You know,” Lucy said, craning her neck to get a better view, “I don't think we need to bother trying to go see a volcano. The most impressive rock formation in Hawaii is right here in front of us.”
“It's not bad, is it?” Kathleen said, moving her hand so the diamond caught the light and released its hidden rainbow of hues. “A little heavy on the finger-”
“Are you complaining?” Lucy said. “Because if it's too heavy for you, darling, I could be persuaded to carry it around a while.”
“Just don't expect to ever get it back, Kath,” Sari said. She tilted her face up to the sunlight. “Man, this is the life, isn't it?” They were sitting on beach chairs on the sand, the ocean booming and crashing just feet from their toes, the sun warm, the breeze soft, and the sky an intense turquoise blue. They wore bikinis and sarongs and were covered with sunscreen, floppy hats, and sunglasses.
Lucy sighed with pleasure and dug her toes into the sun-hot sand. “Kathleen, you are no idiot.”
“That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.”
“I can't believe Kevin actually owns this place,” Lucy said. “It's beautiful. It's beyond beautiful. It's what Eden would have been like if it hadn't been a garden, and I’ll take the ocean over some dumb flowers anyday. If you don't marry Kevin, I will.”
“I never knew you were so materialistic,” Kathleen said.
“I don't think it's materialistic to want this,” Lucy said. “The beach and all. I’m just appreciating nature.”
“A minute ago, you were appreciating her diamond,” Sari said. “Any more appreciation from you, and Kathleen better start looking over her shoulder. Especially now that you're back on the market.”
“I’m off the market again,” Lucy said. She lifted up her chin to let the breeze cool off her neck.
“You and James make up?” Kathleen said.
“No,” Lucy said.
Sari said, “She even destroyed the sweater.”
“She destroyed the sweater?” Kathleen said. “No one told me that.”
“I had to,” Lucy said. “It was a symbolic gesture.”
“I told you,” Kathleen said. “I told you not to knit a sweater for a boyfriend.”
“And I told you not to knit a bikini in hot pink.”
“Hey,” Kathleen said, flinging out her arms and posing like a catalogue model. “I think it looks pretty fucking fabulous on me.”
“I dare you to go in the water with it.”
“No way. As you just pointed out, I’m no idiot.” Kathleen relaxed back on the chair. “Anyway, the point is that I was right about the sweater.”
“Fine,” Lucy said. “You were right.”
“Which means you were wrong.”
“Whatever.”
“Say it. Say you were wrong. I just want to hear the words come out of your mouth. Have you ever admitted you were wrong? In your life?”
“Shut up.” Lucy kicked some sand in Kathleen's direction. “Don't you even want to know why I’m off the market again?”
“Of course,” Kathleen said. “What's going on?”
“I slept with David Lee last night,” Lucy said.
“With David Lee?” Kathleen repeated.
“My lab partner,” Lucy said. “The half-Jewish, half-Chinese guy you met at the walk.”
“I know who David Lee is,” Kathleen said. “That's why I’m confused.”
“Fuck you,” Lucy said. “I happen to like the way he looks.”
“Whoa, whoa,” Kathleen said. “I think he's adorable. I’m just having trouble processing it. Remember when you first started working together? You said he had a crush on you and you had to shut him down completely.”
“Things change,” Lucy said. “I changed.”
“I wasn't surprised,” Sari said. “I knew when he gave you that friggin’ cat that there was something going on between you two.”
“There wasn't, though,” Lucy said. “I was still with James then.”
“Maybe,” Sari said. “But the kitten definitely started something.”
“Yeah, I guess. It's weird, though.”
“What?” Kathleen said. She extended her right foot so she could admire her bright red toenail polish. She had gone out to get a manicure and pedicure that morning in preparation for the wedding and when she walked back in the house afterward, Lucy and Sari were there waiting for her. She was so surprised, she had screamed. Then they all screamed and hugged one another while Kevin beamed. “What's weird?”
“That someone can be right there and you don't think of him in any special way. And then suddenly you do think of him that way and it makes sense. Has that ever happened to either of you?”
“Does sixth grade count?” Sari asked. “Because I remember suddenly noticing Fidel Mateo in sixth grade, and we'd been in school together since kindergarten.”
“Before my time,” Lucy said. “So what happened with Fidel?”
“Coco Kronenberg was a big fat slut who stuffed her bra. That's what happened.” “His loss,” Lucy said.
Kathleen said suddenly, “Let's go to a hotel bar and get royally drunk. It's the night before my wedding, girls. I need to get wrecked.”
“What about Kevin?” Sari said.
Kathleen stood up. “He can stay home.” She picked up her beach chair and folded it. “Starting tomorrow, I’ll be stuck with him every night for the rest of my life.”
“That's so romantic,” Lucy said. “I may cry.”
Three hours and nine daiquiris later, they had achieved in triplicate Kathleen's goal of getting wrecked.
They had found the perfect hotel bar, one that was completely open to the beach so they could watch the sun set while they drank their first round of freezing-cold strawberry daiquiris. Then there were greasy appetizers and more strawberry daiquiris-tonight even Lucy was eating and drinking-while they watched the hotel staff blow conch shells and race around lighting gas torches all over the property in some ancient Polynesian torch-lighting ritual. Then there were hula dancers and more daiquiris.
They laughed and talked for hours, all three of them with their hair rough and wavy from thè salty ocean wind, their faces glowing from the sun they'd soaked in that afternoon and from the torchlight that fell on them now. They were dressed similarly in sleeveless cotton summer dresses and their bare legs were smooth above flat jeweled sandals. It was no wonder various guys all night long tried sending them drinks and stopping by their table. They took the drinks, sent back the men, and every one of them knew that this was one of those nights you remember forever, when the drinks are as cold and sweet as a childhood Popsicle but leave you reeling from a bitter punch that makes you glad you're an adult.
“So tell us about Kevin,” Sari said to Kathleen when the night sky was dark everywhere except where the torches fought back. “Tell us what you love about him, why you want to marry him. So if we ever meet the right guy, we'll know it's him.”
“I may have met him already,” Lucy said.
“All the more reason for you to shut up and listen.”
Kathleen took the tiny umbrella out of her drink and held it open above her head. “Look, it's raining,” she said, which seemed to strike her as incredibly funny.
“Come on,” Sari said, with the determination of the seriously drunk. “I want to know. Why do you love Kevin?”
“I don't,” Kathleen said. Then she said, “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Of course I do. He's nice, don't you think? Have you ever met anyone nicer? Look how he flew you guys here just to surprise me. How nice was that?”
“He even paid for our tickets,” Lucy said. She let her head flop back against her chair. “He's a prince.”
“He's the prince,” Kathleen said. “Prince Charming.”
“Was he mad you wanted to go out alone with us tonight?” Lucy said.
“Of course not,” Kathleen said. She twirled the toothpick part of the umbrella between the palms of her hand, and the brightly colored paper spun until the colors all merged. “He doesn't get mad. Kevin doesn't get mad, he doesn't get upset, he doesn't get excited, he doesn't get anything.”
“Except laid, I hope,” Sari said.
“Not if he doesn't get aroused,” said Lucy and they all laughed wildly at that-so wildly that a couple talking at a nearby table gave them annoyed looks.
“But you love him, right?” Sari said.
“Of course,” Kathleen said. “I love my Prince Charming. Would it matter, though, if I didn't? People get married all the time without being in love. Don't they?”
“I wouldn't want to,” Sari said.
“Doesn't matter,” Kathleen said. “Because we do. Love each other. He really really loves me. And I kind of really love him,” There was a beat. Then, “Did I tell you he wants to start a family?”
“Like right away?” Sari said.
“He says he can't wait to have kids.”
“Did you tell him you hate kids?” Lucy asked, raising her head.
“Of course not.”
“So you lied to him? Way to start a marriage, Kathleen.”
“It wasn't a lie.” She opened and shut the little umbrella rapidly. “Maybe I don't hate kids as much as I think I do. I could probably learn to like my own, don't you think?”
Before either girl could answer, a guy came up to their table. He was slightly younger than they were and a little on the plump side, but not bad-looking. He was wearing a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt over jeans. “Hey, guys,” he said with a nervous laugh. “My friends and I have been sitting over there-” He pointed to another table and three guys there raised their hands in greeting. The girls waved back. “-and we were wondering what you girls might be up to for the rest of the evening and whether you'd like some company.”
“That's so sweet,” Kathleen said. “Do you have a car with you?”
“Sure do.”
“Terrific!” she said. “Our house is a little ways down the beach. You want to take us home?”
“Are you kidding?” he said. “That's like so… Wait-just let me go tell the guys. Don't go anywhere.” He dashed off.
“What are you doing, Kath?” Sari said. “Inviting four men back to Kevin's house? The night before your wedding? Are you insane?”
“It's easier than calling a cab,” Kathleen said.
“No, it's not. All a cab driver expects is money.”
“Well, these guys won't get even that.”
“So we're going back to the house now?” Lucy said, confused. “To sleep?”
“No.” Kathleen tossed the umbrella on the table and gathered up her purse as the men eagerly approached them. “To knit and talk.”
They all packed into the guys’ small Volkswagen convertible- three of them in front, four in the back. The girls were sitting on top of their hosts, who didn't seem to mind it at all. “Excuse me,” Lucy told one of them. “My ass seems to be inserting itself into your hand. One of us should probably be doing something to fix that situation.” The guy turned red and adjusted his hands accordingly.
When the driver-the guy who had come up to them at the restaurant and whose name, they had since learned, was Sanjesh-pulled up to the house, he gave a low whistle of appreciation. “This is yours? Sweet!”
“Well, not ours exactly,” Lucy said. She opened the door and basically fell out of the car, then stumbled into an upright position. Kathleen and Sari also slipped out quickly. “It belongs to Kathleen's fiancé.”
“Who's Kathleen?”
“She is,” Sari said, pointing.
“Oh, man,” said Sanjesh. He had turned the car off, and he and his friends were all getting out. “You didn't tell us you were engaged.”
“Sorry,” Kathleen said. “I guess I forgot. Thanks for the ride, boys. Don't feel you need to walk us to the door. We can find our way.” She and the other girls moved forward.
Sanjesh froze. “Aren't you going to invite us in?”
Kathleen considered briefly. Then she shook her head. “Nope.”
She, Sari, and Lucy scurried up to the door and threw themselves inside, slamming the door shut behind them. They burst into incontrollable giggles.
“Hey!” A door opened on the floor above and they all tilted their heads to see up the stairway to the landing, where Kevin appeared in a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. “There you are,” he said. “Welcome back. Do you need me to take care of the cab driver?” He came down the rest of the stairs.
“No cab,” Kathleen said. “Some nice young men gave us a lift.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
“I’m guessing you're not angry,” she said and collapsed into fresh giggles.
“You guys got a little drunk, huh?” he said.
“What makes you say that?” Lucy asked, with a snort of laughter.
“Just a lucky guess. How ‘bout we all go to bed now? Get a good night's sleep, wake up all bright and cheerful for our wedding day? Our wedding day.” He shook his head. “It still sounds unreal.”
“You go to bed,” Kathleen said. “I want to stay up with the girls. We're going to knit.”
“You want to knit right now?” he said. “It's past one.”
“That's what all brides do on their wedding nights,” Sari said. “They knit. It's kind of an old tradition.”
“Only the men aren't supposed to know about it,” Lucy said. “That's why you've probably never heard about it before.”
“Really,” said Kevin, with a broad grin that meant he knew he was being made fun of and was prepared to be a good sport about it. “Well, don't let me stand in your way. Just do me a favor and don't drink any more tonight, will you? You're all starting to scare me.”
“He says we're scaring him,” Kathleen said to the girls. “And yet he doesn't seem scared, does he? Or nervous, or anything? That's my guy!”
“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Kevin said. “Which must mean it's past my bedtime. Good night, girls.” He started back up the stairs.
“Oops,” said Kathleen. “My knitting's in the bedroom. Let me just grab it and I’ll meet you guys back in your room.” She joined him oh the stairs.
Sari and Lucy stumbled their way across the house to the room they were sharing. It was a huge guest bedroom suite, with a king-size bed, a marble-floored bathroom, and a lanai that, because the house was built on a cliff, had a stunning view of the ocean.
Sari closed the door behind them and turned to Lucy. “We have to stop this wedding,” she said.
“You're drunk,” Lucy said. “Me, too.” She collapsed down on the bed.
“I know,” Sari said. “But I mean it. She doesn't love him.”
“Big deal.” Lucy rolled onto her back and closed her eyes.
“She can't get married-it would be a huge mistake.”
“Maybe yes, maybe no,” Lucy said sleepily.
“Will you please take this seriously?”
“Fine.” Lucy sat up and leaned back against the headboard. Sari sat down on an upholstered chair facing her. “Even if it is a mistake,” Lucy said, “what difference does it make in the long run? They'll just get divorced. No big deal. Maybe she'll even get some money out of it.”
“It's depressing to get divorced,” Sari said. “I see divorced people all the time, and it's like this emotional tattoo you can't ever get rid of. And if she takes his money, then she becomes the kind of girl who marries rich guys and takes their money and I don't want Kathleen to become that.”
“Why don't you think she loves him? She said she did. And he's a nice guy.”
“He's nice enough. But there's no spark. He's…” She groped. “He's spark-less. Kathleen sparkles and he's spark-less. That's a huge difference.”
“Just one s,” Lucy said.
“Please, Lucy, help me. We have to try at least, or we'll never forgive ourselves.”
“We can't,” Lucy said.
“Sure, we can. I mean, she listens to us-”
“No, I mean, we could maybe change Kathleen's mind, but it would be wrong. The guy bought us plane tickets to Hawaii, Sari. He put us up at his house. We'd be repaying him by ruining his life. That's fucked up. As am I, by the way.”
“No, wait-I have an argument to that.”
“What?”
“Shit, I forgot it.” Sari banged her hand on the side of the chair. “Oh, no, there it is again. I knew I had one. Kevin's better off losing Kathleen now, before he's committed his whole heart and bank account to a marriage that won't work. We're doing him a favor.”
“It doesn't feel like we're doing him a favor.”
“Well, we are. And we'll know it even if he doesn't.” There were footsteps outside their door. “Quick,” Sari said. “Get your knitting out!” They both pounced on their knitting bags, pulled out their work, dived into chairs, and propped fake smiles on their faces.
Kathleen opened the door. “Hey,” she said. “Room for one more?”
“Pull up a bed,” Sari said.
Kathleen kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed, where she hiked her dress up above her thighs so she could sit cross-legged. She pulled out her knitting. “Kevin wanted to have sex,” she said, as she detangled the yarns and straightened out the work she'd done.
“Did you?” Lucy asked.
“How fast do you think I can do it? No, I told him I’d rather hang out with you guys. We have years of matrimonial screwing ahead of us, right?”
“Right,” Sari said with a meaningful glance at Lucy. “Years and years with the same guy every night. Just the one guy forever more.”
“No one else,” Lucy said. “Ever.”
“I hope it's the best sex of your life, with Kevin,” Sari said. “Because it's him and only him from now on.”
“What are you trying to do?” Kathleen said with a little laugh. “Scare me shitless?”
“We just want to make sure you know what you're getting into,” Sari said. “That you're going into this with your eyes open.”
“I know what I’m doing.”
“So you think the sex is better with him than it could ever be with anyone else?”
There was a pause. Then Kathleen said, “That's a stupid question, Sari. It's un-unanswerable.” She stumbled over the last word, but got it out.
“Think about this then,” Sari said. “Is there any guy out there right now-anyone-who, if Kevin were out of the picture, you'd want to sleep with?”
“Is there any guy out there she doesn't want to sleep with?” Lucy said and dissolved into high-pitched giggles that rapidly turned into snorts and then hiccups.
“How much did she have to drink?” Kathleen asked Sari.
“same as us.”
“Man, then we must be totally wasted.”
“You haven't answered my question,” Sari said.
Kathleen knitted in silence for a moment. Then, looking up, she said slowly, “If the question is, is there another guy out there who-” She stopped.
“Who what?” said Sari, when several seconds had gone by and Kathleen still hadn't finished her sentence.
“Oh, what difference does it make?” Kathleen said. She went back to knitting, stabbing the needles at each other with a sudden wild energy. “It's all just what maybe could be or might be but isn't and I have Kevin now and he loves me and he gave me this ring and this is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been in and even the twins don't own a beach house in Hawaii and why are you doing this to me, Sari? Why won't you let me enjoy it? Are you jealous? Is that what this is about?”“Yeah,” said Sari. “I’m jealous. That's what this is about.”
Kathleen looked up then and their eyes met. “I’m sorry,” Kathleen said. “That was a stupid thing to say. But why are you making this so hard on me? The decision's been made, Sari. I’m wearing the guy's engagement ring, in case you hadn't noticed.”
“It's a surprise wedding,” Sari said. “No one else knows you're even engaged. So why not wait? If you and Kevin really love each other, you can get married a year from now and-”
“If I don't marry Kevin tomorrow, we won't last another week,” Kathleen said.
There was a pause. Then Lucy said, “”Well, then, why-”
“Because of me,” Kathleen said. She let her knitting drop from her fingers and curled herself up into a ball. “Because of the way I am. I’m always getting bored with guys-you two know that better than anyone. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not having someone steady and I’m sick of not having anything I really like to do and I’m sick of not knowing what I want my life to be.”
There was another pause. Then Lucy said, “You like to knit.”
“Yeah,” Kathleen said with a sigh. “I like to knit. Maybe that'll keep me busy when I’m old and all alone.”
“You won't be alone when you're old,” Sari said. “You'll have us.”
“You guys will have husbands and kids. And cute little grandchildren.”
“Our husbands will die and our kids will ignore us,” Sari said. “We'll need you as much as you'll need us.”
“I don't think so.”
“Still,” Sari said, “you shouldn't marry a guy because you're scared.”
“Fuck you,” Kathleen said. “Why the fuck do you have to be so fucking right all the time?” No one said anything for a moment. Then she flung her hand out. “Fine, Sari, you win. No wedding. But you guys have to be with me when I tell him.”
“Does this mean you have to give the ring back?” Lucy said.
They slept together in the king-size bed that night, all three of them. They left the doors to the lanai open and ocean breezes sent them all spinning into a strange, dreamy doze, until the alcohol wore off in the middle of the night and they woke up in turns, wildly thirsty and needing to pee.
At one of her more-awake-than-asleep moments, Kathleen stumbled into the bathroom and slurped water greedily straight from the faucet. When she came back, Sari whispered hoarsely, “You okay?”
“Yeah.” She crawled into bed next to Sari. “Except I feel like whatever I do tomorrow, I’m going to be making a big mistake.”
“That means that whatever you do, you're saving yourself from a big mistake,” Sari said. “Look at it that way.”
“That helps,” Kathleen said. She snuggled close and eventually they fell back to sleep.
The girls were subdued in the morning, not talking much as they showered and got dressed-not in sarongs and bikinis this time, but in their regular jeans and tank tops.
“Oh, shit,” Lucy said, picking up the knitting she'd left on the chair the night before. “Oh, shit!” She held it up for the others to see. A bunch of stitches had fallen off the circular needles and one stitch had pulled out in a run that went hallway down the whole thing. “I can't believe it,” she said. “I’m going to have to start all over again.”
Sari exclaimed in sympathy, but when she went to pick up her own knitting, she realized she had her own problems. “Oh, man, look at this. I forgot to switch colors. Now the red part's twice as wide as it's supposed to be. I’m going to have to rip out everything I did last night.”
“And mine's all tangled,” Kathleen said, shoving it into her knitting bag. “I’ll deal with it later. But clearly it's a mistake to knit when you're drunk.”
“They should warn people about this,” Sari said. “Maybe even make it a law-don't drink and knit.” She looked at Kathleen.
“How are you doing this morning?”
“A little hungover.”
“Any change of heart?”
Kathleen shook her head. “No. You're right. I shouldn't get married.”
“Is there someone else?”
“Not really. Maybe. But it's not that. It's-” She fingered a shell on the desk; Lucy had brought it back from the beach the day before. It was bone-white and smooth. “I like Kevin. But I don't really want to spend the rest of my life with him. I get bored whenever we're alone together for more than an hour or two.” She looked up. “I was drunk when I said yes. And I thought if I pretty much stayed drunk from then until the wedding, I’d get through it and then it would just be done and once it was done, I’d just, you know… kind of go with it.”
“Someday you'll meet a guy you won't have to get drunk to marry,” Lucy said.
“Or not,” Kathleen said.
“Or not,” Sari said. “Either way, you're right not to do this.”
They all went into the kitchen together. Kevin was already sitting at the table, drinking coffee and leafing through a newspaper. He looked up with a pleasant smile. “There you are! I figured you all fell asleep in a great big heap last night, like a litter of puppies.”
“Yeah, basically,” Sari said with a quick sideways glance at Kathleen, who was hesitating, biting her lip. It was strange to see Kathleen look so unsure of herself.
Kevin didn't seem to notice, though. “I made coffee, if anyone wants some. From Kona beans-the best there is. Help yourselves.”
“Thanks,” said Lucy and went to pour herself a cup.
Sari stayed right at Kathleen's elbow.
Kevin turned the page, smoothed the paper out in front of him and said to Kathleen, “So, ready to go get married?”
“No,” Kathleen said.
“I know.” He was still smiling. “I’m nervous, too.”
“It's not that,” she said. She reached for Sari's hand and squeezed it painfully tight as she went on. “I’m not ready to get married, Kevin. I’m sorry. We talked a lot last night and I realized I’m just not ready for this.”
“Oh,” he said. He looked disappointed. “I know I was kind of rushing things. It just seemed so perfect doing it here.” He brightened. “But maybe it does make more sense to wait a little while.”
Kathleen was silent.
“Right?” he said. “We can go back home, enjoy being engaged, make some long-term plans… Actually, I was a little worried about my family's reaction-you know, not being included and all. Maybe it's better this way. We can do the whole big wedding thing in the spring and make my mother happy.”
Kathleen let go of Sari's hand and tugged the engagement ring off her finger. “That's not what I meant.” She stepped toward him and held the ring out. “I want you to take this back.”
“What are you talking about?” He stared at the ring like he didn't know what it was or what he was supposed to do with it.
“You're a nice guy,” Kathleen said. “The nicest. And this is a record for me. I don't last long with guys. You can ask the girls-” She gestured at Lucy and Sari with her free hand. “This has been one of the longest relationships I’ve ever had.”
“It has,” Lucy said, over the rim of her coffee cup. “Really.”
“See?” Kathleen said. “So that proves, you know, that you're special. And wonderful. But it's still… I mean… I can't-” She took a deep breath. “Time's up, I guess. That's all.”
“Ah,” he said. “Time's up.” He still hadn't moved.
Sari nudged Lucy on the arm and gestured with her head toward the door. “Excuse us,” she said and pulled Lucy out of the kitchen, leaving the other two frozen in position behind them, Kathleen holding the ring toward Kevin and Kevin sitting there, not taking it.
“She said she wanted us to stay with her,” Lucy said when they were out of earshot. She set her mug down on a side table they were passing. “Why are we leaving?”
“Because Kevin deserves some privacy right now. He doesn't need us rubbernecking while his hopes are being crushed.”
“Oh, sure,” Lucy said. “Now you're all concerned about him.
But last night, when I was the one defending him-”
“We did the right thing. But that doesn't mean we get to watch. Come on-” Sari led her toward the back of the house. “Let's go say goodbye to the beach.”
“If you hadn't talked her out of marrying him, all this could have been ours,” Lucy said as they stepped out onto the deck and looked around. It was a perfectly glorious morning. But then it was probably always a perfectly glorious morning there.
“You're assuming we'd have been invited.”
“Well, for sure we won't now,” Lucy said. “How much do you think he hates us?”
“Kevin?” Sari said. “I don't think he's the hating type.”
“I was right all along. I said he was too nice for Kathleen.”
“That's sort of true. But nice isn't everything, Luce. I mean, you don't want a guy to be mean, but you do want him to be-”
“What?”
“Something more than just nice,” Sari said and turned her back on the ocean.
They made a pretty sober group on the flight back. For once, no one felt much like talking. Sari had brought her laptop, so she worked. Lucy watched the movie and knit-her circular needles were plastic, so the airline allowed them onboard. Sari and Kathleen had brought metal needles, which they'd had to check.
Kathleen put her seat back as far as it would go and closed her eyes-either she was asleep or just thinking, and, either way, the others felt they should leave her in peace.
Lucy was the only one with a car at the airport, so she drove the other two home. They dropped off Kathleen first. Kathleen pulled her suitcase out of the trunk and turned to face her friends, who had gotten out of the car to say goodbye.
“You okay?” Lucy said.
“I’m fine.”
“You want us to come in for a while?” Sari asked.
“Nah,” Kathleen said. “I’m really okay. And-no offense, guys-but we've had a lot of togetherness lately.”
“She's breaking up with us now,” Lucy said to Sari. “We've created a monster.” They all hugged and said goodbye and then Lucy drove Sari home.
The next day, Sari was back at work, where the usual craziness made her feel within minutes like she'd never been away, never sat on a beach or relaxed in her life.
Late in the morning, she walked a mother and son to the front door of the clinic and said goodbye to them. As she walked back into the building, she heard shrieking coming from the hallway. New kids always screamed a lot until they got the idea that there were better ways of communicating, and everyone who worked at the clinic learned to tune out the noise. But the kid let out a particularly loud scream, impossible to ignore, so Sari grinned at Shayda, who was working at the front desk.
“Wow. Good lungs on that one.”
Shayda looked up from the textbook she was highlighting. “You should know. It's Zachary Smith.”
“You're kidding.” Sari could feel the smile freeze on her face. “That's weird-he had pretty much stopped tantruming weeks ago.”
“Maybe with you… But Christopher said the kid's had a tough time accepting the switch in therapists.”
“Oh,” Sari said.
Shayda snapped the cap back on her highlighter. “Christopher's thinking maybe they should start taking him in another entrance or do something else to break the routine, so he'll stop expecting to find you here when he comes. But I don't know-I think maybe it's good for Zack to learn to accept change. He'll come around.”
“Yeah,” Sari said, but now that she knew it was Zack and he was crying for her, the shrieks she had barely noticed a minute ago tore at her heart.
Or maybe it was the guilt.
She wanted to run back to see Zack, to give him a hug and let him know that she still loved him. But she knew she couldn't do that-it would only make him think that screaming for her worked, and next time he would scream even louder and longer and be even more crushed if she didn't come. And Christopher would kill her.
She couldn't go back there, but it hurt not to.
She sighed and looked down at the file she was holding, for the family she had just seen. She had work to do. She plucked a pen off of the desk and sat down in one of the chairs in the waiting area to jot down some notes on the session. The screams got louder and sounded more like sobbing. She gritted her teeth and tried to concentrate on the papers in front of her.
She heard someone enter the room. Shayda said, “Rough in there?”
“He was clinging to me, and Christopher thought it would be better if I left.” Jason Smith's voice. Sari looked up at the sound, and he spotted her. “Well,” he said. “So you do still work here.”
“Hi.” She managed a casual smile. “How's Zack doing?”
“Can't you hear for yourself?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Sounds like he's having a bad day. It happens with all the kids from time to time.”
He came over to where she was sitting. Shayda was watching them from the desk, her eyes round with curiosity-she probably knew that Sari had asked to be taken off the family, had probably already speculated with the others about why.
“He never had a problem before.” Jason was standing right over Sari now, looking down at her. “Or have you already forgotten what he's like? He's crying because you're not there, Sari. He's done it every session since you dropped him. He goes into the room and he looks around for you and he even says your name sometimes-did you know he could say your name? Because I didn't-and then he starts screaming for you.”
She stared down at the file in front of her, not seeing it. “Kids get used to certain routines-”
“That's bullshit,” Jason said. “It's bullshit and you know it. He thought you were his friend and then one day you just disappeared and you never even said goodbye to him.”
Sari darted a look at Shayda, whose mouth had fallen wide open. “I know it happened fast, but I just thought-”
“I don't care what you thought. And right now I don't even care that you jerked me around and dropped me flat and made me feel like an idiot for ever-” He waved his hand with an angry noise of dismissal. “But to stop working with Zack, with no reason or explanation-man, that was cold. You're supposed to want to help kids, not break their hearts. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“You don't understand,” she said. “I couldn't do it. Not anymore.”
“Why not?”
She just shrugged and wouldn't look at him.
He squatted down so his face, his eyes, were at her level. “Was it because of me? I asked you if it was okay-everything I did, every time I-” He banged his fist against the side of the sofa-not near her, but it made her jump anyway. “Do you think I would have done anything that might end up hurting Zack? Or you, for that matter? What do you think I am?”
“It wasn't because of that.” Sari wished Shayda wasn't watching. They were speaking in low voices, but Shayda could probably still hear a lot. “You don't understand-”
“I know I don't understand!” he said, his voice rising. “That's my whole point. I don't understand. Why would someone like you want to hurt a kid?”
“I don't know!” Sari said with a rush of anger that was a relief, since it blew away the guilt. “You tell me! Why did you want to?”
“Excuse me?” he said.
“No,” she said. “I won't.”
He rocked back onto his ankles. “What are you talking about?”
She leaned forward. “Why did you torture my brother on a daily basis? Why did you and your friends make fun of him and shove him around and make him scared to go to his own school? Why did you have to make me ashamed of him-of my own brother, who never did anything to hurt me-until I couldn't even stand the sight of him?” Her voice broke on the last word, so she stopped, but she fought the tears and glared at him.
“Your brother?” he repeated.
“My brother. Charlie. I’ve told you about him. He has autism, just like Zack. And just like Zack, he could have had a shot at a better life, only unlike Zack he didn't get it. Instead, he got to be treated like shit, called a retard, have his lunch stolen and his pants pulled down in public. All thanks to you and your friends.”
“Me? What are you talking about? I never did anything like that.”
“Oh, please!” She curled her hands into fists on her knees, almost giddy with the relief of being the one on the attack now. She didn't even care if Shayda heard them. “I remember you, Jason. You, strutting around in your team uniforms, laughing with your friends, acting like you were hot shit because you could knock something out of the hands of a kid who couldn't even defend himself. And then I saw you again here, and I was supposed to help your kid. And I actually tried to. I tried to help your kid because he deserved it even if you didn't, but I couldn't take it anymore. Charlie's got nothing in his life and your kid will be fine, and it's not fair. It's just not fair.”
“You're wrong,” Jason said. His face had softened, lost its anger-exchanged it for bewilderment. “You're wrong, Sari. I’m sorry if kids were mean to your brother, but it wasn't me. I saw stuff like that happening sometimes, but I wasn't the one doing it.”
“Right,” Sari said. Her fingernails were digging into her palms, but the pain felt good. “It was always someone else. That's how people do things like that-they do it in a group and then no one takes the blame for it. There was always a bunch of you around whenever anything bad happened. I always got there too late to see who'd done it, too late to stop it-but you were there laughing at him. I saw you. I saw you there laughing at him. I can still see you laughing at him.”
He shook his head, but not in denial. More like he was trying to clear it. “Maybe I laughed. I don't know. If I did, God knows it wasn't because I actually thought anything like that was funny. But I was-” He shook his head again. “It was high school, Sari. It was scary and miserable and mean and you did what everyone else was doing because if you didn't they'd turn on you next. It was all about saving yourself.”
“You think that excuses it? I went to the same school, you know, and I didn't torture anyone.”
“Well, good for you.” He rose abruptly to his feet. “Good for you, Sari. You weren't mean at all to anyone back in high school.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at her.“No, you just waited another ten years or so before you decided to ruin an autsistic kid's life.”
“I’ve spent the last six years of my life helping these kids,” she said.
“Five minutes ago, my kid was screaming because they wouldn't let him see you,” Jason said. “I may have been a jerk in high school, but I know I never made your brother-or anyone else-scream like that.” And he turned on his heel, crossed the room, kicked open the front door to the clinic, and was gone.
There was silence.
After a moment, Shayda came over to where Sari sat, unmoving, on the sofa. “Do you need me to get Ellen or anything?” she asked.
Sari stared at her blankly. “Ellen?”
“Yeah. Is everything okay? I mean, what just happened here?”
“I’m not sure,” Sari said.
The last thing she wanted was to see Ellen or anyone else for that matter, but she still had several clients to see before the end of the day, so she couldn't just vanish. She was able to swear Shayda to secrecy, though, by telling her she'd been stupid enough to get a little bit involved with Zack's dad before realizing she needed to call it off and that he was kind of upset about the breakup. She made a big show of how she was too embarrassed to have anyone else at the clinic know how dumb she'd been.
“He's really good-looking,” Shayda said, clearly thrilled by the whiff of scandal. “I don't blame you.”
Sari didn't trust herself to reply to that, so she just reminded Shayda not to tell anyone and then excused herself.
Hey,” Kathleen said, early that evening, poking her head into the office in the back of Sam's apartment. “Can I talk to you?”
Sam was sitting at his desk. He jumped at the sound of her voice and turned. “Jesus. Don't sneak up on me like that.”
“I knocked at the kitchen for a while and you didn't answer, so I just came in.”
“I’ve got to remember to keep that door locked.”
“You want me to go?”
He got up from his desk with a sigh. “No, now that you're here, I might as well take a break.” He rubbed his eyes. “I’m supposed to stop every half hour, according to my ophthalmologist-if I stare at the computer too long, I get headaches. One of these days, she's going to admit that we're dealing with a malignant brain tumor.” He moved past her. “I could use a cup of tea. You?”
“Sure,” she said and followed him back into the kitchen.
He picked up the teakettle and carried it over to the sink. “Where have you been lately?” he said, as he ran the filtered water into it. “I haven't seen you around.”
“Hawaii. Why don't you use the insta-hot? It's faster.”
“Water that's actually boiling makes better tea.” He turned the faucet off. “What were you doing in Hawaii?”
She hesitated for a moment then said, “Breaking up with Kevin Porter.”
He set the kettle on the stove. “You picked a nice place to do it.” He turned on the burner, then moved to the cupboard and got out two cups and two saucers. He arranged them on the counter so the handles on the cups were facing in the exact same direction. “Darjeeling or Earl Grey?”
Kathleen waved her hand impatiently. “Do you really think I know the difference?”
He smiled and shook his head and plucked out two teabags from a jar on the counter.
“So,” Kathleen said, after another moment of silence, “it's ended. Me and Kevin Porter.”
“So you already said. And more grammatically. How did he take it?”
“He's fine, I think.” She hoped no one-especially not Sam-would ever find out that she had agreed to marry Kevin right before breaking up with him. Sari and Lucy knew, but they didn't count.
Sam gave her a hard look. “Are you saying that because you really think so, Kathleen, or because you don't want to feel guilty?”
She smiled sheepishly. “Both.”
The kettle whistled. Sam took a blue-and-white pot holder out of a drawer and carefully wrapped it around the teakettle's handle, then poured the water into the cups. Steam rose up in puffs around his hand. He had boiled exactly the right amount of water for two cups. “I’ve got to admit I’m surprised.” He put the kettle back on the stove and the pot holder back in its drawer before turning to her again. “Just a few weeks ago, you told me you were going to marry Kevin and live off his fortune for the rest of your life.”
“I never said I was definitely going to do that-I just said it was an interesting possibility.”
“One that you seemed very invested in pursuing. What happened?”
“Nothing happened.” She shifted, pressing the flat of her back against the counter. “I guess I just got bored.”
“What happened to the young woman with plans and forethought? The one who wasn't going to be like her mother and throw her life away on some loser? The budding philanthropist?”
“They got bored, too.”
“I see.” He dunked the two teabags, then got a clean mug out of the cupboard and deposited the used teabags inside. He put that mug in the sink. “Do you want milk or sugar?”
“Sugar. A lot.”
“Are you sure you wouldn't just prefer a tea-flavored cup of sugar?
“Are you offering?”
“Sit down, Kathleen.” She sat while he doctored the tea and then he joined her at the table and slid a cup and saucer across to her.
She picked up the cup and put it to her lips. “Fuck,” she said, dropping it down onto the saucer with a clatter. “It's really hot.” She put her fingers to her burned lip.
“Brilliant,” Sam said. “You watched me boil and pour the water with your own eyes, but you had to burn yourself to realize it was hot?”
“Whatever.”
“Try thinking before you do things, Kathleen. You'll get hurt a lot less.”
“But will I have as much fun?” And suddenly-crazily-she thought of leaning forward and kissing him. And immediately rejected the idea. Kiss Sam? Who was stern and disapproving and usually annoyed with her? The thought was both untenable and exciting-tempting the way the idea of setting off the fire alarm on a school corridor is tempting and not something you'd ever actually do.
Distracted by the thought, she took another sip of tea and immediately scorched her lips again, but this time suppressedthe curse that rose to her tongue, so Sam wouldn't know she had been stupid not once but twice.
Sam was stirring his tea slowly with a spoon. “You said you wanted to talk to me about something. Was it just to tell me about Kevin?”
She brought herself back to the conversation. “Sort of. It's connected. I wanted to let you know that I’m quitting my job. Since you helped me get it. It's not that I hate it or anything, but it's kind of not that exciting and-”
“And you've already used up and discarded the boss's son, so what's the point?”
“Shut up.”
He didn't. “Jackson has two more sons, you know. There's no reason to quit yet. They're married, of course, but I think you and I both know that marriages aren't necessarily permanent. You could even argue that the extra obstacle will make it a more exciting challenge, couldn't you?” She didn't answer, just glared at him, so he shrugged and went on, still stirring his tea. “Actually, I think you made a mistake going after Kevin in the first place, Kathleen. His brothers are bigger players than he'll ever be.”
“I didn't go after him. It wasn't like that.”
He stopped stirring and looked across the table at her, his eyes flat and unreadable. “Oh, please. You can tell anyone else that. But not me.”
She couldn't meet his look. “All right,” she said after a moment. “Maybe it was like that.” She poked, defeated, at the handle on her teacup.
He resumed his mocking tone. “So are you hoping I’ll find you another job? Because I’ll have to put some thought into it.” He placed the spoon carefully on the saucer, to the side of his teacup. “Do you care how handsome the son of the boss is at your next office? Or is it enough for him just to be roughly the right age? I can't promise Kevin-quality looks and broad shoulders every time, you know. Come to think of it, does it even have to be a son? Or could it be, say, a nephew? Or a daughter?”
“Sorry not to laugh,” Kathleen said, “but you're not actually being funny. I just thought you should know I was quitting, that's all. Since you got me the job. Which I am grateful for, whether you care or not.”
“You never took that job seriously.”
“Come on, Sam. I was pouring coffee and stapling papers most of the time. How seriously could anyone take that?”
“That's all you're qualified to do.” He took a careful sip of his tea and lowered the cup. “So what's the next job going to be?”
“I haven't decided yet. But I’m not going to rush into anything this time. I’m going to sit down and really think about what's right for me, how it's going to work out in the long run. Not just grab at the first thing that comes along.”
“You've really matured since I met you, Kathleen, you know that?”
“Shut up,” she said. She pushed her cup away. “I’m going to go watch TV.”
“Mine, I assume.”
“Well, I don't have one.”
“Can't you find somewhere else to watch?”
“Not without putting on shoes. I’ll be quiet, I promise.”
“All right,” he said. “But don't bother me. I have a lot of work to do.”
“I won't.” She stood and picked up her cup of tea.
“That doesn't leave this room.”
“I know. I was going to put it in the sink.”
“Bullshit,” he said. “You've never once cleaned up a dish around here.”
“You see?” she said. “I have grown. So there.” And she put her cup and saucer in the sink.
But she was lying. She had picked it up to take into the other room.
When Sari was almost done at work, she called Kathleen. I need a drink,” she said as soon as Kathleen answered. “I need to talk to you and have a very large drink and you need to tell me I’m not a horrible human being.”
“I can tell you right now that if you're a horrible human being, the rest of us are in deep shit,” Kathleen said. “You're the most decent person I know. But I like the drink idea.”
“Should I call Luce?”
“Of course.”
The bar was in Brentwood Village. Sari got there first and had their drinks already set up at a table by the time Kathleen walked in wearing a torn sweatshirt and no makeup, with her hair pulled back in a sloppy ponytail. “Is Lucy coming?” she asked as she slid into a chair and picked up her drink-vodka and cranberry juice, same as Sari's-with a nod of thanks.
Sari shook her head. “She's working late and then she's going to meet some friend of David's.”
“How dare she have a wonderful time with a wonderful guy instead of being miserable with us? Doesn't she know I just broke up with my fiancé? What kind of friend is she?”
“It is kind of a betrayal,” Sari said. “And what's up with her going straight from one great guy to another when I haven't even had a date in months? She's definitely getting more than her share.”
“Wouldn't it be nice if friends could always be in sync?” Kathleen said. “Like you could all be happily in love at the same time and then have your hearts broken at the same time? Then there wouldn't ever be availability issues or resentment or anything.”
“That never happens,” Sari said. “One person's always running around thinking that love totally rocks while the others are curled up in a fetal position listening to Alanis Morissette and sobbing.” She took a sip of her drink. Then another. “But when you think about it, maybe it's for the best. If everyone got depressed at exactly the same time, who'd be around to cheer you up and pull you out of it? You'd just sink deeper and deeper. It could get ugly.”
“That's so not how it works,” Kathleen said. “Misery loves company. The only way to cheer up is to feel like other people are even more miserable than you are-especially your closest friends.”
“Aw,” said Sari. “That's so sweet and generous of you. Remind me to avoid you whenever I’m happy.” “I was joking.”
“Doesn't matter,” Sari said. “I’ll never be happy again anyway.”
“You are in a funk,” Kathleen said. “Tell me about your day.”
And Sari did.
“First of all,” Kathleen said when Sari had finished, “you are so not the bad guy in this. You couldn't be cruel to a kid even if you tried, and Cute Asshole Guy is way out of line trying to lay a guilt trip on you. You know that, right?”Sari stared morosely at her drink, which was already depressingly close to empty. “I don't know. He has a point. I shouldn't have cut things off with the kid just because- I mean, I knew who Jason was from the beginning. If I had a problem with it, I shouldn't have started working with Zack in the first place.”
“You didn't know the guy would come on to you,” Kathleen said. “That changes everything. Anyway, even if the kid misses you and cries a little now and then, you haven't actually hurt him, have you? I’m sure you're the best therapist there and all, but I’ve got to assume there are other decent ones at the clinic-”
“Of course.”
“So there you go. The kid's totally fine. Jason Smith was just trying to make you feel bad. And I’m guessing he succeeded.” She tilted her forehead questioningly toward Sari, who smiled weakly. “Well, don't let him win. You're the best girl around, and who should know better than me?”
“No one,” Sari said. “I wish you'd been there to defend me. Or that I’d at least defended myself a little. I could have said-” She stopped. “I don't know what I could have said, but something. Instead, I just sat there like an idiot while he told me how mean I was to Zack and then let him leave thinking he'd won. I’ll be up all night torturing myself about it, thinking about all the things I should have said. It'll keep me up for weeks.”
“Yeah, but if you had said something, you'd probably be up all night wishing you'd said something completely different or even that you'd just kept quiet. These things never go the way you want them to.”
“Life doesn't go the way you want it to,” Sari said.
“And on that cheerful note, we drink,” said Kathleen. They clinked glasses.
With Zack coming to the clinic four days a week, it was inevitable that Sari would run into the Smiths again and she knew it. She thought a lot about what she might say if Jason accused her again of having been cruel to Zack but didn't like anything she came up with.
The truth was that she actually felt pretty guilty about abandoning Zack, which made it hard to come up with a good argument defending her right to have done so.
Every day at work, she worried about running into Jason and reopening all the old wounds, and every night she went to bed relieved it hadn't happened.
Mostly relieved. There was a tiny bit of disappointment mixed in there-whether she liked to admit it or not, there had been a thrill to seeing Jason and, with that gone, the days just felt like work again, tedious and monotonous and extremely unsexy.
And a sense of unfinished business hovered over her. She wanted to see Jason again-she needed to see him again, to set everything straight so they could be done with each other.
She wanted to see Jason again.
She turned a lot whenever she heard a man's voice at the clinic.
Her heart would start knocking hard against her chest for a second or two, and then she would realize that it wasn't Jason, was just some other guy who had no right to be standing there talking and not being Jason. And the disappointment and relief were just about equal.
One Thursday, a couple of weeks later, Ellen was out at a school IEP meeting, and Sari had gone into her office to try to find a clients folder that Ellen had sworn she'd left on the credenza in there. Sari's back was to the open door when she suddenly felt something hit her from behind-and there was Zack, throwing his arms around her leg and clutching it to his small chest as if he were drowning and her leg was the only flotation device he could find.
With a rush of delight, Sari bent over him, sniffing at the good sweet little boy smell of his hair and neck.
“Sari,” he said. “Hi, Sari.”
“It's good to see you,” she said and squeezed his shoulders hard. When she lifted her head, she saw Jason watching from just outside the open office door, his face tight and expressionless.
Still holding on to her leg, Zack looked back at his father. “Sari,” he said.
“Yeah,” his father said. “I remember.” He held out his hand to Zack. “Come on, pal. We have to go.”
Zack shook his head. “Sari.”
“She's busy,” his father said. “Too busy for us. Come on.”
“I’ve missed you, Zack,” Sari said. “How are you?”
“How are you?” he replied politely.
“No, say, ‘Good,’ Zack.”
“Even if he's not good?” Jason took a step forward, into the office. “That's the great thing about autistic kids, isn't it? They'll say what you tell them to, even if it's not true. Why don't you teach him to say, ‘I don't miss you at all, Sari’?”
Sari stared at him. “You don't need to make me feel guilty, you know. Zack is fine. He's doing great.”
“How do you know that?”
“The way he's talking to me. I can tell he's making progress.”
“Sure,” Jason said. “Whatever gets you through the night.”
“Stop it,” Sari said. “Stop it. You're not being fair.” She swallowed hard, then plunged in. “I didn't quit to be mean to Zack. I quit because it was all too hard. And he's okay. He's going to be fine. He's got Christopher, who's a really good therapist, and he's got you to take care of him. And Maria, too, who means well even if she's-” She stopped, shook her head, got herself back on track. “Anyway, the point is he's going to be fine, you know he is, whether he sees me or not. Because you're doing the right things for him. So it's not fair to make me feel bad about it. I love the little guy.” She rubbed Zack's back. “I think he's great. And I would have kept working with him, only it was too hard.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” Jason asked. “That it was too hard? What was so fucking hard about it?”
“You know,” she said. “High school and-”
“You recognized me the first day we came in,” Jason said. “And you started working with Zack anyway. And kept working with him for a while. So that's not it. That's not what made it so hard.”
“It was part of it,” Sari said. She brushed her fingers through Zack's curls, looking down so she wouldn't have to meet Jason's eyes. “And then you and I started-I don't know what we started doing. But I didn't feel right about it. I kept trying to stop-”
“Yeah, I noticed.”
“But I couldn't.” No matter how hard she swallowed, the swelling in her throat wouldn't go down. She was grateful at least that they were alone in Ellen's office, not in one of the public areas. “It was all too much. Thinking about Charlie and seeing you all the time and knowing that Zack needed my help-I just couldn't take it anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” Jason said after a moment. “I probably shouldn't have been so hard on you the other day. But I hate it when Zack cries like that. I can't stand it. And then seeing you sitting there, not caring, filling out your little forms like it had nothing to do with you at all-” His voice, Sari noticed, was as shaky as hers. “I told you, I used to watch you two together and I thought he meant something to you. And that meant something to me.”
“He did,” Sari said. “He does. I miss being with him. But it's all been so complicated that it just seemed better for everyone if I stayed away.”
“That's exactly what Denise said that night you came to dinner. And you said she was wrong.”
“I’m not Zack's mother,” she said. “I’m Charlie's sister. And that makes all of this… impossible.” There was a silence and then she sighed and said, “Okay. That's it.” She gently removed Zack's hands from her leg. “Time to go, sweetheart.”
“Hold on,” Jason said. “Just hold on a second. It's my turn to say something.”
“I think it's been-”
“I said hold on.”
Zack suddenly let go of her leg and slid down onto the floor as if he had become too bored with standing to do it any longer. He flopped onto his back and looked up at the ceiling.
Jason said, “I’ve been thinking. Since we last talked. And if I was ever mean to your brother back in high school-and maybe I was-God knows it's possible, even if I don't remember it-if I was, I’m sorry. Deeply and horribly and painfully sorry. If I could go back now and help him out, I would.”
“I know,” she said. “I know you would. But only because of him.” She gestured down at Zack.
“What do you mean?” Jason said.
“If Zack hadn't been born-if you'd had the perfect golden child you thought you'd have-you'd probably still be walking around, acting like an asshole, thinking you were better than everyone else-maybe even still being mean to anyone who was different, maybe even teaching Zack to be mean to the other kids at school-”
“Whoa,” he said. “I would never have taught my kid to be mean… But say it's true that if things had been different, I’d have been different-doesn't the same go for you? If Charlie hadn't been born, do you really think you'd have been such a saint your whole life?”
“I never said I was a saint.”
“Pretty much-all that talk about how you were never mean to anyone in high school…” He ran his hand through his hair. Some of it stayed sticking up, and Sari had to fight the urge to reach up and smooth it down. “Of course having Zack changed me. I don't think I was ever really as bad as you seem to think I was, but either way, I’m a more decent human being now and I’ll freely admit it. Does it matter why? You had a brother a couple of decades before I had Zack, so maybe you had an advantage there. But you and I ended up in the same place. And for the same reason.”
“I would never have been mean to a kid with special needs. Even if Charlie hadn't been my brother.”
“How can you be sure of that?”
“I just know.”
“Whoever you think I was-whatever you think I was-back in high school, I’m not that guy now,” Jason said. “I’m not sure I ever was him, but I’m definitely not him now.”
“It doesn't matter,” she said. “You can't just say ‘I’m good now’ and have everything suddenly be forgotten.”
“Why not?” Jason rubbed his temple savagely. “Why are you fighting this so hard, Sari? Why do I have to be evil through and through? Why can't I have changed? Why do you want to think badly of me?”
“I don't.” She sagged back against the wall, suddenly exhausted. “At least… I don't think I do.”
“Then why can't you give me a break?”
It was so hard to explain. “I’ve hated everyone from high school for so long. I’ve gone to sleep thinking about how much I hated you all for years now. I don't think I could even go to sleep without thinking about all that.” She gave a little painful smile. “It's like my security blanket.”
“You need to give it up.”
“Charlie's been so screwed over,” Sari said. “In every way. He never had a chance, Jason. You don't know what it's like. Zack will be fine. Charlie won't.”
“You can't blame the kids from high school for that.”
“If they'd been kinder to him-”
“It would have been better,” he said. “But it wouldn't have cured his autism. There has to be more to the story than that.”
“Maybe,” she said. “I mean, of course. But-”
“But what? Why do you have to keep hating me?”
“Because it's easier than-” Than what? She turned away from him, pressing herself against the wall, trying to think, trying to find something coherent to say.
It was all such a mess, everything to do with Charlie. First there was her mother's craziness and her father's indifference, and then the cruelty of the kids at school… and then when all that was behind her, she had thought I’ll learn how to make everything better for him, but nothing she learned had ever made any difference-and the truth was she hadn't helped him at all.
She hadn't helped him at all.
God, it hurt to think that. She had spent the last six years of her life studying how to help Charlie, but he was still stuck at home watching TV and eating too much, isolated from the real world. For all her schooling and good intentions, she hadn't done a thing for Charlie. Her mother always got in her way when she tried to change things, and eventually she had given up even trying.
It was too awful to think about-all that failure, all that giving up. It was so much easier to blame everyone else-her mother for not getting it, her father for not caring, her sister for running away, everyone at school for laughing at him-
But what had she ever done to make Charlie's life better? Who had hurt him more in the end-some strangers who made fun of him or the sister he loved who used to hit him and scream at him because he couldn't change? What good had any of her promises or hopes or anger actually done him?
“Oh, shit,” Sari said. She hid her face in her hands, her body crouched against the wall. “I can't do this.”
“Do what?”
Through her fingers, she said, “I can't just suddenly change the way I’ve been thinking about things.”
“Why not?” Jason was suddenly standing very close to her. “Didn't you tell me the brain is very good at reshaping itself? Ever hear of a little thing called neural plasticity?”
Sari let her hands drop to her sides. “If you tell me to lay down some new neural pathways, I swear I’ll-”
“You'll what?” Jason said.
“I don't know,” she said and wouldn't look at him. “It's just not that easy.”
“We could schedule some interventions for you, if it would help,” Jason said. “I know some excellent therapists.” He took her hand. She looked at their fingers and saw how quickly hers twined around his. “I know how hard it is to change the way you think about things,” he said. “Do you know how long I’ve clung to the idea that I’m going to make it in Hollywood? That I’m some undiscovered genius? And meanwhile I’m just a part-time kids basketball coach whose wife-soon to be ex-wife- has to support him. I need to lay down some new pathways of my own.” He rubbed his thumb softly against the rounded part of her palm. “You could help me, Sari. You're good with all this brain-retraining stuff. It's what you do.”
“Why would you want me to help you?” Sari said. “I was mean to you and Zack. You said so yourself.”
“Yeah, you were,” he said. “And back in high school, I used to laugh when someone tripped a retard.”
“So what are you saying? That we're even?”
“Not that. More like… people can act badly and not be bad people.”
“How do you tell the difference? Between a bad person and one who just acts badly? Because I’ve been trying so hard to figure that one out and I can't. I cant.”
“You just know,” he said. “One pretty good indication is when the person devotes her life to helping other people. Truly bad people don't usually do that. Not unless it pays well.”
“It doesn't pay well,” Sari said. She couldn't look at him, just kept focusing on their hands-on how her fingers were clutching on to his. She felt choked with hope and dread and uncertainty.
“Also,” he said, “when someone kisses you and it's all you can think about for weeks and weeks, you just can't believe that person is bad.”
“Bad people can be good kissers.”
“I’m sorry.” Jason pulled on her hand, gently reeling her in toward him. “I just can't think of you as evil. God knows I’ve tried, Sari. For the past few days, all I’ve done is try. I’ve been so pissed off at you… But I keep seeing you throw your arms around Zack because he said ‘more’ one day, and everything else gets lost.”
“I know,” she said and extricated her hand from his, but only so she could slide it up his arm, feel the muscle there and the warmth of his skin. “I’ve been trying even harder to hate you. To keep hating you, I mean.” She was whispering now, not to be quiet, but because it was so hard to find the breath to speak out loud. “But you keep making it almost impossible.”
“Sari,” he said, and it was a question, only she didn't try to answer it, just pushed herself against him, and maybe that was answer enough. She could feel his whole body sigh with relief. She buried her face in his chest. She only came up to his shoulders, and it felt good to just collapse onto him, to let someone else hold her up for a change. “Sari,” he said again. His fingers went to her hair and he stroked it gently for a moment, but then he caught some of the short strands in his fingers and tugged it back-not painfully, but firmly enough to force her head back and make her look at him. His face-his so-handsome-it-hurt-to-look-at-him face-was taut and anxious, and his voice was hoarse when he said, “If this is another one of those times when you're playing with me-if you're going to turn on me again like you did last time-”
“And the time before,” she said, ashamed, remembering how every time she started to like him and let him see that she liked him, she'd force herself to be cold and angry with him again, with no explanation or apology. “I won't. I swear I won't. And I wasn't playing with you before-I was fighting with myself.”
“That's not what it felt like from where I was standing.”
“I was pretty awful, wasn't I?”
“Just a little cruel.”
“Here I was thinking you were the bad guy,” Sari said. “And it was me all along.”
“Yeah.” He kept the firm hold on her hair, kept her head pulled back, his eyes studying her face. “But I forgive you.” He bent over her. There was enough anger left in him that his kiss was hard and violent.
She was instantly aroused, instantly drawn under. She had been waiting a long time for this, she realized, and her body was already tightening with the lust she'd been trying to ignore for all that time. This time, there was no holding back, no wondering whether she was making a mistake. All she wanted was to be this close to him forever, always feeling his mouth and body demanding hers and hers demanding his.
And then someone cleared her throat just a few feet away.
They sprang apart.
“Hi,” Ellen said, standing in the doorway, holding her briefcase across her chest like a shield. “Am I interrupting? Or am I allowed to come into my own office?”
“Oh, God,” Sari said. She felt her hot face flush even hotter.
“I’m so sorry, Ellen. Oh, God.”
Ellen came into the room. “Hey, curie,” she said, holding her free hand out to Zack, who was still lying on his back on the floor. “How about standing up now? It's time to go home. Past time, I’d say,” she added with a sharp look at Sari as she hauled Zack to his feet and extended his hand to his father.
“Come over later?” Jason whispered to Sari as he slipped by her on the way to taking Zack's hand.
Sari nodded. She wasn't capable of speaking at the moment.
“Really?” he said.
She nodded again, and he led Zack to the door. “Sorry,” he said to Ellen. “We never meant to-”
“Just please take your child and go,” Ellen said. Jason hesitated, looking at Sari, who gestured with her head toward the door, and he nodded and left. Ellen dropped her briefcase on the floor and turned to Sari. “Tell me why I shouldn't strangle you.”
Sari forced a smile. “You'd be short a clinician?”
“That's the only reason I’m not. But if you ever do anything like this again-”
“I’m so sorry, Ellen,” Sari said. “I-” It was hard for her to get words out, but she cleared her throat and tried again. “I wouldn't. Ever. I never have before, I swear.”
“Well, that's a relief. I’d hate to think you're in here making out with men whenever my back is turned.”
“This was the first time-”
“First, last, and only. You understand?”
“Of course. Of course.”
“The kid was right there,” Ellen said. “God knows I’m no prude, Sari, but the poor kid was lying on the floor and his parents aren't even divorced yet. What were you thinking?”
“I wasn't really thinking,” Sari said.
“That's obvious.” Ellen studied her carefully. “I assume this was connected to the whole ‘I can't work with Zack but I swear his father's not a letch’ thing?”
“Kind of. I mean-”
“Do we want to revisit the question of whether his father's a letch or not? Because it seems to me-”
“Please,” Sari said. She put her hand to her forehead. “It's not like that, Ellen.”
“Really? So tell me what it's like.”
“I don't know,” she said. “Can I get back to you on that?”
“Whatever it is or isn't, keep it out of the office,” Ellen said.
“I promise.”
“And if you ever ask to be taken off a child's case again for personal reasons-”
“I won't.”
“You better not. Or you'll be out of here. You understand?”
“Yes.”
“All right then.”
Sari went to the door.
“One last thing-” Ellen said.
“What?” She turned.
Ellen scooped up her briefcase off the floor and dropped it onto her desk. “Don't forget to go over there later. Might as well finish what you started. Only this time in the appropriate environment.”
Sari managed a nod and stumbled out of the office.
Jason was putting Zack to bed when Sari arrived. She volunteered to read Zack a bedtime story, and Jason sat on the bed and watched her intently through the whole book. It made it hard to read.
Once she was done, she put the book back in the bookcase while Jason tucked the blanket around Zack's little body. Over his shoulder he said to her, “I have to lie down with him until he falls asleep or he'll scream for an hour.”
“You should let him scream,” she said. “Eventually he'll learn to-”
“No,” he said. “Not tonight. I want him to go to sleep quickly tonight.”
“Yeah,” she said. “Me, too.”
“Wait for me in the family room?”
“Okay.”
She was alone in the family room for almost half an hour. Which gave her plenty of time to wander around looking at photos she would rather not have looked at and then to torture herself by studying them minutely-photos of Jason and Denise getting married (she wore a satin slip dress cut on the bias and was gorgeously slim and elegant), photos of a weary but triumphant Denise cuddling a newborn Zack, photos of the whole family on vacation near a beach, Zack just a toddler in his fathers arms-photos, over and over again, of the perfect family, perfectly happy together.
Jason walked in while she was still studying one of the older photos-Denise and Jason in their college graduation gowns, kissing, each of them holding a diploma up to the camera, but otherwise apparently oblivious to its presence.
“Hi,” he said, coming to stand next to her.
“Is he asleep?”
He nodded then gestured at the photos surrounding them.
“So what do you think?”
“There are a lot of them,” she said, carefully placing the one she was holding back among the rest.
“I know. I’d like to get rid of some of them. Or even all of them. There's something sad and creepy about having to look at them all the time, like nothing's changed. But I don't know how Zack would feel about it if they all just disappeared.”
“Yeah, that might be hard on him.”
“It might.” They were both silent for a moment.
Then Sari said, “She's really beautiful.”
“I guess.” He nudged her shoulder with his. “I like the way you look.”
“You didn't back in high school.”
“I barely knew you. If I had ever stopped and really talked to you-“
“It wouldn't have made a difference,” she said. “We weren't in the same place back then.”
There was another pause. Then: “How mad was Ellen?”
“Pretty mad. I don't blame her. We were acting like-” She stopped.
“Like what?”
“I don't know. Teenagers, I guess. Getting carried away by our hormones.”
“That's not such a bad thing,” he said, and he grinned suddenly. “Want to do that again?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I do.” But when he reached for her, she suddenly ducked away. “I’m sorry,” she said, twisting her hands together. “It's just a little scary.”
“What?”
She gestured toward a photo of Denise sitting by a pool and laughing. “Well, she is, for one thing. The way she looks… it just makes me wonder how many other beautiful women you've been with.”
“Not that many,” he said. “You'd be surprised.”
“Oh, come on,” she said. “In high school alone, they must have numbered in the dozens. All those cheerleaders.”
He shook his head and reached for her hand. Just the touch of his fingers on hers made her want to jump out of her skin in a good way. “You're nuts. I had two girlfriends in all of high school, and they both ended up dumping me.”
“You were always with some girl or another,” Sari said. “Always. You were like this movie star on the campus. All those girls, all over you-they were always giving you massages on that wall behind the cafeteria and-”
“You gave me a back rub not that long ago,” he said. “That I remember.”
“A back rub?”
“With a hot towel.”
“Oh, right,” she said. “Did you like that?”
“Are you kidding? It was maybe the most erotic two minutes of my life.”
“Don't say that. I was there to work with Zack, not to turn you on.”
“Sorry,” he said. “I did my best to hide it.”
“Anyway, what are you talking about, two minutes? It was a lot longer than that.”
“It was not. You were in and out. Got me all excited and then walked away-telling me to go take Advil. You're a cold, cold woman, Sari Hill.”
“Turn around,” she said and he obeyed her. She pulled up his shirt, put her hands against his warm back.
He shivered. “You really are cold. Your hands are like ice.”
“They'll warm up,” she said. She slid her hands all the way up under his shirt, to the muscles of his shoulders and let herself really feel how warm and strong he was, then she slipped them down and around his waist to his flat stomach and up again to explore the broad planes of his chest.
“Ah,” he said.
They stood like that for a moment, her hands pinning him against her, front to back. She rested her cheek against the swell of his right shoulder. And then he turned around, so her hands were caught for a moment in his shirt and by the time she had worked them free, his arms were pulling her tight against him, and then his mouth came down on hers and for once-for once-they were alone somewhere private, with no cars or people to stop them from doing what they both wanted to do so badly, and no anger left in Sari to make her pull back and reject something that she wanted with all of her body and all of her heart.