“What’s wrong?” I held the receiver with one hand while struggling to get out of my raincoat with the other. I was chilled to the bone, but there was no one to notice except the twin suits of armor and neither one of them looked ready to clank across the Turkish rug with offers of a cup of tea. Freddy had disappeared into the kitchen. Seasoned eavesdropper that he was he didn’t have to be standing next to me to get the gist of my conversation with Mrs. Malloy. Whistling kettles and doors left open the merest wedge would be no deterrents if he chose to snoop. But it could be that he wasn’t in the mood to involve himself with my trials and tribulations, given his worries about his Mum.
“Never mind me.” Mrs. Malloy’s voice blasted in my ear. “What’s wrong with you? Don’t tell me that gunman found out where you live and is there this minute, threatening to shoot your head full of enough holes to turn it into a colander, if you don’t keep your trap shut? It’s alright,” she said, misinterpreting my silence, “I understand you can’t talk. Give one scream for ‘yes’ and two for ‘no’.”
“Please!” I finally managed. “Let’s not go taking last night too seriously. After talking to Freddy I’m convinced our visitor played us for a couple of idiots.”
“So that wasn’t a gun he shoved under our noses?” She laughed sarcastically. “What was it then, Mrs. H., a banana?”
“A toy one.”
“A toy banana?”
“No!” I tossed my raincoat on the floor and barely restrained myself from kicking it the length of the hall. “A toy gun.”
“Well, that makes a lot of sense, that does! But if Mr. Freddy Flatts says that’s the way things was who’m I to argue? Course, it could be said I was there and he weren’t, and it would be nice to think that you and me stood together as a team, especially now that things have taken such a nasty turn. But why should anyone consider my feelings? I’m just the woman that’s worked her fingers to the bone for you all these years, scrubbing and polishing on me poor worn-out knees.”
I didn’t remind her that she had always strictly adhered to the Chitterton Fells Charwomen’s charter (commonly referred to as the Magna-Char), which prohibited its members from performing any tasks above or below eye level. This was no time for petty bickering. “What sort of nasty turn?”
“Well, it’s like this,” she said, dropping her snotty tone, “I came down here to the office to water the plants and practice up on me typing and I wasn’t through the door when the phone rang. I picked it up all of a tremble, thinking it would be Milk ringing up to say he’d been stabbed coming out a bar.”
“And his wallet pinched by a one-legged jogger?”
“I’ll let that pass, Mrs. H., seeing it’s clear you’re having a bad day. Not made up with the hubby from the sound of it. But you’re about to feel downright ashamed of yourself.”
“I am?”
“That phone call was from the old Cottage Hospital in Mucklesby. Seems,” Mrs. M. continued with relish, “Lady Krumley was brought in last night after a car accident. I couldn’t get the gist of how bad she was because the woman phoning, some nurse I suppose, had one of those posh voices like someone talking Shakespeare.”
“What sort of an accident?” I asked stupidly.
“I just told you.”
“I mean did her ladyship collide with another vehicle or did she crash into a lamppost after being forced off the road? What I’m getting at is… was it really an accident or attempted murder?”
“So now you’re admitting it wasn’t all fun and games with that bloke last night? Change with the wind you do, Mrs. H., but I can’t stand here fussing with you all day. We’ve got to get down to that hospital. Don’t want the old girl sinking into a coma before we arrive, now do we?”
“She wants to see us?” I was struggling back into my raincoat.
“No, that nurse phoned for the weather report.” Mrs. Malloy’s sarcasm dripped through the receiver. “Her ladyship had told her to phone Jugg’s Detective Agency and keep ringing until someone answered. Poor soul! Sounds as though she’d worked herself up into a terrible state. Don’t suppose she’s meant to have visitors except for the immediate family.”
“Who might not be such a good idea under the circumstances.”
“Well, I must say it’s about time you came round to my way of thinking, Mrs. H., ’cos my name’s not Roxie Malloy if there isn’t a nasty nephew or sneaky sister-in-law at the bottom of this.” The woman could be unbearably smug, but I reminded myself that one had to keep Lady Krumley front and center.
“I’m merely keeping an open mind. No more, no less. You can fill me in on any other information you’ve acquired when I pick you up.” I not only had my raincoat back on but also was wearing Tobias around my neck as a scarf. That cat was worse than the children for demanding attention the minute I got on the phone. He would drop off a wardrobe onto my head or, as on this occasion, leap from the table onto my arm and shin the rest of the way with a steel-clawed determination worthy of an assault of the Alps. By the time I had disentangled him, Freddy had stuck his head around the kitchen door to say that he had a lovely pot of tea ready. And if I was in the mood to turn a loaf of bread into a plateful of sandwiches we could have an early lunch. I hated to see the light go out in his eyes. It’s a tough business being a housewife pretending to be a P.I. I told him, while draining half a cup of tea, that there was sliced ham, lettuce and tomatoes in the fridge, but he would have to assemble them on a plate without any help from me because I had to meet up with Mrs. Malloy.
“Ah!” He stroked his beard, eyes gleaming. “So the Krumley case thickens.”
“Freddy,” I rammed a rain hat on my head, “do not be melodramatic.”
“What? Me? Make mountains out of molehills?” He staggered backward until he rammed up against the sink. “Her ladyship has merely been in a near fatal car accident that may or may not be the result of foul play. She’s lying in The Cottage Hospital at Mucklesby, clutching her oxygen mask, clawing at all the tubes while waiting for you and Mrs. Malloy to arrive so she can impart some vital piece of the puzzle before she gasps her last.”
“Good marks for listening.”
“No need to thank me,” he said with a winsome smile, “someone has to look out for you. And Ben’s not here to do it.”
“I’m sure there’s plenty to keep him occupied at Abigail’s,” I replied with superb nonchalance. “Not that you don’t do a great job, Freddy, but he always likes to catch up after being away on a trip. He didn’t happen to phone while I was at the vicarage?”
“It so chances that he did. Said to tell you he would collect Rose from her play group at 1:00 and go back for the twins at 3:30.”
“Oh, splendid!”
And so it was, because now I wouldn’t have to shift my attention away from Lady Krumley every five minutes to check my watch. Driving down the Cliff Road I heroically banished Ben, between one sniff and the next, from my mind. I was wondering just how badly Lady Krumley had been injured when I drew level with Abigail’s. Ben’s car was neither out front nor visible in the side parking lot. Nothing to that of course, although at 11:30 he would not have set off to collect Rose. There were dozens of places he might have gone. I just couldn’t think of any for the moment. I had the car heater going full blast, and my head was fuzzy. A moment later I was given my answer. While passing the Chitterton Fells Library I saw a man who was unmistakably my husband exiting by the side door with an armload of books balanced precariously under his chin. To honk at him would have been disaster for he would undoubtedly have dropped the lot. So I proceeded on my way, wedged in between a lorry and a woman wobbling along on a bicycle, feeling vaguely comforted. Ben and I were both avid readers. Not much for television, we enjoyed many an evening-especially in wintertime-locked in our own separate worlds yet linked by that special silence that can be better than any amount of talking.
It was no longer raining, but the roads had the black gloss of night and ragged clouds whipped across the sky like clothes blown off a line. What had been a scattering of cottages became rows of tight-faced houses with front doors opening directly onto the street and shops that looked as though they should have signs in the windows warning customers that they entered at their own risk. I drew level with a greengrocer’s. It had boxes of drowned fruit and vege set out front, being sniffed at by a mongrel dog. Catching my eyes he cocked his leg in a desultory fashion and disappeared around a corner. Mucklesby, I decided, was no more attractive by day than at night, a thought shared by Mrs. Malloy when I stopped in the alleyway outside Jugg’s Detective Agency and she climbed into the car.
“What a rat hole of a town!” she said, buckling her safety belt around her middle. She removed her headscarf and patted her blonde hair back into shape. “Course it suits Milk a treat, and us too, Mrs. H., in our line of business. But you couldn’t pay me to live here. Pigeon muck everywhere you step, and the whole place smelling of cat’s pee. Drive on do.” She gave me a nudge that shot the car forward. “Before we catch something and end up in the hospital along with Lady Krumley.”
I started to say that I was not in any line of business other than being a wife, mother and part-time interior designer, but a glance at her set profile let me know I would be wasting my breath. So I stuck to the issue at hand.
“How critical is Lady Krumley’s condition?”
“Oh, you know them nurses, they can spend ten minutes putting the wind up you just saying ‘the patient is doing as well as can be expected.’” Mrs. Malloy took a compact out of her handbag and waved it at me before powder puffing her nose with enough abandon to cause me to gasp and choke.
“Could you put that thing away,” I said testily. “It has to be every bit as hazardous as secondhand smoke.”
“Well, you’re a fine one to talk! But you know what they say about them holier than thou reformed types.”
I ignored this thrust. “Did the nurse who phoned say if her ladyship was in ICU?”
“What?
“The Intensive Care Unit.”
“No, she didn’t, and watch where you’re driving. You almost went up the back of that van and now me lipstick’s all smeared.” Mrs. Malloy eyed herself in the compact mirror before dropping it back with an irritated plop into her handbag. “And me wanting to look my best for all them handsome young doctors that’s bound to be lining the corridors. Some of the happiest days of me life was watching Emergency Ward 10 on the telly and now that I’m going to live it you have to go and spoil things.”
“That’s not a van?”
“What isn’t?” Mrs. Malloy was dabbing at her purple lips with both pinkies.
“The one you just said I almost hit.” I rounded a corner and drove under a short brick tunnel and emerged into a parking lot. “It’s an ambulance. And this is the Cottage Hospital.”
“Well, I could have told you that! There’s the door to outpatients. Don’t see as we can go too far wrong if we go in that way.”
It sounded sensible. But after fifteen minutes of wandering green hallways that hadn’t been updated since the 1940s and not having spotted one handsome young man in a white coat with a stethoscope dangling around his neck, the fact that we were hopelessly lost became my fault.
“Thanks a lot, Mrs. H.! Me feet are killing me. In the time we’ve been here I could have had me insides taken out and put back in again. That’s five times, as I’ve counted, we’ve been around this way. Even them pictures on the wall are beginning to look at us funny.”
She had a point. The expressions on the faces of the illustrious personages who had served this hospital over the past hundred years appeared to have grown increasingly stern. The directions given to us at the information desk had seemed straightforward at the time. We had taken the lift to the second floor as instructed and turned left at the maternity unit. After that it was pretty much all a blur. But it wasn’t my fault that Mrs. M. was wearing her customary four-inch heels. Neither was I to blame because her miniskirted powder pink raincoat now reeked of disinfectant, or so she claimed. I was about to explain that I wasn’t happy at the prospect of wandering these labyrinths for all eternity, when a man in hospital attire came up behind us wheeling a gurney. Mrs. Malloy immediately brightened. The man wasn’t bad looking and the gurney was unoccupied. Stepping away from the wall she stretched her butterfly lips into her most engaging smile and hooked up a thumb. Hadn’t her mother ever told her she was liable to end up in the morgue if she hitchhiked lifts from strange men in hospital corridors?
Luckily his mother must have warned him about the sort of women he was liable to encounter in the course of a day’s work. Or maybe he had a bad back and couldn’t risk hoisting Mrs. Malloy onto the gurney and making off with her into the sluice room. (From what she had told me sluice rooms had figured prominently in Emergency Ward 10.) At any rate he chuckled in appreciation of what he obviously took to be her little joke and escorted us a short distance to where personnel were occupied behind a desk area talking into telephones, bustling about with notepads or issuing instructions in a kind of verbal shorthand. Feeling like a lion singling out one deer from the herd to pounce upon I caught the eye of a woman in a floral cotton jacket that seemed to indicate she might be a nurse or possibly a member of the housekeeping staff. She came toward me, while Mrs. M. was still muttering in my ear.
“It’s not like I was ready to go off with a perfect stranger. His name was Joe; it was right there on his jacket pocket. And whatever you’re thinking I know he was dying for a moment alone with me so he could tell me all about his bunions. It was there in his eyes-the deep quiet knowledge of a man who has just met the woman of his dreams. But it was all ruined because you had to insist on tagging along. The very least you could have done was stay behind and pretend you was looking out the windows.”
Clearly in addition to her enthusiasm for Emergency Ward 10, Mrs. Malloy had been reading too many of those nurse doctor books. I little doubted that in next to no time Joe would be transformed into a well-built, well-heeled senior consultant-probably a titled one at that-and instead of wanting to talk about his bunions he would be casually mentioning his three ancestral homes and his silver gray Rolls Royce. I was wondering what sort of car Lady Krumley had been driving, while explaining to the woman in the floral jacket that we had received a phone message requesting we visit her ladyship.
“Let me see what I can find out for you, Mrs. Haskell.” She gave me a brisk smile before going into a huddle with the other assorted jackets and coats. After what seemed ages she came around the counter to escort me and Mrs. Malloy the length of the corridor. “You’re to be allowed ten minutes. The doctors are due back to examine her ladyship shortly. I’m sure I don’t need to caution you that our object is to keep her calm, so please restrict the conversation to general chitchat-nothing to get her the least bit worked up.” A beep sounded and with an exclamation of apology that she was needed elsewhere, the woman pointed a finger to our left and made off at a fast walk.
“Go on.” Mrs. Malloy nudged me. “I’m right behind you.”
“Okay.” I pushed open the closest door and tiptoed into a small square room with a generic landscape print on the wall. Otherwise it was all beige and gray. The figure in the hospital bed did not move. The folded hands appeared glued to the sheet. An oxygen mask covered a good part of her face, and everywhere there were tubes, hooked up to machines that flashed and beeped as if carrying on personal conversations.
“Oh, the poor duck!” Mrs. M. inched her nose over my shoulder. “Why, it don’t even look like her.”
“That’s because it isn’t.”
“What?”
“Isn’t Lady Krumley. We’re in the wrong room.”
“Now you tell me!”
We were backing out, hopefully before the machines set off the alarm and several very large men arrived to cart us away in straitjackets, when we collided with someone. Turning, we faced a man of medium height and middle years, with a receding hairline and eyes set rather too close together above a long thin nose.
“So sorry,” I said, “we’re looking for Lady Krumley’s room.” My nervousness was heightened by the fact that he was staring at us as if we were a pair of German shepherds, readying to leap at his throat if he tried to edge past us. But perhaps he was a man who always looked frightened. His voice when he spoke sounded as though it might be habitually timid.
“Pardon me for asking, Are you the social workers?”
“What’s that to you?” Mrs. Malloy barked back at him.
Had anyone been passing he would have jumped into his or her arms. “I assumed… under the circumstances… that they might be sending some up. After all, poor Aunt Maude’s rather been through it.”
“Aunt who?”
“Sorry! I’m making a real hash of explaining.” He didn’t sound as though he expected any argument on this. “I’m talking about Lady Krumley. I’m her nephew by marriage. Niles Edmonds.”
“Well, isn’t that interesting!” Mrs. Malloy gave a sigh of pure satisfaction. “I was sure you’d show up sooner or later. And here you are looking just like I pictured you. Now tell me, just for the record like, do you happen to know if your dear kind Auntie has left you a nice lot of money in her will?”