Ok, I thought, back at my apartment, that could have gone worse.
I could, for example, have thrown up on him. That would have been worse. Or my head could have exploded. That would have been worse and messier.
Oh, who was I kidding? We don’t see each other for seven years, and I greet him by passing out.
It couldn’t have gone worse.
But I had an excuse, right? I mean, first Al en dies, and then Tony appears. There are only so many shocks a system can stand.
As a computer geek, I know al about systems crashing. Too much input and the whole network comes crashing down.
I was definitely suffering from data overload. The attention deficit doesn’t help, either. According to the books, it’s at moments like this that I’m likely to be distracted by a mil ion smal details and forget to focus on the big picture.
Focus, Kevin, focus.
Tony couldn’t have been nicer about the whole thing, but in a detached, professional way. In front of the other cops, he kept cal ing me “sir,” offering to get me water or a chair. Final y, when everyone else drifted away, he whispered to me, “Listen, I know we have to talk. How about I get your address and take your statement at your place? You OK to get home? I could have someone take you.”
I told him I was fine. I gave him my address and he said he’d be over as soon as he finished up at “the scene.” He figured it would be another hour, hour and a half, tops.
That was an hour ago. Plenty of time for me to replay our conversation in my head a mil ion times.
What did he mean by “we have to talk?” Did he mean about Al en or about us? And why come to my place to do it? Couldn’t we have spoken just as wel there? Does he always interview witnesses at their homes? I didn’t see him inviting himself over to Homeless Lady’s house, although I guess she didn’t have one, being homeless and al.
I thought for a moment about whether homeless shelters counted as “homes” before I realized I was getting distracted again.
Focus.
I ran around the apartment, putting the dirty dishes under the sink (no time to wash them), making the bed, and taking the porn off the nightstands. I considered changing into something sexier, but I figured that would look contrived. But I did comb my hair and wash the snot off my face.
I was doing some push-ups to pump up my pecs when I stopped myself.
Why was I bothering? He probably has another boyfriend by now. Even if Tony was interested, and he did nothing to signal that he was, would I want him back? It took me a long time and a lot of tears to get over him. Did I want to put myself through that again?
Tony Rinaldi had caused me nothing but pain.
Which is why I couldn’t understand the feelings I had the whole time we were talking in front of Al en’s building.
The lightheadedness. The pounding heart. Even under the terrible circumstances that had brought us together, the sheer joy I felt seeing his face again.
That squishy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wondered if an antacid would help.
Shit.
Tony knocked ten minutes later. “Hi,” he said, immediately extending his arm for a handshake.
Making it clear that he didn’t want a hug.
In front of Al en’s building, I couldn’t get a good look at Tony. But standing in the light of my hal way, I saw him clearly. He looked incredible. His boyish features had matured, maybe hardened a little. His cheekbones were more defined, his lips even ful er.
His body was stil prime. Wide shoulders tapered to narrow hips. I could see the bulge of his biceps and the flatness of his stomach underneath his white dress shirt.
I knew the view would only improve from the back.
There was also something a little haunted about him, a little tired. Maybe it was just the years, or the lateness of the day, or the stress of the job. Maybe it was al the work that having to deal with Al en’s death would bring. Maybe it was the heat.
Maybe it was seeing me again.
I shook his hand.
“Come in,” I said. “It’s good to see you. I think.” I gave a little shrug.
“Yeah,” he said, a slight chuckle in his voice. “It’s good to see you, too.”
“But weird.”
“Yeah, weird,” he agreed.
We stood at opposite ends of the room like boxers waiting for the bel to ring. I knew why I didn’t want to get any closer. I didn’t trust my hands to behave themselves.
“How about something cold?” I offered.
“That would be great.”
I got us both beers. When I returned, Tony was sitting in a chair across from the sofa. I handed him his drink and took a sip of mine. I licked my lips. As Alicia Silverstone so memorably said in Clueless, anything that draws attention to your mouth is good.
“I’m breaking a couple of rules by having this now,” Tony observed as he opened his bottle. “I’m here on official business, you know.”
He was joking, but he was also making sure I knew why he was here: Sorry guy, nothing personal. I felt something inside me sink, but I wil ed myself not to react.
“Too bad about your friend,” he said. “How did you know him?”
I’m not ashamed of what I do for a living, but it never even occurred to me to tel Tony how I real y met Al en Harrington. I figured I’d get the false origin of our relationship out of the way as soon as possible, so I could stick to the later, more relevant, truths. “We met at a party. We’d get together once a month or so for dinner, a show, whatever. He was a great guy.”
Tony fidgeted. “Some of his neighbors said that he was, uh, gay.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Wel, I was just wondering, if you two were, um, boyfriends.”
“No. He was just a friend. I told you”
“Just checking.” Tony took a long swig from his bottle. “You’re probably not even into that stuff anymore, right?”
“Friends?” I asked stupidly.
“No, you know, gay stuff.”
Maybe it was just al the shocks of the day, but I real y couldn’t fol ow him. “What do you mean?”
Tony’s face was starting to get red and his voice louder. “What do you mean what do I mean?”
Was he trying to confuse me? “Uh, say what now?”
Tony sighed exaggeratedly. “I mean, you know, fooling around with guys.”
Was he insane? “Of course I stil fool around with guys. I’m gay, Tony. Just like you.”
“Whoa!” Tony stood up. “Wait a minute!” He held out his left hand. “I’m married.” A gold band around his ring finger confirmed it.
OK, I hadn’t noticed the ring. Cal it denial. But, give me a break. If I had a dol ar for every man with a wedding ring I’ve done, wel, I’d have a lot of dol ars.
“Being married doesn’t make someone straight, Tony.”
“It makes me straight, damn it.” He took a breath and seemed to wil himself to calm down. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, I’ve always been straight.”
I made a vow that I’d grab his gun and shoot myself in the foot before I cried in front of him again.
Instead, I decided to play it steely, like Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest when she faces down the Pepsi board of directors, hissing, “Don’t fuck with me fellas, this ain’t my first time at the rodeo.”
“Don’t pul that shit with me, Rinaldi. You fucked me, remember? I sure do.”
“That was teenage experimentation, Kevin.”
“And I fucked you.”
“Yeah, wel you’d have to cal that part a failed experiment, wouldn’t you?”
I had to grant him that one.
“You told me you loved me.”
“That was my dick talking.”
Now, Tony was the one who was lying.
“Wel,” I said, “dumb me, huh? Cause I sure loved you.”
“I know,” Tony said. He came over to the couch, sat next to me. Looked me in the eyes. “And I’m sorry. I knew that you had feelings, and I used you.
And I… cared about you, too. Very much.
“But, I didn’t want to be… that way,” Tony continued. “And, I blame myself. I was older than you.
I shouldn’t have let it happen.”
I felt tears in my eyes again, bit my tongue hard.
Tony waited for me to say something, but what could I say?
“I shouldn’t have come here,” Tony said. His eyes looked even darker than when he arrived. When did he get so sad?
He stood up. “But I just wanted you to know I was sorry for hurting you. I also wanted to let you know I was sorry about your friend kil ing himself. And I thought that maybe we could be friends. But we can’t be more than that, not again. I’m not gay.”
Tony walked to the door.
He looked at me one more time, waiting for me to do something. But what? Was I supposed to run after him? Beg him to stay? Throw myself at him?
Forgive him? Say good-bye?
I kind of wanted to do at least four of those things.
But I knew I’d be making a mistake. So I did nothing.
He opened the door.
“Tony.”
He turned around.
I walked towards him. Damn he smel ed good.
I ran my hand through my hair and licked my lower lip. “You’re wrong.”
An expression that could have been anything from desire to annoyance flashed across Tony’s face.
“Kevin, I told you, I’m married.”
“No,” I said flatly. “Not about that. About Al en. He didn’t kil himself. Come back in, and I’l tel you about the man whose murder you should be investigating.”
So, for the next thirty minutes, I told Tony about Al en.
I told him how happy Al en was and how optimistic he had been about the future. I told him of Al en’s many important roles in the community, his involvement with nonprofit groups, and of his deep and abiding friendships. I told him of Al en’s estrangement from his family, but his hope that his kids would eventual y come around. I told him I couldn’t think of anyone less likely to leap off a balcony than Al en Harrington.
Tony listened intently, leaning forward, occasional y asking relevant questions and taking notes. I could see what a good cop he must be.
I was only occasional y sidetracked by the sensual arc of his neck, his sexy way-past 5:00 shadow, his silky hair.
After I shared everything I knew, Tony sat back in his chair.
“He sounds like a great guy.”
“He is,” I said. “Was.”
“I wanted to hear everything you had to say so that you would know that I’m taking you seriously. But now, you need to listen.”
Tony leaned forward again. Close enough so that I could smel the beer on his breath. I tried not to be distracted by the way his lips moved.
“There were no signs of forced entry, and no signs of a struggle. The doorman said he didn’t see anyone suspicious entering or leaving. Everything points to a suicide.”
“Was there a note?”
“No, but those are a lot less common than the movies would have you think.”
“I just don’t believe he could have kil ed himself.”
“It’s what I know for now,” Tony said. “But come by my office in a day or two and we can talk again.” He stood up and handed me his card.
“Listen,” he asked, “was Al en expecting you tonight?”
“No, I was just dropping something off.”
“Wel, he was expecting someone. He had an open bottle of wine out, and two glasses.
Untouched.”
Tony walked to the door.
“Kevin, I’m sorry if I upset you. Thanks for letting me come by. It was, um, good to see you.”
I joined Tony at the door to let him out. But first, an experiment. I stood close to him. Too close. The top of my head was at his chin.
He didn’t step away. I could feel the heat coming off his chest, his breath on my face.
His breath was coming faster now.
Was he remembering how our bodies fit so wel together? How hot it had been?
I looked up at him.
“Kevin,” he said, a little hoarsely. “I can’t do this.”
I make my living by knowing men’s desires. I could read the hundred subtle little signs that said he wanted me.
Plus, he had a hard-on.
“Do what?” I leaned in a little closer and stood up on my toes. “This?” I brought my lips closer to his.
“Please…” he said, a starving man refusing a meal. “I told you, I can’t.”
I got closer, my lips a mil imeter away from his. He didn’t back away.
But I did.
“OK, then,” I said, extending my hand. I gave him my butchest handshake. “Thanks for coming by.”
Tony stepped backward and I slammed the door.
Fuck you, Tony Rinaldi. If I never see you again, it wil be too soon. I hope your dick fal s off.
After Tony left, the waterworks started again. This time, the feelings were mixed: sadness, anger, frustration, fear.
It had been a long time since I cried. Now, twice in one night. This was not good. This was not me.
I looked at my watch. Midnight. Stil enough time to meet Freddy at the club. I traded my T-shirt for a tank that said “Twinkie” on the front and “Fil ed with creamy goodness” on the back.
No time for subtlety. I was going out to get laid.
I hooked my earbuds into my iPhone, put on my favorite podcast, the funny and fabulous Feast of Fools, and walked the ten blocks to Blow, the la test club to open in my neighborhood of Chelsea. It has a large bar area, a smal er dance floor, and an even smal er back room.
I found Freddy exactly where I expected to, dancing alone, eyes closed. I also found the usual gaggle of guys watching him, some surreptitiously, some goggle-eyed.
Freddy was quite the sight. Five foot ten inches of hip-shaking goodness. Thickly muscled but not over built, with a classical y handsome face. Broad nose, wide lips, and a supermodel smile. Freddy’s ass was the stuff of legends. And he could move it like nobody’s business: Watching Freddy dance could bring a dead man to erection.
Freddy is the twenty-six-year-old African-
American adopted son of a nice Jewish couple from Cleveland, OH. Raised rich, liberal, and white, he’s a strange mix of contradictions and common sense.
Butch and campy, Semitic and street, wel — read and foul-mouthed, Freddy never ceases to surprise me.
He’s also endearingly sweet, terrifical y loyal, and blessedly nonjudgmental.
Tonight, he was wearing black jeans that could have been painted on, and a white T-shirt tight enough to show the nipple rings underneath.
When I was a freshman at New York University, Freddy was student president of the school’s Gay/Straight Al iance. We had a brief fling, but, as it turned out, Freddy had a brief fling with pretty much everyone. Freddy was the guy everyone wanted, and, if they were passably attractive, could get.
I, on the other hand, haven’t slept around that much. Wel, not if you didn’t count the guys who paid for it. Freddy couldn’t understand my choice of profession, but I couldn’t understand his uncompensated promiscuity. So we made a perfect mismatch. Al wrong as lovers, but perfect as best friends.
I watched the guys watching Freddy for a few minutes before I joined him on the dance floor. “Hey, baby,” I said, grabbing his backside. “You got a license to drive that thing?”
“Sugar!” Freddy shouted. He gave me a big, strong hug. “So, are we on ful slut alert tonight?” he asked, eyeing my shirt.
“Mothers, hide your sons,” I warned.
But I wasn’t feeling it anymore. Now that I was at the club, my bravado was gone. I wished I were home in bed. Alone.
“Honey, when you go out cruising for some strange, it usual y means you’ve had a shitty day,”
Freddy said. “Come buy my black ass a drink and tel me al about it, bubela.”
“So, Twinkie boy,” he said as we sat in a booth in the quietest corner of the noisy bar, “what’s gotten in your cream?” I told him about losing Al en and finding Tony.
“Oy vey,” Freddy said, after hearing my tale of woe. “Talk about drama. You write that up as a screenplay with you as a woman, and Angelina Jolie and Ashley Judd wil be scratching each other’s eyes out to play that shit.”
“Like Ashley could last a minute against Angelina,” I said, trying to join in the joke. But my heart wasn’t in it. I put my head down on the table and moaned. “What am I going to do?”
Freddy tousled my hair. “Fuck Tony.”
“He didn’t even like it the first time.”
“No, I mean fuck him for not believing you. Solve Al en’s murder yourself!”
“Good plan,” I answered with sarcastic enthusiasm. “Let me get the Hardy Boys out of the backroom and you cal Nancy Drew!”
“Like that bitch would be any help,” Freddy answered. “If it weren’t for that dyke friend she hangs out with, she never would have cracked The Case of the Missing Dildo. Although,” Freddy continued, “I wouldn’t mind doing the Hardy Boys. That Shaun Cassidy had some back for a white boy.”
We sat in silence for a moment. Wel, as much silence as you can find in a club where Britney was playing loud enough to burst your eardrums.
“Tel you what,” Freddy said, “how about I help you?”
“If I were planning an orgy, you’d be the first person I’d cal. But I think we should leave the criminal investigations to the professionals. Tony wil put it together.”
“Honey, please, he can’t even figure out if he likes dick,” Freddy answered. “If you want Al en’s murderer to come to justice, you better break out some serious Charlie’s Angels action. Come to think of it, they were always going undercover as whores, so you’d be perfect!”
“A. I hate you,” I said. “B. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Wel, let’s see, the man had a lot of money and two estranged sons who hated the fact that their father was a faggot,” Freddy observed. “Anyone else you know have reason to see him dead?”
I had to admit that Freddy had a point. Here we were five minutes into the case, and we already had two more suspects than the police.
“Not offhand,” I answered.
“What about crazies,” Freddy asked. “He know any?”
“Wel, judging from the crowd in the street tonight, about half his neighbors seemed certifiable,” I observed. “But this is New York.”
“OK, we’l start with the sons, then,” Freddy answered. “Homophobia and greed: two good motives right there.”
Just then, a six-foot-tal, cappuccino-colored Latino man interrupted us. He was handsome, but kind of seedy, too. “Hey, cutie,” he said to me, “I couldn’t help but notice your shirt. Think I could sample some of that creamy fil ing?”
“Gee,” I answered, “as subtle and attractive an offer as that is, I’l have to decline.”
“No problem,” he answered, smiling. “How about you, sexy?” he said to Freddy. “Wanna dance?”
Freddy looked up at the guy’s eyes, and then craned his head around to read the back of the menu. “How about I just take you home and plow you like the fields of Idaho, instead?”
“Sounds good to me,” said tal, dark, and easy.
“Honey, you don’t mind, do you?” Freddy said, getting up from the booth. “We’l get serious about crime solving tomorrow. Kisses!
I left too, and grabbed a cab home. Two A.M. The light was blinking on my answering machine. I checked the cal er ID: my mother. I’d get it tomorrow.
Tomorrow was a busy day. I had to be at my volunteer job by 11:00, which meant I should be at the gym by 9:00. For me, working out is not an indulgence. It’s a job requirement. I have to maintain the merchandise.
I stripped down to my boxer briefs and washed up. I felt like shit. A quick glance in the mirror showed I looked like it, too.
I got into bed and said a little prayer for Al en.
I was asleep before reaching amen.