nine days before Saint Simon
I am stupid. In the wonder of what has happened, I understand everything now. I know why Agnès has not liked Anne. I realize why Anne is by times so kind and then so cruel.
Awen and Anne are lovers.
I do not know what to do. Do J want a husband more than I need my friend? What should I do in this strange country without her? And how should I manage the chateau?
I must speak to Agnès. She is the only one I can trust.
My friend the most close is the lover of my husband and has been these three years.
I have spoken with Agnès.
Agnès demanded of me if I had become a wife.
I did not understand. Of course, yes. Three years since. And she had been at the noces.
She took me toward the window and then sat me down. She demanded of me to tell her exactly what happens at night when Awen comes. She warned me to speak to her the exact truth.
So I did.
She kept demanding of me if there was nothing else, but there is not.
What more could I reply to her than this: he speaks to me of stories until I fall asleep and then stays until the fire goes out. At least he did until more recently.
She told me then what a man does to a woman to make her his wife. That I had choices and I must make a decision. If I tell father what has happened. Agnès says me that I do not have to be married to Awen any longer and that I can go back to my country, Touraine. She says me that the church will annul the marriage.
She says me that I could continue here and leave things the way they always have been. She says me that it is not uncommon for a man to have a maîtresse and that this is not the worst of things.
Or she told me that I had the right to demand Awen as a husband. And as his wife, I had the right to send Anne away.
I must think.
I must pray for to be wise.
eight days before Saint Simon
He came to me this night, but I did not open the door to him.
six days before Saint Simon
If I were a crazed creature before, I now feel as shriveled inside as a prune. If I go home, father will find for me another husband, I am certain. But would this new husband please me?
four days before Saint Simon
He came to me this night, but I did not open the door to him.
three days before Saint Simon
I cannot go on as if I understand nothing.
two days before Saint Simon
He came to me this night, but I did not open the door to him.
one day before Saint Simon
Do I want a husband? Must I have one? If only I could live alone. But I cannot. I am much too valuable. If I return to home, if the marriage is annulled, I would be fiancéed within one month.
How much more easy it would be to just leave things as they are. And pretend as if I understand nothing.
day of Saint Simon
He came to me this night, but I did not open the door to him.
one day after Saint Simon
By times, I truly hate him.
I cannot have him as my husband and leave him also Anne. I would never have any confidence. I would never have my own life. It would always be shared. With her. In addition, it is me the wife. It is mine the marriage. If there remains something which can be blessed by God, it is my life and my marriage, and none belonging to Anne. It is she the penitent and me the righteous.
Anne must go.
two days after Saint Simon
He came to me this night. I unbolted the door to him, and then walked toward the fire. My soul sought all the warmth it could find.
He pushed the door open and stood in the doorway, searching my eyes.
I turned away from him, back toward the fire.
He closed the door and came to me.
I backed away from him, toward the windows, as he advanced until I discovered my back was against the wall.
I warned him not to come near.
He would not stop.
I touched the cool stones and felt their strength.
He stopped just in front of me.
I took my hand from the wall and slapped him across the face.
He spoke no words, but drew me into his arms.
Women are weak, for I could not save myself I wept. But I would not be held. I broke from his arms and he let me. I went to stand in front of the fire and he let me. But he stood behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders.
I closed my eyes and tears fell from them. I wept for all the sweetness and trust which had gone from us. I could now never maintain my honor. I felt stupid. Bête. For Anne had done the thing with him that I do not. Since three years.
I told him he had made me so happy I thought my heart would burst of it. And he had made me so sad I thought my heart would die of it. I told him all this and had no strength left. No strength to cry, no strength to stand.
I shook off his hands from my shoulders and placed myself by ground on the fur in front of the fire. I wanted only to be alone.
But he would not leave. I heard him sit behind me, but he did not touch me, not for the time it takes to repeat ten Ave Marias.
Then he put a hand to my hair and ran it all the length.
I had tired of tears. He must have known it, for when I moved, he let me curl in toward him, like a dog, and rest my head on his thigh. He stroked still my hair and I closed my eyes to listen to the fire snap.
He explained to me that he had loved Anne when he had seen her the first time. And she him. And because their bloodlines were so close, they knew they could never be married. And when first he had seen me, I seemed to him the same as his sister. And thinking of her, he could not be a husband to me. And these three years, I had become grown and he found that he had grown to love me. And the night I had seen Anne go to him was the last they had spent together.
I told him, with my eyes closed still and my head against his thigh, that she must go. That my father had found for her a chevalier possessed of a good property and age. I told him if he wanted me, I would have him in whole, but not in part.
He made no reply, but stroked still my hair. And with the heat of the fire and the feel of his hand, I found sleep there on his thigh, although when I woke, we were in bed, together. He heard me stir and placed his arm around me. I came close to his warm body and slept still more.