There are various problems in letting the generals run a battlefield. mainly, they pay too much attention to their budgets. Marcus Rubella, the tribune of the Fourth Cohort of Vigiles, was keyed up to solve the Ostian kidnappings ahead of rival troops. However, he had already been forced to authorise a light supper and night-soil removal for thirty unexpected prisoners. When he realised that as a result he now had to choose between giving them breakfast or providing the customary Saturnalia drinks to his own men next December, it was no contest. The thought that by evening the pirates would be eating supper at the expense of a new candelabrum in his Rome office clinched it. He had set his heart on improved lighting and had spotted a faux bronze upright four-branch model with an Ionian top which he thought would do just nicely. So Rubella scrutinised his meagre interrogation notes; he saw there was bugger all chance of making charges stick; and he let the Cilicians go. That said, Rubella was not stupid. Nor, possibly, was he corrupt. His brain, according to Petronius Longus, worked on different principles from those of normal human beings, but brain there was beneath that short-haired, low-profile cranium. In fact Petro regularly tried to persuade Scythax, the vigiles" doctor, that Marcus Rubella's brain needed maintenance, in the form of having a hole drilled through his skull for inspection purposes. Trepanation would have been a good idea for the normally pre scribed purposes. relieving pressure. Rubella liked to think. This was well known. He spent long hours in his office on the Aventine apparently doing nothing at all, but in rare moments when he confided in people, he claimed that his method as a cohort commander was to do the thinking other people chose to omit. According to him [and Petronius had been given the benefit of this theory at some length, at one of the cohort's legendary Saturnalia drinks parties] this method of leadership enabled Rubella to foresee problems, to anticipate criminal tendencies, and to plan cunning ambushes that other cohort commanders, with their less intellectual methods, would never achieve. Thus, on the next sunny morning when many of the vigiles were despairing of their leader's stupid action, we were informed that when he let the Cilicians walk, Marcus Rubella had had a clever plan. This plan had been formulated as a result of research he had conducted in the few days between me paying him that visit in Rome and him bringing his men to Ostia. In order to be at the top of his profession in the matter of outwitting pirates, or pirates" descendants, or ex pirates, the thinking man had been to a library and borrowed some scrolls. The cohort tribune was now an expert on Cilician habits and Cilician ways of thought.
Stuff their habits!" muttered Lucius Petronius, who was no fan of literary research when it came to men who strangled their associates out on lonely salt marshes. I want to see the bastards strung up on crosses where they can't do any more harm."
So do I," said Rubella [who as well as a working brain beneath the crewcut had two big ears, one each side of his head in the customary manner, and both as sharp as a bat's. Stop mouthing off to Falco like a schoolboy in the back row. And in any case what's bloody Falco doing here at my morning briefing?" Everyone looked at me. The vigiles were feeling extremely depressed, so picking on me came as light relief. They were usually friendly, but just at this moment each one of them would happily have seen me lightly roasted in a bread roll with a piquant dressing of fish pickle. I explained, with my informer's mild manners, that I had dropped into the patrol house to enquire what progress, if any, had been made in solving either the kidnappings or the killing of Theopompus. Rubella said to get lost. This was what I expected; he had a limited repertoire. I started to move away slowly, but when he began talking again I stayed put. Informers also have their traditions. Hanging around at briefings where we are not wanted is one of ours.
You may all think that I have gone crazy Rubella's men dutifully looked as if they were thinking Oh no, sir. I was thinking how glad I was not to be one of his men. Trust me. I've done the right homework. What you have to understand about Cilicians is that they pay great respect to their elders. They have key leaders who are called Tyrannical, that's a Greek concept, just equates to a local king; we Romans view tyrants in a rather different light, of course By now we all reckoned Rubella had finally gone crazy. Now whether they are on board ship, where they elect their captain, or on land, where their leaders are more territorial, the oldest tyrants are the ones they honour most. We happen to be holding one who is about as old as you can get. So although it seems as if I have made a mistake in letting the rest go free, have faith. I kept back the fellow who matters. We are still detaining Damagoras." Somebody cheered. Rubella could recognise a jibe; he glared. He glared at me, on principle, although I was not the culprit. Petronius was blunt. Damagoras claims he has retired."
And the rest all claim they are innocent!" Rubella retorted. I don't believe them either, Lucius Petronius." Petro sniffed, but had to allow the point.
I like the neatness of this," Rubella congratulated himself. The people who take hostages are faced with a hostage themselves. Damagoras is being held against their good behaviour. One slip, and their esteemed chief is for it." Rubella favoured us with a benign smile.
And to make sure we can find them again, I instructed them all not to leave town." Well, that was reassuring. Of course if the Cilicians did leave town, Rubella would in one sense be vindicated. The kidnappings would stop. Then the tribune would be able to claim he had eliminated an extortion racket using minimal manpower and with little impact on the budget. Either way, Damagoras would cost nothing to keep; now that he had people on the outside, they sent in provisions daily. The pirate chief would be living a life of luxury, his only complaint being that he had to stick in his cell. Still, it was already a beautifully furnished cell. Unfortunately for Rubella, almost at once proof arrived that the extortion would continue. While we were still at the briefing Helena Justina hurried to find me with some startling news. Holconius and Mutatus, the two scribes who commissioned me, had just arrived in Ostia from Rome, wanting my advice. The Daily Gazette had received a letter which said kidnappers had captured Diocles and removed him to Sardinia. His captors had now brought him back to Ostia and a large ransom was demanded. They ordered the scribes not to tell anybody of the ransom demand, and not to involve the vigiles.
Still, you appear to have done that," sneered Rubella.
It seemed vital you should know," Helena said, just managing to keep her temper. This is a chance to lie in wait and catch the ringleaders while the ransom is being paid." An ambush! Marcus Rubella, the thinking commander, was now a happy tribune.