One of the first things I told people when they asked for my help was that they had to take care of themselves first. Take care of themselves, take care of their spouse, take care of the children still in the home, take care of their lives. If you allow those things to break down, the rest comes crumbling down around you.
I learned that the hard way. My marriage to Lauren collapsed before either of us had realized what happened. We were so focused on the enormous crack that had fractured our lives that we missed the fissures that radiated out from that initial crack, me far more than Lauren.
To get anything done, I had to take care of my own life first.
So I drove to Lauren’s house.
Our old home.
The one where I'd last seen Elizabeth.
I parked across the street and got out. I didn’t cross the road, just stood there, my back against the car, as if some invisible forcefield was between me and the house.
The house was originally a one story, but we'd built an upstairs addition. Beige stucco with big, wide windows. A giant tree in the center of the front yard. Small cracks in the short driveway that had grown longer and wider since I’d last seen them. Fresh flowers, blues and reds and yellows, bloomed along the narrow path to the front door. The grass was green, the windows were spotless and the paint on the trim looked fresh.
I tried to remember other details about what it looked like when I lived in it. Was it the same color? Were those the same kind of flowers? Was the tree always that big?
The only thing I knew for certain was the lawn in front of me was the last place I’d seen Elizabeth.
I wanted to walk to the door and knock, but my legs wouldn’t move. My stomach cramped, the anxiety gripping the muscles inside and squeezing them. Heat radiated up the back of my neck and into my head, tiny beads of sweat lining up along my forehead, just beneath my hairline.
It physically hurt to stand there and look at the house. I was making a mistake.
My hand slid along the car door, found the handle and grasped onto it, as much for balance as to open it. I heard a car coming from down the street and turned in that direction.
A dark blue Toyota Camry slowed as it approached. I stood up straighter, tried to look normal, not as if I was about to pass out in the street, and attempted a smile and a half-wave at the driver.
The driver was Lauren and my hand stayed frozen in the air.
She pulled the car into the driveway and sat there for a moment before she got out, looking at me, expressionless.
She wore a black pant suit with a red blouse and black pumps. A thin gold chain hung around her neck, standing out against the red of the blouse. Her hair was down and I didn’t see any earrings. A flash of light at her right wrist revealed a watch the same color as the necklace, a watch I remembered giving her.
She stood there for a moment, looking as unsure as I felt. She opened the driver-side rear door and pulled out a leather satchel and placed it over her shoulder. She shut the door and stared at me.
“Hi,” I said, my voice loud enough to carry across the street.
She just nodded.
“I owe you an apology, I think,” I said.
She shrugged as if I’d asked her a question about something she couldn't have cared less.
“I’m sorry,” I said anyway. “For the other night. I handled it poorly.”
The look in her eyes shifted, but I couldn’t tell what was there. Anger, sadness, nothing?
“I wasn’t expecting it,” I said, my knees shaking, my eyes moving to the exact patch of grass where I’d left Elizabeth to go get that fucking extension cord. “I didn’t know what to do, Lauren. I’m sorry.”
Tears distorted my vision now. I lifted my arm. It was heavy, uncoordinated, as if it had fallen asleep. My knees weakened and my back began to slide down the car.
“Joe?” Lauren finally said. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head, still sinking to the ground, still pointing at the lawn. “She was right there, Lauren. Right there.”
The tears pooled in my eyes and spilled onto my cheeks and I could barely see Lauren crossing the street toward me. I felt her hands on my arm.
“Right. There,” I said.
Lauren’s arms went around me. I buried my face in her shoulder and cried for a long time.