1
Né John Brian MacNamara.
2
He’s never anything but sweet to me, and I do my best to return the favor. He and I are like the Soviet Union and the United States during the Cold War: Whoever pushes the button pretty much sets our mutually assured destruction into motion. And like that nice pre—Ferris Bueller Matthew Broderick taught us in the movie War Games, the only way to win is not to play.
3
Much like Jay and Silent Bob in Dogma, I didn’t learn that Shermer was a fictional place until years after I first saw the movies. However, it’s based on a real town, so I wasn’t too devastated.
4
Ten points if you caught the Jeffersons reference.
5
A Great North American Barkhound.
6
Seriously, no, thanks.
7
I don’t actually know if this is a real expression, but it sounds vaguely Canadian, much like Holmes is vaguely Canadian.
8
And believe me, I’ve tried.
9
Technically, we’re Libertarians, but when’s the last time they won an election?
10
Mac’s expert marksman advice — turning the gun sideways to shoot works only in the movies. In real life it’s an absolute guarantee you’re going to a) miss and b) sprain your wrist.
11
Try the feta cheese plate. You’ll thank me.
12
I bet there are no drive-by shootings at all in Stephenie Meyer’s ’hood.
13
The way I see it, I can have a Barbie collection or magnifying readers; I can’t have both. I choose Barbie.
14
This isn’t gossip so much as it is fine, fine reporting from the folks at Us magazine.
15
As per the March 26, 2009, issue of Star.
16
My sorority crafted a lot of signs of the WE’RE PI-FIRED UP variety.
17
And when did it stop being Kinko’s?
18
Even though Mac would.
19
Does this work as an expression? I had Ishmael say it to Mose in Amish Is as Good as a Mile. Later it occurred to me that pacifists might not study a lot of Vietnam War history, or engage in any sort of combat, even like punching a gangbanger in his smug face, for that matter. But come on, it’s no less plausible than vampires who won’t drink human blood.
20
Damn you, Botox, for making my forehead so smooth and expressionless but mostly smooth.
21
What, you thought I got all that crap done for vanity’s sake? Come on!
22
Why, yes, Mac does make me watch a lot of Military Channel programming with him. How’d you know?
23
Also known as the AC.
24
I pity the fool. . who disrespects dendrophiliacs.
25
Fine, the Cambs isn’t technically located above the arctic circle, but it sure feels that way today.
26
I have a PhD in HGTV.
27
Wait, this is a really sad fantasy, isn’t it?
28
And this is where the author breaks the fourth wall, noting that every book she writes has a nod to Mean Girls in it. What can Jen say? It was a really good movie.
29
This was back when her shows were still trashy.
30
Also hails from the Cambs.
31
Screw her and her eighty-five-million book sales right in the ear.
32
Knock it off!
33
Ten points if you caught the Bowie reference.
34
You know what? I’m too embarrassed to even finish that sentence.
35
Read: boring.
36
And they don’t ask any pesky questions about my research methods.
37
Or Colorado.
38
What, they didn’t?
39
Mrs. Patel’s words, not mine.
40
Okay, technically, we could, as my sales in Germany are currently through the roof. Seriously, I’m like the second coming of Hasselhoff over there.
41
Can’t actually frown.
42
Picture the Playboy Mansion, only with more ivy and less booty.
43
Give or take a few kajillion hundred.
44
Furniture and men.
45
Kind of like RuPaul is a tad dramatic.
46
Note to self: Subscribe to Elle Decor, like, yesterday.
47
Now with twenty percent more plastic grapes!
48
Also, I’m getting tired of throwing out all my good pans.
49
FYI, kids, flashing gang signs is a lot less scary when you’re wearing mittens. I suggest you either buy gloves or wait until it’s warmer to represent.
50
Apparently in her world, it’s not fourteen degrees outside.
51
Her words, not mine.
52
You know what I mean.
53
Figurative Shat — would that not be an excellent postpunk band name?
54
Which is impossible.
55
Kara’s a nationally syndicated sex and dating advice columnist and not just a conduit for dirty correspondence. When she was pitching her work, I begged her to call the column “The Kara Sutra,” but apparently that’s already a porn site. Damn.
56
Polish for “grandmother.”
57
Like I said, protein is a priority.
58
Earnest money is what you put down in a real estate transaction to secure a buying contract. Typically it’s about five percent of the purchase price, and the point is to show the seller the buyer has skin in the game. Once the house is under contract, the earnest money doesn’t get returned if the buyer flakes out for any reason other than a bad inspection. This public service message has been brought to you by HGTV.
59
Also, Bridget Jones’s Diary is classic literature. Ask anyone.
60
The exact word he used was “moron.”
61
Theoretical, of course.
62
Apparently harvest gold and avocado appliances are not the new black.
63
Yes, I gave in and hired a maid service after this. When the universe drops heavy shit on you, you tend to listen.
64
According to Mac, you never know when you might need to disperse a riot in front of your house.
65
My dad now owns an auto body shop in Ohio. Was he inspired by Keith in Some Kind of Wonderful? Who can say for sure?
66
Literal translation is “my little froggy.” This term of endearment never quite caught on in English.
67
Without the mole. Maybe eighty-one with it.
68
A bean of some sort?
69
Yeah. I went there.
70
Apparently I enjoy “not packing” almost as much as I enjoy “not writing.”
71
The one on 24, not our kitten.
72
What, you don’t have one?
73
Mac says you may as well be firing a staple gun if you’re going to use a.22-caliber weapon.
74
Pun intended.
75
It would be indelicate for me to mention that anyone with $9.99 and a broadband Internet connection could watch Vienna “perform jobs.”
76
I don’t hold Twilight against him.
77
With her pants on. (Blouse optional.)
78
Kara and I have had many a liquid lunch discussing this fact.
79
Particularly Speidi, although who doesn’t hate them just a little?
80
Almost.
81
Note to self — stop reading the paper online.
82
I’ll take three boxes of Samoas and two Thin Mints, please.
83
Bred like rabbits, those people.
84
I see a long, soft sit in my future.
85
Read: shout him stupid.
86
Estimated installation time on the package? Two hours. Actual installation time? Six days.
87
That’s what she said. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)
88
Not necessarily in that order.
89
She found their whites to be too “dirt filthy.”
90
Babcia claimed, “God tell give Babcia. You no like? You tell God; I send you see Him.”
91
I might be phrasing this wrong, but my point is, should neighbors really have a say over what kind of mailbox I choose?
92
Yes. And what’s wrong with rosé? It’s delicious!
93
Yes,Ann Marie was right about the “five-pound bag of flour” business, damn it.
94
Oh, Mean Girls Gretchen, I feel your pain.
95
I can’t quite tell.
96
Alaknanda, which means “flawless.”
97
Pun not intended this time.
98
With enough maraschino cherries in it, it’s not bad.
99
Sounds crazy, but that’s how publishing works sometimes.
100
Miriam’s a sucker for durable and decorative cement countertops, but Rebecca’s more of a traditionalist in that she prefers granite with an onyx tile backsplash.
101
Fortunately it was still in its case when the toilet hobbled my desk.
102
Fictional Jake Ryan family, what were you thinking when you installed mauve shag?
103
Remind me to tell you about the Great 2007 Residence Inn by Marriott Free Breakfast Bar Massacre sometime.
104
A Polish version of Crazy Eights.
105
Hard to picture, but trust me, it’s FAB.
106
His expression, not mine.
107
Very cautiously. Oh, so cautiously.
108
You should have seen the look on Ann Marie’s face when she spotted that.
109
After the past two weeks of sanding and staining purgatory, trust me when I say I’d make sure something very bad happened to him.
110
Multiple density fiberboard.
111
Yes, a tetanus shot was in order.
112
And an oyster containing two tickets to that thing I love.
113
The guide told me to.
114
Oh, yeah, baby. Now you’re talking my language.
115
I learned a long time ago it’s best just to eliminate any potential temptations.
116
A sport he normally calls “an excuse for morons to wear ugly pants.”
117
Even though it’s almost impossible to tell.
118
“Not Polish!”
119
And by “we” I mean the management of the Shops at Sunset Place.
120
Oh, so many checks.
121
I never knew there was a younger, even scarier version of Ann Marie until I met her assistant.
122
I didn’t let him pay her, of course, although I suspect she may be the reason his three-hundred-dollar Allen Edmonds loafers went missing on that trip. Poor guy had to head to Christmas dinner in a sport coat and a pair of running shoes.
123
One of my tricks is to always have a pack of her brand in my purse whenever we’re together. Her husband keeps a spare carton in the freezer for the same reason.
124
Oh, honey — sometimes “B” is for “Bitch Be Crazy.”
125
But not Jebediah. Never Jebediah.
126
I miss college.
127
Which essentially calls for us to not exist.
128
And fear of being hobbled.
129
I don’t want to be greedy.
130
As if I wasn’t going to notice all the smoke and extinguisher foam and firemen.
131
Translation: By the order of the Ministry of Defense.
132
Literally.
133
Why do they always fly directly at your hair? Why?
134
All of them white and matching!
135
Or down an uprising — I’m not actually sure which side is paying him.
136
Whom I call Paddy.
137
Whom I call Brawny.
138
Whom I call Sunny.
139
Remember when it used to take, like, ten minutes to cook a hot dog? Those were dark days, my friend.
140
I wonder if this is how the Larry Craig scandal started?
141
Big lake.
142
Your choice.
143
And there’s certainly no reason in the world to have gardeners on staff.You know what? Three months later and that still pisses me off.
144
At least well enough to keep our neighbors from complaining.
145
Ladies, if your man can get in and out of that godforsaken place in less than an hour, please give him a medal or a lap dance or a pie or something. That kind of time management needs to be rewarded.
146
And Google “how much do goats cost?”
147
As opposed to never.
148
Although I’m in no position to argue.
149
Had I known you could write in jail, I’d have taken care of Vienna long ago and then none of this would have ever happened.
150
What Would Mose Do?
151
The good news is, I can fit into my high school jeans again. The bad news is, they’re acid washed.
152
FTR, Stephenie, that’s how I’d describe a meadow.
153
And wasn’t scared of being on the sand at all.
154
Methinks Blair Waldorf would make an excellent zombie.
155
And IP phone line.
156
Meals ready to eat.
157
Heloderma horridum. Come on, is that not the best Latin name you’ve ever heard?
158
Their words, not mine. And yes, I had to choke back a laugh when they said that, too.
159
Or have something bad happen to Vlad’s family. With Babcia, you kind of never know.
160
Like Abington Cambs would ever allow a Laundromat to sully their town green!
161
Apparently this is a big deal.
162
When you give instruction on how an actor’s supposed to say a line, e.g., “dryly.”
163
RIP.
164
Three!
165
Nat’s been very clear that I should not actually verbalize this sentiment.
166
Am scarred from our old bathroom situation.
167
Or nothing.
168
Apparently it wasn’t hard to remove once it was cut in half.
169
And no one fucking forgot it.
170
Yep, still funny.
171
No doubt to pick out Miriam’s bikini.
172
Babcia paid for first class on my solemn word that I would create a role for Kevin Spacey.
173
You don’t spend four years living with someone without learning a few of her tricks.
174
Their words, not ours.