In 2002, Tina and me brought the New Year in together like always. But instead of club and barhoppin’ in Philly, we went to Vegas to hook up with these white guys named Terry and Derrek from L.A. They were some rich-ass investors who Tina met at a Sixers game last season. Khalil got locked up for drug trafficking right around Christmas, shortly after we got back from Jamaica, so she was interested in broadening her horizons. She came to the realization that the type of guys she was used to dealing with would only end up where Khalil was, or dead, and she needed stability.
Terry and Derrek were twins. They looked all right, but they were old and it showed. Derrek was for Tina. He was short, buff, and bald. I called him Mr. Clean behind his back. My dude Terry was similar to Derrek in height, but he was less buff and more flabby, and he was only bald in the middle. Both of them dressed very well, in Italian-made suits, expensive jewelry, and silk and cashmere shit, which compensated for what they lacked in the physical department.
We met up with Terry and Derrek at the MGM Grand Hotel on the strip. They already had a room for us. It was a huge two-bedroom suite on the top floor. Our view was off the hook. We could see the whole strip and at night-it was a sight to see. So many bright lights, fancy cars, and people. Guys and girls filled the streets, walking, driving, or posted up on the strip. It was exciting. Every bone in my body anticipated action. Tina and me were turning so many heads, and if we were selfish and careless bitches we could have jumped in one of them Ferraris quick, right in front of Terry and Derrek. But that wasn’t our steez. And besides, Terry and Derrek gave us no reasons to. They were both filthy rich and had no problem peelin’ off. We were like their trophies, and they kept us polished and lookin’ good. We drank, partied, and fucked a lot, and we even did some shopping at the Venetian. It was fun as hell out there, but when the week was up I was ready to go home. I missed my house. That is, until I got there.
The first thing I noticed when I walked through my front door was the blinking on my answering machine. I checked the caller ID first and saw that James had called me about a thousand times. I told all my dudes that I was going to Vegas with Tina for a few days, so I didn’t know why James blew up my phone. Besides, he was in Houston negotiating a contract with the Rockets. What would he be all pressed to get in touch with me for? I thought.
Most of the messages were short. “Babe, it’s me, holla back,” “Babe, pick up the phone,” “Celess, where you at,” etc., etc., etc. But the last one was long and detailed.
“Celess, what’s up with you? I heard some wild stuff about you. You need to call me as soon as possible, because if what I found out is true you’re goin’ to have some serious problems.”
I called James back on his cell. He answered on the first ring.
“Yo, what’s up?” he whined.
“Hey, baby,” I said. “What’s up?”
“You didn’t get my message?”
“Yeah, what’s up, what hater told you somethin’?” I asked, trying to convince him that it was a lie before even knowing what the hell he was going to tell me.
“Yo, I’m at an NBA party, right, and these broads come over and try to holla at me and this other bull. So the one broad had a fuckin’ Adam’s apple and shit, right? So the bull I was with cursed the broads out. Then he started tellin’ me about these two joons from Philly who be playin’ dudes the same way. They dress and live like women, but they really men.”
I would have liked to have passed out. Fuck! I thought. I was already trying to work up a plan. But before I went jumping to conclusions, I waited for James to finish.
“Then dude said yall names, Tina and Ce-fuckin’less. Yo, say it ain’t so, Celess,” James pleaded.
“What?” I yelled. “A man? That is some insane shit, James. I can’t believe you’re bringing me this high drama!” I was trying to play it off. I didn’t know what else to do.
“But yo right, I started thinking,” James said, “and we never fucked in the light. And you always make me hit it from the back. What? I be puttin’ it in ya ass? And yo, you ain’t never ask me to eat you out or nothin’.”
“If I remember correctly, you told me you didn’t eat pussy!” I shot back at him.
“Yeah, but I tell every joon that and it don’t keep them from asking me to make an exception. Just tell me what the fuck is goin’ on, please.”
James sounded like he was going to cry. I was actually starting to feel bad. I never thought I would have to come clean to anybody before. I thought it would either come down to them finding out during sex and liking it so much that they wouldn’t care, or I would stop dealing with them before they could ever figure it out. Tina didn’t school me to this part of the game. I didn’t know whether to continue denying it or just apologize and beg for his forgiveness. I knew that I would not be able to get away with denying it because as soon as he came back to Philly he would be checking for a penis. So I decided to just tell him the truth.
“Look, James, I’m sorry,” I started out, then I immediately started crying.
“You bitch! You fuckin’ dirty bitch! How the fuck could you do this shit to me, Celess? Is ya fuckin’ name even Celess?”
“James, I’m so sorry. I knew you wouldn’t have got with me if you knew, and I was feeling you,” I whined.
“Bitch, is you crazy? You damn right I wouldn’t have got with you! You a fuckin’ man! I’m not fuckin’ gay! You’s a crazy bitch! You know what yo, don’t fuckin’ call me! If you see me anywhere, don’t fuckin’ say shit to me! If you even fuckin’ look my way I will fuckin’ hurt you! I swear to God!”
Click.
I held the phone to my ear even after James had hung up. I listened to the dial tone while I cried and felt sorry for myself. I knew I should not have done that to James and he was the one who deserved sympathy, but this made me realize that I would never sincerely get what I wanted. I would never be a woman, no matter how dressed up I got or how much makeup I wore or how many hormones I took.
I needed to get out of the house. I needed a drink. I called Tina.
“What? Well, who the fuck told him that? Who in the NBA found out about us?” Tina asked.
We were in her black-on-black GS 400, a gift from her white friend Derrek, on our way to Main Street in Manayunk.
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask him all that,” I said, still crying.
“Girl, wipe your eyes. Don’t be crying over no man. Shit, James was the brokest of the three, anyway,” she said frankly.
“That’s not the point, though, Tina,” I explained. “I really hurt him. He sounded like he was going to cry.”
“Well, you know what, they do it to women all the time, play with their hearts. He’ll get over it.”
“But what you gonna do about Khalil?”
“What about Khalil?”
“You know James is gonna tell him, if he didn’t already,” I explained.
“Khalil is doin’ time. James ain’t gonna be in touch with him for a minute. Especially with James going to the NBA, him and Khalil will probably lose touch.”
Tina had all the answers, but she didn’t understand. Yeah, she’d been dressing up since she was fourteen, but she never been in my or James’s situation before. She never even came close to a guy finding out about her. Hell, when I met her I thought she was a girl. It was ninth grade. We had a class together. She was dressed so fly. I admired her. I was still playing a straight role to a certain extent. I dressed like a regular guy. I acted like a regular guy. But I wasn’t a regular guy on the inside and Tina could sense that. When she told me she was a dude, I flipped out. I didn’t believe her. It came down to her showing me her dick. It wasn’t on some gay shit either, because I was not at all attracted to her. She was too pretty and looked too much like a girl. I wanted to do the same thing she was doing. I wanted to live my life as a girl. I figured it would be much easier on me messing with guys as a girl than as a guy. But now I didn’t know what to think. I felt fucked up.
I got drunk as shit off of apple martinis. Tina dropped me off home at about eleven o’clock. I went right to sleep.
Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong. I jumped up out of my sleep. The clock said twelve-fifteen. I was fucked up. I managed to get out of bed and go see who was at my door. I could see through the peephole that it was Tariq. He was dressed casual in a leather jacket, a baseball cap, a white T-shirt, and some baggy jeans. Then I remembered he took off from work to spend the day with me. I didn’t open the door. I ran into the bathroom and tried to get myself together. I couldn’t let him see me like that. I was a mess. He kept ringing my bell. Then he started ringing my phone. I answered.
“Hello,” I said, sounding sleepy.
“Wake up, sleepyhead, I’m outside your house,” he said.
“Oh, shit, Tariq, I forgot all about our plans,” I confessed.
“Well, now that your memory is refreshed, can you come open the door?”
“Yeah, hold up a second.”
I put myself together somewhat and let Tariq in.
“Who did you go out with last night?”
“Tina got me drunk as shit.” I switched the blame.
“I see,” he said.
“Give me a minute to do something with myself and we can go out,” I said.
“Just get in the shower,” he said. “We can chill here, watch movies, and order in,” he suggested.
That was a bet. I turned on the faucet so I could take a long bath. But I made sure to lock my bathroom door. Good thing too, because Tariq did try to come in. I did all of the important things in the bathroom, like tape up my thing and put on my bra and panties. I slipped into some J Lo sweats and some slippers. I brushed my hair back into a ponytail and bobby-pinned the weave onto it. I put on a little makeup and joined Tariq in the family room.
Tariq had already made himself comfortable. He had taken his jacket and shoes off and was surfing through the channels. I felt a lot better after that bath. I just needed to get some food. We ordered Chinese and pigged out for the day. It was relaxing.
When Tariq left at seven o’clock I began to feel bad all over again. I started feeling bad for James. Tariq and O too-I just kept thinking what would happen if they found out. I never used to worry about this, but since James found out, I realized that it was possible. As usual, I called Tina.
“Tina, what you doin’?”
“You mean who I’m doin’,” she joked.
“No, I meant what like I said,” I joked back.
“I’m working out,” she said.
“How did we get into this, Tina?”
Tina knew what I was getting at. “Why are you still trippin’ over dude?”
“I don’t know. I’m nervous that they might all find out. And what if James come back to Philly trippin’ out on me?” I worried.
“James isn’t the type. Plus he got a rep to think about too. You think he want people to find out that he fucked a man? He won’t say or do shit, trust. You just need to replace him and move on,” Tina demanded.
She had a point. James was probably busy trying to get this whole thing out of his head.
“You’re right,” I said.
“Matter of fact, we’re going to Delaware tonight,” Tina said.
“For what?”
“It’s the Kickoff tonight, the first party of the year. We haven’t missed it in two years, so let’s not start now. Plus, I’m sure we’ll see some new faces. Some fine-ass ones that will get your mind off James.”
“All right,” I agreed. “I need to get back in the swing of things, anyway.”
I had on a short blue Dior skirt with the matching signature Dior leg warmers, a white fitted blouse, and my blue mink. I looked fly. Tina rocked her waist-length black mink with a short black cutout dress. She had on stiletto pumps and nude stockings. She looked tight too. When we walked in the club, everybody stopped and stared, including O, who hadn’t even called me to tell me he was back in town.
“The last I checked you was in Baltimore handling business,” I said with sass.
“And wasn’t you in Vegas?” he asked.
“You knew I was only staying in Vegas for a couple of days, but I had no idea when you were supposed to come back. I relied on a phone call.”
“My bad, baby,” O said as he grabbed my waist.
O didn’t seem like himself. I could tell he was high, but it was something else about him that didn’t sit right with me. He kissed me on my cheek and then let go of my waist. He told me to go to the bar and order Tina and me a drink on him, then he disappeared in the crowd.
“A Smirnoff Ice with raspberry, please, and a apple martini,” I yelled to the bartender.
I took a seat on the stool next to Tina.
“I can’t believe that nigga didn’t call me when he got back,” I told Tina.
“Don’t sweat it, he look damn good,” Tina said.
O did look good that night. He had on jeans, a white T, his camel-colored mink, and some fresh tan Tims. Then he topped it off with yellow diamonds that sat in his gold chain and earrings and a gold-face Jacob on his wrist. He was definitely a stunner.
I took a sip of the Smirnoff and chilled. I couldn’t work my magic on nobody because O was there. Tina started talking to some suave-ass dude with some leather pants on. I ordered a second Smirnoff and started feeling a little buzz. I was sitting at the bar, feeling the music and just chillin’, when something caught my eye.
O was taking pictures with some broad on his lap. And this girl was kissing all on his neck. He was just smiling and being real disrespectful. I tapped Tina on her shoulder.
“This nigga is tryna play me,” I said with an attitude.
Tina looked in the direction of my eyes and saw O acting a fool. She snapped as if he was her man instead of mine.
“Oh, hell, no, go over there and check that nigga and that bitch!”
“He knows I’m the fuck here. Why would he do some stupid shit like that?”
Tina hopped off the stool and grabbed my hand. “Come on. This nigga playin’ his self,” she said as she led me through the crowd.
“What the fuck is the deal?” Tina snapped at O.
O had a confused look on his face. I guess he was wondering why Tina came at him like she did when he wasn’t her man.
I stepped in. “O, can I holla at you for a minute?”
O got up from the chair and moved the girl to the side.
“What’s wrong, baby?” the girl asked.
“Nothin’, just give me a minute,” O responded.
I was pissed off.
“What’s up?” O asked as he walked toward me.
He put his arm around my waist and slowly walked me a few steps away from the girl and Tina. I had a blank look on my face and was speechless at first. I was about to flip out on that nigga, but I told myself to be easy.
“O, please don’t act like you wasn’t just disrespectin’ me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the jealous type, but damn, all that was unnecessary. You can do whatever you want on your own time, but when I’m in your presence, you’re on my time. You feel me?”
O put on that confused face again. “What are you talking about, baby?” he asked.
His eyes were glassy. He seemed real disoriented. He was pissing me off even more by acting nonchalant.
“Is everything okay?” the girl came behind O and asked.
Tina followed her and responded for O. “Everything is just fine,” Tina said.
The girl rolled her eyes. “O, is everything okay?” she asked, placing emphasis on his name.
“Bitch, I said everything is fine. O is talking to his girl right now!” Tina yelled.
“I’ll show you a bitch, bitch!” the girl shot back, walking over to Tina.
O was still acting nonchalant like everything was everything. But I wasn’t about to let Tina embarrass herself for no cheap-ass whore. I stood in front of Tina and started pushing her out of the club. Meanwhile, O disappeared again and the girl was steady screaming shit. You fat bitch this, you fat bitch that. And Tina was screaming back, “I got more money than ya bum ass!” That night was crazy.
“Celess I’m sorry. I was feelin’ it,” O tried to explain.
“Well, you need to leave whatever that shit was alone, ’cause it had you lookin’ slow and shit.”
“Yeah, that E will do that to you. You forgive me, sweetheart?”
“You owe me for this one,” I said.
“Come through and I’ll make it up to you.”
It had been a week since the incident at the club, and this was the first time I was hearing from O. He was about to be cashed in. I was losing love for him. He had me at my point where I was ready to juice him dry and then cut him off. I had suspected he put another girl in my place and bumped me to number two or something. I couldn’t understand why he was frontin’ on me like that, but it was really making me not care anymore.
I told O I would come through, but instead, I went to get my hair done. The shop was empty, being as it was a Tuesday afternoon. My bull Steve did my hair for me. And when Steve did my hair it was an all-day affair because he would spend more time gossiping than actually doing my hair.
“Those shoes are cute,” Steve commented on my Chanel boots.
“You like ’em?” I asked for no reason at all.
“Yeah, they hot. My girl would look good in them.”
Steve was an ITCH-an in the closet homo. He always talked about a girl who nobody ever seen. But that particular afternoon he indirectly came out.
“Yo, how do you do it?” he whispered.
“What?” I asked.
“Walk in those heels.”
I thought Steve was going to ask how I got away with being a woman. I was sure he knew. But maybe he didn’t.
“I’m used to it,” I said.
“This guy I know, he’s gay and he’s gonna start dressing up like a chick and get a sex change, the whole nine, but he said he don’t know how the hell he gonna walk in heels,” Steve said, laughing.
Bingo, I thought. Steve had to be gay. Anytime a man uses the word gay instead of faggot to describe a gay man, that’s a sign that he himself is gay. Besides, he did hair. Damn, it’s a lot of us out here, I thought. But I didn’t say anything. I just listened to Steve tell all his business and everybody else’s business.
Ring! Ring!
“Hello,” I answered my cell phone.
“Where the hell you at?” O asked.
“I just left the hairdresser,” I said.
“You a nut for telling me you was coming down here,” he said. “I might as well go shoot dice,” he continued.
I knew what that meant. He had money to spend, and I didn’t want to miss out on that.
“I’m on my way, damn, can I get cute first?” I whined.
“You could have called a nigga.”
“My bad. I’ll be there in like a half,” I said.
I pulled up to O’s house twenty minutes later. Ninety-five was empty. As soon as I walked in, he grabbed me and started kissing me. He started stripping me. I stopped him from removing important articles of clothing, but he was persistent.
“Who you been giving my pussy to?”
“Nobody,” I said, trying to control his hands.
“Then why you haven’t been giving it to me?”
“Boy, you been trippin’ since you got back from Baltimore. What were they feedin’ you down there?”
“It’s not what they been feedin’ me, it’s what they haven’t been feedin’ me. I’m lacking pussy. Can you feed me some pussy?”
I grabbed his hand just in time to stop him from grabbing my balls. O never acted like this before. Usually I took charge and he just followed my lead. What the hell he was doing I didn’t know, but it was bound to get me killed. I had to think of something quick.
“My period is on,” I blurted out.
O stopped kissing me.
“Damn!” he said. “Thanks for blowin’ my high.”
He sat down on the couch and patted his dick as if he was trying to calm it down. I sat down next to him, trying to keep a distance. He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis.
“Pull it out,” he said.
I did. I stroked it for him. He started getting into it, and he grabbed my head and forced it down on his dick. I sucked it. What the hell, I figured I owed him that much for not having a pussy he could eat.
I left O’s house with $500. This was the icing on the cake. I knew for sure he had somebody else. Five hundred dollars meant he was giving half of my money to another girl. I was pissed about it but I let it slide. He obviously had his reasons for playing me. I went home and called it a day. I put on Two Can Play That Game and fell back.