I finished the day taking a look through my files. I was in deep shit. Claudia had said she'd review the files and investigate my breach in a matter of days. I didn't see any way possible of somehow tying up both ends and saving my ass. I knew this day would come. I just didn't know it would come this week. My friend, the throb, joined me and Elvis for the ride home. Elvis did Are You Lonesome Tonight and he stuttered through the soliloquy in the middle of the song. The way my head felt I could understand the trouble the king had. My stomach did that car-sick feeling, which I knew wasn't related to being in the car. It had more to do with getting hit on the noggin. I pulled up to the Moody Blue and headed toward the door and immediately got the sense something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it and wondered if my new emotional state played tricks on me. The one Rudy told me would involve weird unpredictable mood swings. I realized it was much simpler. There was no barking. Every night Al would start going nuts as soon as he heard the El Dorado pull up. Tonight silence. I ran up the steps and bolted through the door, fearing the worst.
My fears quadrupled when I rattled the knob and still got no reaction from Al. I opened the door and saw what had happened. Karl sat naked in the center of the floor across from Al. Al's had no collar on so I guess, technically, he was also naked. In between them a candle burned. Karl sat cross-legged staring at it. Al wasn't staring at it, he had his eyes closed, and he snored.
"What the fuck?"
"Please, we are centering," Karl said without moving. Having a naked man, in front of you in the middle of your living room, next to your dog, is a bit disconcerting.
"Join us in centering if you like."
I shook my head and decided to center myself in my tried and true way and got a Schlitz. I sat on my couch in front of the circle of the bizarre, pondering if it would be okay to turn on my television.
"KUBALA! KUBALA! KUBALA!"
Al opened his eyes and furrowed his brow.
"GONDOFI! OH! GONDOFI! OH!"
I chugged the Schlitz and got another.
"OH! OH! OH!"
Karl slapped the floor three times. Al sat up. Karl looked at me with a big smile.
"Hello Duffy. Al and I were centering." He had a peaceful grin on his face, which for some strange reason intensified his nakedness.
"Karl, could you throw on a pair of cargo pants and Tshirt?"
"I am comfortable in my nakedness."
"That makes one of us."
Al went to the window to check the sparrows. Apparently, even with his centering, Al remained suspicious of his enemies. I wasn't nearly as centered as my roommates. Drinking Schlitz twice as fast as usual wasn't speeding my own centeredness. To be honest I was still a bit uneasy about the last panic attack/nightmare. I thought if I stacked my consciousness deck with a few extra Schlitz I might just skip the nocturnal special features I'd been getting.
I flipped on the TV to MSNBC to watch the evening news. There lead story talked about the price of oil going up. Karl came back in the room and I was grateful to see he'd thrown on some sweat pants and was pulling a T-shirt on over his head. His shirt said, 'If you're not furious you're not paying attention.' I guess I wasn't paying close enough attention.
"Oil's going up again. Well, they're at it again," Karl shook his head.
"Karl, what does that mean?"
"Ha-"
"Don't give me that 'Ha' bullshit. What does it mean?"
"What are you getting all ticked off about Duffy?"
"You keep muttering about shit and then you make some sort of half assed prediction that gets sort of fulfilled. Then you act like Nostre-fucking-damus."
"The truth hurts."
"No. Fucking bullshit hurts!" My head started to throb. I noticed my breathing accelerated.
"You're having a reaction right now Duffy. Slow your breathing."
"I'm not having a fucking reac-"My chest got really tight and my head felt like a screwdriver went through it. Al came running around the corner and sat in front of me.
"Rub Al's ears."
"What?" Everything felt tight. The stupidity of Karl's comment jarred me.
"Rub his ears and don't think of anything else." I did. I don't know why. The pain in my chest remained, the weird feeling like someone hit the fast forward button on my thoughts was there, and I felt like I imagined asthmatics felt. I don't know anything about this shit, but I knew I hated it. Karl continued to speak softly, in a monotone.
"Feel the softness of the texture. Sense how it relaxes him. Feel the ears. Feel the ears."
I did and I kept doing it. It got better than focusing on my chest caving in on me. I kept doing it. Al lifted a paw and rested it on my leg. He sort of purred.
Little by little my breathing eased. I sweated and I felt, all of a sudden, exhausted. My vision widened and I felt like I just had done wind sprints up a hill. My chest pounded, but slowed. I had no idea if 20 seconds had just passed or a couple of hours. I had no idea what these fucking things were, or what brought them on, but I began to understand how people who got them never left their house or got out of bed.
I started crying uncontrollably.
"What the fuck is happening to me?"
"Now you know why I take drugs. I think you clinical types call them panic attacks."
"It didn't feel like anything fucking clinical to me."
"It never does when it's happening to you." I sat up and watched the TV. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to think. I drank the rest of the Schlitz. The three of us sat in silence while MSNBC went on about oil prices, Afghanistan, and the Middle East. I was barely focusing when, after about twenty minutes, Karl couldn't restrain himself from commenting.
"The average idiot who thinks they know about these things likes to say 'It's all about oil.' That isn't even the tip of the ice berg, man." He shook his head.
"When did you start seeing everything as a conspiracy? I mean, damn."
"I see things that way because I've got a lot of experience getting conspired on."
"You know, Karl I went out to your old high school. I didn't realize you were such a big man on campus back in the day."
"Yeah, before the world got in the way."
"Football star, class officer…Mr. BMOC. Have you kept up with the classmates?"
"Nah, phony bastards. I've got no use for them."
"What about Newstrom? Wasn't he in the Corps with you?"
"Was, then he went private. He was part of it."
"Part of it. What are you talking about?"
"The shit went down. I found he planned on going private the whole time."
"What do you mean private?"
"He's a mercenary, except now they call them 'private security.' Shit, we got more private troops in Iraq then we do U.S. military. They make three times the pay and have no rules or discipline."
"And he had something to do with screwing you over?" Karl looked at me and nodded. He got quiet and I couldn't tell for sure if he was sad or really angry. I didn't want to put the guy through the anguish of his memories, but I also had a pretty good size knot on my head letting me know I was intimately a part of his mess.
"Karl, I read your VA file today. I can't imagine the shit you went through. It's easy to see how that could fuck a guy up." Karl stayed quiet. I started to wonder if I should've said anything about his file.
"So you know about the kids."
"Yeah."
"You think that's why I'm nuts?"
"Well, no, but I can understand the impact-"
"Now you're talking like a social worker again." Karl stood up.
"Look, shooting a couple of innocent kids fucked me up, no doubt, but what happened after that sealed it."
"What happened?"
"Nah, Duffy, no way, no yet. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you've done for me, but to be honest, I've been screwed before by people who did nice things. No, not yet." I noticed Karl's hands trembled.
"Do you think whatever shit is had something to do with the Army guys who got me at the medical center?"
"Without a doubt."
"And you're not going to tell me what this is about?" Karl looked away and paced back and forth. He chewed away at the tip of his thumb. Al started to follow him as he paced, making the turns, albeit not as easily as his two-legged buddy.
"I found out about shit that would get a lot of people in trouble. It's important to certain people, very big deal people, I'm seen as a lunatic so no one ever takes what I say seriously. When people start taking me seriously…"
"What Karl?"
He didn't answer. He stopped pacing and turned his back to me. I could hear him starting to cry.
"Karl, goddamn it-what happens if people start taking you seriously?"
"They'll kill me."