“Forgive me Father, for you have sinned.”
A light rain began to fall, drenching what remained of his mother’s torn photo. She’d always wanted him to be a priest. As his eyes rolled back into his head, he muttered,
“Top of the world, Ma.”
A headstone is but a slab of granite lashed by an indiff erent wind.
Things were looking up. Late October had brought a week of Indian summer. Be it global warming, the world going to hell?
Who cared?
We grabbed it while it lasted.
Eyre Square, people lying out in the sunshine. Ice cream vendors peddling slush at five euros a pop. The country had, on a second referendum, said yes to the Lisbon Treaty. We took that for what it was,
….a brief stay from Death Row.
I was coming off the worst case of my bedraggled career. Literally, a brush with the devil. I muttered,
“Darkness visible.”
Had sworn,
“Never, never going down that dark path again.”
Whatever it was, the occult, devilment,
Xanax, delusion, it had shaken me to the core. I still kept the lights on in the wee hours. In my apartment in, get this, Nun’s Island.
Who said God had no sense of the ridiculous?
To add bemusement to bafflement, I met a woman. After the devil, I’d gone to London on one of those late deal Internet offers. Met Laura. An American, aged forty-two, and, to me, gorgeous.
She made my heart skip a beat. She was a writer of crime fiction. At my most cynical, I thought I was simply material for her next book. A broken-down Irish PI, with a limp and a hearing aid.
Yeah, that would fly.
Did I care?
Did I fuck?
She liked me.
I grabbed that like the last beads of the rosary. She had rented a house in Notting Hill and was due to come and stay with me for a week. But hedging our collective bets, we went to Paris for five days, see if there was any real substance in what we thought we had. February in that wondrous city. Should have been cold and bitter.
Nope.
Such Gods there are gave us the Moveable Feast. Glorious freak spring weather. We had a lovely hotel close to the Irish Institute and were but a Bonjour from the Luxembourg Gardens, where we spent most of our time. I was nervous as a cat, so long since I’d been in a bed with a woman, a woman I hadn’t paid for, that is. My scarred body, I dreaded she would be repulsed by it. The opposite, she seemed to embrace my hurt and pain. Whispered as she ran her fingers along one lengthy scar,
“No more beatings Jack, OK?”
Worked for me.
In Hemingway’s beautiful memoir, pastiche, he writes of the miraculous time he and Hadley had and how they felt it would last forever. And… wood was all around them and he never touched it for luck. I said that to Laura, she answered,
“You touched my heart, that’s all the luck we need.”
Would it were so.
Sweet Jesus.
I’d sworn that despite Paris and their customs, you’d never catch me eating food in the park, I’d never be that uninhibited to grab a French roll and eat it as I lay on the grass. I did, loved it, a bottle of Nuits- Saint-Georges, the French amazing sandwiches, wedges of cheese, the almost warm sunshine, and Laura. Jesus, it was heaven. I even rolled up my shirtsleeves. Made her laugh out loud, she said,
“My God, you heathen you.”
Like that.
We did all the tourist crap and relished it. Got our photograph taken on Boulevard Saint Michel. I carry the photo in my wallet and never, never now look at it. I can’t. But it’s there, like the blessing I once believed I’d be granted. Went to the Louvre and again made her laugh when I said the Mona Lisa was little more than a postage stamp.
In Montmartre on the second-to-last day of our holiday, drinking cafe au lait in the early morning bistros, she reached across the table, took my hand for reasons not at all, said,
“You make me happy.”
Jesus, mon Dieu, me, to make anyone happy. I was fit to burst. Our last evening, in a restaurant on the Left Bank, she literally fed me escargots and I thought,
“Fuck, if they could see me in Galway now.”
And then her idea:
“Jack, if my next book deal comes through, would you consider living here for six months?”
Was she kidding? I’d have just stayed there then.
In bed that night, after a slow lingering lovemaking, we were entwined in each other and she asked,
“Are you content to be with me Jack?”
I told the truth,
“More than my bedraggled heart could ever have imagined.” After I got home and we were arranging for Laura to come to Galway, I went to the church, lit a candle, pleaded,
“I’ve never asked for much, but if it doesn’t screw with some inflexible Divine plan, could I please have this woman with me, could Paris be, indeed, A Moveable Feast?”
And, I don’t know, the candle flickered, went out.
An omen?