She’s sleeping.
I’m downstairs. Television on. I’m staring at the screen. No idea what programme is on. No interest.
I’ve eaten. Hours ago though, I think.
I’m thinking. Remembering. Planning.
I won’t close my eyes. I know I’ll see her. See him. See them.
Have I put the hall light off? I’m sure I did. I know I did. Better check.
I check. I had put it off. I knew I had.
Ideas run round my head. So many thoughts. Can’t stop them, can’t slow them or reduce them.
I want a drink but won’t do it. I want control. Need it.
Not being alone but being lonely is a hard way to be. That’s why I sometimes turned to my pal Jack for help. Sometimes my mates Jim or Arthur too. Mr Daniel’s, Mr Beam and Mr Guinness. Best friends a lonely man could have. I liked drinking. It helped.
But sometimes it didn’t help. Like now.
Remember when Sarah fell off her new bike and tore the skin off her knee? She refused to cry, just wouldn’t do it even though there was blood running down her leg.
So many plans to make. Got to make sure things are done right.
There’s a feeling rooted deep in my gut. An irritation that won’t go away. It nags at me, gnaws at me. It eats me. I try to stop thinking about it but it churns my stomach, beats my head. It’s there, always there. I fret because of it, continually aware of it. I worry because it is always there and it is always there because I worry about it. Can’t break that loop. Not a loop, a spiral. Downward. There is a constant urge to scream.
Did I put that light off? The hall light? I know I did but maybe I better check. I know I did. Check anyway.
I check it. It was off.
Glass of Jack Daniel’s. Just the one. Driving later. Largish one though. Beyond caring.
The newspapers have been full of things I’ve done. This street too with all its talk of killings. Kids write stuff on walls. That dog has been hanging around again as if it is stalking me. Not a happy place.
What’s happy?
So much planning to do. So much to remember. So much to forget.
I want to wake up in the rain with her sheltering beneath my arm, raindrops falling off her smile and her feet shaking with the fun of it. I want her to rain-dance and twirl. I want her to pretend she is showing off. I want to open my eyes and see her looking up at me then looking down at rain dripping off her nose, her licking it the way she does. Did.
It is hours since I’ve eaten. Hungry now.
No time though. I’ve got to go out soon. How long is it since I had that glass of Jack?
Punters in the taxi been talking of nothing except him. The Cutter. Him not me. Kept going on about the dentist. Sinclair. Saying what a shame it was. Sin for his wife, they said.
What did they know about sin? Sin everywhere.
Woman actually cried in the back of the car. Husband had to hold her. Crying for a woman she didn’t know. I caused that. Wallace Ogilvie caused that.
No more Jack. Haven’t eaten. No more Jack on an empty stomach.
Shit. Have to shake that gnawing. Stomach all over the place. Maybe a glass of Jack would sort it.
They were saying that Sinclair was the worst one yet. Just married. Said surely if killer had known that he wouldn’t have done it. How could anyone do that? they asked.
Pour another glass.
Might not make work. Don’t want to hear them talking. Could phone in sick. True enough anyway. Sick in the stomach. Sick in the head.
Sarah was off school for nearly two weeks with chicken pox once. Poor wee thing was covered in spots and had the cough and a really bad headache. Plenty of fluids and calamine lotion. Don’t scratch.
Taxi passengers been boring into my head. Harder and harder to shut them out. Why couldn’t they just shut the fuck up?
Not going in. Decided. Need to phone before having another glass. Keep voice together. Cammy doesn’t sound best pleased. Feels sorry for me though. Know that. Still not happy.
No work though. No passengers. Why do they keep asking if I have heard anything? Just because you drive a cab doesn’t mean you get loads of gossip. No, heard nothing. Shut the fuck up.
Seemed to be more people taking taxis. No one wanted to walk anywhere any more. People were scared. Even in Glasgow.
Did I put the light off in the hall? Sure I’d checked that already.
Sat back down. Last Jack.
Still got to plan. Still lots to do. Dice move next.
Maybe not best time to plan. Mind full of Jack. Mind full of Sarah. Mind full of Sinclair.
I keep hearing Sarah’s voice. Always been the way. Would hear her in shopping centres or calling to a pal in the street. Would be sure it was her. And every time I remembered it wasn’t, couldn’t be, it was like her dying all over again. But now I hear it without anyone talking.
She was talking through Jack. I was thinking through Jack.
Man gave me a ten-pence tip last week. Fare came to?6.95 and he handed over seven pounds and a five-pence piece. Why do they bother doing that? I threw the coin out the window behind him. Shouldn’t have done that.
Jesus, my guts were churning. Not nerves, just everything. All the shit rolled together. Should have been at work by now. Should have been on the street. Couldn’t now even if I wanted to.
Not going to check that light again. Know I’ve checked it.
I miss you. I say it out loud. I really miss you. Am I saying it out loud to prove it in case she’s listening? Don’t know. Shouldn’t have to prove it. She knows I love her.
Don’t feel guilty. Doesn’t matter how many people say how bad it all is. Just because he was recently married. So what? Random. Way it has to be.
The woman who was crying was doing so for herself. Not for the widow. Her own fear of being alone. Selfish bitch.
Glasgow was full of fear. Could smell it from them. All their talk, all their gallusness meant nothing. All worried about their miserable little lives. Five fucking deaths and their front disappears like snow off a dyke. Could see the strain in their eyes, hear it in their voices. Smell it, see it, hear it, taste it, touch it.
Can’t make plans with all this Tennessee firewater in me. Drunk plans are bad plans. Need to do things right. Owe it to her to do it properly. Getting caught would blow everything. Shame her. Shame both of them. Can’t do that. Can’t have that.
Need control.
Put half glass of Jack aside. Not finishing that.
Rachel Narey is suspicious. Maybe she is just suspicious of everyone. Maybe half of Glasgow thinks she suspects them. They had nothing to hide though. Nothing to protect. She is getting a hard time on telly and in the papers. Scared people demanding answers. Police getting called for everything in taxis and on the street. Feel sorry for her. Not her fault. Their Cutter is too clever for them.
A wee bit more of the Jack. Just what’s in that glass though. No more after that.
Wonder what the cops really think. Must be saying lots they aren’t letting on to the press. Must have theories. Must have leads. Must be fucking furious that the piss is being taken out of them. Must be doing so much that I haven’t got a clue about.
Getting tired.
Sarah once said she wanted to be a policewoman. And a lawyer. And a pop star. And a nurse. And look after old people. She was really bright. And so kind. A warm heart.
She and her pals found some kittens in the river when she was about seven. Some farmer had tried to drown them in a sack. She took the two surviving ones from house to house for hours until she found a home for them. It didn’t matter how many times people said no, she just moved on to another house with big eyes and a soft sell until the cats had good homes.
Last drops of Jack clinging to the side of the glass. The rest deep inside me. No more.
Tired.
Just going to close my eyes for a second. Rest them. Need rest.
Sarah. Narey. Sinclair.
Traffic lights. Traffic jams.
Wallace Ogilvie. Ogilvie. Ogilvie.
Fighting back.
Car door slamming shut somewhere. Black dog barking.
So tired.
Is the light switched off in the hall?
So very tired.