They ended up in a bar on the far edge of the county, one she’d never been to before. Mostly Indians in here, up from the Seminole Reservation in Immokalee, all men. Sara felt self-conscious as their eyes lingered on her. The jukebox was playing Tammy Wynette, and the ceiling fans were doing nothing to reduce the hanging haze of cigarette smoke.
When she came in, Billy was already at a booth in the back, a cypress table marked with cigarette burns. He looked at her, at the waistpack she wore.
“I won’t ask what’s in there,” he said.
She slipped into the booth. “I don’t have a lot of time.”
He got up. “No waitresses here.”
He went to the bar. Sara looked around. A middle-aged Indian in a western shirt, hair slicked back, turned on his stool to look at her, smiling drunkenly. Christ, she thought. What am I doing here?
Billy came back to the table with a pitcher and two mugs.
“PBR,” he said. “All they had on tap.”
He sat down, poured.
“I would have asked for Guinness,” he said, “but I don’t think they have much call for it out here.”
“I’m not here to drink.”
“I know.” He slid a filled mug in front of her, looked at his own. “Like I said, I feel bad about the way we left things.”
She looked away, her patience fading. The Indian was still watching her. She stared at him, didn’t look away, and he shrugged finally, turned back to the bar.
“You feel differently about me now,” Billy said. “I know that. It can’t ever be what it used to be.”
“We don’t need to go into all this, Billy. There’s no reason.”
“When you’re a kid, sometimes you let things get away from you, you know? You’re twenty-five, thirty, it’s easy to say, ‘Yeah, it didn’t work out.’ Like there’s always another opportunity, someone else coming down the line. Get to be my age and you realize you’re running out of options. And sometimes the things you let get away from you are the things you should have held on to with both hands.”
She met his eyes.
“My age, you let something go and you end up wondering if that was the one,” he said. “That you let it go and you’re never going to get it back.”
“I wasn’t the one, Billy. Get that out of your head. If I was, we wouldn’t be in this situation. You made your own decisions. You can’t blame them on anyone else.”
“I know that. It’s just that with you…” He looked away. “I just got scared, I guess. You, Danny. The way he is. I tried to be there, you know? Be strong. But sometimes I just couldn’t handle it.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
“What do you mean?”
“When Roy left, right after Danny got sick. That’s one of the things he told me. He loved Danny so much, he couldn’t stay around and watch him die. You know what that meant? That meant he was a fucking coward. And Danny’s still here. He’s not dying, and he’s going to get better, and I’ll do whatever I have to do to make that happen. Roy couldn’t handle Danny? That was his excuse. He couldn’t handle anything.”
He looked at his beer.
“You were his friend, Billy. You knew him. You know what I’m talking about.”
He nodded without looking up.
“Go ahead and drink that if you want,” she said. “I don’t care.”
“You’ve got a right to be mad, I understand that.”
“Do you?”
“And you’re right, some of the choices I made weren’t the best.”
“I’m not your therapist, Billy.”
“I know. But sometimes I think you were the only real chance I had to be happy, to have a normal life. And I let it slip away.”
“You’ve had lots of opportunities to be happy,” she said, “and they’ve got nothing to do with me. That’s your own responsibility. You can’t put it on other people.”
“You’re right. But lately things have gotten… complicated. Sometimes it seems like everything’s so fucked I’ll never get out from under.”
“What do you mean?”
He shook his head. She sensed him pulling back. Give him space, let him talk.
She sat back, lifted the mug, and sipped beer. It was thin, harsh. She frowned, put it down. Johnny Paycheck on the jukebox now, “Take This Job and Shove It.”
“They’re telling me I’m clear,” he said. “That it was all in policy.”
“That’s right.”
“They look at me differently now, though. You do, too.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Elwood came out to the house the other day.” He looked at her. “To talk to Lee-Anne, when I wasn’t there. She had nothing to tell him, but still… I mean, if it’s open and shut, it’s open and shut, right?”
“Maybe they want to make sure all the Ts are crossed. For your sake.”
“Or maybe it’s just that nigger woman stirring up trouble.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that word before.”
“Dammit, Sara, I just-”
“I have to go, Billy. Thanks for the beer.” She started to get up.
“I know you still care about me, Sara.” He looked at her. “Everything we’ve had between us. The other night, too. I know you get angry with me sometimes, but you’re still on my side, even though things didn’t work out. I know that. I can feel it.”
She squeezed out of the booth. “I have to go home. You should, too.”
“I think I’m going to stay here a little bit. Drink some of this beer. Enjoy the change of scenery. At least out here I don’t have to worry about anyone spying on me, do I?”
“Good night, Billy.”
“Good night, Sara. I don’t blame you. I really don’t.”
She turned her back on him, headed toward the door.
Midnight, the house dark except for the kitchen light. She sat in the living room in sweats and sneakers, running it all through her head. The conversation with Billy. The missing Taurus. The gray Toyota that had followed her. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just you.
Headlights came through the blinds, crawled across the walls, and were gone. She went to the window, pushed the blinds aside, looked out. It had rained earlier, and now there was mist in the air, a hazy halo around the streetlamps. She saw taillights at the end of the street, turning right and then disappearing.
She went down the hall, checked on Danny. He lay still under the covers. She stood in the doorway for a moment, until she could hear his soft snores.
Another set of headlights swept across the living room, this time from the opposite direction. They seemed to slow for a moment, hang motionless on one wall, and then move on. By the time she got to the window, they were gone.
She got her hooded sweatshirt from the hall closet, pulled it on. The only sound in the house was the ticking of the kitchen clock. In the bedroom, she took the Glock from the lockbox and slipped it into the front pocket of the hoodie, the weight of it hanging heavy.
She went out the back door, down the two short steps, and into the sideyard. The air was thick and damp. She started toward the front of the house, stopped to listen. Nothing except the sound of a TV from the upper window of the house next door.
Headlights again, to her right, slower this time. They pulled up a block away on the opposite side of the street, then winked out. She could hear the low thrum of an idling engine.
She slipped the Glock out, staying close to the wall. At the corner of the house, she stopped. Through the mist she could see only a dim bulk across the street, yards from the nearest streetlight. She wished she’d brought her shield. She’d walk over, gun up, badge whoever it was, be done with it.
Moisture dripped from the gutter above her. She waited, watching. She thought of Danny inside.
Fuck it. Badge or no.
She left the cover of the house and started down the lawn, the Glock in a two-handed grip, pointed at the ground. She heard the crunching of gears, the sound of wet tires.
“Police! Don’t move!” she yelled, the Glock coming up even before she reached the sidewalk. “Turn that vehicle off.”
It pulled hard away from the curb before she reached the street, lights still off, tires squealing. She saw only a blur in the mist as it went past. It reached the end of the street, turned right at the stop sign without slowing. As it did, it passed through the lightwash of a streetlamp. Black pickup, mud flaps. Billy’s truck.
She lowered the Glock and walked back to the house through the mist.