A lengthy silence followed, laid down a huge gap between us. This was crazy, we were still man and wife.
‘How did you find me?’
‘I went to your flat. Col said you were here.’
Good old Col, I had called to let him know where I was, but I could have done without her knowing I lived this way. Not exactly an advert for stability.
‘I got your letter,’ I said.
‘That’s good.’
‘So, you’re not messing about then, your lawyer’s pushed the button.’
There it was, that gap again.
‘Look, Gus, you knew this was coming. I told you.’
‘I thought there might have been a bit more… discussion.’
A tut.
‘We’ve done all the talking.’
I turned away, shook my head. ‘Oh, have we now? You’ve decided. Deborah’s made her mind up and that’s all there is to it. If that’s the case, then why are you here?’
A loud sigh, she shifted a hand to the bag strap over her shoulder, fiddled nervously with it. ‘I see this might be a bit of a shock to you, Gus.’
‘Oh, it’s a shock all right — but don’t pretend you care about my feelings. You’ll be asking how I’m getting on next.’
Her hand jerked from the strap, slapped at her thigh. ‘Look, if you’re going to start getting aggressive…’
‘You’ll what? Get your lawyer to write me another threatening letter?’
‘Okay. I can see there’s not much point in pursuing this.’
She turned away from me, headed back towards the door. I locked myself down, this wasn’t the way I’d wanted things to be between us. ‘Sorry, I’m sorry, Debs… All this is doing my head in.’
She looked round, took her hand off the door handle. ‘It’s not easy for me, either.’
‘I know, but I’m under a lot of pressure just now.’
‘Are you drinking?’
‘No. God, no — haven’t touched a drop.’
‘For how long?’
‘Days.’
‘How many — one, two?’
She had my number. Any more than that would be a new record; then, we might just have something to talk about.
‘Does it matter? It’s the fact that I’m cleaning up my act that’s important, surely.’
Another tut, softer this time, it arrived almost hidden under breath.
‘What does that mean?’ I said.
‘Nothing.’
‘No. No. Go on. Tell me what you mean.’
‘There’s no point.’
‘There’s every point, I want to know what you meant by that tut.’
‘Gus, stop this.’
‘I won’t — I’ll never get clean. That’s what it means, isn’t it? You’ve no faith in me, Debs, you never fucking have had!’
‘Right, that’s it. I’m not going to get drawn into another one of your stupid barnies. I had hoped we could resolve things amicably, but obviously not.’
‘Truth hurts too much, huh?’
‘That’s it, Gus. I told you the last time: I’ve had it with the rows, the recriminations — I’m not the enemy. I never was.’
Tut.
I turned the tables on her. It felt good, for all of a second.
‘You pushed me away — just like you push everything else.’
‘Yeah, yeah.’
‘Keep pushing it. You’re going to be left with nothing. Sad and lonely, staring into a bottle of whisky.’ She upped the volume, her voice cracked, ‘How could you think I could watch you do that to yourself?’
‘Debs-’
‘No, leave it.’ I’d brought her to tears. ‘It’s over and the sooner you realise that the better. For crying out loud, just take a look at yourself. Not for the sake of this fucked-up marriage, for yourself.’
‘Debs-’
‘We’re finished. I don’t want you to call me again, do you understand?’
‘What — why?’
‘I mean it. If you’ve any more to say to me, call my lawyer.’
‘Debs… Debs…’