Naomi Wilson, formerly Naomi Shiloh, hadn’t exaggerated about her size. She wore a loose yellow dress and a coral-colored sweater that was left open to accommodate her huge belly. She was standing at the edge of the well-tended play yard of the day-care center, watching the children.
When she saw me coming, I saw her take my measure: my height, the black leather jacket I’d thought would be best against autumn out West.
“You must be Sarah,” she said. “Call me Naomi.”
Her hair was darker than Shiloh’s, and I didn’t see much of his features in her open, sweet face. But demeanor, of course, is part of appearance. The older we get, the more our faces reflect our lives and our thoughts. And already it was clear that Naomi and Shiloh were worlds apart on that count.
“Do you mind talking out here?” Naomi gestured at a picnic table nearby. Obviously she was comfortable in her sweater, used to being outside with the kids. “I can have Marie come out, if you’d rather go inside.”
“Outside is all right,” I said.
“Can I get you something first? Some tea or water? Apple juice? Graham crackers?” She smiled at her joke.
“Coffee would be good,” I said.
“We don’t actually have any,” she said apologetically.
Too late I remembered Shiloh telling me that in Utah, where 75 percent of the population is Mormon, even the soda fountains served caffeine-free cola.
“Right,” I said. “I’m okay, really.”
At the table, it took a moment for her to comfortably adjust herself.
“Is this your ninth month?” I asked.
“Seventh.”
“Twins?”
She nodded. “It runs in the family.”
“Where does your twin sister live?”
“She’s still in school,” Naomi said. “Bethany didn’t go straight through college in four years like I did.”
I was about to get to the point at hand, but Naomi focused thoughtfully on me as though I’d suddenly materialized. “So Mike is married,” she said. “I don’t know why, but that surprises me.”
“Yeah?”
“He was always kind of a loner,” she said.
“He still is, in a way. Before he went missing, he was supposed to be going to the FBI Academy in Virginia. That would have kept him away from home for four months, but I understood.”
“He was going to be an FBI agent?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow,” she said. “That’s amazing.” Naomi even laughed. “Mike, an agent of the FBI.”
“Why does that surprise you? You knew he was a cop.”
“True,” she said. “I know, it’s just…”
“Was he wild as a kid?”
“You know…” She glanced upward slightly, the way people do when accessing memories. “I don’t really know. That was kind of the impression I got, growing up.”
“From your folks?”
“Yeah, and from Adam and Bill. But now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t remember anything specific that they said. Maybe I just assumed anyone who left home so young was a rule-breaker.”
“An outlaw,” I said.
“Yes,” she said. “How did you two meet?”
Naomi seemed more interested in Shiloh’s life in Minnesota than in his disappearance. Maybe that was only natural. To her and her family, Shiloh had already disappeared, in a sense.
“Through work,” I said. “I’m a cop.”
“I should have guessed,” she said. “You look kind of like a police officer, I mean, you’re-”
“Tall, I know,” I said, smiling at her. “When was the last time you spoke to Mike?” I asked. It was time to get down to business. If I knew what my business in Utah was at all.
“I don’t talk to him at all,” Naomi said, mildly surprised. “I get Christmas cards from him.”
“But you were the one in your family who tracked him down,” I said. “The two of you seem to have the closest relationship.”
“I wouldn’t say close,” she said. “He left home when I was only eight years old.”
“Why’d you start looking for him?” I asked.
She considered. “In our family, I was kind of the record-keeper. Family’s important to me. Well, it was to all of us. But I’ve always been the one who took pictures at family gatherings and put the albums together. I guess that’s why, when I was a senior in high school, I started to think about Mike and whether it might be possible to find him.”
“Did you use one of those Internet people-finder services?”
Naomi shook her head. “That was too expensive, with the money I had then. I just did what I could. I had a lot of friends, and whenever they’d go out of town, I’d ask them to look in city phone books. It’s not a common name, Shiloh. Eventually, my friend Diana called from Minneapolis and said she’d seen a Michael Shiloh in the white pages, just a number, no address.
“I was too shy to call the phone number, so I called directory assistance. I said, ‘I know you can’t give me an address, but is this the M. Shiloh on Fifth Street?’ I picked that street name at random. And the operator said, ‘No, I’m showing an address on 28th Avenue.’ So I was really excited then. It was like a project. I had Diana ask her cousin back there to look through voter-registration records, and his whole address was there.”
“I wish everyone I worked with on the job had your initiative,” I told her. I wasn’t just flattering her; her dedication was impressive.
Naomi looked pleased. “I was a freshman in college by then. I wrote him a letter, although I was trying not to get my hopes up. Then, three weeks later, I got a letter.
“It wasn’t a long letter, but I must have reread it four times. I just couldn’t believe I’d found him. He hadn’t been a real person to me up until that moment. He had this funny writing, all caps, kind of spiky.”
“I know,” I said. “What did he say?”
“He mostly answered the questions I’d written to him. He said that yes, it was him, and he wrote a little about his ‘lost years.’ The time he’d spent working around Montana and Illinois and Indiana and, what? Wisconsin, I think.
“He said that he’d gotten a GED instead of finishing high school, and that now he was on the police force. He told me he liked Minneapolis but wasn’t sure he was going to settle there permanently. And ‘I’m not, nor have I ever been married.’ I thought that was a funny way to put it, like he was up in front of a Senate panel.” Naomi paused, thinking. “He said that I shouldn’t rush into marriage and motherhood. He thought I should take some time off from school and see the world, or at least America. Get some perspective on things. And then he told me to ‘study hard.’ ” Her eyes narrowed, looking at something over my shoulder. “Sorry, I’ll be right back.”
I turned and put one leg back over the bench, watching as Naomi went to referee a dispute over a piece of playground equipment. It took a few minutes for her to sort things out and soothe the hurt feelings, and then she walked back to me.
“Where was I?” she said.
“You’d just gotten your first letter from him.”
“Right,” she said. “Well, it seemed like a promising start to me. So I wrote him back, and he wrote me. And back and forth, a couple of times. I wrote him almost immediately after I’d get one of his letters, but usually there was a wait for his answers to my letters.
“Finally I wrote to ask him if, since he wasn’t sure he was going to put down roots in Minnesota, did he think he might ever come home to Utah? I asked him why he’d stayed away so long and said that everyone would probably be happy if he came back, at least for a visit. He never answered that letter. Six weeks later, I decided to call him.” She smiled, but with a slightly wry look. “So I did. He picked up, and I said, Hi, this is Naomi.
“He said something like ‘Yes, Naomi?’ and I thought he didn’t know who I was. I said, Your sister Naomi, and he said, ‘I know.’
“I was starting to feel uncomfortable. He was totally different on the phone than in his letters. I said something to the effect that I’d just called to talk and he said, ‘About what?’ ”
I felt embarrassed on her behalf, because I could so easily hear Shiloh’s cool voice saying it.
“I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I was really embarrassed. I managed to get off the phone without hanging up on him outright, but it wasn’t smooth. I never did that again.” Naomi laughed a little, as if still embarrassed.
“I didn’t contact him again until Dad died. The awful thing was, Mom had died a year earlier, and I hadn’t called him. It’s so awful to say it slipped my mind, but I was really broken up and I just didn’t think about Mike at all. The next year, when Dad died, I’d been through it before, so in a way it was easier. And I had Rob. We were engaged then, and he was really supportive.
“Mike had moved by then, and he was unlisted, but I left a message with him at the police department and he called me.” She paused, remembering. “It was very different from the other time I’d called him. He was really kind.” She smiled. “When I told him the news, he asked me how I was doing and how I was feeling, about Bethany, and so forth. I told him about the funeral arrangements, and”-she looked rueful-“I guess I just assumed he was coming. Looking back, I can’t remember that he ever said he was. So the day of the funeral came, and he wasn’t there. He just sent a flower arrangement. I’ve got to admit, I was hurt. Not on my behalf, but on the whole family’s.”
I remembered the flowers. The florist had called the house with a question about the order, and if it hadn’t been for that, I wouldn’t have known his father had died at all. I’d asked him why he wasn’t going back to the funeral, and offered to go with him. Shiloh had refused and had brushed off further questions.
On the day of the funeral, Shiloh had more or less stayed drunk, and for weeks afterward he’d been such intolerable company that I took to volunteering for extra shifts at work and spending free time with Genevieve and Kamareia.
“Naomi,” I said, “your father’s death hit him a lot harder than you might have realized.”
Naomi glanced up at me. In retelling the family history, she’d forgotten that I was someone who lived with Shiloh and was a witness to his daily life.
“Well,” she said, “anyway, two months later, when Rob and I got married, he sent us a gift. I’d forgotten that I’d even mentioned the wedding to him when we’d talked on the phone.” A breeze ruffled Naomi’s dark hair and she brushed it back into place. “It was a beautiful leather-bound photo album. It was like he knew I liked to make up family albums, even though I’d never mentioned it. It was a perfect gift. But no note. After that we started exchanging Christmas cards again, but his are just signed. There’s nothing personal about them.” Her voice dropped a little lower. “I guess I don’t really understand him at all.”
“He can be hard to understand,” I agreed. “Or, to be honest, he can be a-” Don’t say prick “-a heel.”
Naomi giggled. “But you married him!” she said, a little shocked at my spousal disloyalty. Then the laughter dried up and she was serious.
“Is he really missing?” she asked, as if I hadn’t made that patently clear.
“Yeah, he is,” I said.
A squall rose from the playground and this time we both turned. A little blond boy sat, legs akimbo, in the gravel. Blood was springing up from a fresh scrape on his elbow. Scratched elbows and knees: the common colds of childhood.
This time I followed Naomi. She took a travel-size package of tissues out of her sweater and pressed them to the boy’s blood-smeared skin.
Around him, other children had formed a semicircle to look on, miniature versions of the people I saw on the job, the ones who stopped everything to watch at accident and crime scenes.
“This might take a little while. I’ve got to take him inside to the bathroom.” Naomi made her voice higher and brighter. “What’re all those tears for, Bobby? Everything is just fine.”
“I understand,” I told her over the sound of Bobby’s subsiding whimpers.
“Maybe you could come over tonight, for dinner, and we could talk some more.”
That was exactly what I’d been planning to suggest after our meeting here was finished, and now I didn’t have to. “That’d be good,” I said. “If you have pictures of Shiloh, anything of his, high-school yearbooks, I’d like to see them.”
“Sure. I have lots of family pictures.” She lifted Bobby by the arm.
“Before I go,” I said, “I need something to do with the rest of the day, and I was hoping to talk to your older brothers and Bethany, ask them a few basic questions. I need to know when they saw him last, or spoke to him last. Do you have their daytime phone numbers available?”
Naomi, half bent to hold Bobby’s arm, shot me a harried but thoughtful glance. “I think I can tell you the answer to those questions. They haven’t spoken to him for years, since before I tracked Mike down. I know I’m the only one in the family who was persistent about finding him.”
“That was pretty clear from what you’ve said today,” I told her. “But I have to make sure. I’m just being thorough.”
“Come with me,” Naomi said, starting to lead the boy toward the building. “I know all their numbers by heart. I can write them down for you.”
A cab picked me up outside the day-care center about a half hour later. Asked for a recommendation, the driver took me to a family-run two-story motel in downtown Salt Lake City. “I don’t need to be near Temple Square,” I told her. “I’m not a tourist.”
“Still, it’s worth seeing while you’re here,” she said.
“Maybe next time,” I said.
I knew what the afternoon held. Whenever you really need to reach people, it seems that invariably you only reach answering machines.
I prepared for this by getting a vending-machine sandwich and a Coke and some ice from the hallway dispensers, fortifying myself for a long wait. Then, in the room, I dialed the work numbers of Shiloh’s siblings, reached a grand total of none of them, and left messages. Then I ate lunch and dozed off waiting for return calls.
I must have slept deeply, because when the phone woke me and a man’s voice responded to mine, I said “Shiloh?” just as I had with Vang.
“This is Adam Shiloh, yes,” the voice said, sounding a little bemused at the familiarity of my address. “Is this Sarah Pribek?”
“Sorry,” I said, sitting up on the edge of the bed. “You sound like… like your brother.”
“Mike? I wouldn’t know. It’s been years, literally years, since I’ve spoken to him.” I heard the noise of an office intercom behind; he’d called me from work. “I suppose that’s a regrettable thing,” he went on.
We talked briefly about Shiloh, but it was clear to me early on that Adam, who’d lived in Washington State for the last six years, knew nothing about his brother’s adult life. I heard a woman’s voice in the background, rising above generic office noise. The words were indistinct to me except for the last: coming?
“I’ve got a meeting to go to,” Adam Shiloh told me. “But if there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know,” he said.
“Thanks, I’ll remember that,” I said.
An hour later Bethany Shiloh called from her dormitory in Southern Utah. We traveled the same territory, even more briefly, that I had with Adam. No, she hadn’t seen or spoken to Shiloh since he’d left home. She didn’t know any old friends of his. She wished to meet me, someday, after “all this is over.”
I hung up and took out my legal pad, then realized I had nothing to write. Talking to both Adam and Bethany was progress only in the sense that those conversations had been necessary to my investigation, not in the sense that they’d given me information that had helped.
Shiloh’s siblings had one thing in common. They all seemed very calm about his disappearance. But then, they hadn’t seen him in years; maybe that was to be expected. I couldn’t judge them. I probably seemed to be taking things a little too calmly, too. From the outside.
Naomi and her husband, Robert, lived on the outskirts of the city in a single-level house. I turned up at the predetermined hour, and Naomi greeted me at the door in the same dress I’d seen her wearing earlier.
“I looked around for things of Shiloh’s, like you mentioned, but I really only have my albums,” she said. “We could look at them after dinner, if you can wait.”
“I thought I heard someone at the door.” A young man came into the entryway. He was tall and lean, with blond hair and green eyes; an extraordinarily handsome man, I thought. “Is this your sister-in-law?”
“Right, this is Sarah,” Naomi said. “Sarah, this is my husband, Robert.”
“Call me Rob,” he said. He held a slotted fork: Rob was doing the cooking tonight.
Over dinner, Rob asked me a number of questions about being a sheriff’s detective. Eventually, Naomi asked specifically about Shiloh’s case.
I told them how Shiloh had disappeared, or rather, how I’d discovered him to be missing without finding the usual indicators of what had happened to him. I tried not to paint the situation as black as it probably was, whether to comfort her or me, I didn’t know.
“Leave the dishes,” Naomi told her husband after dinner. “I’m going to show Sarah some things, and we’ll probably need to talk, but I’ll get them later.”
I followed her down a hallway into the house’s spare bedroom, newly converted into a nursery. There was a rocking chair in it already; the other chair looked as though it had been conscripted into service from the living room for my visit.
“This was our storage room,” Naomi explained. “There’s still a lot of stuff in the closet.” However, she’d taken several albums out of the closet. Now she scooped them up from the chair they were resting on and set them on an ottoman between us.
“The first one is probably the one of most interest to you,” she said. “There’s a lot of stuff from when the six of us were growing up.”
I sat in the rocking chair and started looking.
The album told a time-honored story for which no words were needed. It began with pictures from a courtship: the yet-unmarried Shilohs at a lake together, in a larger group of young people, at a church event.
Then came marriage, a bridal party outside a church. A bride with her proud mother and sister. A nervous groom with his men; you could almost hear the jocular laughter. The first home. Babies. Children. Shiloh, his reddish hair in a child’s impersonal buzz cut. Shiloh with his older brothers, outdoors quite a bit. The appearance of the twin girls, Naomi and Bethany. I watched Shiloh growing from a skinny child to a lanky teen, his face shifting from a child’s characterless openness to that pensive, guarded expression characteristic of the man I knew. If I’d been alone I might have studied those photos all night, but they were teaching me nothing helpful and I turned the pages faster.
Then I flipped back a page. “Who’s that?”
Naomi leaned closer to look at the photo I was pointing at. The whole family stood against an unnatural blue backdrop, in a traditional studio portrait. In it, the teenage Shiloh stood next to a girl nearly as tall as he was. If Shiloh’s hair was the color of old copper, hers was bright new copper, worn loose and long. She wore a white scoop-neck dress and didn’t smile.
“Sinclair. She’s two years older than Mike, four years younger than Adam.”
Six kids, I thought. I’d heard about the two older brothers, and of Naomi and her twin, Bethany. And then Shiloh made five. I’d never quite realized that didn’t add up. “Where is she in all the other pictures?”
“Well, she is in some of them, but for most of her life she didn’t live with us,” Naomi said. “She was deaf from birth, so she was away at school.” She flipped backwards in the album. “Here, she’s in the background, see.”
Naomi was looking at a Christmas-dinner photo, a hectic kitchen scene. I had taken the little girl with bright red curls for a visiting relative.
“I never knew Shiloh had a sister who was deaf,” I said.
“Really?” she said. “That’s funny, because they were close.”
“I’m sure that he didn’t mention her.”
“We didn’t have her around for all that long. She came home to live at seventeen and left at eighteen. Kind of abruptly.”
“Tell me about it,” I prompted.
Naomi sat back. “Well, Bethany and I never knew her much at all. We only got to know Mike a little better.” She placed a hand on her gravid belly. “While we were growing up, Sinclair was at a school for the deaf. I guess she used to come home summers at first, but that was before my time. Later, when she got used to living with deaf people, and had friends at school, she started staying away over the summer, and just came home at winter break. Bethany and I would have to get reintroduced to her; we were five, six. Mom would say, ‘This is your sister, remember?’ and we’d be like ‘Okay, hi!’ It was like she was some visiting cousin.
“When Bethany and I were six, Sinclair was seventeen. In a year or two she’d be in college or married, and Mom wanted to bring her home for a while before that.
“We’ve always been a close-knit family; I guess I said that earlier today, didn’t I?” Naomi asked. “It was hard on Mom to have Sinclair living away from home most of the year. She and my dad decided she could make it in a public school with the help of a translator from the district, and so they brought her home.
“Anyway, I guess things didn’t go as hoped. None of us were that good at sign language. Except Mike. He was the family translator. But Sinclair wasn’t too happy to be home, she was… well, I don’t really know the details. But within a year she left.”
“She ran away?”
“Sort of. She was eighteen, but it was in the middle of the school year, I think. She didn’t waste any time.” Naomi was still looking at the photo. “When Mike left, they blamed it on her.”
“He left when he was seventeen, so that would have been a year later.”
“Yeah. But it was partly because of her. Mike got in trouble for letting her back into the house. She needed a place to stay, and he sneaked her inside without anyone knowing.”
“And your folks kicked him out? Just for that?” I hadn’t realized Shiloh’s parents were so authoritarian.
“I don’t think they made him leave,” she said uncertainly. But she wasn’t sure. To her, these were like events that had happened to a previous generation, nothing to do with her. “I think he left on his own.”
“Why?”
“There was this big scene late at night. I don’t really remember it. Bethany went out of our bedroom to see what was going on, and they told her to go back into her room. She came back and told me she’d seen Sinclair going down the stairs with a gym bag over her shoulder. I guess Mike got caught sneaking her in,” Naomi said. Her voice took on more certainty, like she was convincing herself. “My father was really angry. Sinclair left right away, and Mike was gone a day later.”
“Really,” I said.
Naomi turned two pages ahead in the photo album. “There,” she said. “That’s the last picture we have of Mike. Taken five days before he left.”
It was a candid spur-of-the-moment shot, slightly dark with underexposure. Shiloh, long-legged and seated on a couch, was holding a hand half over his face against the bright surprise of a flash, as if he were looking into the headlights of an approaching car. There were a few tiny lights in the background, like fireflies indoors.
“Maybe it’s hypocritical of me,” Naomi said, “but I never tried to get in touch with Sinclair the way I did with Mike. She was always completely foreign to me. She was somebody I couldn’t talk to, and she couldn’t talk to me.”
“Can I have this picture?” I said.
“That one?” Naomi looked startled. “All right.”
I peeled back the protective cellophane and took the simple Polaroid out. “Who in the family would know more about Sinclair?” I asked.
“Mike,” Naomi said. “The six of us were paired off pretty neatly, like mini-generations: Adam and Bill, Mike and Sinclair, Bethany and me. Mike and Sinclair didn’t spend nearly as much time together as Bethany and I, or Adam and Bill, but they were close when she lived at home. Not just because of age but because of Mike’s good sign-language skills.”
“Who else?” I asked. “I need someone I can talk to.”
“Bill, I guess. He was the second-closest to Mike in age. And he was here the night our father caught Mike sneaking Sinclair into the house.” She seemed to remember something. “Oh, but Bill won’t call her Sinclair. That’s our grandmother’s maiden name; Sinclair adopted it around the time she left. Bill calls her Sara,” Naomi explained. “That’s why I was so startled when you called me last night. You said you were Sarah Shiloh, and I was thinking ‘This can’t be happening!’ ”
“Yeah,” I said. “I can see where that would throw you.”
We spent the rest of the time in simple questions. I asked the names of schools Shiloh had gone to in Ogden and if Naomi remembered the names of any close friends from his school years. Did anything he’d written in his letters or on Christmas cards seem important now? Nothing came to Naomi’s mind. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Is there anything else I can do?”
“Could I use your phone?” I asked. “I didn’t get in touch with your brother Bill today, and I’d like to call him and ask if I can see him in person, tomorrow if possible. I don’t want to call too late, it’d be rude.”
Naomi nodded. “That’s fine. There’s a phone in our bedroom, where it’ll be quieter.” She set the photo album back on the ottoman with the others.
I stood and stretched, waiting for Naomi to rise as well.
“You know, I am worried about Mike,” she said. “If I sounded like I wasn’t, well, he and Sinclair were the family’s black sheep. It’s hard to think of a rebel as somebody vulnerable.”
She looked up at me from her seated position, and instead of standing, Naomi touched my arm. “Will you pray with me?” she asked. “For Michael?”