The night before I was due to go in for the colonoscopy, I told Noy what was happening. I had to. As part of the procedure I had to drink eight pints of a solution to clean out my intestines and there was no way I could do that in secret. I wasn’t supposed to eat dinner so when she asked me what I wanted to eat, I told her that I had to go back to the Bumrungrad and what they were planning to do to me.
She wasn’t happy. But then neither was I.
I told her that it was only a precaution, that I had no symptoms, just a blood test that suggested that there might, just might, be a problem.
I didn’t say anything about a red flag.
Or cancer.
But I could see from the look on her face that she was scared.
‘Really, it’s nothing,’ I said. ‘It’s just a precaution. Hundreds of thousands of people have it done every year and more often than not there’s nothing there.’
‘Tomorrow?’ she said. ‘You’re doing this tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow morning.’
‘Bob, why are you telling me this now? How long have you known?’
‘There’s nothing to know,’ I said. ‘It’s just a test. An examination. It’s no big deal.’
‘You should have told me before,’ she said. She wasn’t angry. She was hurt. I tried to hold her but she took a step back which was more painful than if she’d slapped me across the face.
‘Honey, I didn’t want you to worry.’
‘Ignorance is bliss? I’m your wife, Bob. You shouldn’t shut me out, not at a time like this.’
‘Honey, it’s a test. A routine test.’
‘For cancer.’
I tried not to wince at the sound of the word, but I didn’t do a very good job.
‘That’s what colonoscopies are for, aren’t they? They look for cancer?’
The word made me wince just as much the second time she said it.
I stepped towards her and this time she let me hold her. ‘I don’t have cancer,’ I said. ‘I swear.’
‘So why are they giving you a colonoscopy?’ She held me tightly and for the first time I was really scared, not because of what might lie in my intestines but because I’d hurt her.
‘They did a blood test that showed up a marker that sometimes, just sometimes, indicates a problem. But I’ve no symptoms, no blood, no pain, no nothing. I’m as regular as clockwork, honey.’
She sniffed. ‘That’s nice to know,’ she said.
‘I’m serious,’ I said. ‘If it wasn’t for the silly marker thing, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. The doctor who’s doing the procedure is one of the best in the country. She was trained in the States and she said that even if there was a problem, they’d probably be able to nip it in the bud there and then.’
‘It’s a woman doctor?’
‘Don’t go all sexist on me, honey. She’s very highly regarded.’
Noy giggled. ‘A woman is going to put a camera up your…’ She giggled again.
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘Thank you very much.’
‘Oh my Buddha,’ she said.
‘She said the camera she uses has a laser attachment that can zap anything that looks like it might be a problem,’ I said. ‘But she said exactly what I’ve told you, more often than not the marker tends to be a false positive.’
She stopped hugging me and looked at me, her eyes sparkling with amusement. ‘You should have told me before,’ she said.
‘I know, and I’m sorry.’
‘I’m coming with you, tomorrow,’ she said.
‘You don’t have to.’
‘I want to. ‘ She smiled. ‘I want to meet the woman who is going to shove a camera up my husband’s…’ She started giggling again.