The only solace he has is the solace of pain.
The pain of hurt; the pain of rejection; the pain of humiliation. The pain of defeat.
Can't stop thinking about Jo. Consumes his thoughts. Bloody Jo. Face tortured, agonizing smile. Jo shouting at him. Jo telling him to fuck off. Jo slamming the door. Jo getting upset. Jo turning down presents. Jo turning her back. Jo running away, disappearing, so that he never knew where to find her. Jo walking out on her life just so that she could avoid him. The man who loved her, who would give her anything.
He wants to take himself somewhere, somewhere within his imagination. A city; big, brassy, loud; where the action is. Just him and Jo hitting the clubs, hitting the night spots. Drinking, gambling, dancing. Fucking.
How many times had they fucked? He forgets now. Too long ago. The actual number is gone, lost beneath exaggeration and self-deceit, beneath the most glorious memories of Jo's face during orgasm. Her mouth contorted, that look that almost spoke of pain but was in fact the most incredible pleasure.
However, his dreams never work out. From the prison of his mind, he can't sort out the fantasy. Can't construct it. Like a sixties tower block, it looks good for five seconds, then begins to crumble and crack.
He'll never see Jo again and, if he does, she won't be interested. Not bloody Jo. Jo with her knee-length boots, Jo with her knowing smile, Jo with her G-string and the Celtic tattoo on her thigh and the neatly shaved public hair and her face contorted in pleasure during orgasm. And his fantasies disintegrate into a sordid mess; him and Jo alone in a dark stinking room, getting nowhere, doing nothing.
Eventually he will be purged. Eventually she will understand. She will be at one with him, and the hurt she inflicted upon him. Maybe then she will smile at him and they will be one. She will love him again, the way she loved him before.
She never told him. That still hurts, perhaps even as much as the fact that she left. She never said she loved him, despite the amount of opportunities he gave her, despite repeatedly expressing his love for her.
That is one of the many things he does not understand.