Severe post-traumatic stress disorder had delivered a near-fatal blow to this war hero; he left the Army in late 2004, cutting short a would-be military career. Vivid nightmares, anxiety, anger, and self-destructive behavior took hold of him.
“I just hated myself,” said Self. “I felt like I was somebody different. And since I didn’t feel like I could be who I was before and hated who I was now, I wanted to kill the new person. I felt like I had messed up everything in my life. The easiest way, the most cowardly way to escape was to just depart.”
Though he never asked for help or told anyone he was contemplating suicide, Self’s parents intervened to direct him to the help he needed. Christian Army chaplains trained in PTSD provided counseling, and he went to group therapy sessions at the VA. But he also joined a small group for vets with PTSD at his church, First Baptist Church in Belton, Texas. The leader was his chaplain counselor.
“At the VA small group, we talked about symptoms, but we were never allowed to talk about our experiences because they were afraid it would trigger us. But it was those experiences we needed to talk about the most. At the church, we got into God’s Word, bathed all sessions in prayer, told our stories, wrote about and shared our experiences and that was extremely therapeutic. We looked at spiritual solutions and examples of warriors in the Bible. Turning my PTSD into Christian service has helped me get past to the other side of it.”
The writing that Capt. Self began at church developed into his memoir, Two Wars: One Hero’s Fight on Two Fronts Abroad and Within (Tyndale House, May 2008). Self also helps train churches from New York to San Diego on PTSD by sharing his testimony through Bridges to Healing.
“There are many things in life we go through that God allows for specific reasons,” said Self. “We can be hurt by things over which we have no control. That doesn’t mean it’s not fair, but neither does it mean that God needs to take it away, God can use the thorn in the side the anguish is there for a reason.”
Lord, help me allow you to shine through my weaknesses so people will see your glory.
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take [the thorn in my flesh] away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.’” (2 Corinthians 12:8–9a)