“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
That, my brothers, was me asking myself the next morning, standing outside this white building that was like tacked on to the old Staja, in my platties of the night of two years back in the grey light of dawn, with a malenky bit of a bag with my few personal veshches in and a bit of cutter kindly donated by the vonny Authorities to like start me off in my new life.
The rest of the day before had been very tiring, what with interviews to go on tape for the telenews and photographs being took flash flash flash and more like demonstrations of me folding up in the face of ultra-violence and all that embarrassing cal. And then I had like fallen into the bed and then, as it looked to me, been waked up to be told to get off out, to itty off home, they did not want to viddy Your Humble Narrator never not no more, O my brothers. So there I was, very very early in the morning, with just this bit of pretty polly in my left carman, jingle-jangling it and wondering:
“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
Some breakfast some mesto, I thought, me not having eaten at all that morning, every veck being so anxious to tolchock me off out to freedom. A chasha of chai only I had peeted. This Staja was in a very like gloomy part of the town, but there were malenky workers’ caffs all around and I soon found one of these, my brothers. It was very cally and vonny, with one bulb in the ceiling with fly-dirt like obscuring its bit of light, and there were early rabbiters slurping away at chai and horrible-looking sausages and slices of kleb which they like wolfed, going wolf wolf wolf and then creeching for more. They were served by a very cally devotchka but with very bolshy groodies on her, and some of the eating vecks tried to grab her, going haw haw haw while she went he he he, and the sight of them near made me want to sick, brothers. But I asked for some toast and jam and chai very politely and with my gentleman’s goloss, then I sat in a dark corner to eat and peet.
While I was doing this, a malenky little dwarf of a veck ittied in, selling the morning’s gazettas, a twisted and grahzny prestoopnick type with thick glasses on with steel rims, his platties like the colour of very starry decaying currant pudding. I kupetted a gazetta, my idea being to get ready for plunging back into normal jeezny again by viddying what was ittying on in the world. This gazetta I had seemed to be like a Government gazetta, for the only news that was on the front page was about the need for every veck to make sure he put the Government back in again on the next General Election, which seemed to be about two or three weeks off. There were very boastful slovos about what the Government had done, brothers, in the last year or so, what with increased exports and a real horrorshow foreign policy and improved social services and all that cal. But what the Government was really most boastful about was the way in which they reckoned the streets had been made safer for all peace-loving night-walking lewdies in the last six months, what with better pay for the police and the police getting like tougher with young hooligans and perverts and burglars and all that cal. Which interessovatted Your Humble Narrator some deal. And on the second page of the gazetta there was a blurry like photograph of somebody who looked very familiar, and it turned out to be none other than me me me. I looked very gloomy and like scared, but that was really with the flashbulbs going pop pop all the time. What it said undrneath my picture was that here was the first graduate from the new State Institute for Reclamation of Criminal Types, cured of his criminal instincts in a fortnight only, now a good law-fearing citizen and all that cal. Then I viddied there was a very boastful article about this Ludovico’s Technique and how clever the Government was and all that cal. Then there was another picture of some veck I thought I knew, and it was this Minister of the Inferior or Interior. It seemed that he had been doing a bit of boasting, looking forward to a nice crime-free era in which there would be no more fear of cowardly attacks from young hooligans and perverts and burglars and all that cal. So I went arghhhhhh and threw this gazetta on the floor, so that it covered up stains of spilled chai and horrible spat gobs from the cally animals that used thus caff.
“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
What it was going to be now, brothers, was homeways and a nice surprise for dadada and mum, their only son and heir back in the family bosom. Then I could lay back on the bed in my own malenky den and slooshy some lovely music, and at the same time I could think over what to do now with my jeezny. The Discharge Officer had given me a long list the day before of jobs I could try for, and he had telephoned to different vecks about me, but I had no intention, my brothers, of going off to rabbit right away. A malenky bit of a rest first, yes, and a quiet think on the bed to the sound of lovely music.
And so the autobus to Center, and then the autobus to Kingsley Avenue, the flats of Flatblock 18A being just near. You will believe me, my brothers, when I say that my heart was going clopclopclop with the like excitement. All was very quiet, it still being early winter morning, and when I ittied into the vestibule of the flatblock there was no veck about, only the nagoy vecks and cheenas of the Dignity of Labour. What surprised me, brothers, was the way that had been cleaned up, there being no longer any dirty ballooning slovos from the rots of the Dignified Labourers, not any dirty parts of the body added to their naked plotts by dirty-minded pencilling malchicks. And what also surprised me was that the lift was working. It came purring down when I pressed the electric knopka, and when I got in I was surprised again to viddy all was clean inside the like cage.
So up I went to the tenth floor, and there I saw 10-8 as it had been before, and my rooker trembled and shook as I took out of my carman the little klootch I had for opening up. But I very firmly fitted the klootch in the lock and turned, then opened up then went in, and there I met three pairs of surprised and almost frightened glazzies looking at me, and it was pee and em having their breakfast, but it was also another veck that I had never viddied in my jeezny before, a bolshy thick veck in his shirt and braces, quite at home, brothers, slurping away at the milky chai and munchmunching at his eggiweg and toast. And it was this stranger veck who spoke first, saying:
“Who are you, friend? Where did you get hold of a key? Out, before I push your face in. Get out there and knock. Explain your business, quick.”
My dad and mum sat like petrified, and I could viddy they had not yet read the gazetta, then I remembered that the gazetta did not arrive till papapa had gone off to his work. But then mum said: “Oh, you’ve broken out. You’ve escaped. Whatever shall we do? We shall have the police here, oh oh oh. Oh, you bad and wicked boy, disgracing us all like this.” And, believe it or kiss my sharries, she started to go boo hoo. So I started to try and explain, they could ring up the Staja if they wanted, and all the time this stranger veck sat there like frowning and looking as if he could push my litso in with his hairy bolshy beefy fist. So I said:
“How about you answering a few, brother? What are you doing here and for how long? I didn’t like the tone of what you said just then. Watch it. Come on, speak up.” He was a working-man type veck, very ugly, about thirty or forty, and he sat now with his rot open at me, not govoreeting one single slovo. Then my dad said:
“This is all a bit bewildering, son. You should have let us know you were coming. We thought it would be at least another five or six years before they let you out. Not,” he said, and he said it very like gloomy, “that we’re not very pleased to see you again and a free man, too.”
“Who is this?” I said. “Why can’t he speak up? What’s going on in here?”
“This is Joe,” said my mum. “He lives here now. The lodger, that’s what he is. Oh, dear dear dear,” she went.
“You,” said this Joe. “I’ve heard all about you, boy. I know what you’ve done, breaking the hearts of your poor grieving parents. So you’re back, eh? Back to make life a misery for them once more, is that it? Over my dead corpse you will, because they’ve let me be more like a son to them than like a lodger.” I could nearly have smecked loud at that if the old razdraz within me hadn’t started to wake up the feeling of wanting to sick, because this veck looked about the same age as my pee and em, and there he was like trying to put a son’s protecting rooker round my crying mum, O my brothers.
“So,” I said, and I near felt like collapsing in all tears myself. “So that’s it, then. Well, I give you five large minootas to clear all your horrible cally veshches out of my room.” And I made for this room, this veck being a malenky bit too slow to stop me. When I opened the door my heart cracked to the carpet, because I viddied it was no longer like my room at all, brothers. All my flags had gone off the walls and this veck had put up pictures of boxers, also like a team sitting smug with folded rookers and silver like shield in front. And then I viddied what else was missing. My stereo and my disc-cupboard were no longer there, nor was my locked treasure-chest that contained bottles and drugs and two shining clean syringes.
“There’s been some filthy vonny work going on here,” I creeched. “What have you done with my own personal veshches, you horrible bastard?” This was to this Joe, but it was my dad that answered, saying:
“That was all took away, son, by the police. This new regulation, see, about compensation for the victims.”
I found it very hard not to be very ill, but my gulliver was aching shocking and my rot was so dry that I had to take a skorry swig from the milk-bottle on the table, so that this Joe said: “Filthy piggish manners.” I said:
“But she died. That one died.”
“It was the cats, son,” said my dad like sorrowful, “that were left with nobody to look after them till the will was read, so they had to have somebody in to feed them. So the police sold your things, clothes and all, to help with the looking after of them. That’s the law, son. But you were never much of a one for following the law.”
I had to sit down then, and this Joe said: “Ask permission before you sit, you mannerless young swine,” so I cracked back skorry with a “Shut your dirty big fat hole, you,” feeling sick. Then I tried to be all reasonable and smiling for my health’s sake like, so I said: “Well, that’s my room, there’s no denying that. This is my home also. What suggestions have you, my pee and em, to make?” But they just looked very glum, my mum shaking a bit, her litso all lines and wet with like tears, and then my dad said:
“All this needs thinking about, son. We can’t very well just kick Joe out, not just like that, can we? I mean, Joe’s here doing a job, a contract it is, two years, and we made like an arrangement, didn’t we, Joe? I mean son, thinking you were going to stay in prison a long time and that room going begging.” He was a bit ashamed, you could viddy that from his litso. So I just smiled and like nodded, saying:
“I viddy all. You got used to a bit of peace and you got used to a bit of extra pretty polly. That’s the way it goes. And your son has just been nothing but a terrible nuisance.” And then, my brothers, believe me or kiss my sharries, I started to like cry, feeling very like sorry for myself. So my dad said:
“Well, you see, son, Joe’s paid next month’s rent already. I mean, whatever we do in the future we can’t say to Joe to get out, can we, Joe?” This Joe said:
“It’s you two I’ve got to think of, who’ve been like a father and mother to me. Would it be right or fair to go off and leave you to the tender mercies of this young monster who has been like no real son at all? He’s weeping now, but that’s his craft and artfulness. Let him go off and find a room somewhere. Let him learn the error of his ways and that a bad boy like he’s been doesn’t deserve such a good mum and dad as what he’s had.”
“All right,” I said, standing up in all like tears still. “I know how things are now. Nobody wants or loves me. I’ve suffered and suffered and suffered and everybody wants me to go on suffering. I know.”
“You’ve made others suffer,” said this Joe. “It’s only right you should suffer proper. I’ve been told everything that you’ve done, sitting here at night round the family table, and pretty shocking it was to listen to. Made me real sick a lot of it did.”
“I wish,” I said, “I was back in the prison. Dear old Staja as it was. I’m ittying off now,” I said. “You won’t ever viddy me no more. I’ll make my own way, thank you very much. Let it lie heavy on your consciences.” My dad said:
“Don’t take it like that, son,” and my mum just went boo hoo hoo, her litso all screwed up real ugly, and this Joe put his rooker round her again, patting her and going there there there like bezoomny. And so I just sort of staggered to the door and went out, leaving them to their horrible guilt, O my brothers.
Ittying down the street in a like aimless sort of a way brothers, in these night platties which lewdies like stared at as I went by, cold too, it being a bastard cold winter day, all I felt I wanted was to be away from all this and not have to think any more about any sort of veshch at all. So I got the autobus to Center, then walked back to Taylor Place, and there was the disc-bootick ‘MELODIA’—I had used to favour with my inestimable custom, O my brothers, and it looked much the same sort of mesto as it always had, and walking in I expected to viddy old Andy there, that bald and very very thin helpful little veck from whom I had kupetted discs in the old days. But there was no Andy there now, brothers, only a scream and a creech of nadsat (teenage, that is) malchicks and ptitsas slooshying some new horrible popsong and dancing to it as well, and the veck behind the counter not much more than a nadsat himself, clicking his rooker-bones and smecking like bezoomny. So I went up and waited till he like deigned to notice me, then I said:
“I’d like to hear a disc of the Mozart Number Forty.” I don’t know why that should have come into my gulliver, but it did.
The counter-veck said:
“Forty what, friend?”
I said: “Symphony. Symphony Number Forty in G Minor.”
“Ooooh,” went one of the dancing nadsats, a malchick with his hair all over his glazzies, “seemfunnah. Don’t it seem funny? He wants a seemfunnah.”
I could feel myself growing all razdraz within, but I had to watch that, so I like smiled at the veck who had taken over Andy/s place and at all the dancing and creeching nadsats. This counter-veck said: “You go into that listen-booth over there, friend, and I’ll pipe something through.”
So I went over to the malenky box where you could slooshy the discs you wanted to buy, and then this veck put a disc on for me, but it wasn’t the Mozart Forty, it was the Mozart ‘Prague’—he seemingly having just picked up any Mozart he could find on the shelf—and that should have started making me real razdraz and I had to watch that for fear of the pain and sickness, but what I’d forgotten was something I shouldn’t have forgotten and now made me want to snuff it. It was that these doctor bratchnies had so fixed things that any music that was like for the emotions would make me sick just like viddying or wanting to do violence. It was because all those violence films had music with them. And I remembered especially that horrible Nazi film with the Beethoven Fifth, last movement. And now here was lovely Mozart made horrible. I dashed out of the shop with these nadsats smecking after me and the counter-veck creeching: “Eh eh eh!” But I took no notice and went staggering almost like blind across the road and round the corner to the Korova Milkbar. I knew what I wanted.
The mesto was near empty, it being still morning. It looked strange too, having been painted with all red mooing cows, and behind the counter was no veck I knew. But when I said: “Milk plus, large,” the veck with a like lean litso very newly shaved knew what I wanted. I took the large moloko plus to one of the little cubies that were all around this mesto, there being like curtains to shut them off from the main mesto, and there I sat down in the plushy chair and sipped and sipped. When I’d finished the whole lot I began to feel that things were happening. I had my glazzies like fixed on a malenky bit of silver paper from a cancer packet that was on the floor, the sweeping-up of this mesto not being all that horrorshow, brothers. This scrap of silver began to grow and grow and grow and it was so like bright and fiery that I had to squint my glazzies at it. It got so big that it became not only this whole cubie I was lolling in but like the whole Korova, the whole street, the whole city. Then it was the whole world, then it was the whole everything, brothers, and it was like a sea washing over every veshch that had ever been made or thought of even. I could sort of slooshy myself making special sort of shooms and govoreeting slovos like ‘Dear dead idlewilds, rot not in variform guises’ and all that cal. Then I could like feel the vision beating up in all this silver, and then there were colours like nobody had ever viddied before, and then I could viddy like a group of statues a long long long way off that was like being pushed nearer and nearer and nearer, all lit up by very bright light from below and above alike, O my brothers. This group of statues was of God or Bog and all His Holy Angels and Saints, all very bright like bronze, with beards and bolshy great wings that waved about in a kind of wind, so that they could not really be of stone or bronze, really, and the eyes or glazzies like moved and were alive. These bolshy big figures came nearer and nearer and nearer till they were like going to crush me down, and I could slooshy my goloss going ‘Eeeeee.’ And I felt I had got rid of everything—platties, body, brain, name, the lot—and felt real horrorshow, like in heaven. Then there was the shoom of like crumbling and crumpling, and Bog and the Angels and Saints sort of shook their gullivers at me, as though to govoreet that there wasn’t quite time now but I must try again, and then everything like leered and smecked and collapsed and the big warm light grew like cold, and then there I was as I was before, the empty glass on the table and wanting to cry and feeling like death was the only answer to everything.
And that was it, that was what I viddied quite clear was the thing to do, but how to do it I did not properly know, never having thought of that before, O my brothers. In my little bag of personal veshches I had my cut-throat britva, but I at once felt very sick as I thought of myself going swishhhh at myself and all my own red red krovvy flowing. What I wanted was not something violent but something that would make me like just go off gentle to sleep and that be the end of Your Humble Narrator, no more trouble to anybody any more.
Perhaps, i thought, if I ittied off to the Public Biblio around the corner I might find some book on the best way of snuffing it with no pain. I thought of myself dead and how sorry everybody was going to be, pee and em and that cally vonny Joe who was a like usurper, and also Dr. Brodsky and Dr. Branom and that Inferior Interior Minister and every veck else. And the boastful vonny Government too. So out I scatted into the winter, and it was afternoon now, near two o’clock, as I could viddy from the bolshy Center timepiece, so that me being in the land with the old moloko plus must have took like longer than I thought. I walked down Marghanita Boulevard and then turned into Boothby Avenue, then round the corner again, and there was the Public Biblio.
It was a starry cally sort of a mesto that I could not remember going into since I was a very very malenky malchick, no more than about six years old, and there were two parts of it—one part to borrow books and one part to read in, full of gazettas and mags and like the von of very starry old men with their plotts stinking of like old age and poverty. These were standing at the gazetta stands all round the room, sniffling and belching and govoreeting to themselves and turning over the pages to read the news very sadly, or else they were sitting at the tables looking at the mags or pretending to, some of them asleep and one or two of them snoring real gromky. I couldn’t remember what it was I wanted at first, then I remembered with a bit of a shock that I had ittied here to find out how to snuff it without pain, so I goolied over to the shelf full of reference veshches. There were a lot of books, but there was none with a title, brothers, that would really do. There was a medical book that I took down, but when I opened it it was full of drawings and photographs of horrible wounds and diseases, and that made me want to sick just a bit. So I put that back and took down the big book or Bible, as it was called, thinking that might give me like comfort as it had done in the old Staja days (not so old really, but it seemed a very very long time ago), and I staggered over to a chair to read in it. But all I found was about smiting seventy times seven and a lot of Jews cursing and tolchocking each other, and that made me want to sick, too. So then I near cried, so that a very starry ragged moodge opposite me said:
“What is it, son? What’s the trouble?”
“I want to snuff it,” I said. “I’ve had it, that’s what it is. Life’s become too much for me.”
A starry reading veck next to me said: “Shhhh,” without looking up from some bezoomny mag he had full of drawings of like bolshy geometrical veshches. That rang a bell somehow. This other moodge said:
“You’re too young for that, son. Why, you’ve got everything in front of you.”
“Yes,” I said, bitter. “Like a pair of false groodies.” This mag-reading veck said: “Shhhh” again, looking up this time, and something clocked for both of us. I viddied who it was. He said, real gromky:
“I never forget a shape, by God. I never forget the shape of anything. By God, you young swine, I’ve got you now.” Crystallography, that was it. That was what he’d been taking away from the Biblio that time. False teeth crunched up real horrorshow. Platties torn off. His books razrezzed, all about Crystallography. I thought I had best get out of here real skorry, brothers. But this starry old moodge was on his feet, creeching like bezoomny to all the starry old coughers at the gazettas round the walls and to them dozing over mags at the tables.
“We have him,” he creeched. “The poisonous young swine who ruined the books on Crystallography, rare books, books not to be obtained ever again, anywhere.” This had a terrible mad shoom about it, as though this old veck was really off his gulliver. “A prize specimen of the cowardly brutal young,” he creeched. “Here in our midst and at our mercy. He and his friends beat me and kicked me and thumped me. They stripped me and tore out my teeth. They laughed at my blood and my moans. They kicked me off home, dazed and naked.”
All this wasn’t quite true, as you know, brothers. He had some platties on, he hadn’t been completely nagoy.
I creeched back: “That was over two years ago. I’ve been punished since then. I’ve learned my lesson. See over there—my picture’s in the papers.”
“Punishment, eh?” said one starry like ex-soldier type. “You lot should be exterminated. Like so many noisome pests. Punishment indeed.”
“All right, all right,” I said. “Everybody’s entitled to his opinion. Forgive me, all. I must go now.” And I started to itty out of this mesto of bezoomny old men. Aspirin, that was it. You could snuff it on a hundred aspirin. Aspirin from the old drugstore. But the crystallography veck creeched:
“Don’t let him go. We’ll teach him all about punishment, the murderous young pig. Get him.” And, believe it, brothers, or do the other veshch, two or three starry dodderers, about ninety years old apiece, grabbed me with their trembly old rookers, and I was like made sick by the von of old age and disease which came from these near-dead moodges. The crystal veck was on to me now, starting to deal me malenky weak tolchocks on my litso, and I tried to get away and itty out, but these starry rookers that held me were stronger than I had thought. Then other starry vecks came hobbling from the gazettas to have a go at Your Humble Narrator. They were creeching veshches like: “Kill him, stamp on him, murder him, kick his teeth in,” and all that cal, and I could viddy what it was clear enough. It was old age having a go at youth, that’s what it was. But some of them were saying: “Poor old Jack, near killed poor old Jack he did, this is the young swine” and so on, as though it had all happened yesterday. Which to them I suppose it had. There was now like a sea of vonny runny dirty old men trying to get at me with their like feeble rookers and horny old claws, creeching and panting on to me, but our crystal droog was there in front, dealing out tolchock after tolchock. And I daren’t do a solitary single veshch, O my brothers, it being better to be hit at like that than to want to sick and feel that horrible pain, but of course the fact that there was violence going on made me feel that the sickness was peeping round the corner to viddy whether to come out into the open and roar away.
Then an attendant veck came along, a youngish veck, and he creeched: “What goes on here? Stop it at once. This is a reading room.” But nobody took any notice. So the attendant veck said: “Right, I shall phone the police.” So I creeched, and I never thought I would ever do that in all my jeezny:
“Yes yes yes, do that, protect me from these old madmen.” I noticed that the attendant veck was not too anxious to join in the dratsing and rescue me from the rage and madness of these starry vecks’ claws; he just scatted off to his like office or wherever the telephone was. Now these old men were panting a lot now, and I felt I could just flick at them and they would all fall over, but I just let myself be held, very patient, by these starry rookers, my glazzies closed, and feel the feeble tolchocks on my litso, also slooshy the panting breathy old golosses creeching: “Young swine, young murderer, hooligan, thug, kill him.” Then I got such a real painful tolchock on the nose that I said to myself to hell to hell, and I opened my glazzies up and started to struggle to get free, which was not hard, brothers, and I tore off creeching to the sort of hallway outside the reading-room. But these starry avengers still came after me, panting like dying, with their animal claws all trembling to get at your friend and Humble Narrator. Then I was tripped up and was on the floor and was being kicked at, then I slooshied golosses of young vecks creeching: “All right, all right, stop it now,” and I knew the police had arrived.
I was like dazed, O my brothers, and could not viddy very clear, but I was sure I had met these millicents some mesto before. The one who had hold of me, going: “There there there,” just by the front door of the Public Biblio, him I did not know at all, but it seemed to me he was like very young to be a rozz. But the other two had backs that I was sure I had viddied before. They were lashing into these starry old vecks with great bolshy glee and joy, swishing away with malenky whips, creeching: “There, you naughty boys. That should teach you to stop rioting and breaking the State’s Peace, you wicked villains, you.” So they drove these panting and wheezing and near dying starry avengers back into the reading-room, then they turned round, smecking with the fun they’d had, to viddy me. The older one of the two said:
“Well well well well well well well. If it isn’t little Alex. Very long time no viddy, droog. How goes?” I was like dazed, the uniform and the shlem or helmet making it hard to viddy who this was, though litso and goloss were very familiar. Then I looked at the other one, and about him, with his grinning bezoomny litso, there was no doubt. Then, all numb and growing number, I looked back at the well well welling one. This one was then fatty old Billyboy, my old enemy. The other was, of course, Dim, who had used to be my droog and also the enemy of stinking fatty goaty Billyboy, but was now a millicent with uniform and shlem and whip to keep order. I said:
“Oh no.”
“Surprise, eh?” And old Dim came out with the old guff I remembered so horrorshow: “Huh huh huh.”
“It’s impossible,” I said. “It can’t be so. I don’t believe it.”
“Evidence of the old glazzies,” grinned Billyboy. “Nothing up our sleeves. No magic, droog. A job for two who are now of job-age. The police.”
“You’re too young,” I said. “Much too young. They don’t make rozzes of malchicks of your age.”
“Was young,” went old millicent Dim. I could not get over it, brothers, I really could not. “That’s what we was, young droogie. And you it was that was always the youngest. And here now we are.”
“I still can’t believe it,” I said. Then Billyboy, rozz Billyboy that I couldn’t get over, said to this young millicent that was like holding on to me and that I did not know:
“More good would be done, I think, Rex, if we doled out a bit of the old summary. Boys will be boys, as always was. No need to go through the old station routine. This one here has been up to his old tricks, as we can well remember though you, of course, can’t. He has been attacking the aged and defenceless, and they have properly been retaliating. But we must have our say in the State’s name.”
“What is all this?” I said, not able hardly to believe my ookos. “It was them that went for me, brothers. You’re not on their side and can’t be. You can’t be, Dim. It was a veck we fillied with once in the old days trying to get his own malenky bit of revenge after all this long time.”
“Long time is right,” said Dim. “I don’t remember them days too horrorshow. Don’t call me Dim no more, either. Officer call me.”
“Enough is remembered, though,” Billyboy kept nodding. He was not so fatty as he had been. “Naughty little malchicks handy with cut-throat britvas—these must be kept under.” And they took me in a real strong grip and like walked me out of the Biblio. There was a millicent patrol-car waiting outside, and this veck they called Rex was the driver. They like tolchocked me into the back of this auto, and I couldn’t help feeling it was all really like a joke, and that Dim anyway would pull his shlem off his gulliver and go haw haw haw. But he didn’t. I said, trying to fight the strack inside me:
“And old Pete, what happened to old Pete? It was sad about Georgie,” I said. “I slooshied all about that.”
“Pete, oh yes, Pete,” said Dim. “I seem to remember like the name.” I could viddy we were driving out of town. I said:
“Where are we supposed to be going?”
Billyboy turned round from the front to say: “It’s light still. A little drive into the country, all winter-bare but lonely and lovely. It is not right, not always, for lewdies in the town to viddy too much of our summary punishments. Streets must be kept clean in more than one way.” And he turned to the front again.
“Come,” I said. “I just don’t get this at all. The old days are dead and gone days. For what I did in the past I have been punished. I have been cured.”
“That was read out to us,” said Dim. “The Super read all that out to us. He said it was a very good way.”
“Read to you,” I said, a malenky bit nasty. “You still too dim to read for yourself, O brother?”
“Ah, no,” said Dim, very like gentle and like regretful. “Not to speak like that. Not no more, droogie.” And he launched a bolshy tolchock right on my cluve, so that all red red nose-krovvy started to drip drip drip.
“There was never any trust,” I said, bitter, wiping off the krovvy with my rooker. “I was always on my oddy knocky.”
“This will do,” said Billyboy. We were now in the country and it was all bare trees and a few odd distant like twitters, and in the distance there was some like farm machine making a whirring shoom. It was getting all dusk now, this being the height of winter. There were no lewdies about, nor no animals. There was just the four. “Get out, Alex boy,” said Dim. “Just a malenky bit of summary.”
All through what they did this driver veck just sat at the wheel of the auto, smoking a cancer, reading a malenky bit of a book. He had the light on in the auto to viddy by. He took no notice of what Billyboy and Dim did to your Humble Narrator. I will not go into what they did, but it was all like panting and thudding against this like background of whirring farm engines and the twittwittwittering in the bare or nagoy branches. You could viddy a bit of smoky breath in the auto light, this driver turning the pages over quite calm. And they were on to me all the time, O my brothers. Then Billyboy or Dim, I couldn’t say which one, said: “About enough, droogie. I should think, shouldn’t you?” Then they gave me one final tolchock on the litso each and I fell over and just laid there on the grass. It was cold but I was not feeling the cold. Then they dusted their rookers and put back on their shlems and tunics which they had taken off, and then they got back into the auto. “Be viddying you some more sometime, Alex,” said Billyboy, and Dim just gave one of his old clowny guffs. The driver finished the page he was reading and put his book away, then he started the auto and they were off townwards, my ex-droog and ex-enemy waving. But I just laid there, fagged and shagged.
After a bit I was hurting bad, and then the rain started, all icy. I could viddy no lewdies in sight, nor no lights of houses. Where was I to go, who had no home and not much cutter in my carmans? I cried for myself boo hoo hoo. Then I got up and started walking.
Home, home, home, it was home I was wanting, and it was HOME I came to, brothers. I walked through the dark and followed not the town way but the way where the shoom of a like farm machine had been coming from. This brought me to a sort of village I felt I had viddied before, but was perhaps because all villages look the same, in the dark especially. Here were houses and there was a like drinking mesto, and right at the end of the village there was a malenky cottage on its oddy knocky, and I could viddy its name shining on the gate.
HOME, it said. I was all dripping wet with this icy rain, so that my platties were no longer in the heighth of fashion but real miserable and like pathetic, and my luscious glory was a wet tangle cally mess all spread over my gulliver, and I was sure there were cuts and bruises all over my litso, and a couple of my zoobies sort of joggled loose when I touched them with my tongue or yahzick. And I was sore all over my plott and very thirsty, so that I kept opening my rot to the cold rain, and my stomach growled grrrrr all the time with not having had any pishcha since morning and then not very much, O my brothers.
HOME, it said, and perhaps here would be some veck to help. I opened the gate and sort of slithered down the path, the rain like turning to ice, and then I knocked gentle and pathetic on the door. No veck came, so I knocked a malenky bit longer and louder, and then I heard the shoom of nogas coming to the door. Then the door opened and a male goloss said: “Yes, what is it?”
“Oh,” I said, “please help. I’ve been beaten up by the police and just left to die on the road. Oh, please give me a drink of something and a sit by the fire, please, sir.”
The door opened full then, and I could viddy like warm light and a fire going crackle crackle within. “Come in,” said this veck, “whoever you are. God help you, you poor victim, come in and let’s have a look at you.” So I like staggered in, and it was no big act I was putting on, brothers, I really felt done and finished. This kind veck put his rookers round my pletchoes and pulled me into this room where the fire was, and of course I knew right away now where it was and why HOME on the gate looked so familiar. I looked at this veck and he looked at me in a kind sort of way, and I remembered him well now. Of course he would not remember me, for in those carefree days I and my so-called droogs did all our bolshy dratsing and fillying and crasting in maskies which were real horrorshow disguises. He was a shortish veck in middle age, thirty, forty, fifty, and he had otchkies on. “Sit down by the fire,” he said, “and I’ll get you some whisky and warm water. Dear dear dear, somebody has been beating you up.” And he gave a like tender look at my gulliver and litso.
“The police,” I said. “The horrible ghastly police.”
“Another victim,” he said, like sighing. “A victim of the modern age. I’ll go and get you that whisky and then I must clean up your wounds a little.” And off he went. I had a look round this malenky comfortable room. It was nearly all books now and a fire and a couple of chairs, and you could viddy somehow that there wasn’t a woman living there. On the table was a typewriter and a lot of like tumbled papers, and I remembered that this veck was a writer veck. ‘A Clockwork Orange,’ that had been it. It was funny that that stuck in my mind. I must not let on, though, for I needed help and kindness now. Those horrible grahzny bratchnies in that terrible white mesto had done that to me, making me need help and kindness now and forcing me to want to give help and kindness myself, if anybody would take it.
“Here we are, then,” said this veck returning. He gave me this hot stimulating glassful to peet, and it made me feel better, and then he cleaned up these cuts on my litso. Then he said:
“You have a nice hot bath, I’ll draw it for you, and then you can tell me all about it over a nice hot supper which I’ll get ready while you’re having the bath.” O my brothers, I could have wept at his kindness, and I think he must have viddied the old tears in my glazzies, for he said: “There there there,” patting me on the pletcho.
Anyway, I went up and had this hot bath, and he brought in pyjamas and an over-gown for me to put on, all warmed by the fire, also a very worn pair of toofles. And now, brothers, though I was aching and full of pains all over, I felt I would soon feel a lot better. I ittied downstairs and viddied that in the kitchen he had set the table with knives and forks and a fine big loaf of kleb, also a bottle of PRIMA SAUCE, and soon he served out a nice fry of eggiwegs and lomticks of ham and bursting sausages and big bolshy mugs of hot sweet milky chai. It was nice sitting there in the warm, eating, and I found I was very hungry, so that after the fry I had to eat lomtick after lomtick of kleb and butter spread with strawberry jam out of a bolshy great pot. “A lot better,” I said. “How can I ever repay?”
“I think I know who you are,” he said. “If you are who I think you are, then you’ve come, my friend, to the right place. Wasn’t that your picture in the papers this morning? Are you the poor victim of this horrible new technique? If so, then you have been sent here by Providence. Tortured in prison, then thrown out to be tortured by the police. My heart goes out to you, poor poor boy.” Brothers, I could not get a slovo in, though I had my rot wide open to answer his questions.
“You are not the first to come here in distress,” he said. “The police are fond of bringing their victims to the outskirts of this village. But it is providential that you, who are also another kind of victim, should come here. Perhaps, then, you have heard of me?”
I had to be very careful, brothers. I said: “I have heard of ‘A Clockwork Orange.’ I have not read it, but I have heard of it.”
“Ah,” he said, and his litso shone like the sun in its flaming morning glory. “Now tell me about yourself.”
“Little enough to tell, sir,” I said, all humble. “There was a foolish and boyish prank, my so-called friends persuading or rather forcing me to break into the house of an old ptitsa—lady, I mean. There was no real harm meant. Unfortunately the lady strained her good old heart in trying to throw me out, though I was quite ready to go of my own accord, and then she died. I was accused of being the cause of her death. So I was sent to prison,sir.”
“Yes yes yes, go on.”
“Then I was picked out by the Minister of the Inferior or Interior to have this Ludovico’s veshch tried out on me.”
“Tell me all about it,” he said, leaning forward eager, his pullover elbows with all strawberry jam on them from the plate I’d pushed to one side. So I told him all about it. I told him the lot, all, my brothers. He was very eager to hear all, his glazzies like shining and his goobers apart, while the grease on the plates grew harder harder harder. When I had finished he got up from the table, nodding a lot and going hm hm hm, picking up the plates and other veshches from the table and taking them to the sink for washing up. I said:
“I will do that, sir, and gladly.”
“Rest, rest, poor lad,” he said, turning the tap on so that all steam came burping out. “You’ve sinned, I suppose, but your punishment has been out of all proportion. They have turned you into something other than a human being. You have no power of choice any longer. You are committed to socially acceptable acts, a little machine capable only of good. And I see that clearly—that business about the marginal conditionings. Music and the sexual act, literature and art, all must be a source now not of pleasure but of pain.”
“That’s right, sir,” I said, smoking one of this kind man’s cork-tipped cancers.
“They always bite off too much,” he said, drying a plate like absent-mindedly. “But the essential intention is the real sin. A man who cannot choose ceases to be a man.”
“That’s what the charles said, sir,” I said. “The prison chaplain, I mean.”
“Did he, did he? Of course he did. He’d have to, wouldn’t he, being a Christian? Well, now then,” he said, still wiping the same plate he’d been wiping ten minutes ago, “we shall have a few people in to see you tomorrow. I think you can be used, poor boy. I think that you can help dislodge this overbearing Government. To turn a decent young man into a piece of clockwork should not, surely, be seen as any triumph for any government, save one that boasts of its repressiveness.” He was still wiping this same plate. I said:
“Sir, you’re still wiping that same plate, I agree with you, sir, about boasting. This Government seems to be very boastful.”
“Oh,” he said, like viddying this plate for the first time and then putting it down. “I’m still not too handy,” he said, “with domestic chores. My wife used to do them all and leave me to my writing.”
“Your wife, sir?” I said. “Has she gone and left you?” I really wanted to know about his wife, remembering very well.
“Yes, left me,” he said, in a like loud and bitter goloss. “She died, you see. She was brutally raped and beaten. The shock was very great. It was in this house,” his rookers were trembling, holding a wiping-up cloth, “in that room next door. I have had to steel myself to continue to live here, but she would have wished me to stay where her fragrant memory still lingers. Yes yes yes. Poor little girl.” I viddied all clearly, my brothers, what had happened that far-off nochy, and viddying myself on that job, I began to feel I wanted to sick and the pain started up in my gulliver. This veck viddied this, because my litso felt it was all drained of red red krovvy, very pale, and he would be able to viddy this. “You go to bed now,” he said kindly. “I’ve got the spare room ready. Poor poor boy, you must have had a terrible time. A victim of the modern age, just as she was. Poor poor poor girl.”
I had a real horrorshow night’s sleep, brothers, with no dreams at all, and the morning was very clear and like frosty, and there was the very pleasant like von of breakfast frying away down below. It took me some little time to remember where I was, as it always does, but it soon came back to me and then I felt like warmed and protected. But, as I laid there in the bed, waiting to be called down to breakfast, it struck me that I ought to get to know the name of this kind protecting and like motherly veck, so I had a pad round in my nagoy nogas looking for ‘A Clockwork Orange,’ which would be bound to have his eemya in, he being the author. There was nothing in my bedroom except a bed and a chair and a light, so I ittied next door to this veck’s own room, and there I viddied his wife on the wall, a bolshy blown-up photo, so I felt a malenky bit sick remembering. But there were two or three shelves of books there too, and there was, as I thought there must be, a copy of ‘A Clockwork Orange,’ and on the back of the book, like on the spine, was the author’s eemya—F. Alexander. Good Bog, I thought, he is another Alex. Then I leafed through, standing in his pyjamas and bare nogas but not feeling one malenky bit cold, the cottage being warm all through, and I could not viddy what the book was about. It seemed written in a very bezoomny like style, full of Ah and Oh and all that cal, but what seemed to come out of it was that all lewdies nowadays were being turned into machines and that they were really—you and me and him and kiss-my-sharries—more like a natural growth like a fruit. F. Alexander seemed to think that we all like grow on what he called the world-tree in the world-orchard that like Bog or God planted, and we were there because Bog or God had need of us to quench his thirsty love, or some such cal. I didn’t like the shoom of this at all, O my brothers, and wondered how bezoomny this F. Alexander really was, perhaps driven bezoomny by his wife’s snuffing it. But then he called me down in a like sane veck’s goloss, full of joy and love and all that cal, so down Your Humble Narrator went.
“You’ve slept long,” he said, ladling out boiled eggs and pulling black toast from under the grill. “It’s nearly ten already. I’ve been up hours, working.”
“Writing another book, sir?” I said.
“No no, not that now,” he said, and we sat down nice and droogy to the old crack crack crack of eggs and crackle crunch crunch of this black toast, very milky chai standing by in bolshy great morning mugs. “No, I’ve been on the phone to various people.”
“I thought you didn’t have a phone,” I said, spooning egg in and not watching out what I was saying.
“Why?” he said, very alert like some skorry animal with an egg-spoon in its rooker. “Why shouldn’t you think I have a phone?”
“Nothing,” I said, “nothing, nothing.” And I wondered, brothers, how much he remembered of the earlier part of that distant nochy, me coming to the door with the old tale and saying to phone the doctor and she saying no phone. He took a very close smot at me but then went back to being like kind and cheerful and spooning up the old eggiweg. Munching away, he said:
“Yes, I’ve rung up various people who will be interested in your case. You can be a very potent weapon, you see, in ensuring that this present evil and wicked Government is not returned in the forthcoming election. The Government’s big boast, you see, is the way it has dealt with crime these last months.” He looked at me very close again over his steaming egg, and I wondered again if he was viddying what part I had so far played in his jeezny. But he said: “Recruiting brutal young roughs for the police. Proposing debilitating and will-sapping techniques of conditioning.” All these long slovos, brothers, and a like mad or bezoomny look in his glazzies. “We’ve seen it all before,” he said, “in other countries. The thin end of the wedge. Before we know where we are we shall have the full apparatus of totalitarianism.” “Dear dear dear,” I thought, egging away and toast-crunching. I said:
“Where do I come into all this, sir?”
“You,” he said, still with this bezoomny look, “are a living witness to these diabolical proposals. The people, the common people must know, must see.” He got up from his breakfast and started to walk up and down the kitchen, from the sink to the like larder, saying very gromky: “Would they like their sons to become what you, poor victim, have become? Will not the Government itself now decide what is and what is not crime and pump out the life and guts and will of whoever sees fit to displeasure the Government? He became quieter but did not go back to his egg. “I’ve written an article,” he said, “this morning, while you were sleeping. That will be out in a day or so, together with your unhappy picture. You shall sign it, poor boy, a record of what they have done to you.” I said:
“And what do you get out of all this, sir? I mean, besides the pretty polly you’ll get for the article, as you call it? I mean, why are you so hot and strong against this Government, if I may make like so bold as to ask?”
He gripped the edge of the table and said, gritting his zoobies, which were very cally and all stained with cancer-smoke: “Some of us have to fight. There are great traditions of liberty to defend. I am no partisan man. Where I see the infamy I seek to erase it. Party names mean nothing. The tradition of liberty means all. The common people will let it go, oh yes. They will sell liberty for a quieter life. That is why they must be prodded, prodded—” And here, brothers, he picked up a fork and stuck it two or three razzes into the wall, so that it got all bent. Then he threw it on the floor. Very kindly he said: “Eat well, poor boy, poor victim of the modern world,” and I could viddy quite clear he was going off his gulliver. “Eat, eat. Eat my egg as well.” But I said:
“And what do I get out of this? Do I get cured of the way I am? Do I find myself able to slooshy the old Choral Symphony without being sick once more? Can I live like a normal jeezny again? What, sir, happens to me?”
He looked at me, brothers, as if he hadn’t thought of that before and, anyway, it didn’t matter compared with Liberty and all that cal, and he had a look of surprise at me saying what I said, as though I was being like selfish in wanting something for myself. Then he said: “Oh, as I say, you’re a living witness, poor boy. Eat up all your breakfast and then come and see what I’ve written, for it’s going into ‘The Weekly Trumpet’ under your name, you unfortunate victim.”
Well, brothers, what he had written was a very long and very weepy piece of writing, and as I read it I felt very sorry for the poor malchick who was govoreeting about his sufferings and how the Government had sapped his will and how it was up to all lewdies to not let such a rotten and evil Government rule them again, and then of course I realized that the poor suffering malchick was none other than Y. H. N.
“Very good,” I said. “Real horrorshow. Written well thou hast, O sir.” And then he looked at me very narrow and said:
“What?” It was like he had not slooshied me before.
“Oh, that,” I said, “is what we call nadsat talk. All the teens use that, sir.” So then he ittied off to the kitchen to wash up the dishes, and I was left in these borrowed night platties and toofles, waiting to have done to me what was going to be done to me, because I had no plans for myself, O my brothers.
While the great F. Alexander was in the kitchen a dingalingaling came at the door. “Ah,” he creeched, coming out wiping his rookers, “it will be these people. I’ll go.” So he went and let them in, a kind of rumbling hahaha of talk and hallo and filthy weather and how are things in the hallway, then they ittied into the room with the fire and the book and the article about how I had suffered, viddying me and going Aaaaah as they did it. There were three lewdies, and F. Alex gave me their eemyas. Z.Dolin was a very wheezy smoky kind of a veck, coughing kashl kashl kashl with the end of a cancer in his rot, spilling ash all down his platties and then brushing it away with like very impatient rookers. He was a malenky round veck, fat, with big thick-framed otchkies on. Then there was Something Something Rubinstein, a very tall and polite chelloveck with a real gentleman’s goloss, very starry with a like eggy beard. And lastly there was D. B. da Silva who was like skorry in his movements and had this strong von of scent coming from him. They all had a real horrorshow look at me and seemed like overjoyed with what they viddied. Z. Dolin said:
“All right, all right, eh? What a superb device he can be, this boy. If anything, of course, he could for preference look even iller and more zombyish than he does. Anything for the cause. No doubt we can think of something.”
I did not like that crack about zombyish, brothers, and so I said: “What goes on, bratties? What dost thou in mind for thy little droog have?” And the F. Alexander swooshed in with:
“Strange, strange, that manner of voice pricks me. We’ve come into contact before, I’m sure we have.” And he brooded, like frowning. I would have to watch this, O my brothers. D. B. da Silva said:
“Public meetings, mainly. To exhibit you at public meetings will be a tremendous help. And, of course, the newspaper angle is all tied up. A ruined life is the approach. We must inflame all hearts.” He showed his thirty-odd zoobies, very white against his dark-coloured litso, he looking a malenky bit like some foreigner. I said:
“Nobody will tell me what I get out of all this. Tortured in jail, thrown out of my home by my own parents and their filthy overbearing lodger, beaten by old men and near-killed by the millicents—what is to become of me?” The Rubinstein veck came in with:
“You will see, boy, that the Party will not be ungrateful. Oh, no. At the end of it all there will be some very acceptable little surprise for you. Just you wait and see.”
“There’s only one veshch I require,” I creeched out, “and that’s to be normal and healthy as I was in the starry days, having my malenky bit of fun with real droogs and not those who just call themselves that and are really more like traitors. Can you do that, eh? Can any veck restore me to what I was? That’s what I want and that’s what I want to know.”
Kashl kashl kashl, coughed this Z. Dolin. “A martyr to the cause of Liberty.” he said. “You have your part to play and don’t forget it. Meanwhile, we shall look after you.” And he began to stroke my left rooker as if I was like an idiot, grinning in a bezoomny way. I creeched:
“Stop treating me like a thing that’s like got to be just used. I’m not an idiot you can impose on, you stupid bratchnies. Ordinary prestoopnicks are stupid, but I’m not ordinary and nor am I dim. Do you slooshy?”
“Dim,” said F. Alexander, like musing. “Dim. That was a name somewhere. Dim.”
“Eh?” I said. “What’s Dim got to do with it? What do you know about Dim?” And then I said: “Oh, Bog help us.” I didn’t like the look in F. Alexander’s glazzies. I made for the door, wanting to go upstairs and get my platties and then itty off.
“I could almost believe,” said F. Alexander, showing his stained zoobies, his glazzies mad. “But such things are impossible. For, by Christ, if he were I’d tear him. I’d split him, by God, yes yes, so I would.”
“There,” said D. B. da Silva, stroking his chest like he was a doggie to calm him down. “It’s all in the past. It was other people altogether. We must help this poor victim. That’s what we must do now, remembering the Future and our Cause.”
“I’ll just get my platties,” I said, at the stair-foot, “that is to say clothes, and then I’ll be ittying off all on my oddy knocky. I mean, my gratitude for all, but I have my own jeezny to live.” Because, brothers, I wanted to get out of here real skorry. But Z. Dolin said:
“Ah, no. We have you, friend, and we keep you. You come with us. Everything will be all right, you’ll see.” And he came up to me like to grab hold of my rooker again. Then, brothers, I thought of fight, but thinking of fight made me like want to collapse and sick, so I just stood. And then I saw this like madness in F. Alexander’s glazzies and said:
“Whatever you say. I am in your rookers. But let’s get it started and all over, brothers.” Because what I wanted now was to get out of this mesto called HOME. I was beginning not to like the look of the glazzies of F. Alexander one malenky bit.
“Good,” said this Rubinstein. “Get dressed and let’s get started.”
“Dim dim dim,” F. Alexander kept saying in a like low mutter. “What or who was this Dim?” I ittied upstairs real skorry and dressed in near two seconds flat. Then I was out with these three and into an auto, Rubinstein one side of me and Z. Dolin coughing kashl kashl kashl the other side. D. B. da Silva doing the driving, into the town and to a flatblock not really all that distant from what had used to be my own flatblock or home. “Come, boy, out,” said Z. Dolin, coughing to make the cancer-end in his rot glow red like some malenky furnace. “This is where you shall be installed.” So we ittied in, and there was like another of these Dignity of Labour veshches on the wall of the vestibule, and we upped in the lift, brothers, and then went into a flat like all the flats of all the flatblocks of the town. Very very malenky, with two bedrooms and one live-eat-work-room, the table of this all covered with books and papers and ink and bottles and all that cal. “Here is your new home,” said D. B. da Silva. “Settle here, boy. Food is in the food-cupboard. Pyjamas are in a drawer. Rest, rest, perturbed spirit.”
“Eh?” I said, not quite ponying that.
“All right,” said Rubinstein, with his starry goloss. “We are now leaving you. Work has to be done. We’ll be with you later. Occupy yourself as best you can.”
“One thing,” coughed Z. Dolin kashl kashl kashl. “You saw what stirred in the tortured memory of our friend F. Alexander. Was it, by chance—? That is to say, did you—? I think you know what I mean. We won’t let it go any further.”
“I’ve paid,” I said. “Bog knows I’ve paid for what I did. I’ve paid not only for like myself but for those bratchnies too that called themselves my droogs.” I felt violent so then I felt a bit sick. “I’ll lay down a bit,” I said. “I’ve been through terrible terrible times.”
“You have,” said D. B. da Silva, showing all his thirty zoobies. “You do that.”
So they left me, brothers. They ittied off about their business, which I took to be about politics and all that cal, and I was on the bed, all on my oddy knocky with everything very very quiet. I just laid there with my sabogs kicked off my nogas and my tie loose, like all bewildered and not knowing what sort of a jeezny I was going to live now. And all sorts of like pictures kept like passing through my gulliver, of the different chellovecks I’d met at school and in the Staja, and the different veshches that had happened to me, and how there was not one veck you could trust in the whole bolshy world. And then I like dozed off, brothers.
When I woke up I could hear slooshy music coming out of the wall, real gromky, and it was that that had dragged me out of my bit of like sleep. It was a symphony that I knew real horrorshow but had not slooshied for many a year, namely the Symphony Number Three of the Danish veck Otto Skadelig, a very gromky and violent piece, especially in the first movement, which was what was playing now. I slooshied for two seconds in like interest and joy, but then it all came over me, the start of the pain and the sickness, and I began to groan deep down in my keeshkas. And then there I was, me who had loved music so much, crawling off the bed and going oh oh oh to myself and then bang bang banging on the wall creching: “Stop, stop it, turn it off!” But it went on and it seemed to be like louder. So I crashed at the wall till my knuckles were all red red krovvy and torn skin, creeching and creeching, but the music did not stop. Then I thought I had to get away from it, so I lurched out of the malenky bedroom and ittied skorry to the front door of the flat, but this had been locked from the outside and I could not get out. And all the time the music got more and more gromky, like it was all a deliberate torture, O my brothers. So I stuck my little fingers real deep in my ookos, but the trombones and kettledrums blasted through gromky enough. So I creeched again for them to stop and went hammer hammer hammer on the wall, but it made not one malenky bit of difference. “Oh, what am I to do?” I boohooed to myself. “Oh, Bog in Heaven help me.” I was like wandering all over the flat in pain and sickness, trying to shut out the music and like groaning deep out of my guts, and then on top of the pile of books and papers and all that cal that was on the tablein the living room I viddied what I had to do and what I had wanted to do until those old men in the Public Biblio and then Dim and Billyboy disguised as rozzes stopped me, and that was to do myself in, to snuff it, to blast off for ever out of this wicked and cruel world. What I viddied was the slovo DEATH on the cover of a like pamphlet, even though it was only DEATH to THE GOVERNMENT. And like it was Fate there was another malenky booklet which had an open window on the cover, and it said:
“Open the window to fresh air, fresh ideas, a new way of living.” And so I knew that was like telling me to finish it all off by jumping out. One moment of pain, perhaps, and then sleep for ever and ever and ever.
The music was still pouring in all brass and drums and the violins miles up through the wall. The window in the room where I had laid down was open. I ittied to it and viddied a fair drop to the autos and buses and waiting chellovecks below. I creeched out to the world: “Good-bye, good-bye, may Bog forgive you for a ruined life.” Then I got on to the sill, the music blasting away to my left, and I shut my glazzies and felt the cold wind on my litso, then I jumped.
I jumped, O my brothers, and I fell on the sidewalk hard, but I did not snuff it, oh no. If I had snuffed it I would not be here to write what I written have. It seems that the jump was not from a big enough heighth to kill. But I cracked my back and my wrists and nogas and felt very bolshy pain before I passed out, brothers, with astonished and surprised litsos of chellovecks in the streets looking at me from above. And just before I passed out I viddied clear that not one chelloveck in the whole horrid world was for me and that that music through the wall had all been like arranged by those who were supposed to be my like new droogs and that it was some veshch like this that they wanted for their horrible selfish and boastful politics. All that was in like a million millionth part of one minoota before I threw over the world and the sky and the litsos of the staring chellovecks that were above me.
Where I was when I came back to jeezny after a long black black gap of it might have been a million years was a hospital, all white and with this von of hospitals you get, all like sour and smug and clean. These antiseptic veshches you get in hospitals should have a real horrorshow von of like frying onions or of flowers. I came very slow back to knowing who I was and I was all bound up in white and I could not feel anything in my plott, pain nor sensation nor any veshch at all. All round my gulliver was a bandage and there were bits of stuff like stuck to my litso, and my rookers were all in bandages and like bits of stick were like fixed to my fingers like on it might be flowers to make them grow straight, and my poor old nogas were all straightened out too, and it was all bandages and wire cages and into my right rooker, near the pletcho, was red red krovvy dripping from a jar upside down. But I could not feel anything, O my brothers. There was a nurse sitting by my bed and she was reading some book that was all very dim print and you could viddy it was a story because of a lot of inverted commas, and she was like breathing hard uh uh uh over it, so it must have been a story about the old in-out in-out. She was a real horrorshow devotchka, this nurse, with a very red rot and like long lashes over her glazzies, and under her like very stiff uniform you could viddy she had very horrorshow groodies. So I said to her: “What gives, O my little sister? Come thou and have a nice lay-down with your malenky droog in this bed.” But the slovos didn’t come out horrorshow at all, it being as though my rot was all stiffened up, and I could feel with my yahzick that some of my zoobies were no longer there. But this nurse like jumped and dropped her book on the floor and said:
“Oh, you’ve recovered consciousness.”
That was like a big rotful for a malenky ptitsa like her, and I tried to say so, but the slovos came out only like er er er. She ittied off and left me on my oddy knocky, and I could viddy now that I was in a malenky room of my own, not in one of these long wards like I had been in as a very little malchick, full of coughing dying starry vecks all around to make you want to get well and fit again. It had been like diphtheria I had had then, O my brothers.
It was like now as though I could not hold to being conscious all that long, because I was like asleep again almost right away, very skorry, but in a minoota or two I was sure that this nurse ptitsa had come back and had brought chellovecks in white coats with her and they were viddying me very frowning and going hm hm hm at Your Humble Narrator. And with them I was sure there was the old charles from the Staja govoreeting: “Oh my son, my son,” breathing a like very stale von of whisky on to me and then saying: “But I would not stay, oh no. I could not in no wise subscribe to what those bratchnies are going to do to other poor prestoopnicks. O I got out and am preaching sermons now about it all, my little beloved son in J. C.”
I woke up again later on and who should I viddy there round the bed but the three from whose flat I had jumped out, namely D. B. da Silva and Something Something Rubinstein and Z. Dolin. “Friend,” one of these vecks was saying, but I could not viddy, or slooshy horrorshow which one, “friend, little friend,” this goloss was saying, “the people are on fire with indignation. You have killed those horrible boastful villains’ chances of re-election. They will go and will go for ever and ever. You have served Liberty well.” I tried to say:
“If I had died it would have been even better for you political bratchnies, would it not, pretending and treacherous droogs as you are.” But all that came out was er er er. Then one of these three seemed to hold out a lot of bits cut from gazettas and what I could viddy was a horrible picture of me all krovvy on a stretcher being carried off and I seemed to like remember a kind of a popping of lights which must have been photographer vecks. Out of one glazz I could read like headlines which were sort of trembling in the rooker of the chelloveck that held them, like BOY VICTIM OF CRIMINAL REFORM SCHEME and GOVERNMENT AS MURDERER and there was like a picture of a veck that looked familiar to me and it said OUT OUT OUT, and that would be the Minister of the Inferior or Interior. Then the nurse ptitsa said:
“You shouldn’t be exciting him like that. You shouldn’t be doing anything that will make him upset. Now come on, let’s have you out.” I tried to say:
“Out out out,” but it was er er er again. Anyway, these three political vecks went. And I went, too, only back to the land, back to all blackness lit up by like odd dreams which I didn’t know whether they were dreams or not, O my brothers. Like for instance I had this idea of my whole plott or body being like emptied of as it might be dirty water and then filled up again with clean. And then there were really lovely and horrorshow dreams of being in some veck’s auto that had been crasted by me and driving up and down the world all on my oddy knocky running lewdies down and hearing them creech they were dying, and in me no pain and no sickness. And also there were dreams of doing the old in-out in-out with devotchkas, forcing like them down on the ground and making them have it and everybody standing around claping their rookers and cheering like bezoomny. And then I woke up again and it was my pee and em come to viddy their ill son, my em boohooing real horrorshow. I could govoreet a lot better now and could say: “Well well well well well, what gives? What makes you think you are like welcome?” My papapa said, in a like ashamed way:
“You were in the papers, son. It said they had done great wrong to you. It said how the Government drove you to try and do yourself in. And it was our fault too, in a way, son. Your home’s your home, when all’s said and done, son.” And my mum kept on going boohoohoo and looking ugly as kiss-my-sharries. So I said:
“And how beeth the new son Joe? Well and healthy and prosperous, I trust and pray?” My mum said:
“Oh, Alex Alex. Owwwwwwww.” My papapa said:
“A very awkward thing, son. He got into a bit of trouble with the police and was done by the police.”
“Really?” I said. “Really? Such a good sort of chelloveck and all. Amazed proper I am, honest.”
“Minding his own business he was,” said my pee. “And the police told him to move on. Waiting at a corner he was, son, to see a girl he was going to meet. And they told him to move on and he said he had rights like everybody else, and then they sort of fell on top of him and hit him about cruel.”
“Terrible,” I said. “Really terrible. And where is the poor boy now?”
“Owwwww,” boohooed my mum. “Gone back owwwwwwme.”
“Yes,” said dad. “He’s gone back to his own home town to get better. They’ve had to give his job here to somebody else.”
“So now,” I said, “You’re willing for me to move back in again and things be like they were before.”
“Yes, son,” said my papapa. “Please, son.”
“I’ll consider it,” I said. “I’ll think about it real careful.”
“Owwwww,” went my mum.
“Ah, shut it,” I said, “or I’ll give you something proper to yowl and creech about. Kick your zoobies in I will.” And, O my brothers, saying that made me feel a malenky bit better, as if all like fresh red red krovvy was flowing all through my plott. That was something I had to think about. It was like as though to get better I had had to get worse.
“That’s no way to speak to your mother, son,” said my papapa. “After all, she brought you into the world.”
“Yes,” I said. “And a right grahzny vonny world too.” I shut my glazzies tight in like pain and said: “Go away now. I’ll think about coming back. But things will have to be very different.”
“Yes, son,” said my pee. “Anything you say.”
“You’ll have to make up your mind,” I said, “who’s to be boss.”
“Owwwwww,” my mum went on.
“Very good, son,” said my papapa. “Things will be as you like. Only get well.”
When they had gone I laid and thought a bit about different veshches, like all different pictures passing through my gulliver, and when the nurse ptitsa came back in and like straightened the sheets on the bed I said to her:
“How long is it I’ve been in here?”
“A week or so,” she said.
“And what have they been doing to me?”
“Well,” she said, “you were all broken up and bruised and had sustained severe concussion and had lost a lot of blood. They’ve had to put all that right, haven’t they?”
“But,” I said, “has anyone been doing anything with my gulliver? What I mean is, have they been playing around with inside like my brain?”
“Whatever they’ve done,” she said, “it’ll all be for the best.”
But a couple of days later a couple of like doctor vecks came in, both youngish vecks with these very sladky smiles, and they had like a picture book with them. One of them said:
“We want you to have a look at these and to tell us what you think about them. All right?”
“What giveth, O little droogies?” I said. “What new bezoomny idea dost thou in mind have?” So they both had a like embarrassed smeck at that and then they sat down either side of the bed and opened up this book. On the first page there was like a photograph of a bird-nest full of eggs.
“Yes?” one of these doctor vecks said.
“A bird-nest,” I said, “full of like eggs. Very very nice.”
“And what would you like to do about it?” the other one said.
“Oh,” I said, “smash them. Pick up the lot and like throw them against a wall or a cliff or something and then viddy them all smash up real horrorshow.”
“Good good,” they both said, and then the page was turned. It was like a picture of one of these bolshy great birds called peacocks with all its tail spread out in all colours in a very boastful way. “Yes?” said one of these vecks.
“I would like,” I said, “to pull out like all those feathers in its tail and slooshy it creech blue murder. For being so like boastful.”
“Good,” they both said, “good good good.” And they went on turning the pages. There were like pictures of real horrorshow devotchkas, and I said I would like to give them the old in-out in-out with lots of ultra-violence. There were like pictures of chellovecks being given the boot straight in the litso and all red red krovvy everywhere and I said I would like to be in on that. And there was a picture of the old nagoy droog of the prison charlie’s carrying his cross up a hill, and I said I would like to have the old hammer and nails. Good good good, I said:
“What is all this?”
“Deep hypnopaedia,” or some such slovo, said one of these two vecks. “You seem to be cured.”
“Cured?” I said. “Me tied down to this bed like this and you say cured? Kiss my sharries is what I say.”
So I waited and, O my brothers, I got a lot better, munching away at eggiwegs and lomticks of toast and peeting bolshy great mugs of milky chai, and then one day they said I was going to have a very very very special visitor.
“Who?” I said, while they straightened the bed and combed my luscious glory for me, me having the bandage off now from my gulliver and the hair growing again.
“You’ll see, you’ll see,” they said. And I viddied all right. At two-thirty of the afternoon there were like all photographers and men from gazettas with noteboks and pencils and all that cal. And, brothers, they near trumpeted a bolshy fanfare for this great and important veck who was coming to viddy Your Humble Narrator. And in he came, and of course it was none other than the Minister of the Interior or Inferior, dressed in the heighth of fashion and with this very upper-class haw haw goloss. Flash flash bang went the cameras when he put out his rooker to me to shake it. I said:
“Well well well well well. What giveth then, old droogie?”
Nobody seemed to quite pony that, but somebody said in a like harsh goloss:
“Be more respectful, boy, in addressing the Minister.”
“Yarbles,” I said, like snarling like a doggie. “Bolshy great yarblockos to thee and thine.”
“All right, all right,” said the Interior Inferior one very skorry. “He speaks to me as a friend, don’t you, son?”
“I am everyone’s friend,” I said. “Except to my enemies.”
“Well,” said the Int Inf Min, sitting down by my bed. “I and the Government of which I am a member want you to regard us as friends. Yes, friends. We have put you right, yes? You are getting the best of treatment. We never wished you harm, but there are some who did and do. And I think you know who those are.”
“Yes yes yes,” he said. “There are certain men who wanted to use you, yes, use you for political ends. They would have been glad, yes, glad for you to be dead, for they thought they could then blame it all on the Government. I think you know who those men are.”
“There is a man,” said the Intinfmin, “called F. Alexander, a writer of subversive literature, who has been howling for your blood. He has been mad with desire to stick a knife in you. But you’re safe from him now. We put him away.”
“He was supposed to be like a droogie,” I said. “Like a mother to me was what he was.”
“He found out that you had done wrong to him. At least,” said the Min very very skorry, “he believed you had done wrong. He formed this idea in his mind that you had been responsible for the death of someone near and dear to him.”
“What you mean,” I said, “is that he was told.”
“He had this idea,” said the Min. “He was a menace. We put him away for his own protection. And also,” he said, “for yours.”
“Kind,” I said. “Most kind of thou.”
“When you leave here,” said the Min, “you will have no worries. We shall see to everything. A good job on a good salary. Because you are helping us.”
“Am I?” I said.
“We always help our friends, don’t we?” And then he took my rooker and some veck creeched: “Smile!” and I smiled like bezoomny without thinking, and then flash flash crack flash bang there were pictures being taken of me and the Intinfmin all droogy together. “Good boy,” said this great chelloveck.
“Good good boy. And now, see, a present.”
What was brought in now, brothers, was a big shiny box, and I viddied clear what sort of a veshch it was. It was a stereo. It was put down next to the bed and opened up and some veck plugged its lead into the wall-socket. “What shall it be?” asked a veck with otchkies on his nose, and he had in his rookers lovely shiny sleeves full of music. “Mozart? Beethoven? Schoenberg? Carl Orff?”
“The Ninth,” I said. “The glorious Ninth.”
And the Ninth it was, O my brothers. Everybody began to leave nice and quiet while I laid there with my glazzies closed, slooshying the lovely music. The Min said: “Good good boy,” patting me on the pletcho, then he ittied off. Only one veck was left, saying: “Sign here, please.” I opened my glazzies up to sign, not knowing what I was signing and not, O my brothers, caring either. Then I was left alone with the glorious Ninth of Ludwig van.
Oh it was gorgeosity and yumyumyum. When it came to the Scherzo I could viddy myself very clear running and running on like very light and mysterious nogas, carving the whole litso of the creeching world with my cut-throat britva. And there was the slow movement and the lovely last singing movement still to come. I was cured all right.
“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
There was me, Your Humble Narrator, and my three droogs, that is Len, Rick, and Bully. Bully being called Bully because of his bolshly big neck and very gromky goloss which was just like some bolshy great bull bellowing auuuuuuuuh. We were sitting in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry. All round were chellovecks well away on milk plus vellocet and synthemesc and drencrom and other veshches which take you far far far away from this wicked and real world into the land to viddy Bog And All His Holy Angels And Saints in your left sabog with lights bursting and spurting all over your mozg. What we were peeting was the old moloko with knives in it, as we used to say, to sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of dirty twenty-to-one, but I’ve told you all that before.
We were dressed in the heighth of of fashion, which in those days was these very wide trousers and a very loose black shiny leather like jerkin over an open-necked shirt wjth a like scarf tucked in. At this time too it was the heighth of fashion to use the old britva on the gulliver, so that most of the gulliver was like bald and there was hair only on the sides. But it was always the same on the old nogas-real horrorshow bolshy big boots for kicking litsos in.
“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
I was like the oldest of we four, and they all looked up to me as their leader, but I got the idea sometimes that Bully had the thought in his gulliver that he would like to take over, this being because of his bigness and the gromky goloss that bellowed out of him when he was on the warpath. But all the ideas came from Your Humble, O my brothers, and also there was this veshch that I had been famous and had had my picture and articles and all that cal in the gazettas. Also I had by far the best job of all we four, being in the National Gramodisc Archives on the music side with a real horrorshow carman full of pretty polly at the week’s end and a lot of nice free discs for my own malenky self on the side.
This evening in the Korova there was a fair number of vecks and ptitsas and devotchkas and malchicks smecking and peeting away, and cutting through their govoreeting and the burbling of the in-the-landers with their “Gorgor fallatuke and the worm sprays in filltip slaughterballs” and all that cal you could slooshy a pop-disc on the stereo, this being Ned Achimota singing “That Day, Yeah, That Day”. At the counter were three devotchkas dressed in the heighth of nadsat fashion, that is to say long uncombed hair dyed white and false groodies sticking out a metre or more and very very tight short skirts with all like frothy white underneath, and Bully kept saying: “Hey, get in there we could, three of us. Old Len is not interested. Leave old Len alone with his God.” And Len kept saying: “Yarbles yarbles. Where is the spirit of all for one and one for all, eh boy?” Suddenly I felt both very very tired and also full of tingly energy, and I said:
“Out out out out out.”
“Where to?” said Rick, who had a litso like a frog’s.
“Oh, just to viddy what’s doing in the great outside,” I said. But somehow, my brothers, I felt very bored and a bit hopeless, and I had been feeling that a lot these days. So I turned to the chelloveck nearest me on the big plush seat that ran right round the whole mesto, a chelloveck, that is, who was burbling away under the influence, and I fisted him real skorry ack ack ack in the belly. But he felt it not, brothers, only burbling away with his “Cart cart virtue, where in toptails lieth the poppoppicorns?” So we scatted out into the big winter nochy.
We walked down Marghanita Boulevard and there were no millicents patrolling that way, so when we met a starry veck coming away from a news-kiosk where he had been kupetting a gazetta I said to Bully: “All right, Bully boy, thou canst if thou like wishest.” More and more these days I had been just giving the orders and standing back to viddy them being carried out. So Bully cracked into him er er er, and the other two tripped him and kicked at him, smecking away, while he was down and then let him crawl off to where he lived, like whimpering to himself. Bully said:
“How about a nice yummy glass of something to keep out the cold, O Alex?” For we were not too far from the Duke of New York. The other two nodded yes yes yes but all looked at me to viddy whether that was all right. I nodded too and so off we ittied. Inside the snug there were these starry ptitsas or sharps or baboochkas you will remember from the beginning and they all started on their: “Evening, lads, God bless you, boys, best lads living, that’s what you are,” waiting for us to say “What’s it going to be, girls?” Bully rang the collocoll and a waiter came in rubbing his rookers on his grazzy apron. “Cutter on the table, droogies,” said Bully, pulling out his own rattling and chinking mound of deng. “Scotchmen for us and the same for the old baboochkas, eh?” And then I said:
“Ah, to hell. Let them buy their own.” I didn’t know what it was, but these last days I had become like mean. There had come into my gulliver a like desire to keep all my pretty polly to myself, to like hoard it all up for some reason. Bully said:
“What gives, bratty? What’s coming over old Alex?”
“Ah, to hell,” I said. “I don’t know. I don’t know. What it is is I don’t like just throwing away my hard-earned pretty polly, that’s what it is.”
“Earned?” said Rick. “Earned? It doesn’t have to be earned, as well thou knowest, old droogie. Took, that’s all, just took, like.” And he smecked real gromky and I viddied one or two of his zoobies weren’t all that horrorshow.
“Ah,” I said, “I’ve got some thinking to do.” But viddy-ing these baboochkas looking all eager like for some free ale, I like shrugged my pletchoes and pulled out my own cutter from my trouser carman, notes and coin all mixed together, and plonked it tinkle crackle on the table.
“Scotchmen all round, right,” said the waiter. But for some reason I said:
“No, boy, for me make it one small beer, right.” Len said:
“This I do not much go for,” and he began to put his rooker on my gulliver, like kidding I must have fever, but I like snarled doggy-wise for him to give over skorry.
“All right, all right, droog,” he said. “As thou like sayest.” But Bully was having a smot with his rot open at something that had come out of my carman with the pretty polly I’d put on the table. He said:
“Well well well. And we never knew.”
“Give me that,” I snarled and grabbed it skorry. I couldn’t explain how it had got there, brothers, but it was a photograph I had scissored out of the old gazetta and it was of a baby. It was of a baby gurgling goo goo goo with all like moloko dribbling from its rot and looking up and like smecking at everybody, and its was all nagoy and its flesh was like in all folds with being a very fat baby. There was then like a bit of haw haw haw struggling to get hold of this bit of paper from me, so I had to snarl again at them and I grabbed the photo and tore it up into tiny teeny pieces and let it fall like a bit of snow on to the floor. The whisky came in then and the starry baboochkas said: “Good health, lads, God bless you, boys, the best lads living, that’s what you are,” and all that cal. And one of them who was all lines and wrinkles and no zoobies in her shrunken old rot said: “Don’t tear up money, son. If you don’t need it give it them as does,” which was very bold and forward of her. But Rick said:
“Money that was not, O baboochka. It was a picture of a dear little itsy witsy bitsy bit of a baby.” I said:
“I’m getting just that bit tired, that I am. It’s you who’s the babies, you lot. Scoffing and grinning and all you can do is smeck and give people bolshy cowardly tolchocks when they can’t give them back.” Bully said:
“Well now, we always thought it was you who was the king of that and also the teacher. Not well, that’s the trouble with thou, old droogie.”
I viddied this sloppy glass of beer I had on the table in front of me and felt like all vomity within, so I went “Aaaaah” and poured all the frothy vonny cal all over the floor. One of the starry ptitsas said:
“Waste not want not.” I said:
“Look, droogies. Listen. Tonight I am somehow just not in the mood. I know not why or how it is, but there it is. You three go your own ways this nightwise, leaving me out. Tomorrow we shall meet same place same time, me hoping to be like a lot better.”
“Oh,” said Bully, “right sorry I am.” But you could viddy a like gleam in his glazzies, because now he would be taking over for this nochy. Power power, everybody like wants power. “We can postpone till tomorrow,” said Bully, “what we in mind had. Namely, that bit of shop-crasting in Gagarin Street. Flip horrorshow takings there, droog, for the having.”
“No,” I said. “You postpone nothing. You just carry on in your own like style. Now,” I said, “I itty off.” And I got up from my chair.
“Where to, then?” asked Rick.
“That know I not,” I said. “Just to be on like my own and sort things out.” You could viddy the old baboochkas were real puzzled at me going out like that and like all morose and not the bright and smecking malchickiwick you will remember. But I said: “Ah, to hell, to hell,” and scatted out all on my oddy knocky into the street.
It was dark and there was a wind sharp as a nozh getting up, and there were very very few lewdies about. There were these patrol cars with brutal rozzes inside them like cruising about, and now and then on the cor ner you would viddy a couple of very young millicents stamping against the bitchy cold and letting out steam breath on the winter air, O my brothers. I suppose really a lot of the old ultra-violence and crasting was dying” out now, the rozzes being so brutal with who they caught, though it had become like a fight between naughty nadsats and the rozzes who could be more skorry with the nozh and the britva and the stick and even the gun. But what was the matter with me these days was that I didn’t like care much. It was like something soft getting into me and I could not pony why. What I wanted these days I did not know. Even the music I liked to slooshy in my own malenky den what what I would have smecked at before, brothers. I was slooshying more like malenky romantic songs, what they call Lieder, just a goloss and a piano, very quiet and like yearny, different from when it had been all bolshy orchestras and me lying on the bed between the violins and the trombones and kettledrums. There was something happening inside me, and I wondered if it was like some disease or if it was what they had done to me that time upsetting my gulliver and perhaps going to make me real bezoomny.
So thinking like this with my gulliver bent and my rookers stuck in my trouser carmans I walked the town, brothers, and at last I began to feel very tired and also in great need of a nice bolshy chasha of milky chai. Thinking about this chai, I got a sudden like picture of me sitting before a bolshy fire in an armchair peeting away at this chai, and what was funny and very very strange was that I seemed to have turned into a very starry chel-loveck, about seventy years old, because I could viddy my own voloss, which was very grey, and I also had whiskers, and these were very grey too. I could viddy myself as an old man, sitting by a fire, and then the like picture vanished. But it was very like strange.
I came to one of these tea-and-coffee mestos, brothers, and I could viddy through the long long window that it was full of very dull lewdies, like ordinary, who had these very patient and expressionless litsos and would do no harm to no one, all sitting there and govoreeting like quietly and peeting away at their nice harmless chai and coffee. I ittied inside and went up to the counter and bought me a nice hot chai with plenty of moloko, then I ittied to one of these tables and sat down to peet it. There was a like young couple at this table, peeting and smoking filter-tip cancers, and govoreeting and smecking very quietly between themselves, but I took no notice of them and just went on peeting away and like dreaming and wondering what it was in me that was like changing and what was going to happen to me. But I viddied that the devotchka at this table who was with this chelloveck was real horrorshow, not the sort you would want to like throw down and give the old in-out in-out to, but with a horrorshow plott and litso and a smiling rot and very very fair voloss and all that cal. And then the veck with her, who had a hat on his gulliver and had his litso like turned away from me, swivelled round to viddy the bolshy big clock they had on the wall in this mesto, and then I viddied who he was and then he viddied who I was. It was Pete, one of my three droogs from those days when it was Georgie and Dim and him and me. It was Pete like looking a lot older though he could not now be more than nineteen and a bit, and he had a bit of a moustache and an ordinary day-suit and this baton. I said:
“Well well well, droogie, what gives? Very very long time no viddy.” He said:
“It’s little Alex, isn’t it?”
“None other,” I said. “A long long long time since those dead and gone good days. And now poor Georgie, they told me, is underground and old Dim is a brutal millicent, and here is thou and here is I, and what news hast thou, old droogie?”
“He talks funny, doesn’t he?” said this devotchka, like giggling.
“This,” said Pete to the devotchka, “is an old friend. His name is Alex. May I,” he said to me, “introduce my wife?”
My rot fell wide open then. “Wife?” I like gaped. “Wife wife wife? Ah no, that cannot be. Too young art thou to be married, old droog. Impossible impossible.”
This devotchka who was like Pete’s wife (impossible impossible) giggled again and said to Pete: “Did you used to talk like that too?”
“Well,” said Pete, and he liked smiled. “I’m nearly twenty. Old enough to be hitched, and it’s been two months already. You were very young and very forward, remember.”
“Well,” I liked gaped still. “Over this get can I not, old droogie. Pete married. Well well well.”
“We have a small flat,” said Pete. “I am earning very small money at State Marine Insurance, but things will get better, that I know. And Georgina here-”
“What again is that name?” I said, rot still open like bezoomny. Pete’s wife. (wife, brothers) like giggled again.
“Georgina,” said Pete. “Georgina works too. Typing, you know. We manage, we manage.” I could not, brothers, take my glazzies off him, really. He was like grown up now, with a grown-up goloss and all. “You must,” said Pete, “come and see us sometime. You still,” he said, “look very young, despite all your terrible experiences. Yes yes, yes, we’ve read all about them. But, of course, you are very young still.”
“Eighteen,” I said, “Just gone.”
“Eighteen, eh?” said Pete. “As old as that. Well well well. Now,” he said, “we have to be going.” And he like gave this Georgina of his a like loving look and pressed one of her rookers between his and she gave him one of these looks back, O my brothers. “Yes,” said Pete, turning back to me, “we’re off to a little party at Greg’s.”
“Greg?” I said.
“Oh, of course,” said Pete, “you wouldn’t know Greg, would you? Greg is after your time. While you were away Greg came into the picture. He runs little parties, you know. Mostly wine-cup and word-games. But very nice, very pleasant, you know. Harmless, if you see what I mean.”
“Yes,” I said. “Harmless. Yes, yes, I viddy that real hor-rorshow.” And this Georgina devotchka giggled again at my slovos. And then these two ittied off to their vonny word-games at this Greg’s, whoever he was. I was left all on my oddy knocky with my milky chai, which was getting cold now, like thinking and wondering.
Perhaps that was it, I kept thinking. Perhaps I was getting too old for the sort of jeezny I had been leading, brothers. I was eighteen now, just gone. Eighteen was not a young age. At eighteen old Wolfgang Amadeus had written concertos and symphonies and operas and oratorios and all that cal, no, not cal, heavenly music. And then there was old Felix M. with his Midsummer Night’s Dream Overture. And there were others. And there was this like French poet set by old Benjy Britt, who had done all his best poetry by the age of fifteen, O my brothers. Arthur, his first name. Eighteen was not all that young an age, then. But what was I going to do?
Walking the dark chill bastards of winter streets after ittying off from this chai-and-coffee mesto, I kept viddying like visions, like these cartoons in the gazettas. There was Your Humble Narrator Alex coming home from work to a good hot plate of dinner, and there was this ptitsa all welcoming and greeting like loving. But I could not viddy her all that horrorshow, brothers, I could not think who it might be. But I had this sudden very strong idea that if I walked into the room next to this room where the fire was burning away and my hot dinner laid on the table, there I should find what I really wanted, and now it all tied up, that picture scissored out of the gazetta and meeting old Pete like that. For in that other room in a cot was laying gurgling goo goo goo my son. Yes yes yes, brothers, my son. And now I felt this bolshy big hollow inside my plott, feeling very surprised too at myself. I knew what was happening, O my brothers. I was like growing up.
Yes yes yes, there it was. Youth must go, ah yes. But youth is only being in a way like it might be an animal. No, it is not just like being an animal so much as being like one of these malenky toys you viddy being sold in the streets, like little chellovecks made out of tin and with a spring inside and then a winding handle on the outside and you wind it up grrr grrr grrr and off it itties, like walking, O my brothers. But it itties in a straight line and bangs straight into things bang bang and it cannot help what it is doing. Being young is like being like one of these malenky machines.
My son, my son. When I had my son I would explain all that to him when he was starry enough to like understand. But then I knew he would not understand or would not want to understand at all and would do all the veshches I had done, yes perhaps even killing some poor starry forella surrounded with mewing kots and koshkas, and I would not be able to really stop him. And nor would he be able to stop his own son, brothers. And so it would itty on to like the end of the world, round and round and round, like some bolshy gigantic like chelloveck, like old Bog Himself (by courtesy of Korova Milkbar) turning and turning and turning a vonnny grahzny orange in his gigantic rookers.
But first of all, brothers, there was this veshch of finding some devotchka or other who would be a mother to this son. I would have to start on that tomorrow, I kept thinking. That was something like new to do. That was something I would have to get started on, a new like chapter beginning.
That’s what it’s going to be then, brothers, as I come to the like end of this tale. You have been everywhere with your little droog Alex, suffering with him, and you have viddied some of the most grahzny bratchnies old Bog ever made, all on to your old droog Alex. And all it was was that I was young. But now as I end this story, brothers, I am not young, not no longer, oh no. Alex like groweth up, oh yes.
But where I itty now, O my brothers, is all on my oddy knocky, where you cannot go. Tomorrow is all like sweet flowers and the turning vonny earth and the stars and the old Luna up there and your old droog Alex all on his oddy knocky seeking like a mate. And all that cal. A terrible grahzny vonny world, really, O my brothers. And so farewell from your little droog. And to all others in this story profound shooms of lipmusic brrrrrr. And they can kiss my shames. But you, O my brothers, remember sometimes thy little Alex that was. Amen. And all that cal.