IT IS JUST MORE THAN a week later. Finn and I are at Willy the Hungarian’s little ramshackle wooden empire on the beach near Marseilles. Willy is absent for a reason I don’t know. But we expect him any day now.
Willy drove Finn and me out to the cabin with its restaurant at the beach on a beautiful blue day. He hid us in the back of a van. Anyone watching would think that it was just a maintenance man going down there to do some winter repair work. He even put a ladder on the roof of the van to complete the fiction. But there was nobody about in the bleak, remote place Willy had carved out for himself, nobody to see who turned on or off the three-mile track to the beach. And if you looked along the track, across the saltpans from the road, all you saw were dunes, and even then only if the day was clear enough. The huts were always hidden.
Willy had brought books and told us there was wood in a store for unseasonably cold evenings and that, bearing in mind that this store would run out quickly, we’d better start collecting driftwood right from the start. There was plenty of it on the beach, he said, from last year’s violent Mediterranean storms that scoop up debris from the land or sweep it from the decks of ships.
Finn and I enjoyed a week of being alone without the hippies who had not yet returned from wintering in India.
‘For Adrian,’ Finn explained one night as we sat by a fire on the beach, ‘destroying me would be like destroying part of himself. He hates me, don’t get me wrong, Rabbit; he loathes everything there is about me. But I’m the part of himself that he hates. Even if he’s not conscious of it himself. He won’t kill a part of himself.’
Finn pokes the embers of the fire, which has just cooked our supper. I hope Finn’s instincts about other people are serving him well. And I wish that he would apply the same acute perceptions to himself.
‘But you’re not so protected, Anna,’ he continues and stares into the red embers. ‘He’d happily hurt you to hurt me, and leave himself untouched in the process. I know that. That’s why you’re in greater danger than I am, at least from Adrian. It’s you we have to protect right now.’
‘You really think you’re safe?’ I say. ‘After what Adrian said?’
‘I’m safe only from Adrian.’
Since the meeting with Adrian, there’s been no contact. In the meantime, Finn put it out to the Team that he had given up his pursuit. It was over, he told them, and the team was broken up. Thank you, another time perhaps. He met a few of the team, informed others by e-mail. He wanted it known that he’d reached the end, whether it convinced anyone any more, or not.
We had silently slipped out of the country on the night after his lunch with Adrian. We left, thanks to one of Finn’s French friends who came over in a sailing boat with no motor and gave me just about the worst ten hours of my life. The seas were heavy, and I thought we would either sink or I would simply die of sea-sickness. But Finn and his bearded French fisherman buddy thought it was great fun.
Abduction or worse was a real fear. At around this time, a retired British colonel was shot and killed in what was an unmistakable assassination that took place in a small English village in Buckinghamshire. He happened to share the same name as the judge who had approved the application for asylum in Britain of Putin’s great enemy, Boris Berezovsky, years before. The judge lived in the same street. It was a case of mistaken identity, and though the colonel’s death was reported only in one Scottish newspaper, with a single column inch, this to Finn and me was ample evidence that Russian hit squads were back on the streets of Britain.
And then the dissident Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned in broad daylight in a London hotel, and whoever in Britain had tried to cover up the colonel’s death couldn’t keep this one out of the press. We knew that both of us were probably on a hit list somewhere in the Forest, where I’ve seen them use photographs of their targets for shooting practice.
By the end of the winter, Finn said he’d spoken to Dieter and that Dieter had contacted the German company Hammerein in an anonymous letter and had received information that they were putting their defences in place.
And then one day Willy turns up out of the blue and opens all the shutters in the restaurant and sweeps the sand away that has piled up against the doors in the course of winter storms. A posse of Polish women arrives and cleans up the rooms in the other huts and washes the cheap bedlinen.
Finn and I have lost weight, Willy tells us, but now he is doing the fishing things will be better.
Soon Willy’s summer guests, the hippies, arrive like migrating birds, in twos and threes. They come loaded with huge stripy plastic bags full of Indian clothes and trinkets, which they will sell at various hippy markets along the coast during the summer, and which keeps them in hash and whisky. Willy treats them like his naughty children and isn’t above cuffing them round the head if they get out of hand. Finn says Willy’s place is like a holiday home for dysfunctional kids, and that he feels right at home here.
Willy and Finn spend hours drinking beers and talking, while I start reading from the suitcase of new books that Willy has brought with him.
And then, on the third morning after Willy arrived, I realise that I am pregnant.
I don’t say anything for a few days. But I go into the local town with Willy and buy a kit to test myself. We stop at a café further up the street and I take the opportunity to do the test. It is positive, and I come out of the toilet at the back of the café clutching my bag of cosmetics to fool Willy, but the look in his eyes tells me I haven’t succeeded. He says nothing and neither do I. But when we get back to the beach and have lunch, Finn and I walk a mile or so along the edge of the sea and I tell him.
There is no hesitation, he literally jumps into the air with joy. If he had four legs, all of them would have left the ground. But I still ask him what he thinks we should do.
‘What do you mean?’ he says, and his joyful expression crashes for a moment. ‘Of course we want a baby,’ he says, then corrects himself. ‘I mean, don’t you, Anna?’
‘I’ve never wanted to have children,’ I say. ‘Not before.’
‘Well, of course not before, no. It would have been mad,’ he says, slightly madly. ‘But we’re free now. We have no jobs, no money, no home, no prospects and pretty much nothing at all. It’s the perfect moment.’
I laugh and then we can’t stop laughing.
A baby. I can hardly get the word out of my mouth.
Finn takes me by the shoulders.
‘Do you honestly think, darling, that you and I, of all people, can’t find a way to provide for something that eats mashed apples and is less than a foot long?’
‘That’s not how people normally see a baby,’ I reply.
‘Well, OK, no,’ he says. ‘Most people I know put their kids down for some school ten years before they’re born, they create Disneyland on one floor of a large house, then they sign it up for piano lessons, karate classes, swimming diplomas, extra maths, post-birth therapy, nannies and a nutrition expert. Other people seem capable of just having babies.’
‘Maybe there’s something in between,’ I say.
‘There must be.’
‘We aren’t safe, Finn.’
‘We’ll make ourselves safe.’
‘We need to think about this carefully,’ I say, and then I hug him. ‘I’m glad you’re so happy. I really am. Thank you.’
‘Aren’t you?’ he says.
‘I don’t know.’
‘You’ve always been a slow developer,’ he says.
We have supper that evening with Willy and Finn tells him. Willy says that he’d like to have a baby too, by which he means in his environment, I think, rather than literally.
Willy says, ‘He or she has a mother and a father and I’ll be his or her grandfather and I have cousins who’ll be cousins. How do you help a child to be happy, Anna? That’s all you need to think about, believe me. The rest will come.’
I think to myself that there is something about having two men, Willy and Finn, that makes the whole idea seem more palatable.
Later, back at the hut, Finn explains that it is an opportunity; that here we are being given this blessing, which also gives us the chance to do for our child what we missed ourselves as children. He says we would be the best parents, precisely because our own childhoods have been a mess.
‘We’re just the sort of people who should have children,’ he says. ‘We know what not to do.’
‘Either that, or we’ll end up doing what was done to us,’ I counter. ‘That’s pretty common.’
‘How can you say that!’ he says, genuinely aghast. ‘How could we behave in the way our parents behaved?’
‘Isn’t that what all parents say?’
‘I will love this child, Anna, in all the ways I wanted love,’ he says and puts his hand on my stomach.
I want to believe him and I decide to believe him then. Totally. We hold on to each other on this cold April night, with the burner spluttering in the background, and I feel that nothing can ever stand in the way of such happiness.
We stayed at the beach until the hippies departed again and winter set in. Unusually, Willy stayed after the end of summer and into the beginning of winter.
One day in November, Finn announced that he was going away for a few days.
‘Where?’ I asked him, unable to keep the fear out of my voice.
‘I have to see Frank. There are one or two things I still need to tie up,’ he said, so lightly that it hangs in the air between us. ‘Loose ends, that’s all.’
‘You want me to come?’
‘Of course, come, yes.’
He said it genuinely. And so I declined, content that it was something he’d like me to have done.
On the night before he left, Willy had the cook whom he’d retained after the end of the season make us a special dinner.
Afterwards, Willy said goodnight, and Finn and I walked up the beach. He was very calm, I remember, serene even. I couldn’t help noticing that. He was always like this before taking a risk.
But I took it to be the wine and us, that I was pregnant, and that we were beginning a new life. When we went back to the hut, we hardly slept all night. Finn said he didn’t want to go. I said nothing. But he left anyway.
He left around six-thirty in the morning, and Willy gave him a lift, hidden in the back of the van, to the railway station in Aix-en-Provence.