I’d just punched the time clock and walked outside to smoke a cigarette when I heard a familiar voice calling me. It was my first week back at Wal-Mart after being out on maternity leave for six weeks, and it was my afternoon break. I’d been up all night with the baby, and to be honest I did not wanna be there. And I knew things were about to get worse when I heard that voice.
“Yo, Shorty. What’s up? I need to talk to you.”
I crushed the cigarette under my feet and turned to see Malek leaning against his car, a blunt hanging from his mouth. I really thought that after the incident at my house on Christmas Day he wouldn’t be showing his sorry face. I guess I was wrong.
I tried to pretend like he wasn’t there, but he wasn’t having lit. He got up off the car and headed toward me.
“Yo! What’s up? You tryin‘a play me or somethin’? I know you heard me.”
He was right. I had heard him, and the second I did I should’ve taken my ass back in the store, but I was afraid he was gonna follow me inside and make a scene. Malek was known for showing out in public. So I just stood there with my arms folded, eyeing him from head to toe. Would you believe after all the shit he’d put me through, I still found his ass attractive? I hadn’t really noticed his looks at the house that day ‘cause I was too busy tryin’ to get rid of his ass before Travis lost his mind. But now I had time to get a good look at him and reminisce as he approached. I had to admit he was still cute, in a thuggish kind of way. Especially with those cornrows he was wearing in his hair. They made him look like Latrell Sprewell of the New York Knicks, and Latrell was fine as hell. I had to bite my lip just to remind myself I was supposed to hate him.
“What do you want, Malek?” I sighed and rolled my eyes. No way was I gonna give him the satisfaction of knowing he still looked good to me.
“Yo! Why you always gotta have an attitude?” He tossed what was left of the blunt to the ground, shaking his head.
“I don’t know, Malek. Why you always gotta show up where you’re not welcome?”
“Oh, so now I’m not welcome? Used to be a time you couldn’t get enough of me.” He was so damn sure of himself. I refused to even begin to discuss what used to be with him.
“That was a long time ago. A very long time ago”
“Wasn’t that long ago.” He took a step closer and tried to touch my face.
“Will you stop it?” I slapped his hand away and stepped back. “How the hell did you find out where I work, anyway? I don’t like nobody following me.”
He sucked his teeth and made a face. “Please, ain’t nobody following you. My man Kenny told me you was workin’ up here, so I thought I’d stop by and hit you off with some loot for Maleka. I was trying to do you a favor by coming here instead of your house.”
“You were trying to do me a favor? ” I couldn’t help it. I had to laugh. “Boy, if you show up anywhere near my house Travis is gonna shoot your ass.”
“Yeah, right. That nigga ain’t gonna do shit” He looked like he was about to say something smart but changed his mind. “Look, you want this money or what?”
“Oh, so you gonna give me some money, huh? You ain’t gave me shit in damn near four years. What makes you think I need your little chump change now?” I folded my arms over my chest and glared at him. His expression said he wan’t happy with my attitude, but he just shook his head as he pulled out a big wad of money and started counting it. I guess he was trying to impress me. If he really wanted to impress me, he would be handing me the whole thing instead of a couple o’ tens and twenties like I was expecting. He must have read my mind, because as soon as he stopped counting he folded up the money and handed it to me. I was so shocked I almost dropped it on the ground.
“Here. This is three-fifty. I’ll try to hit you off with a little more next week” He sounded confident. I didn’t answer him right away because I couldn’t take my eyes off of the money. I’d heard through the grapevine that he’d given up on his rap career and was hustling for a living. As far as I was concerned, this proved it. Malek had never had more than a few dollars in his pocket in all the time I had been with him. He was always buying DJ equipment or records, and what was left always went to weed.
“Who’d you rob, Malek?” I was tempted to give it back to him.
“I ain’t rob nobody,” he snapped.
“Yeah, right. Whatever.” Even if he hadn’t robbed anybody, Malek sure as hell got this money some kinda shady way. Of that I was sure. However, I wasn’t gonna argue. If I gave it back to him he’d probably end up spending it on weed anyway. All I had to do was forget about where the money came from and put it to good use for my daughter. That girl deserved something nice from him after all the years he’d neglected her. I just had to make sure Travis never knew about it, ’cause he sure as hell wouldn’t let me keep it.
“Thanks for the money, Malek. I’ll buy Maleka something nice with it” I wanted to make a quick exit. “I gotta go back to work.”
“Wait! Hold up a minute, Shorty. Why don’t you buy yourself something, too? You always looked good in red. Matter of fact, take this for you.” He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a hundred-dollar bill.
He just had to go there. I was gonna take the money and run, no strings attached, no guilt. But he just had to make this about more than our daughter. He had to make this about us. I was not about to let him use our child and this too-little, too-late child support to work his way back into my life. Not when I was trying to build a new life with Travis.
“Hold up! Let’s get something straight, Malek. Money for Maleka is one thing, but I don’t want shit from you. I got a man, and he takes real good care of me.”
“I know you got a man, but that don’t mean I can’t look out for you.” He held the hundred out to me. “We got a daughter together. We should be friends.”
“Malek, what are you up to?” No matter how sincere his voice sounded, I couldn’t help but be suspicious.
“Look, Shorty, shit is really fucked up in my life right about now and I could use a friend. You used to be my best friend and-”
I stopped him before he could continue with this sentimental bullshit. “The key words are ‘used to be,’ Malek. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having problems, but any problems you got I’m sure you brought upon yourself.” And gone are the days when I make those problems mine. I thought. “Now, I appreciate the money for Maleka, but that’s it. I’m not your friend. I’m not your lover. I’m just your baby’s mother and I really don’t wanna be that. So don’t play yourself, ’cause I will hurt your feelings.” I headed for the door to Wat-Mart, promising myself that I wouldn’t turn around till I was at my register.
“Yo, Shorty. Don’t do this. Come on, now. I got something important to tell you…! Shorty!”
I just kept walking, praying that he wasn’t gonna follow me.
“Stephanie, don’t do this! Please!”
I stopped dead in my tracks. He was actually pleading. And he called me by my real name, something I don’t think he’d done since our first date. I turned around and sighed in frustration. He was wearing me down.
“What, Malek?”
“Nana’s dying.”
“What’d you say?”
“I said Nana’s dying”
“Don’t play with me, Malek. That ain’t nothin’ to play about”
“I’m not playin’. The doctors don’t think she’s gonna make it more than a month or two. That’s the real reason I came by here. To tell you she’s been askin’ about you.”
Malek’s grandmother was a wonderful woman. Me and her were close once. Real close. I’d lived in her house for almost two years when Malek and I were together. For a time she was more of a mom to me than my own mother. But that all came to an end when I had Maleka. That’s when Malek moved to D.C. and I moved into the projects.
Nana had tried to get me to stay so she could help me with the baby, but I couldn’t do it. I was devastated after Malek left me. Being around his family would have just made it hurt worse, so I left Nana’s house, and pretty much her life. She’d only seen Maleka a few times over the last few years, and only I was to blame. I knew Nana wasn’t well enough to leave her house to visit the baby. After the first few months, I just stopped going to see her. I guess I called myself going on with my life, but deep down I knew it wasn’t fair to Nana. Just ’cause Malek turned out to be a sorry excuse for a father didn’t mean his family couldn’t know Maleka. I’d always felt guilty, and promised myself that someday I’d get over there with my daughter and let Nana get to know her. Now it might be too late.
“What happened? What’s wrong with her?” I could barely speak.
“Lung cancer, among other things. But you know how sick she was. You used to take care of her.” Another stab of guilt hit me.
“What hospital’s she at?”
“She was on the hospice floor at MCV Medical Center, but the doctors let her go home so she could die at home. Want me to take you over to the house?”
“No,” I told him, “I’ll meet you over there. I got a few things I gotta do first.” Like call Travis and make an excuse why I can’t pick up the kids.
Twenty minutes later I was standing in front of the gate at Nana’s small white house, trying to gather the strength to go in. Just the sight of the front door gave me a rush of fond memories. As sad as the circumstances were, this felt like a homecoming for me. I’d cooked my first Sunday dinner in that house and had Maleka’s baby shower there. Hell, I’d even lost my virginity in Malek’s bedroom the night of our junior prom. This place was special to me.
Malek came out on the front steps, and I knew it was time to stop reminiscing.
“How is she?” I stepped up onto the porch.
“She’s weak, but she’s awake. She’s waitin’ for you.” He held open the door and I entered the living room. “You got here fast. No problem getting off work?”
“Nah. I just told them it was a family emergency. Travis was the problem. I had to get him to leave work a little early to get the kids.”
“You told him you were coming here?” Malek shot me a look of surprise, and maybe even a little smile. But he had no reason to get all hopeful. Did he really think after all I’d said to him at my job that I would take that kind of risk?
I had actually thought about telling Travis the truth, that I was going to visit Nana. But that would probably start a war in my house that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. After Malek left our house Christmas Day, Travis was not exactly happy with me. Sure, he realized I didn’t have anything to do with Malek stopping by, but it was my fault that he had our and-dress. So I guess he felt I should take part of the responsibility. He reminded me that if I had never been involved with a thug like Malek, that situation would have never happened. I knew his pride was a little hurt that Big Momma stopped him before he beat the shit out of Malek the way he wanted to, so I just nodded and kept my mouth shut I didn’t need no more confrontations on Christmas Day. I did remind him later, though, that if I had never messed with Malek, then we wouldn’t have Maleka right now, would we? He couldn’t deny me that truth, but he did make sure to tell me he better not catch that shady brother anywhere near me or Maleka ever again.
“No, I didn’t tell him. If I did, we’d both be dead right about now.” I walked past Malek. “Where’s Nana at?”
“In her room. First door on the right.” He pointed down the hall.
“I know where it is.” I rolled my eyes. “I used to live here, remember?”
“How could I forget?” He grinned. Guess he was taking his own little trip down memory lane. “I’ll be out here in the living room if you need me.”
“Okay,” I whispered. All of a sudden I was so nervous. I knew Nana had always had health problems, but I was afraid to see what cancer had done to her. She’d always been such a vibrant woman, and I wasn’t sure I was prepared to see her weakened. I peeked my head into her room and called out her name softly. “Nana?”
“You gotta get up close to her, girl.” A voice came from across the room.
“Oh, hey, Miss Janet” I hadn’t expected to see Malek’s mom sitting there. Last time I’d seen her, she’d been about forty pounds thinner, strung out on crack. Looked like Malek was telling the truth when he said she’d cleaned herself up. Good for her. At least that meant someone was there for Nana now. Maybe later I’d spend some time with Miss Janet, but for now I had to do what I came to do.
“Nana?” I called a little louder as I stepped closer to the bed. Nana lifted her head with a faint smile. Poor Nana. She looked like only half of her former self. Her face was all sunk in around her cheekbones, and her nightgown looked big enough to fit two more people in it.
“Stephanie? Is that you?” Her voice was raspy but recognizable.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s me.” I took her hand, trying not to shudder at how bony it had become.
“How’s my great-grandbaby?”
“She’s fine,” I smiled, hoping to mask the feelings of guilt that were overwhelming me. “She’s at school right now.”
“She must be getting big. Malek told me how pretty she is”
“Yes, ma’am. She sure is.” Dear old Nana. It looked like she wasn’t even going to ask why I hadn’t been around with Maleka I always knew Nana had a heart of gold.
“Malek said she has his nose.”
“Yeah, that and more. She looks just like him.” Nana’s faint smile was now a wide grin. “I’ll bring you some pictures next time I come, Nana.” Nana placed her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes for a few minutes. I just sat quietly and watched her labored breathing, wishing I could ease her suffering somehow.
“Stephanie, you seen Malek today?” Nana asked after a while.
“Yes, ma’am. He’s the one who told me you were sick”
“I’m not sick, baby. I’m dying.” She said it with such certainty.
“No, you’re not. You’re not dying.” I waved my hand and tried to sound lighthearted.
“Yes, I am. But that’s okay. I had a good life and it’s time to go home.” She gave me that faint smile again and took another short rest. “Stephanie? I want you to do me a favor.” She stared up at the ceiling as she spoke to me.
“Sure, Nana. What do you want?” I sat up a little, expecting her to ask me to get her a glass of water or something. I was not prepared for her actual request.
“I want you to spend some time with Malek.” She turned her head to look at me, her eyes suddenly more alert than they’d been. “He’s not taking all this very well, and you’re the only one I know who could ever keep a smile on his face. So can you do that for me, baby? Can you spend a little time with him?”
I just stared at her. She couldn’t possibly know all that she was asking. I hated to disappoint her, especially since I was already feeling guilty enough, but I didn’t think I could take the risk involved with her request. Now I just hoped she’d understand.
“I don’t think I can do that, Nana. There’s still a lot of bad blood between me and Malek. He walked out on me with a two-month-old baby and I still haven’t been able to forgive that”
“I know, baby, but that was a long time ago. Life is too short to hold on to hurts from the past,” she chided gently. Her words rang true as I realized how easily she’d forgiven me for keeping Maleka away from her. “All I’m asking is that you spend a little time with him. You may find he’s grown up a little more than you think.”
“I have a fiancé now, Nana. I don’t think he’d appreciate me spending time alone with Malek.” I was trying to come up with every possible argument not to be around Malek. It wasn’t just that I was afraid of Travis finding out. I was a little afraid of myself. As bad as he’d treated me, I couldn’t deny that some small part of me was still drawn to Malek. After all, we had a history together.
“I’m not asking you to get back with him, child. Just spend some time with him. Tell him about his daughter. Go out to the movies” She coughed weakly. “Just take his mind off my cancer. Can you do that for an old, dying woman?”
Shoot. Now she was laying on the guilt. In the back of my mind, I wondered if Nana and Malek hadn’t planned this all along. I don’t mean to say she wasn’t sick. Just that she seemed to regain a little of her strength when she talked about me and Malek. And she was sure working pretty hard to convince me. But whether it was planned or not, she was right I couldn’t deny her dying wish. Nana had been good to me, and it was time to repay her.
I exhaled loudly with a nod. “Yes, ma’am I can do it. I just hope my boyfriend will understand.”
“If he doesn’t understand that you’re granting a dying old woman her last request, then maybe you need to rethink your engagement.” She was awfully feisty all of a sudden.
“I don’t know about all that. But I’ll find a way to make him understand.” At least I hoped I would.
“Then it’s settled. You’ll do it?”
“Yes ma’am. I’ll do it.”
“Good,” Nana smiled and closed her eyes. Her face looked much more peaceful now as she rested. Either she was glad her grandson would have some comfort, or she was proud of the game she had just worked on me. I sat and watched her rest, wondering just how I was gonna grant her request with the least complication. I’d just have to give it to Malek straight and let him know this was a favor for Nana, nothing more. I knew I was playing with fire spending any kind of time with him. I just wanted the flame to be as small as possible.
I left Nana’s room an hour later, promising to return another day with pictures of the kids.
“Okay, child. And don’t you forget your other promise, too.” It was clear where her priorities were.
I found Malek sitting on the living room sofa in front of the TV. He was struggling to take his braids out, ripping at them with a comb. That shit looked painful, but he had a big smile on his face as he watched me enter the room.
“Did Nana tell you why she wanted to see me?” I was even more suspicious now that I saw how damn happy he looked. Not the suffering boy Nana had made him out to be. Whose wish was fulfilling, anyway?
“Nah. Why? What’d she say?”
“Nothin’,” I mumbled. For now I would just play dumb. I still needed to figure out just what I was gonna do about this situation. “Why you taking out your braids anyway?”
“LaKeisha Nixon’s supposed to redo them for me tonight.”
“LaKeisha Nixon?” That girl had been trying to get with Malek ever since we were in high school. “Please don’t tell me you mess with that bitch.”
He paused before he spoke. “Nah. She just gonna braid my hair.”
“Ohhh, really,” I rolled my eyes. “You know she burnt Little Rob and Jeffery Owens, don’t you?”
“She did?” be lifted an eyebrow. He may not have fucked her, but he’d obviously been thinking about it The question I had to ask myself was why was I so concerned about it. It wasn’t like Malek was my man or nothing. I was treading in dangerous waters and I knew it. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was interested. Or cared. Time to change the subject.
“Goddamn it! Will you give me that comb?” I snatched the comb out of his hand after I watched him rip through another patch of hair. “Damn, watching you take these things out is painful to the eyes. Sit down there” I motioned to the floor in front of the couch and he sat with his back against my knees. I went to work loosening his braids, much more careful than he was.
“You sure you don’t mess with LaKeisha?” I asked him cautiously. I wasn’t tryin’ to make him think I was jealous or nothing, but I couldn’t get the image out of my head. Old rivalries die hard.
“Nah, I ain’t mess with her. But I could hit it if I wanted to.”
“You and everybody else with a dick.” He spun his head around and studied my face. I avoided his eyes. “Will you turn around? I’m tryin’a get these braids out”
He faced forward and neither of us said another word until I finished combing out all his braids. I was lost in my own memories. Malek had been my first love, and even though he’d left me, we’d had plenty of good times. It was bittersweet, remembering them now, especially when I was about to be married to another man. A man who I knew was much better for me and my children.
“So what’s up? You want me to braid these for you, or you want LaKeisha to do it?”
“You can do it.” He handed me ajar of grease.
“What style you want?”
“I don’t know. Whatever you think’s gonna make me look cute,” he chuckled. Malek and his damn ego. He must’ve known I still thought he looked good. But I wasn’t gonna play that game with him now.
“Hey, Shorty, can I ask you a question?”
“No.”
“Why you gonna be like that?” He turned his head.
“Because my name ain’t Shorty. My name is Stephanie. I’m not a sixteen-year-old kid you trying to run game on anymore, Malek. If you wanna ask me a question, use my name.”
“Okay, Stephanie,” he tried again. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Go ’head.” I was afraid I was gonna be sorry, but I knew he wasn’t about to give up.
“Is he as good as me?”
“Is who as good as you?”
“You know. What’s-his-name. Your boyfriend.” He was right. I did know who he was talking about, just like he knew damn well what his name was.
“His name is Travis, and he’s my fiancé, not my boyfriend,” I reminded him.
“Okay. This Travis, is he as good as me?”
“Good as you at what?” I wasn’t gonna make this easy for him. Men are so self-centered sometimes. Always comparing themselves to one another in the bedroom like it’s some badge of honor. When we first started going out, Travis must have asked me the same question a hundred times. None of them would ever think to ask if he was as good a friend to me, or some shit like that. They seemed to think all that mattered was the almighty dick.
“You know what I’m talking about. Does he fuck you as good as I did?”
It would have been easy to deflate his ego and be done with it But just like I did with Travis four years ago, I decided to keep that little secret to myself.
“Do you really think I would tell you that, Malek? Matter of fact, do you really wanna know the answer to that question?” I couldn’t resist that little jab at his ego. Although I forgot just how big his ego was.
“Hell, yeah, I wanna know the answer.”
“Well, you’re not gonna get one.”
“Ah’ight, then answer this for me. Is he as big as me?” He turned his head and looked up at me with a grin. He was holding his hands about a foot apart.
“I am not gonna answer that either!” I shook my head again and tried to suppress a smile.
“Come on, Stephanie. Admit it, my shit is bigger than his, isn’t it?” He laughed and lifted his eyebrows suggestively. I couldn’t help it. I smirked a little, waving my hand. Malek was bigger than Travis. Hell, he was bigger than anyone I’d ever seen.
“You are so stupid, Malek.”
“But I got a big dick, don’t I?” he teased. I couldn’t help but laugh a little this time.
“I knew I could make you laugh. It was just a matter of time.” He looked proud. “Remember how it used to be back in the day? You’d braid my hair while I cracked jokes and rolled a blunt.” He leaned back against my knees and I started greasing his scalp again.
“Yeah, I remember.” I smiled. “We’d smoke it then go to Ryan’s Steakhouse. I used to love me some Ryan’s.”
“Oh, hell, yeah. Ryan’s was the bomb.” He shook his head. “Damn, I ain’t been to Ryan’s since we broke up.”
“Neither have I,” I said quietly. There were still certain things I avoided doing since Malek left me, and going to Ryan’s was one of them. Our nights there had been part of a happier time between us. Malek obviously shared some of my memories.
“Hey, do you remember how much fun we’d have when we came home from Ryan’s? You used to do some freaky shit when you were high.” He gave me a devilish grin.
“Don’t go there, Malek.”
“Don’t go where? I don’t know what you”ne talking about.”
“Like hell, you don’t. You trying to take me on your little trip down freaky-memory lane.” And doing a good job, I might add.
“No, I’m not,” he protested weakly.
“Yes you are. And if you keep it up, you gonna be walking around here with half a braided head, ’cause I’m gonna be out.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry,” he said casually. “Can I say one thing, though?”
“As long as it don’t have to do with sex.”
“It doesn’t.”
“What is it?”
“We should go to Ryan’s again, after you finish my braids. My treat”
“Your treat? Where you getting all this money from? You selling drugs?” Better to change the subject than think about how tempting his offer really was.
“Hell, no. I got a real job. I been working over at Home Depot for almost two months. Yesterday was payday.” He looked at me and smiled. “Never thought I’d get a real job, did you?”
“No, I never did” I was impressed, even though it looked like he was still spending his money as soon as he got it. “It’s too bad you couldn’t have got a real job four years ago. We might still be together.”
“I can’t do anything right without you bringing up the past?” He sounded genuinely offended, and I remembered my promise to Nana. This was not the way to make her grandson feel better.
“I’m sorry, Malek,” I offered as an apology. “Congratulations on your new job. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks. So what’s up? You wanna go to Ryan’s, or what?”
“Yeah, we can go.” I tried to ignore the little voice that told me to run.
“Well ah’ight! Maybe we should stop and get a bag of weed on the way.”
That little voice was screaming at me now, but I just turned it off and agreed. I had just put myself on the fast track to trouble, and I wasn’t turning back now.