‘You play at school, yeah?’
‘Every Thursday.’
‘Is there a school team?’
‘Yeah, but Mr Williams says I’m too small to play for it. I have to wait until next year.’
Shepherd retrieved the ball and tossed it to Liam. Liam headed it back.
‘Are you going to get married again, Dad?’ he asked.
Shepherd’s jaw dropped. ‘What makes you ask that?’
‘Pete’s dad’s getting married next week and Pete says his new mum’s really cool,’ said Liam.
‘What happened to Pete’s old mum?’
‘She and his dad got divorced. She went to live in America with her new husband and Pete got to live with his dad.’
Shepherd tried to spin the football on his right index finger but it fell to the ground. He trapped it with his foot. ‘And you want a new mum, is that it?’
Liam shrugged awkwardly. ‘It might be fun.’
‘Do you have anyone in mind?’
Liam’s cheeks reddened. ‘Katra, maybe.’
Shepherd laughed. ‘Katra? She’s not much older than you.’
‘She’s twenty-three,’ said Liam.
‘And I’m thirty-five. I’m almost old enough to be her dad, too.’
‘No, you’re not,’ said Liam. ‘You’d have been twelve when she was born and you can’t be a dad when you’re twelve.’
‘The way things are going, these days, you can,’ said Shepherd.
‘I like Katra,’ said Liam.
‘You marry her,’ said Shepherd.
Liam pulled a face. ‘I don’t want to marry her,’ he said. ‘Anyway, I don’t want a wife. I want a mum.’
‘I miss your mum, too,’ said Shepherd.
‘All the time?’
‘Of course.’
‘I dream about her.’
‘Me too,’ said Shepherd.
‘Sometimes I dream that she comes back. She says she’s been away on holiday and now she’s going to live with us again.’
Shepherd picked up the ball and tossed it back to his son. He had the same dreams, less often now, but they still came every few weeks. She’d be back with him and Liam, back in the house, back in his bed.
‘When I dream about Mum, is it really her?’ asked Liam. He sat on the ball, his hands on the ground to steady himself.
‘It’s just a dream,’ said Shepherd.
‘But it feels so real. Like it’s really her.’
‘I know, but it’s not. It’s just your subconscious trying to make you feel better.’
Liam frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
Shepherd went and sat on the grass next to his son. ‘First, there’s the thinking bit of your brain, the bit you use to solve problems, the bit you use when you’re talking, or when you just sit and think. But then there’s another part that does its thinking in the background. Like your imagination.’
Liam’s frown deepened and Shepherd realised he wasn’t doing a good job of explaining himself. If he’d known in advance that he’d be going over the finer points of psychology with his son he’d have phoned Kathy Gift for a briefing.
‘The subconscious does things without you thinking about it,’ he continued. ‘Sometimes you might feel sad but you don’t know why, and that’s because you’re thinking about something subconsciously.’
‘Thinking without thinking?’ said Liam. ‘Is that what you mean?’
‘Sort of,’ said Shepherd. His lecture was going from bad to worse he thought. ‘It’s, like, we know Mum’s dead, and that she’s not coming back. But part of us wants to believe she will come back. And that part of us is what makes the dreams.’
‘But when I talk to her in the dreams, it’s like I’m really talking to her.’
‘I know what you mean.’ Shepherd had conversations with Sue in his dreams. And more. They kissed and touched, and sometimes he entered her – and then he’d wake with a hard-on and his stomach would lurch when he remembered he’d never make love to her again. Sue was dead and she’d stay that way for all eternity. Shepherd didn’t believe in God or in heaven, so he knew he’d never see her again. Ever. ‘You’re talking to her memory, Liam,’ he went on. ‘And you’ll always have that. She’ll always be in your heart and your head.’
Liam’s lips quivered. ‘Sometimes I forget what she looks like,’ he said.
‘That’s not true,’ said Shepherd.
‘When I think about her, I can’t remember her face. I look at the photographs and I know it’s her and I can remember the photographs, but when I try to remember the things we did and the places we went sometimes I can’t see her face. But when I dream it’s like she’s really there and I can see her and everything.’
‘Hey, that’s okay,’ said Shepherd. ‘You remember her and that’s what matters. And you know how much she loved you. Your mum loved you more than anything.’
‘More than you?’ Liam wiped a tear from his cheek.
‘You’re her son. Her boy. You were the most important thing in her life.’
‘So why am I forgetting her?’
‘You’re not,’ said Shepherd.