BURNING CORPSES IN the back of a semi: Not good.
Not fragrant, eithe r.
Troll was on the side with Roger and Samantha, so I hurried to the front, expecting to find him hovering over them, knife raised, face contorted into a sadistic grin.
Which is exactly what I saw.
I'd gotten to the point where rushing at a knife-wielding maniac didn't seem like that big of a deal. I grabbed his maniacal knife-wielding arm and slammed him into another of the corpses strapped to the wall. This one didn't inform us that it would be self-destructing.
The semi swerved abruptly, knocking Troll and I back into the aisle with the burning corpses. Sparks flew from several of them.
"You've ruined it all!" Troll shouted. "Mr. Burke is gonna shit a brick sideways!"
He slashed at me with the knife, missing completely. The smoke was starting to burn my eyes and it had to be affecting Troll as well because his next two slashes were further off the mark.
He screamed in frustration and flung the knife at me. I heard the thunk of the blade hitting dead flesh behind me.
Troll coughed.
The flames grew larger and more intense. Letting Roger and Samantha burn to death after surviving this hellish ordeal was simply not an option.
I let out a howl of primal rage, or what I figured was primal rage, and ran at Troll. I punched him in the face with my good hand and then my bad hand, not feeling the pain.
Troll seemed to enjoy the first punch. The second punch, not so much.
I punched again and again, doing the primal rage howl thing with each one. I pummeled him with force I didn't even realize existed inside of me.
Troll spat out a large mouthful of blood. "Truce…?"
I grabbed him by the collar and rushed down the aisle, dragging him along the burning corpses as I did so. This son of a bitch was taking a leap out of the back of a speeding semi. Troll cried out in protest and struggled, but he couldn't get away.
As we reached the edge at a high rate of speed, I let him go.
No witty comment was necessary.
Troll didn't fly out onto the pavement as planned. As he fell, his foot wedged behind one of the metal steps and he pitched forward onto the freeway.
He tried to use his hands to break his fall. It was not pretty. Troll found himself being dragged face-down behind a semi going about seventy miles per hour, and not much more needs to be said about that.
No cars were behind us to witness the gory sight. Presumably other drivers didn't want to linger behind a smoke-billowing semi truck.
I returned to the front, wincing as a particularly nasty shower of sparks got me in the arm. I could barely see Roger and Samantha through the smoke, but I felt my way over then removed Samantha's gag.
"Are you okay?" I asked her, as I unfastened the straps.
"Better than I was ten seconds ago."
"I don't know if this will help," I said, "but Troll's face is currently marking out a new lane divider."
"That does help."
"Good."
After I freed her, I went to work on Roger. "I bet you thought I wasn't coming back for you," I said.
"No, I thought you'd be here sooner."
"Sorry. I got distracted."
"What happened after they took you away?"
I stabbed my daughter and tried to kill my wife…
"Nothing."
Samantha helped me unstrap Roger from his chair, and before long they were both free. Roger scooped Samantha up in his arms and the three of us hurried to the open end of the semi. The fire had spread and engulfed all of the hanging corpses in the center.
"I'm, uh, sure you've got a splendid escape plan," said Roger.
I knelt down, yanked Troll's foot out from where it was wedged, and set what was left of his body free. "You haven't had anything to do for the past few minutes. Didn't you think of one?"
"Extend the ramp," said Samantha.
I unlatched the metal ramp and Roger and I pushed it out to its full length. It scraped against the pavement with a sound even more hideous than the smell of burning flesh.
"This isn't going to work," Roger insisted. "Even without the fall, if we hit the pavement going this fast we'll be killed!"
"We can't stay in here!" I gestured to the burning corpses. Where the hell was Helen when I needed a limo to leap upon?
One of the corpses exploded behind us, causing several others to drop to the floor.
"This whole truck could blow up!" Samantha shouted.
"We can get off this thing," I said. "We just need some kind of padding."
"What kind of padding?" Roger asked.
I looked at the corpses strapped to the wall.
Roger shook his head. "Oh, no way!"
I stood up and unhooked the corpse of a heavyset male with crossbows for hands and numerous wires protruding from his skin. "You look for some fluffy pillows. I'll take down the dead guy."
Instead of arguing, Roger helped me take down the corpse. "Oh, jeez, this is gonna be sick."
"At least they're not maggoty."
"Shut up. I mean it."
"Samantha, Goblin is hanging up on the other side. Try to tear off his feet."
"Say what?"
"They're wheels! Do it!"
Samantha nodded and left, scooting along on her knees.
"This is wrong on so many levels," said Roger, as we released the body. It fell to the floor, landing on its belly. Pushing as hard as we could, we managed to shove it to the ramp.
"Here they are." Samantha handed me Goblin's foot-wheels. I slammed one of the bloody spikes between the heavyset corpse's shoulder blades and another into its lower back.
"We need more," I said, pointing to one of the fallen corpses. "That one has wheels, too."
Roger hurried over to it and tried to pry off the feet. "They won't come off! There's a metal band around them!" He glanced around and lifted the arm of another corpse. Its hand was a hacksaw. "You probably don't want to see this."
Moments later he returned. I pulled the meat off the wheels and tossed it aside, and then slammed the next two spikes into the corpse's back.
Another explosion, this one spraying us extremely well.
The semi swerved violently and dangling burning corpse legs just narrowly missed my head.
"Let's turn him over!" Roger, Samantha, and I all turned the corpse onto its back, and then maneuvered it over to the top of the ramp, head-first. It didn't roll easily.
"No way in hell is this going to work," said Roger.
"It'll be fine," I insisted. "We'll just all hold on tight and go for a ride. You take the front, Roger."
Roger climbed onto the corpse and sat on its chest.
"Oh, God… oh, God…" he said. "I can think of so many things I'd rather be doing right now."
The semi swerved again, and Samantha and I momentarily lost our hold on the corpse.
It was long enough. The corpse rolled down the ramp as Roger frantically turned himself around and tried to reach for my arm.
"Shiiiiiit!" he cried, as the corpse rolled off the ramp and onto the freeway. Two of the wheels immediately went flying in opposite directions. Roger pressed himself down against the body as it slid across the pavement, its head bouncing up and down and its arms flapping.
The other two wheels popped out from underneath the corpse, but it continued to slide. Roger remained on top.
As the corpse slowed and we sped away, I saw that Roger was going to be fine.
Samantha and I were still screwed, though.
"Y'know, call me optimistic, but I think Corpse Surfing is going to be the next big fad to sweep the nation," I said.
Samantha gaped at me.
"It worked, though, didn't it?" I asked. "Let's just find another cyborg and some more wheels and get the hell out of here, too!"
The semi turned slightly as we took an exit. This could either be really good or really bad, depending on whether or not Mr. Burke decided to slow down to a reasonable speed or to just plow through everything doing seventy.
Since I didn't detect any reduction in speed, it appeared the latter was going to be the case.
"If we die," said Samantha, "I want you to know I've always felt you were a really great person. Roger is lucky to have you as a friend."
"I've always felt the same way about you, too," I said, somewhat annoyed that my potential final words on this earth had to be a little white lie.
We took down another corpse. This one wasn't as big as the first and was unlikely to provide as much padding, but we had to make do with what we had. With the thick smoke and dangerous flames, we also wouldn't be finding any more wheels.
There was a huge jolt as the semi smashed through something. A moment later I saw it had been a thick wooden fence.
The pavement turned to grass.
The semi began to slow down.
We were saved! Even without a handy corpse for protection, we certainly could handle a jump onto grass. What were a few more bumps, bruises, and open wounds at this point?
I saw Mr. Burke rolling on the grass, obviously having leapt out of the vehicle. That probably wasn't good.
Another huge jolt.
Suddenly our view of the grass became a view of the clear blue sky as the semi tilted at a forty-five degree angle.