Lucky Bucky rose. “Everybody up,” he said. “Time for the guests to get it in the neck.”
But Max and 99 remained seated. “Just a minute,” Max said. “I have an alternate suggestion. Why go to all the bother of killing us? Why not have Guru Optimo make us think we’re something else? Frankly, I think I’d look much better as, say, the Lexington Avenue Subway, than I’d look as a corpse.”
“Me, too,” 99 said.
Max turned to her. “99, there can’t be two Lexington Avenue Subways. We’d bump. Why don’t you become the Canarsie Line? They cross near Union Square, and that way we’d still get to see each other occasionally.”
“All right, Max.”
“All wrong, Max Baby,” Lucky Bucky said. “I can’t take a chance on hypnotizing you. You’re too dangerous. I’ll tell you the truth, once, one of Guru Baby’s zop victims recovered from the zop. Suppose that happened in your case? You’d tell the whole world how I plan to turn everybody into a slave. The minute I spotted you, Max Baby, I said to myself, ‘Lucky Bucky Baby, there’s a blabbermouth!’ ”
“Then you leave us no choice,” Max said. “Duty commands us to attempt to escape.” Again, he turned to 99. “Are you ready, 99?”
“Of course, Max. What did you have in mind?”
“This!”
Max jumped up, turning the table over. “Run, 99! The door!”
They ran toward the exit.
“Zop’em!” Lucky Bucky cried.
A flash of light exploded in front of Max and 99.
They dived behind a sofa.
“Trapped!” Lucky Bucky shouted exultantly.
“Not quite yet!” Max called. “He can’t zop us unless he looks us straight in the eye.”
“Guards!” Lucky Bucky bellowed. “Shoo’em out from behind that sofa!”
The guards began closing in on Max and 99.
“Max! What can we do?” 99 said fearfully.
“Keep moving, 99. And, whatever you do, don’t look him in the eye!”
As the guards reached the sofa, Max and 99 dashed from behind it.
Three flashes of light-Zop, Zop, Zop-brightened the room.
Max and 99 ducked behind a chair. They peeked out.
One of the guards had rolled up in a ball on the floor.
“Watch out for my seeds!” the guard warned.
“What happened?” 99 said, perplexed.
“Apparently that guard got in the way of a zop,” Max replied.
“What does he think he is?”
“A watermelon, evidently.”
Another guard began racing around the room, his motor roaring, knocking over furniture.
“Max. . is he a-”
“Yes, I’m afraid so, 99-a hit-and-run driver. Watch out for him!”
The hit-and-run driver zoomed by Lucky Bucky, narrowly missing him.
“Come out of there and let me kill you!” Lucky Bucky called to Max and 99.
“With that crazy driver in the room?” Max answered. “We could get killed!”
The other guards were now closing in on the chair.
“Let’s go, 99!”
They dashed out into the open, headed for the overturned table.
There were three more flashes of light-Zop, Zop, Zop!
But Max and 99 reached the table safely.
They peeked out.
One of the guards dived into the fireplace, then rose up the chimney.
“What, Max?” 99 asked.
“A balloon would be my guess.”
“What about that guard over there? The one who’s standing at attention and blinking his eyes.”
“Well, let’s see. . The right eye seems to be blinking red and the left eye seems to be blinking green, so I’d guess that he thinks he’s a traffic signal.”
At that moment, the hit-and-run driver raced through a red light, then crashed through a wall and roared off down a corridor.
“Now’s our chance, 99!” Max said. “Through that hole in the wall!”
They jumped up and ran.
Flashes of light began exploding in the vicinity of the hole.
Max halted, stopping 99.
“He’s got us, 99,” he said. “We’re out in the open. Get behind me-I’ll shield you from the zops.”
“But, Max-”
“Get behind me, 99!” Max commanded. “It’s the only safe place in the room!”
“All right, Max. But-”
At that instant, Guru Optimo fired.
Max ducked.
And 99 got the zop square between the eyes.
“Hold your zops!” Lucky Bucky said to Guru Optimo.
The remaining guards seized Max and 99 and held them tight.
“Hands off!” 99 cried, trying to break loose. “I have a schedule to keep!”
“99?” Max said, staring at her. “A schedule? What are you talking about?”
“Are you speaking to me, sir?” she replied vacantly. “If you are, please address me by my rightful name. I’m the Staten Island Ferry.”
Max sighed sadly. “Zopped.”
“Take them to the dungeon,” Lucky Bucky said to the guards. “Let’s proceed with the execution.”
The guards hustled Max and 99 from the room and along a corridor. Lucky Bucky Buckley and Guru Optimo followed close behind.
99 shivered.
“What’s the matter?” Max asked.
“The water is cold today,” she replied.
“99, you’re not the Staten Island Ferry. You only think you’re the Staten Island Ferry.”
“Then why are all those passengers standing at my rail?”
“99, you only think-”
“Excuse me,” 99 broke in. “The Queen Elizabeth is passing. I have to blow my whistle in salute.”
“Too bad she has to die,” Lucky Bucky said. “I could book an act like that. Ed Sullivan would be crazy to introduce the Staten Island Ferry from the audience.”
“If you’re going to kill us, why are you taking us to the dungeon?” Max asked.
“That’s where all the killing stuff is,” Lucky Bucky explained. “Don Juan O’Houlihan, the Spanish gentleman who built this castle a long time ago did a lot of killing. It was kind of a hobby with him. He had a very nice little killing set-up in the dungeon. In them days, I guess, you had to think up your own time-passers. There wasn’t no television.”
They descended a dimly-lighted stone stairway, then entered a narrow corridor.
99 began humming.
“99, what are you doing?”
“I’m humming along.”
“Along? Along with what?”
“I’m carrying a rock ’n’ roll group to Staten Island to play at a mugging and they’re on my top deck, practicing,” she replied.
They entered a large chamber that was furnished with various implements of torture, a rack and a screw and a tape machine that played back old political speeches. The guards took Max and 99 to a device that looked like a wishing well.
“Well?” Max said.
“That’s what it is, all right,” Lucky Bucky replied.
“What I meant was, well, what happens now?”
“Look into the well,” Lucky Bucky said.
“Oh, no you don’t. I’ve been around a bit too long to fall for the old when-he-looks-into-the-well-somebody-will-give-him-a-shove-from-behind trick.”
“Nobody will push,” Lucky Bucky replied. “Honest-on my word as an agent.”
“Ah. . could you do a little better than that?”
“All right, on my word as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.”
“That’s better.”
Max peered down into the well. “Ummmm. . boiling oil,” he said. “And what are those lumps in it?”
“Crocodiles.”
“Boiling oil swimming with crocodiles. Isn’t that sort of gilding the lily? Wouldn’t one or the other, boiling oil or crocodiles, be enough?”
“With me, it’s playing it safe,” Lucky Bucky replied. “If the oil don’t get the victim, the crocodiles will. And what difference does it make to the victim? A guy that’s drowning in boiling oil don’t mind a little thing like a nibble from a crocodile.”
“Ughhhhh!” 99 shuddered.
“You’re frightening the Staten Island Ferry,” Max said to Lucky Bucky.
“It isn’t that,” 99 said. “The passengers are littering my decks with gum wrappers and paper cups.”
“How, exactly, do you expect to get us into the well?” Max asked Lucky Bucky. “Remember, you gave us your word as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court that you wouldn’t shove us from behind.”
“You can shove me from behind,” 99 said to Lucky Bucky. “It will serve those litter-bugs right.”
Lucky Bucky pointed to a large bucket that was suspended over the well. “See the bucket?”
“Yes, I see the bucket,” Max replied.
Lucky Bucky pointed to a crank at the side of the well. “See the crank?”
“Yessss. . I see the crank.”
“You’ll be in the bucket,” Lucky Bucky explained. “When the crank is turned, down will go the bucket. Understand?”
Max looked closely at the bucket, then at the crank. “It won’t work,” he answered.
“Why not?”
“I won’t be able to reach that crank from the bucket. It’s too far.”
“You think I’d make you turn your own crank?” Lucky Bucky said, hurt. “What kind of a host would I be?” He indicated one of the guards. “He’ll turn the crank.”
“In that case, maybe it’ll work,” Max said.
“Into the bucket,” Lucky Bucky commanded.
“And. . suppose we refuse?” Max said defiantly.
Lucky Bucky pulled a gun and pointed it at him. “If you refuse, we’ll just have to skip the bucket bit and get straight to the killing.”
Max smiled cunningly. “Well, Lucky Bucky Buckley, you’ve finally showed your hand, eh? You really mean to murder us. This is what I’ve been waiting for-the moment when you’d declare yourself.”
“Pardon?”
“Do you actually believe that two highly-trained secret agents would be stupid enough to come to this island alone? We’ve just been playing along, waiting for you to make that one fatal mistake that every criminal finally makes. And you, Lucky Bucky Buckley, have made it. You’ve threatened us with murder. That’s against the law, you know. Now, we have something on you!”
“Will you get to the point?” Lucky Bucky said. “The crocodiles haven’t been fed in a week.”
“The point is that this castle is completely surrounded.”
“With what?”
“With hundreds of Control agents.”
“How did they get here?”
“How did they get here? Well, ah, they dropped by parachute.”
“I have guards in the towers. The guards would have seen them.”
“Oh. Well, then, would you believe that they were landed by submarine?”
“The beach is too shallow. A submarine couldn’t get within a mile of this island.”
“Ummmm. . well, then, would you believe that they were born and raised here?”
“The only thing that was born and raised on this island that’s still here is a bunch of coconut trees.”
“I suppose you’ve never heard of a bunch of secret agents disguising themselves.”
“Into the bucket!” Lucky Bucky ordered; “or I’ll disguise you as a secret agent full of bullet holes!”
Resigned, Max climbed up on the edge of the well, then stepped into the bucket.
“You next!” Lucky Bucky said to 99.
“Gurgch, gurgch, gurgch,” 99 said.
“What’s that?” Lucky Bucky asked curiously.
“She’s pumping out her bilges,” Max explained. “It’s a thing a ferry boat always does before it climbs into a bucket.”
99 emitted a final gurgch, then got in beside Max.
Lucky Bucky addressed the guard he had picked to handle the crank. “Get a good hold,” he said. “And, whatever you do, don’t let the bucket drop into the well.”
The guard gripped the crank.
“Did I hear that correctly?” Max said. “Did you tell the guard not to drop the bucket into the well?”
“My exact words, more or less,” Lucky Bucky answered.
“You haven’t been a murderer very long, have you?” Max said. “You don’t seem to have the hang of it yet. You see, we won’t die unless the bucket drops into the well. That’s the point of having those crocodiles and that boiling oil at the bottom of the well.”
Lucky Bucky spoke to Guru Optimo. “Show ’em how it works,” he commanded.
Guru Optimo raised a hand. There was a flash of light.
The guard began giggling and squirming. And every time he squirmed he loosened his hold on the crank and the bucket dropped an inch or two closer to the boiling oil and crocodiles.
“Oh, yes, I see how it’s done,” Max said interestedly. “Guru Optimo zopped the guard into thinking he’s being tickled. And, in time, he’ll lose his grip on the crank and the bucket will fall into the well. Very clever. I apologize for calling you an amateur murderer. You’re a real pro.”
“You’re not a bad victim, either,” Lucky Bucky replied, returning the compliment. “You die real good. What I don’t like is them first-timers-all that yelling and screaming. You must have had a lot of experience at getting murdered.”
“No, I guess I just take to it naturally,” Max said.
“Well, have a nice die,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s getting late. Guru Baby and I won’t wait up for the end. I like him to get a lot of sleep. He’s in training.”
“Good luck with the tap dancing,” Max called as Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo and the other guards departed.
The bucket jerked, and dropped a few inches closer to the boiling oil and crocodiles.
“I knew that someday I’d kick the bucket,” Max said to 99, “but I had no idea that I’d be in it when I kicked it.”
“You’re sitting on my rudder,” 99 said.
“I’m sorry, 99. But it’s a little crowded in this bucket. Can’t you tuck your rudder under your horn pipe or something? And, besides, the Staten Island Ferry can’t talk. So be quiet for a moment, please, and let me try to think of a way out of this mess.”
The bucket dropped again.
Max spoke to the guard. “You know, if you put your mind to it, you could get over being ticklish.”
The guard ignored him. Suffering a spasm of giggling he loosened his hold on the crank, dropping the bucket almost a foot closer to the oil and crocodiles.
“Evidently this is the last chapter in our lives, 99,” Max said. “There’s no way out. I guess I better telephone the Chief and say our final goodbyes.”
“Ask him if he knows what to do for empty bilges,” 99 said.
“Yes, all right, I’ll do that.”
Max wriggled around in the bucket until he was able to reach his shoe phone and remove it. Then he dialed.
Operator: Could you call back later, Maxie? I’m doing my nails.
Max: Operator, I’m afraid I’m not very sympathetic. It just so happens that at this instant I am sitting in a bucket with the Staten Island Ferry and we are being slowly lowered into a well that is filled with boiling oil and swimming with man-eating crocodiles.
Operator: So what help will it be if I ruin my nails?
Max: Get me your Supervisor!
Operator: Oh, all right, I’ll take your call. Whom is it you wish to speak to?
Max: Who, Operator.
Operator: Who has an unlisted number.
Max: I don’t know-who does have an unlisted number?
Operator: What do you mean, you don’t know? You just said yourself that he has an unlisted number.
Max: Who?
Operator: Right. So you can’t call him unless you know the number.
Max: I can’t call who?
Operator: That’s what I said.
Max: Operator, let’s start again. Pretend that I just picked up my phone and that you just answered. Okay? Now, connect me with the Chief, please.
Operator: Don’t you want to talk to Who any more, Maxie? You two have a falling out?
Max: It’s too personal-I don’t want to talk about it. Just connect me with the Chief.
(Buzzing)
Chief: Control. . Chief here.
Max: It’s me, Chief. I just-
Chief: Could you call back later, Max?
Max: Chief! Are you doing your nails too!
Chief: No, Max, I’m not doing my nails. I’m in a very important meeting.
Max: Oh. Sorry, Chief. But this won’t take but a minute. I just wanted to say goodbye. You see-
Chief: Max? You called me to say goodbye?
Max: Yes. You see-
Chief: Nevermind the explanation, Max. If that’s all you want-goodbye.
(a click as the Chief hung up)
Max: Chief! No! Wait!
Operator: I’m sorry, sir, but your party does not choose to speak with you.
Max: Operator, that is not for the telephone company to decide! Get me back my number!
Operator: Maxie, have a little pride. The Chief doesn’t want to talk to you. It’s over. Forget it. Make a new life for yourself. Find a new interest. Make new friends. Take dancing lessons. Learn to play the saxophone. Ten years from now, you won’t even remember who the Chief is.
Max: Operator, get me back my number!
Operator: What number is that, Max?
Max: The Chief’s number!
Operator: You still remember him, eh? The dancing lessons didn’t help?
Max: Supervisor!
(click)
Chief: Control. . Chief here.
Max: Chief, you didn’t let me finish. When I said I wanted to say goodbye, I didn’t mean goodbye for now, I meant goodbye forever. Chief, the fact of the matter is, that mission you sent us on isn’t working out exactly as planned. Instead of us recapturing Guru Optimo, Lucky Bucky Buckley has captured us-that is, two thirds of us, anyway. We haven’t seen V. T. Brattleboro since we landed on the island. But 99 and I are in a bucket that is suspended over a well, and the well is filled with crocodiles and boiling oil, and our bucket is dropping!
Chief: Then I think you made a very wise decision, Max.
Max: Decision? What decision?
Chief: To call and say goodbye forever.
Operator: You should have heard that story the first time he told it, Chiefy. He had the Staten Island Ferry in it.
Max: Stay out of this, Operator. Chief, what she means is that Guru Optimo hypnotized 99 into thinking that she’s the Staten Island Ferry. Incidentally, Chief, what do you do for empty bilges?
Chief: Max, offhand, I’d say that that’s not your main problem. You better worry about getting out of that bucket. Can’t you jump out?
Max: There’s a guard here, Chief.
Chief: Maybe V. T. Brattleboro will show up in the nick of time and save you.
Max: Chief, the first thing he did when we landed on the island was try to kill us.
Chief: Well, I just don’t have any other suggestions, Max. But don’t give up. Keep thinking. Maybe you’ll work it out. If you do, give me a call and tell me how you did it. If you don’t. . well, don’t bother to call.
Max: Thank you for those encouraging words, Chief.
Chief: And say goodbye forever to 99 for me.
Max: Actually, Chief, 99 may come out of this all right. I’m hoping that when we hit the oil she’ll float.
Operator: Tell her if she does to contact Ed Sullivan the minute she gets out of the well. He’d be crazy to introduce her from the audience.
Max: I’ll tell her. Goodbye, Chief. Goodbye, Operator.
Chief: I won’t say goodbye, Max. I’m sure you’ll think of some way to escape.
Operator: I’ll say goodbye, Max. I don’t think you could think your way out of a paper bag.
Max: Supervisor!
(click)
Max looked over the side of the bucket into the well. “I thought it was getting a little warm in this bucket,” he said. “We’re only about three yards from the hot breaths of those alligators.”
“Crocodiles,” 99 corrected.
“99, if I want to know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator, I’ll go to a better authority than the Staten Island Ferry.”
The bucket dropped another few inches.
“It won’t be long now, 99,” Max said grimly, looking down into the boiling oil again. “If you have any last words, now’s the time to speak up.”
“Tooooot! Tooooot!” 99 whistled.
“Nicely put,” Max nodded.