It was raining. My stomach was hurting. My scalp was tingling. I knew these feelings. They were the same ones I got on the way into court. Butterflies, but worse. Stage fright, but more extreme.
It was too much. I had to have a cigarette to calm it down. I had to have a lot of cigarettes to calm it down.
I asked the driver if I could smoke.
Sure, he said. No problem. Then I can too.
Relief. It was a long ride out to Westchester. Smoke-free, it would have been interminable.
So many times I’d been there. The first, the second time, I’d paid attention to every detail. I’d talked endlessly with the staff. I’d read and reread the pamphlets. I’d wanted so badly to make it work. To get the old Melissa back.
By the third or fourth trip the cynicism had set in. Going to the clinic after every new relapse became a depressing routine. There was nothing I could do. It was up to her. If she didn’t really want to stop, it wasn’t going to happen. They told me that. But it still was hard to take. The helplessness.
I’d begun to wonder whether it really was possible. To slay the Monster.
The well-manicured grounds came into view, discreetly separated from the surrounding stately homes by a rustic stone wall.
It all looked gray in the rain.
My heart went cold.
Not a bad thing, actually, for the job I had to do. Squeezing information from a reluctant witness. No room for extraneous emotion.
Steiglitz showed me into his office. It was expansive, elegant. Just like he was. Or thought he was. He was his usual slick and unctuous self. His handshake was firm and dry. It lasted just the right amount of time to convince you of his genuine sympathy. He didn’t sit behind a desk. He ushered me into an armchair. Pulled one over for himself. Just two guys sharing their feelings. Open up. Share. Let’s make it all feel better.
The first task was to make him comfortable in his assumptions.
I told him that Melissa’s death had made me do some hard thinking. That I’d finally realized it. That I too had a drinking problem.
He was solicitous. He questioned me gently, but extensively. My drinking habits. A little family history. My motivations. My rationale.
That part required no mendacity. Fact was, I was getting out of control. I was more and more needing several drinks just to feel normal. I had the shakes in the morning. I was up to eight double Scotches a day, easy.
Yes, I had a problem.
In fact, so convincing was my story that I almost decided to admit myself into the clinic, right then right there.
Steiglitz did not approve. Too many bad associations with the place, he said.
That, I couldn’t argue with.
My cell phone rang. Terry. I apologized to Steiglitz. Took the call. Terry told me what he’d found. Not a smoking gun. But maybe enough. Enough to make an educated guess.
I hung up the phone. Apologized again.
No, no, said Steiglitz, not a problem.
He carried on where he’d left off. I should find a group in Manhattan I’d be comfortable with. He’d suggest a few. I could try them out. See if there was one I would respond to. They weren’t all clones of twelve-step hell. There had to be a group or two for cynical, successful guys like me. Guys who weren’t going to put up with the usual quasi-Christian pabulum.
Sure, I said. Sounds good. I’ll try that. Thanks.
I did not get up to leave. I pulled the silent thing on him. I looked him in the eye.
I knew that if I was right about him, he’d be drawn in. A guiltless conscience would just say, ‘Well, I’m glad we’ve made some progress.’ Would get up, put out his hand. Whatever. Indicate the audience was over.
Well, he said, I’m glad we’ve made some progress.
He got up. Put out his hand.
Damn. The guy was good.
There’s something else I want to talk about, I said.
Oh, he said with a broad smile. Of course. I didn’t mean to be rude.
He sat back down.
That’s okay, I said. I understand. You’re a busy man.
Well, I guess I am, he said expansively, with a touch of pride. But I can always spare some time for an old friend.
An old friend? Too big a stretch.
The first crack in the facade.
I wanted to ask you about something I came across, I said.
Yes? he said, his head cocked to the side in a simulacrum of interest.
Jane Doe.
Jane Doe?
Yes. Jane Doe.
I’m afraid I’m at a loss.
Jane Doe, I repeated once again. It’s a name the courts use to mean ‘anonymous.’ When there’s a confidentiality order. When to make the name public would cause so much harm that the public’s right to know is secondary.
Silence.
Do you follow me? I asked.
Yes, he said. His smile had stiffened.
You’ve got a Jane Doe case, don’t you?
I do?
You do.
Ah.
I was waiting for him to call Security. Have me thrown out. I could see him calculating the consequences. If Jane Doe were nothing, that’s exactly what he’d do. Call my bluff. Throw me out. But if there was something there, throwing me out would only delay the inevitable. He’d go for damage control.
I had a big edge. He didn’t know what I had in my hand.
I didn’t know what he had either. But he didn’t know that.
And his next move was going to tell me.
And what is it you’d like to know? he asked, as affably as he could manage.
The fish was on the hook.
I dropped the pretense. I put on my poker face. Impassive. Unreadable. I looked unblinking into his eyes.
What’s the big secret? I asked.
He paused. He considered his options.
I’m not at liberty to say, he said.
How’s that? I asked evenly.
As you said, there’s a confidentiality order. I’d be in contempt of court.
I see. But otherwise, you’d be happy to share it with me, of course?
That re-raise he hadn’t expected. He paused again. Looked at his cards. He didn’t have the nuts, that was sure. Did he have something he could call with? Re-re-raise? Did he have enough to beat a bluff?
No, he said, I don’t think I would.
Why not?
Because I have an obligation to my patients. To keep their affairs private.
Even those who sue you? I asked, ignoring, for the moment, the interesting choice of noun: affairs.
Even those.
He sat up straighter. He thought he was getting the upper hand. He was reading me for a bluff.
He was good. He was very good. If I was going to get anything out of him on this cold damp afternoon, I had to take it all the way. I had to tell him what he was holding.
If I was wrong, the game was over.
But it wasn’t really a bluff. It was a semi-bluff. Terry would get me something. I’d win this one in the end.
But I didn’t want to wait. I wanted Steiglitz right then. I wanted to watch his tan go white. I wanted to watch him squirm. I wanted to make it hurt.
Hell, what did I have to lose?
I re-re-raised.
Even those who sue you for sexual misconduct? I asked.
It was only a moment. But it was the decisive moment. The microscopic, instant straining at the corners of his eyes.
I’d got him. I’d figured his cards.
I think this conversation’s gone far enough, he said.
Okay, I said with a friendly smile. I understand. Patient confidentiality. I wouldn’t want to make you breach your patient’s trust.
Just two professionals understanding each other, we were.
He didn’t move. He didn’t say a thing.
There’s just one other thing, I said.
Yes? he said, with a distracted air.
He was deflated. I saw it in his shoulders. He was resigned to it.
It was going to be worse than he thought.
I wondered, I said, if you might not mind giving a DNA sample.
Pardon me?
A DNA sample.
Whatever for?
Well, I said. I think it’s time for me to lay my cards on the table.
He stared at me. His jaw was clenched.
There was an autopsy. Of course, you know that.
An autopsy?
Of Melissa.
The muscles in his jaw let loose. His mouth hung open, just a bit, as though about to speak. But he didn’t.
And there was a curious result.
He gathered himself. He got up from his chair. He went to the window. His back was to me. He looked out at the rain.
Semen, I said. There was semen.
He said nothing.
It wasn’t mine, I said to his silent back.
And it’s been remarked, I continued, that you were the last man she was seen with. Other than myself. Before her death, that is.
He slowly turned around. His eyes were full of tears.
A most peculiar sight.
He walked slowly back to his chair. Sat down. Looked straight at me.
All right, he said. You know.
I do now.
He looked startled. It dawned on him: he’d been outplayed.
He shrugged.
She was a very special woman, he said.
I know that. I married her.
I wanted to spit at him.
You don’t have to do a DNA test, he said.
I know that too, I said with conviction. Now.
But you don’t think…
I don’t think anything. I want to know. I plan to find out.
He sat in thought. He looked up. He looked me in the eye.
Her death was exactly what it seemed, he said.
He’d recovered some of his poise. His gaze was level. His voice sincere.
But that was not enough for me.
How do you know that? I asked.
I don’t know that. But I knew her.
My eyes narrowed.
I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to ask the next question.
But I had no choice.
The game had gone that far.
They said there was evidence of – I hesitated at the word – forcing.
He didn’t flinch. He shrugged, apologetically.
I’m sorry, he said. I know how it sounds. But you understand, I’m sure.
I did. I didn’t want to. But I did.
Show me who’s a man, she’d say.
I hung my head.
I heard his voice from far away.
I was her…well, I was more than her doctor, of course. But the end was inevitable.
I said nothing.
You knew that, he said. You know that.
My body lost a fraction of its tension. There was truth in what he said.
I looked into his eyes.
He didn’t look away.
We were two men in a room.
Two men alone.