During that year of deployment, I struggled when friends would complain about missing their husbands or boyfriends due to work or some other minor inconvenience. How can you be so inconsiderate knowing all the while that I would give anything just to be able to call Stuart? I thought as I stared at them in disbelief.
The hardest overall period of time was the weeks immediately following his arrival in Afghanistan. I was a wreck. I lived alone, had lost my job, and now felt like I had lost my other half. Adding to despair and confusion was the hard fact that I’d only known this man for a matter of months.
What if he really isn’t the one I’m going to marry? What if I still have feelings for him when R&R comes around, and he’s not in love with me anymore? What if he no longer thinks I’m pretty? What if I’m not a good enough Army girlfriend, and don’t send enough letters and care packages? All the questions wandered through my mind.
Of course none of this actually happened, but the feelings were real. I would alternate between consuming all the news I could find, and isolating myself from every media outlet, convincing myself that if I didn’t know about the bad stuff, it would not happen to Stuart. One time, newscaster Stone Phillips, commented on how the approaching spring was going to be a violent one for Afghanistan and the troops, with the Taliban promising a spring offensive. I stared defeated at the TV, and then let my imagination get the best of me, resulting in what felt like a panic attack. It was awful.
Another challenging time was in early spring when Stuart was sent to a remote outpost on the Afghan-Pakastani border. We went weeks and weeks without any communication. The only phone contact we had came from a SAT phone. He called me on Easter Sunday, and we talked for four minutes. Those four minutes made my week. Thank God for technology. Oftentimes I would marvel at how far we’ve come since just Desert Storm, nineteen years ago. How wives managed in World War II, I will never know.
Lord, grant me patience when my heart screams out for immediate deliverance.
“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14)