Todd was twelve-years-old when his mother had gotten pregnant. It was just one year after his father had taken the puppies to the pound. Todd's mother was doing that awkward squat that pregnant woman do as she lowered herself down onto the couch cushions. Her stomach was the size of a beach ball. Todd couldn't imagine why he hadn't noticed it before. Had she been hiding it? He didn't think his father had noticed either. Raymond Hammerstein worked all day at UPS driving a forklift and then at night as a security guard at the Supermarket. Todd couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen both his mother and father together in the same room.
The idea of a new brother or sister excited Todd. It meant a possible end to his loneliness. Todd jumped off the bed with a smile bursting onto his face as he pointed at her bulbous stomach. Now, Todd often wondered what his life would have been like if he hadn't noticed.
"Momma! You're pregnant!"
Todd could tell by the way she looked at him that he had said something wrong. Maybe she wasn't pregnant. Maybe she had just gained weight and he had somehow insulted her.
"Go to your room, Toddy."
Todd wondered what would have happened if he had stayed, if he hadn't turned quietly and stalked off to his room feeling sorry for himself. Maybe his mother would still be alive.
More than an hour had gone by before Honey had begun barking. Honey never barked. A shock collar had long ago eliminated her urge to express herself. So her sudden outburst had shaken Todd. He knew something bad was happening and he knew that it probably involved his mom. That sad angry look in her eyes when Todd had noticed her swelling belly had warned him that something terrible was on the way. He only hoped that she wasn't going to hurt his dog. He didn't care if she hurt him. He was used to it.
Todd dropped his Wolverine comic back in the shoebox where he kept it hidden and slid it back into his closet. His mother didn't like him to read comics. She thought they were too violent. Todd had always thought it ironic that the same woman who frequently beat him with extension cords and wire hangers found the pretend violence in comic books to be too disturbing. But, to her, it was the same as pornography.
Honey was still barking when Todd stepped out into the hallway. She was crouched outside the open bathroom door.
The fur on her back was standing up and she was backing away. From inside the bathroom Todd could hear his mother moaning in pain. The hair on his neck and arms rose. Todd had a feeling that something worse than anything he could imagine was happening in the bathroom.
"Momma?"
Todd shuffled forward slowly.
"Uhhhhnnn! Uh. Uh. Oh God."
"Momma? Are you okay?"
He could hear her rapid breathing. She was panting the way Honey had the night she'd given birth to her litter of puppies. Todd rushed forward, thinking maybe his mother was having the baby. He turned the corner into the bathroom, skidded on a pool of blood and fell flat on his butt. He looked up at his mother who was squatting on the toilet with a bloody hanger still shoved up inside of her and blood pouring out of her in what looked like an endless river. It had overflown the toilet and was pouring out onto the floor in a tide of blackish red. His mother was still tugging on the hanger, making little grunting noises as she yanked at it, shoved it back up inside of herself, then yanked at it again. Her labia had been completely mangled by her efforts. Todd had never seen so much blood. He knew what his mother was doing even before he saw the tiny skull plop out of her bleeding vagina. The wire hanger had pierced the fetus's eye socket and had gone straight through its skull, which had been nearly disconnected from its body. There were gouges, big chunks of flesh completely torn away, all over its face and head from his mother's previous attempts to anchor the hangar into something in order to drag the fetus out of her. Todd screamed. His mother continued to yank on the hangar.
By the time Todd's father came home his mother had bled out. Todd sat leaning up against the blood-filled toilet in a pool of his mother's blood, cradling her in his arms, crying hysterically. She was naked with her legs spread wide and tiny fetus spilled out of her vagina. The fetus was still attached by the umbilical cord and coat hanger pierced its little skull.
"Oh my God! Rachael! Oh my God! What did you do? What did you do?"
Todd looked up at his father and shook his head. He opened his mouth but no words would come out. His dad kneeled down beside him. His father's eyes were wide as he looked over his dead wife.
"She-she was pregnant? Oh my God. She was pregnant! Why would she do this? Why would she do this?"
They sat like that, both kneeling in his mother's blood for what seemed like forever before his father rose and took Todd's arm, pulling him away from his dead mother. He took him into the kitchen and stripped his bloody clothes off of him then cleaned the blood from his skin with a wash rag.
"Don't worry, Toddy. Mommy is in heaven now," his father said through tears. He paused and bit down on his own hand to keep himself from sobbing hysterically then picked up the washcloth again and continued to scrub the blood from Todd's skin. "She's in heaven now. It's okay."
But Todd wasn't sure she was in heaven. He'd heard that you didn't go to heaven when you committed suicide. But he wasn't certain that she had been trying to kill herself. She was definitely trying to kill the baby though. Todd thought about the baby that had been inside of her. He was pretty sure that God would have considered what she had done murder unless maybe she'd had a really good reason.
"Was it like the puppies?"
His dad stopped scrubbing and looked up at him. Tears were in his father's eyes and a look of confusion and disgust.
"What?"
"What Momma did? Was it like the puppies? Did she kill the baby because we couldn't afford it, because there would have been too many of us?"
His father shook his head and began to cry harder. He hugged Todd closely as his tears overtook him.
"I don't know, Toddy. I don't know."
Todd was led back to his room, a glass of milk and two chocolate chip cookies were placed by his bedside.
"I have to go clean up mommy now. You try to get some sleep."
Todd couldn't sleep. He sat up and listened to the police and the paramedics trapsing through his home. He heard his grandparents come. Heard their desperate tears. Then he heard sounds that he would never forget, wet sticky sounds as his mother's body was moved. The worst of it was what he heard his father say to his grandfather as they stood in the hallway just outside of Todd's room.
"I don't know why she would do this. Rachael was against abortion." It was his grandfather's voice.
"The baby wasn't mine. I didn't even know she was pregnant. I've just been working so hard. I-I don't know how I didn't notice. She had to be at least eight months. I was just always so tired when I came home."
"What do you mean it wasn't yours?"
"Rachael and I had decided not to have any more children. Two years ago, I had a vasectomy. I think it was somebody at the church. I think she must have had an affair."
"That can't be."
"I would have forgiven her. I would have. She didn't have to…"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. I'm sterile."
There was a pause and Todd's bedroom door opened. The two men peeked into Todd's room to make sure he was still asleep. Todd held the covers up over his face and didn't move. He didn't move again until he was sure that he and his father had been left alone.