Ben probably should have stayed home. It always took at least a day to recover from a major trial. Or even a minor one. To transition from having one event totally subsume your life to reintegrating everything that used to be important was not something that could happen in a day. He knew many attorneys who got on a plane and disappeared for at least a week after a trial. Granted, the actual trial had ended some months ago, but Ben had been just as obsessed in the following months as he had been when he was going to the courtroom every day.
Christina was ready to get out of town. He knew that. She was still reminding him that they had never actually gone on that honeymoon he’d promised.
Maybe later. For now, he needed to catch up. Hadn’t had lunch at Goldie’s for a while. Or played the piano. Worked the Sunday Times crossword. And if he just spent more time studying those Q-without-U words, he was sure he could finally beat Christina…
There was a knock on his office door.
“Loving!”
Ben jumped up and ran to greet him. He had only seen him a few times since Mike and the rest of the police officers rescued him from Shaw and his thugs. Loving had asked for a leave of absence and taken some time off.
“How are you?”
“I’m… tryin’ to get myself together.”
“Still feeling a little shaky?”
Loving paused a moment, as if struggling to come up with the right words. Ben knew he was not typically a garrulous sort, especially when it came to anything as squishy as his personal feelings. “Yeah. It’s hard.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
“I totally cracked up out there,” he said. “I cracked like a… a… cracker.”
“Oh, you did not.”
“You weren’t there, Skipper. I did.”
“Mike told me he was very impressed by your fortitude.”
“He was bein’ nice. I lost it. Hallucinated.”
“The sun was hot-”
“Thought I was at death’s door. And I hadn’t even been out that long. It was all in my mind.”
“You’d been knocked on the head. Given a drug. They had you for three days.”
“I don’t even remember that. But I sure remember what happened when I woke up. I was a basket case. Loserville.” Loving shook his head. It was an amazing thing, seeing this gruff barrel-chested man talk in such an introspective, emotional manner. “I’ve been through a lot in the last few years-most of it thanks to you. Embarrassment. Beatings. Even torture. None of that was fun. But when that guy poured the cesium on my chest, I went to pieces.”
“Anyone would, Loving.”
“No, not like that. I-I think I’ve been hidin’ somethin’. For too long. Somethin’ knocks me down and I get right back up, like I’m one of those inflatable toys you hit but they swing right back up at you. I’m not an inflatable toy!”
“I know that, Loving.”
“And this time, I’m not bouncin’ back up again. I need some time.”
“Take all the time you need. Please.”
He took a deep breath. “I’m goin’ to Colorado. To the Shambhala Meditation Center. Where Joslyn Thomas went.” He looked at Ben squarely. “I’m gonna learn to meditate.”
Ben resisted asking if this was Christina’s idea. He already knew the answer. “You?”
“I wanna find some peace of mind.”
“Well… we all do.”
“I’m on a journey. And this breakdown has shown me there’s some stuff inside me that I haven’t gotten in touch with. I wanna know the real me. I wanna understand my life purpose.”
“I thought it was, you know. Working with me.”
Loving gave him a long look. “I’ve been driven by fear. How else do you explain what happened to me? How else do you explain all those crazy conspiracy theories I’ve been chasin’ all these years? I’ve been readin’ this book.” He pulled it out of his back pocket. “How Not to Be Afraid of Your Life. Written by this gal who practices Buddhist meditation. She’s really smart. Look at her picture on the cover. See how happy she is? She’s runnin’ the retreat.”
“Sounds splendid.”
“So that’s why I’m here. I have something I want to ask you.”
“Like I said, take all the time you need.”
“Would you come with me?”
Ben’s lips parted. “Me? At that… retreat thingie?”
Loving gripped him firmly by the shoulders. “I think it would be good for you, Skipper.”
“Well… no doubt…”
“Seriously. You think I don’t know you’ve got issues?”
“Excuse me?”
“Skipper, I’m only sayin’ this ’cause I love you.”
“You do?”
“You’re one big ball of neurosis and insecurity. You always have been. You worry all the time. You’re lonely even though you’ve got great friends, a great wife. You’re dissatisfied even though you’re doin’ great work, got a great job, helpin’ other people. You’ve got the whole world in the palm of your hands, but you don’t know it.”
“Do tell…”
“Sure, Christina keeps you from going totally off the deep end-”
“Does she now?”
“-but even she can’t do it forever all by herself. Skipper, your friends love you. We don’t wanna see you have a total meltdown. End up in the nuthouse or dead in a ditch.”
“We have that in common.”
“So whaddaya say?” He squeezed Ben’s arms even tighter. “Come with me. Let’s make the journey to inner peace together.”
“Loving…”
“Are you gonna claim you already found peace of mind? ’Cause you’re about the least peace-of-mind person I know.”
Ben gave him a piercing look. “I appreciate your concern. But it’s not for me. I hope it works well for you.”
Loving looked as if Ben had just run over his cat. “Are you sure, Skipper?”
“I’m sure.”
“Nothin’ I can do to change your mind?”
“Absolutely nothing.” He opened the door and let Loving out. “Best to the Buddha.” And closed the door behind him.
Not ten minutes later, Ben was interrupted by another knock at his office door.
“Loving, I don’t need no more dharma.”
“Ben?”
He looked up. Dennis Thomas was poking his head through the door. “Have you got a moment?”
“Of course I do.” Ben showed him to the chair opposite his desk. “How’s life on the outside?”
Dennis grinned. “A lot better than life on the inside. That’s for darn sure. I’m very excited about my future.”
“Well, that’s two of you.”
“Huh?”
Ben smiled. “Loving is going on a meditation retreat. He wanted me to go. But obviously, I declined.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“I’m glad to hear that you don’t think I’ve got issues.”
“I didn’t say that. I just said I’m not surprised you’re not going.”
Oh. “What can I do for you, Dennis?”
“I wanted to give you a gift.”
Ben held out his hands. “That’s not necessary.”
“Please. As little as you charged me, it’s the least I can do.” He reached into his sidebag and handed Ben a big blue book. “I hope you’ll like it.”
Ben stared at the cover. Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramhansa Yogananda. It’s like an epidemic around here…
“I gather this has something to do with meditation?”
“The Yogananda was one of the great spiritual guides of the twentieth century,” Dennis answered. “Joslyn loved him. Read everything he wrote.”
“Well, I’m sure it’s a fine book, but you know, I’m an Episcopalian…”
“Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion. And the Yogananda wasn’t Buddhist. He was spiritual, not religious.”
“What’s the difference?”
“I just wanted to give you a message. From Joslyn.”
Ben blinked. “From Joslyn?”
“The last thing she said to me. Outwit the stars. At first, I thought it was some sort of mantra or something. But after I read that book, I realized she was trying to tell me something very specific. The Yogananda knew that many people believed in astrology. That our fates are steered by the stars. But he was a great believer in the strength of the spirit and the eternal nature of the soul. He believed that we could change what the stars dealt us. He believed we could become whoever we longed to be.”
Ben fell silent.
“Everyone has issues with which they must deal. Baggage from parents, lovers, spouses, ex-spouses, children. From traumatic events. They deal with their problems in different ways. Or find ways to avoid them. Some of those ways actually benefit other people, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are not dealing with their issues. More like self-medicating with good deeds. And how long can anyone keep that up? Not forever. It’s impossible to know exactly what another person’s triggers might be…”
He seemed to be peering at Ben very closely. It was making him uncomfortable.
“… but I know what Joslyn was seeing. She knew she was dying. And she knew how I would react. Because I do have a temper. That’s one of the attributes the stars dealt me. She knew that could potentially get me into a lot of trouble.”
Dennis averted his eyes toward the floor. “After she died in my arms, I was filled with rage. When I saw Christopher Sentz, I wanted to do more than just punch him in the face. I wanted to kill him. For days thereafter, I wanted to kill him.” He shook his head. “I didn’t really get my head clear until I read this book, after I got out of prison. Then I understood what Joslyn was telling me. And I did it. I let go of my anger. Not just toward Sentz. Toward everyone.
“Have I told you about the foundation?” Dennis asked eagerly. “Whatever we get from the state, I’m putting into the Joslyn Thomas Foundation. To help those with medical difficulties who can’t get proper care. It’s not right that people have to endanger their health because they can’t afford to pay for it. It’s not right that children go uninsured through no fault of their own. Let’s face it-if Officer Shaw’s sister had been able to afford treatment, this whole mess might never have happened. So I’m going to try to make sure it never happens again.”
He leaned back in his chair. “I’m a better person now, Ben. Much better than I was before. It took a tragedy to get my life in order. But sometimes I think that’s why tragedies happen. We need something dramatic to shake us by the shoulders.” He smiled. “So we can outwit the stars.”
He leaned forward, gripping Ben’s wrist tightly. “We all can.”
He stood up and clapped his hands together. “Well, I suspect you’ve had about enough of me for one lifetime. I’m going to get out of here. So you can move on and obsess over something else.”
His eyes twinkled a bit. He walked toward the door, and just before he left, added, “Thank you, Ben. For giving me my life back. And making it better.”
He left the office. But even halfway down the hallway, Ben was able to hear him shout, “Now read the book!”
Ben blew air through his teeth. Honestly. He supposed it was sweet, in a way. So many people wanting to help him. As if he needed it. The only thing he needed right now was a little time off. Although he saw from the message on his desk that Jones had a potential new client for him. She had no money and the evidence was totally stacked against her, but she seemed sincere and her trial was scheduled to start in less than a week-
He looked up. What was it Dennis had said?
Slowly, almost grudgingly, he flipped open the pages of the big blue book.
“… the soul is ever-free; it is deathless because birthless; it cannot be regimented by stars…”