So You’re A Fallen Angel . . .
Now What?
Golden Scroll Edition 2.1
Your misdeeds in Heaven have led to this unfortunate situation. You only have yourself to blame, but here are a few guidelines that may help to ease your way.
Do
* Find somewhere safe to live.
* Eat regularly. Three meals a day is standard for human sustenance.
* Study the behavior and interactions of other humans so you will be able to fit in with them.
Suggestion: watch television and go to the movies. Also, observe real humans in everyday activity.
Do Not
* Tell anyone you are a fallen one. They will not believe you, and probably will think that you are simply insane. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
How Do You Return to Heaven?
You don’t. But do your best to make the most of your situation. Be good. Help others. Do good deeds. At the end of your human life (approximately 70 years), you may have balanced the scales for whatever you were originally expelled for. It is unlikely, but you never know about these things. However, if you die by natural or unnatural causes before this balance has been reached, the doors of Heaven will forever be closed to you.
Warning
Be wary of any stranger who takes an interest in your safety and well-being. Tempter Demons are assigned to lure fallen ones to Hell for an eternity of torturous servitude. TEMPTER DEMONS ARE VERY DANGEROUS. Their methods are underhanded and almost impossible to resist. You will know one when you see one. Remember to: JUST SAY NO! Do not let your guard down when confronted with a Tempter or you will regret it. Big time.
Good luck! You’re going to need it.
The Management
Falling out of Heaven is the easy part. It’s landing that’s difficult.
Luckily—or unluckily, as the case may be—someone up there had a strange sense of humor.
She could have landed anywhere in the earthly realm. Pavement, grass, the middle of the ocean . . .
. . . MarineLand in Niagara Falls. Or, more precisely, the killer whale tank at MarineLand.
Plop.
The cold water jarred her from her free-fall daze and she thrashed about, eyes wide. What just happened? She’d been reading a scroll. A golden scroll somebody had thrust into her hands.
Something about the rules of being a fallen angel, and then . . . then what?
She swallowed a large mouthful of water and started to choke before she slipped under.
And then somebody pushed me.
Somebody pushed her out of Heaven.
Son of a b—
She bobbed above the water and gasped for air before going under again. Then suddenly she felt herself forcefully yanked above the waterline. Somebody had hold of her upper arm.
Ouch. An extremely tight hold.
Her first impression of being a human? Pain sucked.
The large black-and-white killer whale—where did it get that name from, anyhow? she thought with growing panic—nudged her leg curiously as she was dragged out of the tank.
She could hear applause and cheers from somewhere, but her vision was too blurry to see more than just shapes and colors.
“Miss? What exactly do you think you’re doing? Is this some sort of joke?”
She opened her mouth to respond with, “Mahhhhh.” This actually meant: “I need to go back to Heaven. There’s been a huge mistake. Somebody, anybody, help me!,” but her first incomprehensible word was followed with a, “Bahhhh.”
The blurry dot of a human peered closer at her. “Are you okay?”
She knew enough to shake her head. No. She wasn’t okay. Not even close to being okay.
“Where did you come from?”
She blinked at the human, then pointed up. He followed the direction of her finger, then looked at her with confusion.
“I . . . I . . . fell from . . . ,” she began, happy she could finally speak, but then abruptly shut her mouth.
What had the golden scroll said? Do not tell anyone you are a fallen one . . . Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
She rubbed her eyes, which helped make the human, who turned out to be a uniformed security guard, a little less blurry, then wracked her equally blurry mind for something to say.
Anything. “I . . . I . . . was skydiving. My . . . chute didn’t open.”
She couldn’t believe her ears. She’d just lied for the first time. And actually, it sounded pretty good, all things considered.
The applause slowed, and a male voice shouted above the crowd: “Dude! She’s, like, totally naked! Get the camera!”
She swallowed and looked down at herself. “Uh . . . nude skydiving. It’s the latest thing.
Haven’t you heard?”
The security guard was having a difficult time keeping his attention fully on her face and his expression turned skeptical. “Nude skydiving. Right.”
Okay, maybe she wasn’t as good a liar as she’d thought.