The next morning I walked down to the river and sat on a rock near the spot where Ryan had reproposed to me. I looked out at the icy water. It was only early October, but the air was biting. My cheeks were numb and my eyes were starting to tear, but I couldn't leave that spot. I didn't spend fifty years with Ryan. I didn't have his children or watch his hair turn gray. And yet sitting here, I felt the loss of all of it. It had been hard when I felt he'd taken it away from me. Choosing to leave, which should have been easier, left me feeling sick.
I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Ryan's number.
"Hey," came the voice on the other end. "What's wrong? Have you been crying?"
"I was thinking we should talk."
"About what? Us or the murder?" His voice had a hardness to it.
"Us."
"I'll get on the next train. I'll meet you at your grandmother's house," he said.
"You don't have to come up. I can come to the city. Amanda wants to get together for lunch, anyway."
"You can see her another time," he said softly. "I want to be alone with you."
It made me uncomfortable to hear the tenderness in his voice. As the morning wore on, my nerves got the better of me. I didn't think sitting around my grandmother's kitchen table would make the conversation any easier, so I decided to meet him at the station.
The train was pulling up as I turned the corner. I could barely catch my breath, so I stopped and leaned against the station's small ticket booth. I knew I was doing the right thing, but I still hadn't found the right way to do it. Ryan would be off that train any minute. I swallowed hard as the train stopped. The doors opened and an older man got off at the door nearest me. Down the platform, I saw Ryan step off the train into the sunlight. I could see the cold air from his breath as he stood and put his gloves on. I didn't want to step out from behind the building. I wasn't ready for him to see me. I knew the minute he looked into my eyes, he would know it was over.
Then someone got off the train behind him. A woman. She was wearing a hat, scarf, long red coat, and tall black boots. There was almost no skin showing, but I knew who it was-Amanda. I didn't know if her presence would make things easier or harder, but this wasn't a conversation for three.
I stepped out from behind the building and started walking toward them when I saw Amanda grab Ryan's arm. He pulled away from her in an almost violent motion.
"Get away from me," he yelled. It stopped me in my tracks. "I'm not going to say it again."
"Ryan," she said meekly. She was crying.
"Hi," I said. They both turned to me and stared.
"I thought I was meeting you at your grandmother's," Ryan finally said.
"I decided to surprise you, but I guess you beat me to it." I could hear the flatness, the lack of emotion in my voice. I looked at Amanda, who was wiping the tears from her eyes. It was clear that she did not start crying as she stepped off the train. Her eyes were red and her face was swollen and flushed.
"I'm sorry," Amanda blurted out as though she had been holding it back with all her strength. Then she started crying again and walked down the platform toward the ticket booth.
"I was supposed to meet you at your grandmother's," Ryan said again.
I paused. I was watching Amanda sobbing and Ryan stammer. Then it hit me. "How long have you and Amanda…" I couldn't get the last word out.
"It's not like that."
"What's it like?"
Ryan looked at his feet and shook his head slowly. "I don't want to talk about this here."
"Is that why you postponed the wedding?" I tried to meet his eyes, but he avoided looking at me. "I knew you were lying to me about something. I guess it was easier to imagine you would kill someone, than… this. Isn't that sick?"
I smiled, but I felt like throwing up. I had spent the whole morning working on a speech explaining why I couldn't go through with the wedding-a speech that was both caring and clear. I hadn't even had a chance to say it and there was nothing else to say. I walked away.
"Nell," Amanda called out. "I know you hate me." She walked after me as I passed her by. "I didn't mean for it to happen. Ryan didn't either. It just did. We were both really torn about it. Really we were. He came up here to tell you and then that guy was killed and it seemed… I've felt just… you're my friend."
I wanted to be angry, but mostly I was numb. "Your friend?"
She started crying again. "I've always told you everything. And I've been hiding this away in some secret place, and it's felt so wrong. Not being able to talk to you."
"That's what felt wrong?" I walked away and she followed. I stopped. "You should be running after him. Not me." I turned away and walked as quickly as I could.