Missy’s bottom lip wobbled. “Of course I care. Like I told you before, we’re very different, Richard and me. I’m worried that in fifty years when I’m old and he’s exactly the same handsome man—”
“Missy, baby,” Richard said. “We’ve discussed this.”
She sniffed. “I know.”
Richard glanced at me. “I offered to sire her—make her a vampire, too—but she decided against it. I respect her decision, and I’ll love her always.”
That was so sweet. But I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the “hopeless” part.
“And you, cousin of mine”—Missy turned to me— “what in the holy heck happened to you?”
I sighed. “Bad blind date. Looks like I may have eternity to recover from it.”
She nodded. “I knew it. As soon as you flashed those fangs at me. Teeth-whitening strips, my hiney. Anyhow, let’s get this bouquet-throwing thing done. I’m ready to start my honeymoon.” She leaned over and kissed Richard. “Eww. Make sure you brush your teeth. You have blood breath.”
“Yes, dear.”
One by one we exited the coat checkroom, while trying to look as casual as possible. Back in the reception hall the reverend stared at me from the corner of the dance floor. He had a black tote bag over one shoulder. I gave him a big grin, then slapped my hands over my mouth to cover it. Must remember not to flash the new fangs around. Talk about an awkward moment. I straightened out my skirt by pulling it down over my knees and nearly had a nipple make an appearance. The reverend blinked and looked away. I felt nicely drunk from the blood/vodka combo. It felt pretty good. Come to think of it—in my current state at least—this might be the perfect time to “part ways” with my parents.
I figured I had a few minutes before Missy got back from the bathroom. Why waste them? Part ways. Get it over with. Break the news to them that they wouldn’t be seeing me for a while. Hopefully, they wouldn’t take it too hard. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around.
“Sarah,” my father said. “Your mother and I are leaving.”
“You’re leaving me?” I yelped. “Why?”
He shrugged. “Too much free white wine. Your mother’s drunk.”
“Am not!” my mother slurred from ten feet away at the table, her coat hanging off her shoulders. Then she let out a loud hiccup.
“But, Dad, I—”
He chucked me under the chin. “See you later.”
“But I—”
Without another word he and my mother… parted ways with me. At least for the remainder of the evening, anyhow. Feeling stunned, I watched them leave the banquet hall.
I suddenly felt like an orphan. Like a Little Vampire Orphan Annie.
“Okay,” the deejay announced after Buster Poindexter’s “Hot Hot Hot” ended. “May I have all single ladies on the dance floor now for the bouquet toss?”
I trudged over to the dance floor and glanced at Missy.
“Whoever catches this will be the next to get married,” Missy said. “Isn’t this fun?”
I elbowed into position. Missy turned around and, after psyching out the gathered crowd of ten single women with two fake throws, launched the bouquet into the air. It sailed way over our heads and directly into the hands of Reverend Micholby, who was standing directly behind us. He stared at the bouquet for a moment, then dropped it onto the ground in front of him. Before I could make a comment about him making a lovely future bride, he opened up the black duffel bag he’d been carrying around all evening and pulled out a wooden stake and a large silver cross.
“May I have your attention, please,” he said calmly. “It has come to my attention that there are several vampires here. Could you kindly accompany me outside so I can kill you?
Now, please?”
I gasped and ducked down in the middle of all the single women. Unfortunately, everyone else immediately cleared the dance floor, and I was left sitting on my butt looking up at the reverend-by-day, vampire-hunter-by-night. Nervous breakdown, my ass.
He stared down at me with cold, determined eyes.
“Very well, we’ll start with you.”
Missy approached him. “Reverend, what’s going on here?”
“Monsters,” he said matter-of-factly, as if he were discussing a slightly distasteful item at
the buffet table. “That’s what’s going on. I had a feeling about this one, and when she
bared her fangs, I knew I had to do something. I have a sacred duty to keep my town safe
from Satan’s spawn.”
“Satan’s spawn?”
Missy laughed but eyed me nervously. “I think you’ve been watching too many movies.
There are no such things as vampires, of course.”
The reverend didn’t shift his gaze from me and instead shook the cross in my direction. It was a nice cross. Looked like real silver. Didn’t bother me at all. It was the sharp stake in his other hand that troubled me.
“She is one,” he hissed, pointing at me with the cross. “An evil bloodsucker. There are more, too. I’m sure of it. I will find them and destroy them all.”
The hall was completely silent. Nobody was taking the initiative to rush forward to save me. Maybe they all figured that this was an odd little piece of dinner theater.
“I’m not a vampire.” My voice was squeaky and strained.
“Silent, evil vixen. Dressed to seduce and kill.”
I scrambled to my feet. “This outfit was not my idea, buddy.”
“What’s going on?” somebody said from the crowd of onlookers.
“He’s crazy,” I shouted, loud enough for everyone still in the reception hall to hear. “And drunk. Crazy, drunk, and I think he might be high, too.”
The reverend took a step toward me, but Missy was still in his way. He pushed her and she cried out as she fell to the floor. Richard ran to her side and pulled her away from danger. The reverend got closer to me, and I kept backing up until I could feel the deejay’s table behind me.
All of a sudden, George was at my side. He was supposed to protect me, after all. Damn well took him long enough.
“Sorry.” He put an arm around my shoulder. “Nature called.”
The reverend took a moment to reassess the situation while he stared daggers at us. Then he raised the stake high above his head and arched it down directly at George. George let out a high-pitched squeal of pain as he looked down at the stake, which now protruded from his chest. He fell to his knees and smacked his face on the dance floor before rolling onto his back. I was in shock, frozen in place. The reverend then moved close enough to press the silver cross hard against the side of my face.