Hunger woke Lucy. She lay considering that she had hours to wait before her next action and nothing to do between then and now.
She went to the sink and drank water to ease her appetite and then looked at her computer and mobile phone, wondering how long either of them could last now that she had no means to recharge their batteries. In the garage, there was a suicidally dangerous and illegal electrical connection which ran the lights but no usable outlet. Even so, she logged on and went out onto the Net.
Various messages were waiting for her. From Turtle: Are u outthere Firewall Come amp; talk 2 me please. She ignored the tug of feeling that said, yes, talk to him, there is nothing you need more.
She deleted his message. Then there was an email from someone she did not know, with the subject line: Message from Greg. She opened it at once.
This is to the Firewall. You don’t know me but my name isGrace. I’m going to tell you straightaway that I’m with the police.
But I have a message for you from Greg. What I am telling you isword for word what he said to me. I talked to him once just beforethey took him up to Kariong and then later he rang me and he leftme this message on my answering machine. It’s for you. I havethe tape if you want it. If we can find a way to get it to you, we’lldo that so you’ll know that what I’m telling you is true. Onceyou’ve read it, if you want to get back to me, you can email me oryou can chat to me. Whichever way you want to do it. But if youdo want to talk to me, I’m here to talk to you. Just come and findme. Grace.
Lucy read both messages several times before going out in search of the sender.
Are you out there, Grace. Are you real? Whoever you are. It’s the Firewall here. Why do you want to talk to me?
Firewall? Is this really you?
Yeah.
How do I know it’s you?
How do I know who you are?
I sent you Greg’s message.
I can tell you something in return. I already know that Greggie’s dead. I’ve got his beanie and it’s sitting on the table right beside me now. I know where he is too and I can tell you that. And I will. But first I want to know why you want to talk to me. Why should you? What do you want?
On the other side of the city, Louise appeared in the doorway of Harrigan’s office to tell him Grace had the Firewall online.
‘Yes,’ he said, and was on his feet. In the computer room he leaned over Grace to read the words on the screen, his closeness to her crowding her space. A small group gathered behind them.
‘I’ve just got her,’ she said to him.
‘Keep her talking.’
In the garage, Lucy waited for Grace’s reply.
I want to know if you’re okay. Where you are now. And what you’replanning on doing next. We’re both caught in a loop, Firewall. Weneed to find a way out.
There is no way out for me. You know that. I bet you want to know where I am but that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you. Who told you who I am? It wasn’t Greggie?
No, it wasn’t. He wouldn’t tell me anything about you. He neverstopped being loyal to you, Firewall.
I said he wouldn’t, no matter what. I told people we didn’t have to worry about Greggie.
Who did you say that to?
I’m not telling you that. Not just yet. What’s your last name?
In the computer room, Harrigan shook his head. ‘No,’ he said.
I’m not going to tell you that just yet either, Firewall.
Don’t you trust me?
Can I trust you?
I don’t care if you don’t really. I only care if I can trust you. What do you want? I’m not going to hand myself over to you right now so what else do you want?
I wanted to talk to you. It’s better if we talk than if we don’t.
People say that kind of thing all the time. And then they just walk away and leave you to die. How do I know you’re not just a liar like everyone else?
I’m not lying to you, Firewall. Why don’t you want to try and trustme just a little?
Because even people you love and think you can trust for ever turn out to be liars sometimes. Make me trust you. Tell me who told you who I am.
Grace looked up at Harrigan.
‘Tell her,’ he said.
Someone you used to know saw you that morning when you weredriving away. She came and told us who you were.
Who?
Gina.
Gina? Corinna, you mean? She didn’t.
She was pretty desperate, Firewall. She needed protection.
She could have come to me, I would have looked after her. Where is she now?
She’s dead.
She is not. You’re lying.
I am not lying. I wish I didn’t have to tell you that but it’s true.
That’s why I’m out here, Grace. You listen to what I’m saying to you. We were all in a group once, me, Greggie and Corinna, and now there’s just me left. Just me. And they’re dead. And that’s why I have to be out here. No one else is out here for us. That’s why I don’t trust anyone, Grace, including you. Because, in the end, everyone stabs you in the back. And they like doing it. People laugh at you while they’re hurting you. Is that what you want to do?
No. I’ve told you the real reason I’m talking to you. You know whoI am and what I want. I’m not hiding anything from you. I wish I hadn’thad to write that Gina was dead. I mean that.
Do you? I wish I knew what to think. I talk to people and it’s like I don’t know where I am.
I feel like that sometimes. I used to sing and I started to write asong about that once. It went something like: Sometimes when I’mtalking/It feels like I’m walking/In the dark/Don’t where I’mgoing/Don’t know where I’ve been. That was the chorus. That’s howI felt too. That was about as far as the song got, I think.
It is like that. It is like I’m in the dark all the time. What do you want me to do? Everyone who talks to me tells me what they think I should do. What do you think?
I’d like you to tell us where you are so we can come and get you.
That way, no one else gets hurt.
What good is that going to do me? Lots of people are already hurt.
How is that going to help them?
It will mean that no one else is going to get hurt. I’m sure you wantthe chance to do something for Greg.
What do you think I can do for him now?
You don’t want to leave him where he is. You want to do the rightthing by him.
Of course I do. But I’m not going to tell you how to find him until it’s the right time.
When will that be?
I don’t know yet.
Do you have something else you need to do first?
Yes, I do. I’ve got people I need to talk to for one thing. I have to sort things out with them. I’ll tell you what, Grace, I’ll talk to you again and see what I want to tell you then.
‘She’s meeting the preacher,’ Harrigan said. ‘Get a time.’
When will you talk to me again?
Later on tonight. Because I do have to talk to other people first.
Then I’ll talk to you. It might be pretty late. Maybe sometime after midnight?
You can’t tell me more exactly than that? Just so I can make sureI’m here.
No, I can’t. Does that mean you’re not going to do what you said you would?
No, I’ll be here.
So you’re telling me I can depend on that? For you to be there?
If I’m not, it’s only because I’ve just left my desk for a little whileand I’ve gone to get something to eat or something like that. And ifthat happens, you just say that you want to talk to me and then I’llcome back and I’ll talk to you as soon as I can.
There are other people there?
Yes, there are.
Are they watching us talk?
Yes, they are.
You didn’t say that. But I can trust you, can I?
Yes, you can. You can trust me to be honest with you.
No, Grace. Can I trust you full stop?
You can trust me full stop. But will you do that, Firewall? Will youcome in? Will you tell us where you are?
Not yet. Everything’s not yet at the moment.
As these words appeared Lucy’s computer seemed to freeze. The battery on her mobile phone had died.
On the other end of the line Grace waited.
‘Something’s happened,’ she said. ‘The connection’s gone. We’ve lost her.’
‘Try again,’ Harrigan said.
Firewall are you out there? Have I lost you?
There was nothing.
‘She’s gone. Maybe she’s just dropped out,’ Grace said.
‘It’s a start,’ Harrigan said, standing upright. ‘We keep talking to her. We keep talking to her and we keep watching him. Sooner or later they’re going to meet up. We just have to be patient.’
Grace leaned on her elbows looking at the screen.
‘She’s just a kid. She talks just like a kid,’ she said.
‘Yeah. A dangerous one,’ he replied.
Grace kept looking at the screen, shaking her head. The rest of the crowd dispersed.
‘Keep me posted,’ he said, resisting the urge to touch her on the shoulder, and went back to his office.
He looked out of the window wondering, if the Firewall and the preacher did meet, who was going to kill who? At the moment, he had his money on the preacher. Outside, there was no rain. The clouds were almost black and although it was supposedly still day it was dark enough to be night. He waited, it was all he could do. He was waiting for his turn to make a move.
Lucy picked up her dead phone and shrugged. She threw it into a heap of rubbish in a corner then went outside into the main part of the garage. She sat on the concrete floor and leaned against the wall near the office door, looking towards where her car straddled the pit.
She drew her knees up and leaned her forehead on them. She began to think of death as a combination of presence and absence, where the body is there only to remind you that you can never talk to someone again. She chased this idea around in her mind, drawing circles in the dust on the floor, shaking her head. Absence compounded on absence; she had no power to cry for anyone. She was dry, used up.
‘I’ve got nothing to lose, have I?’ she said to her silent ghosts. ‘No one can tell me I do. Not Grace, whoever she is. Even if she is walking in the dark just like me. I don’t feel anything.’
She lit a cigarette and threw the match, still burning, onto the concrete floor. It burned for a short time longer, then went out.
Turtle would say that she still had things to lose. He would know, better than anyone. How are you, Turtle? Does your father still come and rub that pain out of your back, the way you said he does? If I could, I would come and see you, I would sit with you and I’d feed you, the way you say he does. I would take you out if you wanted to go out and I wouldn’t care what anyone thought about either of us. You say that sometimes people won’t look at you. You say that they stand right beside you and say that you don’t have a brain or any feelings. If anyone said anything about you like that and I was with you, I’d make sure they never said anything hurtful to you again. I’d tell them what they could do.
She felt an intense need to talk to him, to go online and say, will you forgive me? I forgive you. I want to talk to you so much. She had no means to reach him and no way of acquiring those means. All she had was time, hours in which to wait. She leaned her head against the wall. This was endgame. One more sleep and it would all be over. If she ever slept again.