“Dr. X, I presume,” Max said.
“Sorry… you must have the wrong stateroom,” Wai replied. “I’m Wai-pronounced ‘Y.’ ”
Max’s eyes narrowed. “I’m afraid your little game is up, Doctor,” he said. “You made one fatal mistake.”
Wai looked at him perplexedly. “Oh? What was that?”
“You-” Max frowned. He turned to 99. “What was that fatal mistake he made? It’s slipped my mind.”
“The check, Max.”
“Oh… yes.” He faced back to Wai. “As you will undoubtedly recall, less than a half-hour ago, you were sitting in the dining room with us having dinner. When-”
“I don’t recall that,” Wai said. “As far as I know, I’ve never seen any of you before in my whole life.”
Max scowled. “Don’t remember, eh? Well, let me see if I can refresh your memory. I was the rather handsome gentleman sitting at your left. My associate here, 99, was at your right. And this Mexican Hairless was under the table.”
“I’m sure I would remember that-if it ever happened,” Wai said. “No, I believe you have the wrong man.”
Max turned to 99 again. “Do you remember it, 99?”
“Very clearly, Max.”
“Fang?” Max asked.
“Rorff!”
“Yes, that’s right, you wouldn’t have been able to see his face, would you? Not from under the table. Well, how about his shoes? Do you remember his shoes?”
“Rorff!”
Max addressed Wai again. “Would you lift your trousers just a bit?” he said. “Fang would like to get a look at your sox.”
Wai complied.
“Rorff!”
“There, that settles it!” Max said. “Fang never forgets a sock.”
Wai sighed. “Well, for the sake of argument, I suppose we can say you’re right,” he said. “Actually, I may have been there. I have a very poor memory. There are those who say I’m a bit absent-minded. Though, off hand, I can’t recall who they are.”
Max, somewhat confused, put a hand to his forehead. “Can anybody recall what I was saying when I got sidetracked?” he asked.
“The check, Max,” 99 said.
“Yes… the check. That check, when you signed it, X, was your fatal mistake.”
“Sorry about that,” Wai said. “Forget to add in the tip again, did I? It happens all the time.” He reached into his pocket. “Let me make it up to you.”
“It’s a lit-tle bit too late for that,” Max said.
“Well then, next time. I’ll see that you get a double tip next time.”
“There won’t be a next time,” Max said. “As I said before, your little game is up. When you signed that check, you signed it with an ‘X’.”
“Oh, drat!” Wai said. “Did I do that again!”
“A-ha! You admit, then, that you are the diabolical Dr. X!”
“I admit to the Dr. X,” Dr. X replied. “But ‘diabolical’-I think that’s putting it on a bit thick. Fact is, I’m just a simple, harmless scientist. And, you can’t even prove that.”
“Oh, can’t we? What about those six guinea pigs, Doctor?”
“Six guinea pigs?”
“Six guinea pigs in a public locker.”
“Public locker?”
“Six guinea pigs in a public locker in the small lounge on A Deck.”
“Oh… those guinea pigs.” He looked at Max warily. “Did you see them?”
“Of course not.”
Dr. X sighed defeatedly. “Well then, I guess there’s no point in denying it. All right, I admit it. I am the diabolical Dr. X. And I do have six invisible guinea pigs stashed in a public locker in the small lounge on A Deck. But-the question is-what do you intend to do about it?”
“That’s not very kind of you,” Max said, hurt. “I was doing rather well until you brought up that question.”
“It wouldn’t do you any good at all to snitch on me,” Dr. X pointed out. “Who would believe you?”
“You forget, Doctor-I know where the evidence is stashed.”
“Six invisible guinea pigs? Who would take your word for that? The Captain?”
“Doctor, I’m going to be big about this,” Max said. “I’m willing to make a deal.”
“Not interested,” Dr. X said.
“Then let me appeal to your better nature, Doctor. You know, inside every bad guy there is a good guy trying to get out. Open your heart, Doctor, and let that good guy free.”
“Nonsense. KAOS will pay me a fortune for my serum.”
“Money, Doctor, cannot buy a good name.”
“Nonsense again. Money can buy a lot of good names-General Motors stock, Ford Thunderbird, a Tiffany diamond, Wrigley’s spearmint, Nabisco shredded wheat… oodles of good names.”
“Yes, Doctor, but how will you feel when you’re driving your Ford Thunderbird, clipping coupons from your General Motors stock, admiring your Tiffany diamond, chewing your Wrigley’s spearmint, and pouring cream on your Nabisco shredded wheat, and you hear someone in the crowd say, ‘There goes the diabolical Dr. X-rich in material goods, but poor in spirit’?”
“I’ll feel fine,” Dr. X replied. “I’ll buy the fellow and have him shot.”
“Doctor, I’m beginning to suspect that you do not have a little good guy inside you who is trying to get out.”
“That’s quite observant of you, Max.”
“Then there is nothing I can say that will make you consider the deal I have to offer?”
“I’m not in the least interested.”
Max pulled his pistol. “Then does this interest you?” he said.
Dr. X studied the little round hole in the end of the barrel for a second, then replied, “That interests me.”
“I knew if I kept trying I’d find your weak spot,” Max said. “Now then, here is my deal. You will turn over the formula for the invisibility serum to me. And, I, in turn-”
“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” Dr. X said.
Max raised the pistol. “Still impossible?”
“Yes, unfortunately. The formula no longer exists.”
“I find that hard to believe, Doctor. Didn’t you write it down?”
“Yes. But I wrote it down on the back of a grocery list. And then-well, I’ve already explained how absent-minded I am. I saw that old grocery list lying around, and I tore it up.”
“But can’t you remember the formula?”
“I can’t even remember not to sign my own name.”
Max nodded. “I believe you.”
“Then, Max, our mission is accomplished!” 99 said. “If there’s no written formula, and if Dr. X can’t remember it, then he has nothing to sell to KAOS!”
“I don’t think it’s quite that simple, 99,” Max replied. “Dr. X isn’t sailing to Europe just for the fun of getting there.”
“No, getting there is only half the fun,” Dr. X admitted.
“And the other half is the money,” Max said. “Dr. X still has something to sell. Am I right, Doctor?”
“All I’ll give you is my name, rank and serial number,” Dr. X replied gruffly.
Max raised the pistol again.
“My name, rank and serial number and anything else you want to know,” Dr. X said.
“All right, Doctor-besides those six invisible guinea pigs, what else are you taking to KAOS?”
Dr. X went to the chest, opened a drawer, and took out a hypodermic. “This,” he said.
“That hypodermic needle?”
“It isn’t just any old hypodermic needle,” Dr. X replied. “It contains a dosage of my invisibility serum.”
“I see,” Max said. “It’s all becoming quite clear, Doctor. Your intention is to deliver that serum to the KAOS laboratory. There, the KAOS scientists will break the serum down into its component parts. And, with that information, they will be able to reconstruct the formula.”
“You guessed it,” Dr. X smiled.
“But, as I said twice before, your little game is up, Doctor. That serum will never reach the KAOS labs. I intend to destroy it.”
“Stand back!” Dr. X warned.
“I haven’t moved,” Max said.
“But you were thinking about it!” Dr. X charged. “And, if you take one step in this direction, I will inject myself with the serum and become instantly invisible!”
Max smiled. “I don’t think you’ll do that, Doctor.”
“Cross my heart!” Dr. X warned.
“No, I repeat, I don’t think you’ll do that. You see-absent-mindedly, I suppose-you forgot to fill the hypodermic with serum. It’s empty.”
“I did not forget!” Dr. X said peevishly. “I specifically remember doing it. Right after breakfast. I got up about seven. Then I showered and dressed. Then I went down to the dining room and had the Morning Special. I sat with one of the other scientists-a Dr. Zee. He had a very interesting story to tell. It seems he keeps finding some oaf in his stateroom, and he can’t figure out what he’s doing there. He keeps asking the fellow-‘Vot you doink in mine staderoom?’ he keeps saying. But the fellow won’t answer. Then, after breakfast, I went for my morning stroll on deck. Met an interesting chap. Had an interesting story to tell. Seems he’s setting up a syndicate to trade candy bars for Picassos. I tried to invest in the scheme-but he wouldn’t let me in on it. That’s the way it is when a fellow gets a good thing going. Still, it was an interesting story, and it made my morning. I was feeling in fine fettle when I returned to my stateroom. So, the first thing I did, I filled the hypodermic with invisibility serum. I remember it as well as if it were only this morning. So don’t try to tell me that the hypodermic is empty.”
“Take a look for yourself, Doctor.”
Dr. X looked.
“Empty!” he shrieked.
“I hate to be an I-told-you-so, but-”
“It evaporated!” Dr. X moaned.
“Pardon?”
“I know I put it in there!” Dr. X insisted. “I’m sure! I’m positive! I specifically remember doing it. Right after breakfast. I got up about seven. Then I showered and dressed. Then I went down to the dining room-”
“Yes, yes, we know about your morning,” Max said. “But what about the serum?”
“Evaporated! Gone!” Dr. X sobbed. “Apparently when it’s exposed to the air it just disappears. I’m ruined! My money! Gone! My General Motors stock, my Thunderbird, my Wrigley’s spearmint! Gone!”
“Well… there are days that are like that,” Max said sympathetically.
“Ruined” Dr. X wailed. Angrily, he flung the hypodermic out the porthole.
“Ah, ah… temper, temper,” Max cautioned.
Dr. X sat down on his bunk and wept. “I’m nobody! Just plain old Dr. X again!”
“Fame is fickle,” Max said consolingly.
“Max…” 99 said.
“Yes, 99?”
“Max… what’s all that commotion outside? Hear that?”
Max listened. “Voices… running… could it be the posse again?”
“I don’t think so, Max. It sounds different.”
“I’ll check on it,” Max said.
He went to the porthole and put his head out the opening.
“What is it, Max?”
Max pulled his head back in. “Passengers,” he replied. “They’re a bit excited.”
“Why, Max? What happened?”
Max turned to Dr. X. “As it turns out,” he said, “your serum didn’t evaporate, Doctor.”
Dr. X stared at him, red-eyed from weeping. “But I saw it myself. It wasn’t there.”
“What you mean is, you didn’t see it.”
“That’s what I said-it wasn’t there.”
“Oh, it was there, all right, Doctor. But, you were right about one thing. Exposure to the air did have an effect on it. It made it invisible.”
“My serum? It turned on itself?”
“Exactly. When you threw that hypodermic out the porthole, it was still full of serum. Unfortunately, you have a good arm. The hypodermic cleared the deck and landed in the ocean.”
“And now-?”
“Yes. That was what all the yelling was about. The ocean-as far as the naked eye can discern-has disappeared.”
“Then what is the ship floating on, Max?” 99 said.
“Oh, the ocean is still there,” Max said. “It’s just invisible.”
99 frowned. “That’s a little hard to imagine, Max.”
“Think of it as six guinea pigs,” he suggested.
99 frowned harder. “Yes, that helps,” she said. “Now, I can imagine it.”
“Ruined!” Dr. X moaned.
“You moaned that before,” Max said.
“I’m ruined again. This is the second time.”
“Yes, twice in one day is something to moan about,” Max admitted. “But, it shouldn’t be a surprise. After all, ruin, dishonor and cloudy skies are the usual result of trying to play ball with the Forces of Evil. Or, as a great philosopher once put it: Bad Guys Never Win!”
“I’ve learned my lesson,” Dr. X sobbed. “I’ll never experiment with invisibility again. I’ll stick to what I know-formulas for cake mixes.”
“You mean-?”
“Yes,” Dr. X replied, “that’s my regular work. I developed the invisibility formula by accident. I was working on a mix for an upside-down cake. Only, I got it wrong side up. I didn’t want to waste the batter I had left, though. So I added a few drops of coloring and just a pinch of salt-hoping that would turn it right side up-upside-down, that is.”
“But it didn’t work.”
“No. The whole thing disappeared. That’s when I realized that I had developed an invisibility serum.”
“That’s too bad,” Max said. “The world could use a good upside-down cake mix.”
“Maybe I’ll try again someday,” Dr. X said. “In a few years-after this episode today has become nothing but a bitter memory.”
“Well, good luck,” Max said, extending a hand. “It’s been a pleasant mission, Doctor. You’ve been a worthy adversary.”
“Nice of you to say so,” Dr. X replied, smiling, taking Max’s hand. “I hope we-”
Like a stone, Dr. X dropped to the floor.
“Your ring, Max,” 99 said. “You injected him with the paralyzing drug.”
Max looked down at the unconscious Dr. X. “Sorry about that,” he said.
“Shouldn’t we do something for him, Max?” 99 said.
“No. After what he’s been through today, he can probably use the rest,” Max said. “Let’s just tiptoe out. It’s the kindest thing we could do.”
In a kindly way, Max, 99 and Fang tiptoed out.
Max closed the stateroom door, then they walked down the corridor, and, a few moments later, stepped out on deck.
“It’s morning!” 99 said, surprised. “We were up all night!”
“Yes, there’s the rosy-fingered dawn,” Max said, “Gorgeous, isn’t it?”
“Lovely,” 99 sighed blissfully. “And, just think, Max-now we can enjoy it. Our mission is accomplished. For the next few days, we can relax and enjoy the cruise.”
“At least, what you can see of it from the brig,” a voice from behind them said.
As one, Max, 99 and Fang whipped around. Confronting them were the Captain and the nosy steward.
“Top o’ the morning to you, Captain,” Max said cheerily. “And the bottom o’ the morning to you, steward,” he added.
“They’re the ones who did it, Captain,” the steward said.
“I doubt it,” the Captain answered. “I don’t think they could handle it. Even if that is what happened.”
“What are we talking about?” Max asked.
“The ocean,” the Captain replied. “There’s a theory afoot that it’s been stolen.”
“I see. But you don’t believe it.”
“That’s pretty far-fetched,” the Captain said.
“I’ll go along with that,” Max said.
“It’s obvious what really happened,” the Captain said. “I told them back at the office that some day this was going to happen. If we keep driving these big ships back and forth through the ocean, I told them, some day it’s bound to happen.”
“What was bound to happen, Captain?”
“We wore it out,” the Captain replied. “You can’t drive a bunch of big ships back and forth through an ocean, year after year after year, and not expect it to finally wear out. It’s only water, you know. It’s not made of iron.”
“I see the logic of that,” Max said.
“Oh, well, no matter,” the Captain smiled. “It’ll be deductible from our income tax. Depreciation.”
“All’s well that ends well,” Max smiled.
“My sentiments exactly,” the Captain said. He turned to the steward. “Take these three to the brig.”
“Max-do something!” 99 begged. “I don’t want to spend the cruise in the brig!”
“Do you have any suggestions?” he said.
“Can’t we tell them who we really are, Max? What harm is there in it? After all, our mission is accomplished.”
“Rule 301, 99. A secret agent must never reveal his identity.”
“Oh, hang Rule 301!”
“Well, as a matter of fact, there is a qualifying clause to Rule 301,” Max said. “Let’s see… how does it go? Oh, yes! Rule 301, Clause A: ‘A secret agent must never reveal his identity unless it would be inconvenient not to do so.’ I think this situation is covered by that clause.”
“Tell them, Max”
“Captain… steward…” Max said, “… inconvenience forces me to reveal our true identities. The fact is, we are not a brilliant space scientist, his attractive assistant, and a scientific experiment. The truth of the matter is, we are dedicated secret agents, operating out of Control.”
“You’re out of control, all right, if you expect me to believe that,” the Captain said.
“If you won’t believe me, will you believe my assistant?” Max asked.
“She’s a pretty little thing,” the Captain said, “but those kind always tell the biggest whoppers.”
“All right, then, would you believe my dog?”
“Rorff!” Fang barked.
“That’s closer to it,” the Captain said. “But I’m still nagged by a pinch of a doubt.”
“Then,” Max said hopefully, “would you believe the Chief?”
“That guy in the Injun Room? Why should I believe him? He sold me a ballpoint pen that burns holes in the paper everytime I try to write a check.”
“This is a different Chief,” Max explained. “The Chief I’m referring to is head of Control.”
“Well… I’ll listen to his story,” the Captain said. “Where is he?”
“Back on the mainland,” Max replied.
The Captain turned to the steward again. “Lock ’em up.”
“Hold it!” Max said. “In spite of the fact that the Chief is hundreds-nay, thousands-of miles away, I am still able to communicate with him.”
“How?” the Captain said dubiously.
“I’ll call him on my shoe,” Max replied.
“Lock ’em up!”
“Hold it again!” Max protested. “You didn’t give me a chance to explain. You see, in fact, my shoe is really a telephone.”
The Captain smiled. “After you get out of the brig,” he said, “you’ll have to drop by my stateroom. I have a compass up there that will interest you. It’s really a dozen-and-a-half avocado pears.”
“Just let me prove to you that my shoe is a telephone,” Max said. “That’s all I ask-the chance to call the Chief on my shoe.”
The Captain rolled his eyes heavenward. “Granted,” he said.
Max removed his shoe, then dialed.
Max: Hello, Chief? This is Agent 86. Come in, please.
(silence)
Max: Chief? Are you there, Chief? Come in, Chief! This is Max. Please come in, Chief. The fate of an entire cruise hangs in the balance.
(silence)
Max hung up his shoe. “It seems we’ve lost contact,” he said to the Captain. “I was afraid that might happen when we got this far out to sea.”
“Are you sure?” the Captain said. “Maybe the Chief didn’t hear his phone ringing. Maybe he was in the shower.”
“Nooooo, I’m afraid I’ve lost contact.”
“You didn’t drop a dime in the heel,” the Captain said. “Maybe that’s what went wrong.”
“Captain, believe me, I have lost contact.”
“You’re giving up too easily,” the Captain said. “Let me try it.”
Max took off his shoe and handed it to the Captain. The Captain dialed.
Captain: Hello, Chief? You there? This is the Captain speaking. Come in.
Chief: What-um want-um, Cap?
Captain: I’ll tell you what I want-a little matter of five bucks for a ballpoint pen that burns holes in my checks!
Chief: Sposed to use-um ballpoint pen under water-um, Cap. Water-um put-um out fire.
Captain: How can I do that? No water. The last ship that went through here wore it out completely.
Chief: Caveat emptor, Cap.
Captain: What does that mean?
Chief: You give-um me back Manhattan Island, I give-um you back five bucks you pay-um for pen.
Captain: Listen, Chief, I’m not the kind who pulls rank, but…
The debate continued.
“Max, do you think the Captain is really going to throw us back in the brig?” 99 said.
“I don’t think he’ll get around to it, 99,” Max replied. “The way this is going, I suspect he’ll be on the phone for the rest of the trip.”
99 yawned. “I’m tired, Max.”
“Better turn in for a nap,” Max said.
“Rorff!”
“All right, you, too, Fang.”
“Aren’t you coming, Max?” 99 said.
Max sighed wearily. “No,” he said, looking painfully at the Captain. “I have to wait for my shoe.”