I walked up on to the stage. I was feeling a bit nervous, which was unusual for me. Maybe it was because I knew how important this gig was to everybody at Electric, and also because I had to follow a really great folk singer – a guy called Ciaran, who was unbelievably talented. Nevertheless, I approached the mic with pretend confidence. I never really hear anything when I’m performing – I don’t notice the crowd talking or anything like that, I just focus on the song. I sang an original, the one I’d sung to Colin in my bedroom, and it got a pretty good response. Ellie gave me the thumbs up from the side of the stage and I was glad I’d made her happy. But I had no idea what cover I was going to play. The seconds ticked by and I tried to think of something. I’d had a few ideas before I got up on stage, but now my mind was just completely blank. What the hell was I going to sing? Faces from the crowd looked at me expectantly and I started to panic. Then I saw Nick walking into the room, and I got even more distracted. I was glad he’d come – I wasn’t sure if he was going to turn up after the fight we’d had.
‘Jacki,’ whispered Ellie, and then she shot me a look as if to say, What the hell are you doing? A camera flash blinded me for a second, but instead of making things worse, it helped me snap out of it. I knew what I was going to sing: ‘Pictures of You’ – the Cure song I’d been listening to every night in my dreams. I’d been thinking about doing my own version, and although I hadn’t even practised it properly, I decided it was perfect. I took a deep breath and sang, completely escaping into the world of the song, only to be brought back to the moment by the huge applause I got when I sang the last line.
The buzz I felt from performing was, as always, amazing. It was a feeling that I didn’t think could be beaten. I looked at my watch. How was it half ten already? Nick had to go soon and I’d hardly spoken to him all night. I knew this would make him grumpy, but hopefully he’d understand. It’s not like he hadn’t done this kind of thing before, and at least I had a proper excuse. He surely couldn’t hold this against me. I hurried out from behind the bar, determined to find him, promising myself I wouldn’t get pulled away from his side again tonight, no matter what happened.
I elbowed and nudged my way through the crowd, right up to the stage where the last band was playing a catchy pop tune. Saxophone and synths and electric guitars blasted from the speakers, and a group of girls at the front danced and sang along with the lead singer’s cheery vocals. I stood on the steps that led to the backstage door and scanned the mob of faces. I couldn’t see Nick anywhere. I searched the other room too, dodging barmen carrying stacks of glasses and pushing past couples making out. There was no sign of him there either. I really hoped he hadn’t left for the bus already. Would he have gone without saying goodbye? Maybe Nick had been looking for me and hadn’t been able to find me. That thought filled me with panic. I couldn’t let another week go by with that horrible tension between us. He hadn’t even texted me to tell me how his gig went. I needed to talk to him; I needed to apologize. I needed everything to go back to normal.
I spotted Sophie at the merchandise stand and made my way over to her. Dillon was standing behind it, arranging T-shirts and CDs into neat piles. He was really taking the ‘Look busy’ thing seriously. Ellie was standing by the door, holding a clipboard. I was careful to avoid her in case she asked me to do something. I’d explain the situation to Dillon later – maybe he’d cover for me.
‘Soph,’ I said, tapping her on the shoulder. ‘Have you seen Nick?’
‘Think he went out to the smoking area with the others,’ she said as she rooted around in her purse. ‘I know I have a fiver in here somewhere,’ she mumbled to Dillon as she sifted through receipts.
‘Jacki, look at this,’ said Dillon, holding up a CD. ‘That first band recorded a cover of “Waiting for the Man” – I wonder if it’s any good.’
‘Oh, cool,’ I said, distracted.
‘Did you like them? I thought they were class.’
Dillon was looking at me, expecting an answer, but I was so preoccupied that I’d already forgotten the question.
‘Sorry, guys,’ I said. ‘I’ll talk to you later. I really need to find Nick.’
Dillon raised an eyebrow then turned round and put the CD back down on the table. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I didn’t even know why I was trying to work that out. Sophie looked at me disapprovingly, but I ignored it. She didn’t understand how I felt about Nick and how urgent it was that I found him. I had to talk to Nick; I had to fix things between us. I’d make it up to her later.
As I hurried up the stairs, Andrew was strutting down. He was checking out the girl in front of him so intently that he didn’t even see me. I rolled my eyes. For a split second I considered asking him more about the picture, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. This was too important. I’d call him tomorrow. I had to concentrate on my own problems first.
I finally made it to the smoking area and saw Nick near the back, talking to Chris and Fitz, our friends from Avarna. He was facing away from me, his head bowed as he laughed loudly. Chris nodded at me and Nick turned round. He suddenly looked serious. He walked towards me, and without actually touching me, led me towards the bench in the corner. I could tell he was annoyed, but I was sure that everything was going to be OK. I was going to apologize. He sat down and I sat right beside him. I tried to hold his hand, but he brushed me away.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I know I didn’t spend much time with you tonight. I was just so busy. We had all these tasks to do for the magazine and then I had to perform as well.’ He looked unimpressed. He obviously didn’t want to hear about that. ‘I know things haven’t been great between us,’ I carried on, ‘but that’s because we haven’t been spending much time together. I’ll be home in Avarna soon and things will go back to the way they used to be.’
‘Will they though?’ said Nick, without looking at me. He was pulling at a loose thread on his denims, like he always did when he was trying to think of what to say.
‘Of course,’ I said. And I really meant it. I knew we’d gone through a rough patch, but I was sure that was over now.
‘I don’t know, Jacki,’ he said with a sigh. ‘I try so hard to make you happy, but it’s never good enough.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked, confused. I wondered why he was talking like this. He didn’t sound himself; his voice seemed different, rehearsed. It was like I was listening to somebody else.
‘Being with you…’ he said. ‘It’s just so exhausting. I feel like you’re watching everything I do… waiting for me to mess up.’
There was no warmth in his words. It was like he was talking to a stranger. The word ‘exhausting’ echoed in my head. I was trying to make things right, why was he being like this?
‘I just find you so draining.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I said, feeling anger rising inside me. ‘It must take a lot out of you to have to send one text message every four days.’
He didn’t seem to have a comeback for this, so I kept talking.
‘No, I’m serious,’ I said. ‘Poor you! You should probably go on a holiday or something. Try to recover from how exhausting I am.’
‘Will you just drop the texting thing?’ he said. ‘I told you I had a lot going on this week.’
‘Yeah, I know. But what’s the point of all this if you don’t even want to talk to me? You must not like me very much any more!’ I was practically shouting at him, and still he refused to look me directly in the eye, which was making me even angrier.
‘I do like you though,’ he said, finally looking at me. ‘That’s what’s so frustrating about all of this! I do like you, but nothing is ever good enough!’
‘Oh, come on, Nick, don’t try to turn this round on me. If you had made even the slightest bit of effort, then we wouldn’t be having this fight! What am I supposed to do? Ignore all the crappy stuff you do? Sit back and say nothing while you act like a total jerk? I’m not going to let you walk all over me. I tried keeping everything inside, I really tried! It didn’t make things any better!’
This was so infuriating. I couldn’t believe he was blaming me for this. I wasn’t the one who’d changed. I wasn’t the one who’d stopped caring.
‘I don’t see what the big deal is,’ he said. ‘So I didn’t text you – wow, what a crime.’ And he had that indignant look on his face. I wasn’t going to censor my words any more. He was being so cruel, I wasn’t going to hold back either.
‘I think you were punishing me,’ I said. ‘For not going to your gig.’
‘Well then, you’re crazy. I didn’t text you because I just didn’t feel like it. I knew I’d be seeing you today. I was going to tell you then. Can you just drop it?’
‘And the fact that you never want to call me means that we have a problem,’ I said, moving down the bench, away from him. I couldn’t believe he was acting like this.
‘Why didn’t you call me, huh?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you ask me how my gig went?’
‘Why should I?’ I was actually shouting now. ‘I’m always the one making the effort!’
He just shrugged.
‘Why can’t you just say sorry?’ I said desperately. ‘Why can’t you just admit that you were wrong? Would that really be so hard?’
‘I’m not saying sorry. Because I didn’t do anything!’
I was aware that most of the people in the smoking area were now watching us, but I didn’t even care. I was so angry I was about to cry. I pressed the tips of my fingers against my eyes, as if hoping to force the tears back in. Neither of us said anything for a while, until Nick finally spoke.
‘I think we should break up,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘I don’t think we’re right for each other any more. I don’t think we should keep going on like this.’
‘You don’t mean that,’ I said, lifting my head. But when I saw the look on his face I started to panic. There was no anger there. He just looked like he wasn’t bothered any more. He was serious. I felt like everything was collapsing around me. I felt like nothing else mattered apart from what was happening right now on this bench. I told myself he meant everything to me. I needed to fix this, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to reverse the damage I’d done.
‘I can’t do this any more,’ he said. ‘I don’t think we’re right for each other.’
‘We are,’ I said, fighting back tears. I couldn’t bear this. We were meant to have made up by now. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
‘I didn’t mean it,’ I said. ‘I was just angry. I’m under a lot of pressure. I didn’t mean to say those things. I didn’t mean that we should actually break up. Stop for a second and think about what you’re saying. Think about what you’re throwing away.’
‘I’m sorry, Jacki,’ he said. ‘This is how it has to be. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I don’t think we should force this any more.’
The indifference in his voice upset me so much. He didn’t seem upset at all; it was like he didn’t care what this was doing to me. He didn’t care that I could hardly breathe, that I was about to burst into tears. Why was he doing this to me now? He knew how much stress I was under. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I started to cry. He just sat there, watching me. Chris and Fitz walked in our direction and then hovered awkwardly near the bench. They seemed to be as shocked about this as I was. Chris looked at me sympathetically, but Fitz just glared at Nick as if to say hurry up.
‘I have to get the bus,’ said Nick. ‘Will you be all right?’
Was he for real? Did he actually just say that?
‘Oh yes, I’ll be fantastic,’ I said, then buried my face in my hands.
‘I’m sorry, Jacki,’ he muttered.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t look up. When I eventually did, they were gone. I rooted around in my bag for my phone. My hand was shaking as I scrolled down through the numbers, heavy tears dripping on to the screen.
‘Hey,’ said Hannah, picking up. ‘Sorry I bailed – had to catch the bus. I have rehearsals at half eight.’
‘He broke up with me,’ I sobbed down the phone.
‘What? Where are you?’
‘The smoking area.’ I wiped my eyes.
‘I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
‘No, it’s OK. I thought you were still here. Go home, I’ll be fine.’
‘Stay there,’ she said. ‘I’m getting off.’
‘Seriously, it’s -’
‘Stop the bus!’ she screamed, and then hung up.
‘I mean, who the hell does he think he is?’ said Hannah.
‘What a total dickhead,’ said Sophie. ‘I’m so angry with him. SO angry with him… I hate him.’
‘He’s not even that hot,’ said Hannah. ‘He has a really big forehead.’
‘That’s true,’ said Sophie. ‘He does have a really big forehead.’
We sat in the ice-cream parlour across from Rage. It was empty apart from us and the ice-cream guy, who was drawing in his sketchbook and not taking any notice of our ranting. My mint choc-chip was melting into gloop and I swished it round with my spoon, unable to stomach it. Hannah and Sophie had been bitching about Nick for the past ten minutes, which did actually help to ease the pain a little. I wasn’t taking part any more; I was writing him an extremely long text instead, trying to explain why I’d been so difficult.
‘And he used the word literally in totally the wrong context once,’ said Sophie.
‘Yeah, that’s a real deal-breaker,’ said Hannah with a laugh.
‘What? I’m trying to be helpful!’ said Sophie.
‘You’re not texting Nick, are you?’ asked Hannah, breaking off from their we-hate-Nick session and finally noticing what I was up to. I didn’t even bother trying to lie. Hannah was an actress – she could spot even the most skilled of fakers.
‘Jacki, give me your phone,’ she said sternly.
‘But a lot of it is my fault,’ I said. ‘I threatened him. I gave out to him for not sharing stuff with me. I said if he couldn’t do that then what was the point of us?’
‘Listen,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s not your fault, OK? Something was obviously not right. You said so yourself last week.’
‘I know… but I never really thought we’d actually break up. I just need to -’
‘You should wait,’ said Sophie. ‘Wait until you’ve calmed down a bit, looked at things rationally, before you text him.’
‘Whatever you say now is going to sound a little crazy,’ said Hannah, ‘no matter how good your intentions. I know you feel like the only thing you want to do right now is fix it, but you have to let him go. He chose to break up with you. He’s a moron for doing it, and either you two weren’t meant for each other, or he’ll realize what a complete idiot he was and come running back. But he’s going to have to realize that for himself. You couldn’t control what happened tonight, but you can control what you do now. Don’t call him.’
It was the only thing I wanted to do right now, but I could see Hannah’s point. I deleted the half-written text without sending it and handed her my phone.
‘You’ll thank me later,’ she said.
‘They should really teach night classes on the subject of boys,’ said Sophie, folding her napkin into the shape of a ship. ‘Forget metaphysics, relationships are the real predicament.’
‘Life is one big long relationship night class,’ I said with a sigh.
Sophie smiled. ‘A friend-ship,’ she said, handing me the folded napkin. I giggled. I was so lucky to have such nice friends. Friends who convinced bus drivers to brake at undesignated stops and bought ice cream to cheer me up and lied about the level of my ex-boyfriend’s hotness. I did wish Colin could be here too, even if he would just say I told you so. He’d been right about Nick. He’d said I was going to get hurt, and now I was hurting a lot. But even though Nick had hurt me so much, I was still sure I loved him. And I really wanted to talk to him. I wouldn’t though. Not yet… I’d take Hannah’s advice.
‘Are you sure you’re going to be OK?’ said Sophie as we arrived at my gran’s gate.
‘Yes, I’ll be fine,’ I said.
Hannah handed me back my phone. ‘Call me if you need anything,’ she said.
‘I will.’
‘And don’t call him,’ she added.
‘I won’t.’
They forced me into a bear hug, only letting go when I’d been suitably squashed.
‘Bye,’ they said in unison.
‘Bye,’ I said, then pushed open the gate.
I opened the front door, stepped into the hallway, then closed the door as gently as possible behind me. It was so quiet, all the lights were off and Gran had gone to bed. In the silence the sadness suddenly hit me like a blow to the chest. I climbed the stairs, went into my bedroom, lay down on my bed and called Nick’s number. It rang out. He didn’t want to talk to me, he didn’t want to see me, he didn’t want to be with me. I felt so empty. I threw my phone on the floor, curled up into the smallest ball my body would allow and cried myself to sleep.