one day before Toussaint
I insisted this morning that Anne be brought to my room, and Awen, still in my bed, and he must tell her of the marriage arrangement which has been made for her.
He says me that he could not.
I told him I would be present, but he must do it. If he could do anything for Anne, it must be to give her leave and the liberty to go. Had I not loved him so much, I would not have insisted. But I do.
I called Agnès to have Anne brought, and it was done.
Awen spoke through clenched teeth and did not dare to look at her as I did.
He had to do it. He cannot live divided. And he is my right.
Agnès smiled to hear it.
Anne spoke not one word.
one day after Toussaint
I have sent a messenger to my father to tell him of the coming of Anne. She will leave in two weeks time.
two days after Toussaint
I paid a visit to my lord this night.
I hit softly on the door, but he would not open it.
I remembered of Anne and how she came to him, so I spoke my name.
He opened it quickly to me.
I demanded of him to show me the way to pay the debt I owe.
He bid me come to his bed.
And this time, when he began to untie my laces, I let him.
day of Saint Malo
Awen has made me his wife. He comes to me by day as well as by night. I feel on fire with the heat of it. I am wanton. I have found happiness enough to last eternity.
We made no note of the going of Anne until this day, the day after she has gone. I remember myself of that morning of yesterday and recall that Awen had been in my bed. And I smiled at the memory of it and lifted my head from this journal and found that he had been watching me all this time. And I am putting down this work and going to him.
four days before Sainte Cécile
I find I have been selfish. All these years I have spent reading and studying when it would have done better to attend to my affairs.
I am a woman. I am a wife.
I had given up my duties for my pleasures, and all had turned upon itself. What if I had been a wife to Awen for several years past?
Anne would not have been in my place.
And what am I to do without Anne? I know not how to arrange a chateau. I know not how to command a servant. She has done all this, but I had allowed her to do it. I have been punished for not performing my duties.
I have kept the Book of Days of my mother; I fail to see how keeping it would do me harm, but I have given up what rests of my books; even the scroll possessed by my mother. For I confess I slit the top of the baton for it seemed to me hollow. And from there I took a scroll inscribed in a language I have never seen. I have demanded of myself what people could write in such a language of heavy lines, but as I have no teacher. I have no hope of being able to read it.
I have placed my journals in my chest and when I am done writing this day. I will demand of Agnès to take them all: the books and the journals. I care not where.
I must attend to life.