We turned left before the disused Avarna coal mines and followed a path that led to the forest. It was so dark I could hardly see beyond the narrow conifers in front of me. Once we ventured into the forest, the path wound and turned and I couldn’t tell in which direction we were heading. I struggled to keep up with Colin, who knew this section of the forest so well that he could find his way easily in the darkness. I followed a metre or so behind, using my phone as a torch, careful not to trip over any protruding roots. Twigs snapped under my feet and the occasional sound rustled in the treetops above my head.
There was still no sign of Nick or Sarah. If that fight was anything like the ones Cian and I used to have, it would probably go on for ages. I still couldn’t believe how much time I’d wasted arguing with him. Deep down I must have known I was unhappy, but I just couldn’t let him go. And when I finally broke up with him I wasted even more time. I locked myself in my room and did nothing except eat giant chocolate buttons, listen to non-love songs and read music biographies. Mum had tried to coax me out with the promise of shopping trips, but eventually she’d given up.
Hannah had wanted to throw me a break-up party (she’d never liked Cian), but I refused to leave my room. That’s a week of my life I’ll never get back. Although I did get through quite a few biographies. I now know that Patti Smith was superstitious and that Kurt Cobain liked to collect heart-shaped boxes. If I ever get famous, I pity the person who has to write my biography. When they look through my life they won’t find many interesting facts or quirky details. But I suppose I do have the standard dysfunctional relationship to my name.
I’ve always been amazed at how strange a thing love can be. It can steal all sense of logic from even the smartest of people. I was pretty sure Sarah was not ‘the one’ for Nick, but I knew how relationships worked, so I wasn’t expecting him to realize that any time soon. At least Colin agreed that she wasn’t right for him. But who was I to know what was really going on? I barely knew either of them.
‘Hey, wait up,’ I said as I hurried through the darkness. Colin was resting against one of the tree trunks, waiting until I caught up.
‘What’s that over there?’ I asked, pointing to our left where four small wooden crosses stood at the head of a large flat grey stone.
‘Famine grave,’ said Colin as we walked on.
Shivering at the thought of treading over another person’s bones, I stepped on the ground as softly as possible. I’d already decided that I was going to be cremated rather than buried. I didn’t like the thought of being stuck underground. The notion of my ashes floating around some place special was much preferable. Not that I’d know the difference when I was dead. But, still, I knew I didn’t want a grave.
‘Are we near where Beth’s body was found?’ I asked.
‘No, that was much further in. Don’t worry, we’re just heading for the clearing. We’re almost there.’
‘I’m not worried,’ I said, but the image of Beth Cullen’s murdered body haunted me. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d imagined her – her tangled hair, her eyes frozen in a deathly stare.
‘They’re just over here,’ said Colin, rushing ahead again. It was taking all my concentration not to trip over, so I didn’t even bother to catch up with him.
I could hear laughter up ahead, then a guy’s voice.
‘Colin, you know that girl you were on about? The one whose mother bought Alf’s house?’ They were talking about me. I hadn’t been nervous about meeting everyone before, but I was actually worried now. I wondered what this guy was going to say about me. Had he taken an instant dislike to me without even meeting me?
‘Yes. Actually she’s -’
‘I got a good look at her today. Nick was right. She’s hot.’ My heart thumped faster. Had I heard that right? I slowed down a bit, wondering what else this guy would say.
‘Shh,’ whispered Colin. ‘She’s right h-’
‘I heard she was in your house the other day. Maybe you could introduce me?’
I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. I stepped into the clearing where four people sat round a small campfire. The guy looked shocked.
‘Sure,’ said Colin. ‘Simon, meet Jacki. Jacki… meet Simon.’
Simon turned bright red with embarrassment.
I nodded at him but he quickly turned away. So Nick Reynolds thought I was hot. I couldn’t believe it.
‘Aren’t you going to introduce us too?’ said the dark-haired guy sitting on Simon’s right.
‘Jacki, this is Chris,’ said Colin.
Chris had several tattoos on his left arm and a lip piercing.
‘Hi,’ he said, and then took a sip from his can of cider. I nodded at him.
‘And this is Fitz.’
‘Hey,’ I said.
Fitz took a pull on his spliff and nodded at me. He had scruffy blond hair and bright blue eyes.
‘And this is Emily.’
‘Hi!’ said Emily with a smile. She was a pretty girl with dyed red hair and was wearing a black hoodie, purple skinny jeans and a little black bow in her hair. I instantly liked her.
‘How was the table quiz?’ asked Emily as we joined the circle.
‘It was fun,’ I said. ‘We came third.’ I sat down between Emily and Colin. The campfire crackled in front of us.
‘A table quiz?’ said Fitz. ‘Ye’re such nerds.’
‘Shhh!’ said Emily, obviously worried that he might offend me.
‘Chill out, Em,’ said Fitz. ‘Not everyone is as sensitive as you.’
Emily gave Fitz the finger without looking at him, and then asked me lots more questions. I really liked her. She was one of those people who made you feel comfortable, even though you didn’t know them at all.
‘Suppose you won’t want any of the nerdy biscuits we won then, Fitz,’ said Colin, opening his tin. Fitz swiped a chocolate one and Colin wrestled him to the ground. Fitz almost kicked Emily by mistake, but she dodged his foot just in time.
‘They can be SO annoying,’ she said, but she didn’t actually seem mad. Chris threw a stick on to the campfire. His tattoos were really cool. It was very unfair that Mum wouldn’t let me get even a tiny one.
‘Did you guys hear about Nick and Sarah?’ said Chris.
‘Yeah, what’s up with them?’ said Colin, abandoning the struggle, and brushing dirt off his denims. ‘They had a bit of a row in the pub. Nick seemed pretty mad.’
‘Well, he should be,’ said Emily. ‘She cheated on him.’
‘No way!’ said Colin.
It took a few seconds for what she had just said to register in my brain… No. Way.
Emily took out her phone and showed us a picture of what appeared to be Sarah attached to the face of some spiky-haired guy. ‘She ran into him at her cousin’s eighteenth in Dublin last week. Someone’s sister took this photo of them and sent it to Emma, who sent it to Carla’s cousin, who sent it to Carla, who sent it to me.’
‘So they’re finished then?’ I asked, maybe a little too eagerly. I felt bad for Nick, because I knew what it felt like to be cheated on. But I also felt unbelievably happy.
‘I reckon so,’ said Chris. This was shaping up to be the best night in a long time.
Chris handed me a can of cider and cracked one open for himself. I pulled Colin’s shirt tighter around me. I was cold but I didn’t care. Nick and Sarah were finished. And there was even a possibility that he might like me. I couldn’t believe my luck. And this was my first time out past midnight since we’d moved to Avarna. It was great just to be somewhere other than the caravan. Mum had a habit of going to bed annoyingly early, so the past few weeks I’d only had my iPod for company after eleven. I loved just sitting here talking. We chatted about random things, our conversation spattered with shouts of disagreement and blasts of laughter.
‘Damn, you look good,’ Colin told his reflection in my owl-shaped pocket mirror.
‘Give me that!’ I said. My eyeliner had completely rubbed away and the spot on my forehead that I’d so carefully concealed earlier was starting to show again. I wanted to look my best, just in case Nick arrived.
‘Don’t worry, Jacki, you look great,’ said Colin, flipping the mirror closed and throwing it into my lap. ‘Sure you’ve already impressed Simon over there. What more could you want?’
Simon still couldn’t look me in the eye, and he went really red when I tried to make conversation with him. I gulped down the remainder of the can. I was starting to feel kind of nauseous after the vodka and Coke in Clancy’s. What was I thinking, mixing my drinks? That never ended well.
Chris lit a cigarette and offered me one.
‘No, thanks,’ I said.
‘Jacki doesn’t smoke – she’s a singer,’ explained Colin.
‘Wow, cool!’ said Emily. ‘I wish I could sing. I’ve never sung in front of anyone.’
‘I can sing,’ claimed Fitz. It was the first thing he’d said in about twenty minutes.
‘Ha, no, you can’t,’ said Simon with a snort.
Fitz took a deep breath, and then sang a few bars of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ impressively well.
‘Fitz, you legend,’ said Colin. ‘Apologize to the man, Simon.’
‘I stand corrected,’ admitted Simon.
‘I know,’ said Chris, ‘Let’s play I Never!’
‘What’s that?’ asked Emily, running her fingers through the pine needles beside me.
‘Well, basically you say something you’ve never done, like “Never have I ever… been caught by my parents getting stoned.” Then whoever has actually done the thing you said, has to drink. Like, if you had said that, Fitz would have drunk.’
‘Never have I ever… stolen something,’ said Chris. I’d never stolen anything ever. Nothing. Not even a jellybean when everyone else was stealing them from the sweet stand in the cinema. There was no way I could do it. Weird? Maybe.
Chris drank, Simon drank, Emily didn’t drink, Colin didn’t.
‘Never have I ever… got so drunk that I passed out,’ said Simon.
I didn’t drink. I’d never let myself go that far.
Colin drank, Chris drank, Emily didn’t.
‘Never have I ever had sex in the back of a car,’ said Fitz.
I didn’t drink for that one either. Not only had I never had sex in a car, I’d never had sex anywhere. Hopefully nobody would say that one.
Simon was the only one who took a mouthful from his can. I had a feeling he was bluffing.
‘Never have I ever kissed more than one person on the same night,’ offered Emily.
I drank. It was at a school disco when I was thirteen. I kissed my boyfriend at the time, then some random guy when my boyfriend went off with another girl. Those discos were never as good as we hyped them up to be.
Then it was my turn to think up something. ‘Never have I ever… had a crush on one of my teachers.’
Nobody drank, except for Emily.
‘What?’ she said. ‘Am I the only one? We have a really hot English teacher!’
One can of cider later and I was way past my limit. Usually I didn’t drink much at all. I was talking too loudly, and stuff that wasn’t even remotely funny seemed absolutely hilarious.
Chris twisted the tab of his beer can until it came off, then he flicked it away. I watched as it landed beside my shoe. My mind was sort of spinning so I rested my head on Colin’s shoulder. At least I’d forgotten about my headaches and nightmares and about what the doctor had said. I hadn’t forgotten about Nick though. There was still no sign of him, but I couldn’t give up hope that he would turn up. I would have given anything to see him walking out from those trees.
Simon came over and sat between Emily and me. I guess he’d got over his earlier embarrassment. I was beginning to regret that I’d drunk so much as he was being really chatty, but all I could think about was how unwell I was feeling. Had I really had that much to drink?
‘Are you all right?’ he said, shifting away slightly.
‘Yes… I’m fine… Think I’ll just go for a little walk in the woods.’ I tried to sound casual. ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ I said, making my way over to the trees.
Colin called after me but I kept going.
My vision was getting blurry, just like it had in the back garden, and there was a stale taste in my mouth. Then something moved over to my right. The trees rustled and I heard someone walking behind me.
‘I’m OK,’ I said. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’
But the footsteps kept going, past me and then further into the trees.
‘Who’s that?’
There was still no reply. I followed the footsteps. I’m not sure why, but something told me to. I could see a grey figure moving quickly through the trees up ahead. It would vanish for a second and then re-emerge, weaving in and out between the tree trunks. It moved very fast. Unnaturally fast. I quickened my pace, jogging in the same direction. After a few moments it slowed down and stood still. I was getting closer to it. Part of me said turn back, but another part said to keep on running. As I got closer I could make out the frame of a woman – slim and tall with long black hair, but I couldn’t distinguish her features. She was close but I just couldn’t focus on her face. I stopped maybe a metre away, squinting through the darkness.
‘Who’s that? I asked. ‘Who’s there? Who are you?’
She didn’t stay still for long. She came towards me and sped past. I jumped back and stumbled on a root, landing hard on the ground.
‘Are you OK?’ said Colin. I looked up to see him and Simon standing behind me.
‘Yes, I was just… the girl.’ I looked around, but couldn’t see her. I couldn’t understand how somebody could move that quickly.
‘We were worried there for a second. We thought we heard a scream.’ I didn’t remember a scream. Maybe I’d cried out when I’d hit the ground. My arm was grazed, but I was so confused I didn’t feel the pain.
‘Where’s she gone?’ I said. I looked around again, but she wasn’t there any more.
‘Who?’ said Colin.
‘There was a girl here. I… I saw a girl.’
Simon leaned over and looked into my eyes. ‘What did you take?’ he said. Great, I was acting so weird he thought I was on something. But I knew I’d definitely seen her.
‘She didn’t take anything!’ said Colin, pushing Simon away. ‘She just had too much to drink. Maybe she’s not used to it. I’ll take her home.’
‘Right so. Whatever,’ said Simon, heading back to the group.
‘There was a girl here, I swear!’ I didn’t understand why neither of them would believe me.
‘OK, Jacki, just take it easy. We’re going home now.’ He helped me to my feet.
I shivered as we walked along the path, the chill seeping through my skin. I had tried to explain to Colin that I wasn’t out of it, that I had seen a girl in the trees, but he was having none of it. The night had got even darker, a half-moon offering the only light from a starless sky. I pulled the baggy shirt tightly around me. Colin noticed and immediately offered me his jacket.
‘No, I can’t be taking all your clothes.’
‘I insist.’
I put on his jacket and instantly warmed up. Even though I was freaked out by what had just happened, I felt safe with Colin. He seemed to know every pothole and every protruding branch on that path. I stayed close behind him, mirroring his every move, so I wouldn’t trip over.
‘Tonight was fun. Thanks for inviting me up to the forest,’ I said, trying to forget about the girl. Was she just some strange hallucination? She had looked very real. Maybe I’d just had one drink too many as Colin thought. But Dr Cahill’s words kept coming into my mind: something supernatural.
‘So, do you like Simon?’ said Colin.
‘Oh… no. He’s all right, I guess. But he’s not…’
‘Not Nick?’ he suggested.
‘What? How did you -’
‘Doesn’t take a genius to work that one out. Just be careful Jacki, he can be a bit of a dickhead.’
‘What do you mean?’ Part of me didn’t want to know what he’d done in the past.
‘He’s just not very dependable. That’s all. I suppose he’s all right though, if you like the brooding handsome type.’ Nick was kind of quiet, and I guess that could come across as moody, but I found it strangely attractive for some reason. Colin was probably just looking out for me, not wanting me to get my hopes up. But it was too late for that.
When we reached the top of my lane I began to take off Colin’s jacket.
‘Keep it for tonight,’ he said.
‘There’s no need, honestly, sure I’m home now,’ I said, nodding in the direction of the caravan.
‘Well, OK. I’ll see you tomorrow, if you’re up to it.’ He smiled at me as he put his jacket back on.
‘Colin, I’m not even that drunk!’
‘OK. And I’m not even that gay,’ he replied, then turned and headed back down the lane.
I stood there until Colin had been absorbed into the darkness, and I could no longer hear his footsteps. I sat down on the strip of grass beside our hedge and rested my head in my hands. Great, now most of my new friends thought I was on drugs, and Colin thought I was a complete lightweight. Probably every one of them thought I was very strange. I didn’t want to go inside. I didn’t want Mum to ask me how my night went. I didn’t want to lie down. I didn’t want to go to sleep. A song circled round in my head. The rhyme I’d heard the little girl singing in the hall earlier.
Miss Jane had a bag
And a mouse was in it.
She opened the bag;
He was out in a minute.