"He turned that down. So did Father Leo."
"Jesus Christ, you asked him too?"
Malcolm related that meeting, shocking Jamie even more.
"God Almighty, Tai-pan, if you're so set on it to go to those lengths... perhaps... we'll find another captain."
"Not much chance of that, Jamie. Anyway Heavenly stressed to keep it quiet until it was over, particularly Sir William who could forbid it as Angelique and I are under age. And if she put him on formal notice, he'll have to tell Seratard. She's won... God curse her!"
Again he put his eyes on to the horizon. In the past when a catastrophe happened, when the twins drowned for example--while she never said it directly, he always thought that she blamed him, if he'd been there somehow it would not have happened--he would feel the tears welling, like now, but would force them back and that would make the hurt worse and the sick feeling terrible. He did that because "A tai-pan never cries." She had always drummed it into him. It was the first thing he could remember her saying, "The tai-pan never cries, he's above that, he fights on, like Dirk, he never cries, he bears the burden," repeating it again and again though tears always came easily to his father.
I never realized what contempt she had for him.
She never cried, never once that I can remember.
I'm not going to cry. I will bear the burden.
I swore I'd be worthy of the tai-pan and I will. Never again will she be "mother" to me. Never.
Tess. Yes, Tess, I will bear it.
His eyes focused on Jamie, feeling so old, and so lonely. "Let's get ashore."
Jamie started to say something, stopped. His face was strange. Then he pointed to the seat opposite. More packets of mail there.
"What is it?"
"That's... that's Wee Willie's mail.
Bertram, the Legation's new dogsbody, was sick so I said I'd... I'd fetch their mail for them." Jamie's fingers were as shaky as his voice. He picked up the large bundle of letters. Its crisscrossed string was government-sealed in the center but it was still easy to leaf through the corners and find her two letters.
To Sir William and Admiral Ketterer.
"We, with a little time, and, and luck you could, I, I might be able to, to get them out."
The hair at the nape of Malcolm's head seemed to stiffen. To rob the Royal Mail was a hanging offense.
The two men stared at the bundle of letters, in turmoil, consumed with dread. The cabin was claustrophobic. Malcolm said nothing and watched Jamie who was silent, both of them drained. Then, making the decision for him, Jamie's shaky fingers ripped at the string but this galvanized Malcolm into his own decision and he reached over and grabbed the bundle and stopped him. "No, Jamie, you mustn't."
"It's the, the only way, Tai-pan."
"No it isn't." Malcolm straightened the string, relieved the seal was not broken, then smoothed the letters out and put them back on the other pile, the touch of them hateful.
"It's just not right," he said, his voice as weak as his knees, despising his weakness--was it weakness?
"I'd never forgive myself if you... if you were caught and, and well I just don't have the courage --apart from that it's not right."
Jamie's face was wet with sweat. "Right or not, no one's to know. If we don't, you've no chance. Maybe we can find a captain--even Brock's, they've a ship next week."
Malcolm shook his head, his mind blank. A wave rocked the launch against the pilings, screeching the rope fenders. With an effort he forced himself to concentrate. All his life, whenever he was in quandary, he would ask himself what Dirk Struan, the tai-pan, would do--but never a real answer came forth.
At length, so wearily he said, "What would he do, Jamie? Dirk Struan?"
At once Jamie's memory took him to that devil-may-care giant of a man, the few times he had seen him, or been in his company for a few minutes--he himself so junior and just arrived.
"He'd..." After a moment, a smile began.
"He'd... Dirk would... yes, that's it. I think he would order us and the Bosun ashore and take the launch out himself "to test her as something feels amiss," and then... then when he was well away and in deep water, he would calmly open the sea cocks and, while she filled, he would make sure all this mail was well weighed and could not float free, then he'd go to the stern and light a cheroot and wait till she sank and swim ashore. Had he interfered with the mails?
"Perish that thought, laddie."" Jamie's beam became seraphic. "Why not?"
Before Tokaido Malcolm was a strong swimmer. Now he knew he would sink like an anchor. "I'd never make it ashore."
"I could, easily, Tai-pan."
"Yes, but this isn't your problem, Jamie, and even if you did, it would only buy me a week or so and that's no good. Joss. We can't interfere with the Royal Mail. Let's agree to forget this happened. Eh?" He held out his hand.
"You're a real friend, best I've ever had.
Sorry I was rotten to you."
Jamie shook warmly. "You weren't, I deserved what you said. No harm's done. Tai-pan... please, it would be easy."
"Thanks but no." For the ten thousandth time, Malcolm knew he was not Dirk Struan and could never do what the tai-pan could do, in this case either blatantly remove the letters or sink them. Before Tokaido, perhaps I would have dared, but now... now it's fifty times worse. Tokaido, always Tokaido, he thought, the word branded into his mind, so frustrated he could scream. "I have to face it alone."
He hobbled ashore and went to his own suite.
The small bottle was full but he took none of it, firmly putting it back into the drawer.
Painfully he pulled his chair nearer to the window and sank into it with relief.
I'm going to win, he promised himself. Please God, help me. I don't know how but I'm going to win Angelique, I'm going to conquer the pain, the opium, the Tokaido, Tess, and I am going to win...
His sleep was deep and restful. When he awoke Angelique was there, seated near and smiling at him.
"Good afternoon, darling, my, but you slept well.
It's almost time to change for the party!" Her eyes were sparkling. She came and kissed him and knelt beside him. "How are you?"
"Seeing you makes me so happy." His voice was filled with love but it did not hide his inner worry.
That decided her. It was important to take him out of his usual seriousness so he would enjoy tonight's party he had promised was a celebration.
"I've a surprise for you," she said, mischievously.
"What?"