December 19, 2008.
On Wednesday afternoon, I dropped the kids off at Heather’s and went alone to the hospital for my ultrasound. While I was waiting for the OB doc to review the results of the ultrasound and come back in, I saw the still shot on the screen. It was the most perfect little baby, in early pregnancy bean-like form. I was in love and SO excited. When the doc came in, however, he was concerned.
“How much have you been bleeding?” he asked.
“Uh… none,” I replied.
“What I am seeing is a lot of bleeding around the baby. What I am not seeing is a heartbeat.”
After several moments of utter disbelief and questioning, he confirmed the truth: my baby had died. I proceeded to experience the greatest sadness of my entire life. I have never missed Will more than I did in that moment.
Finally, at 9 p.m., Will called from Kuwait. “So how’d it go?!?!” he asked, completely unaware.
I delivered the news. It was terrible. He was so devastated. He began grieving the loss of our baby as well as wrestling with the thoughts of me going through this grief alone and being without him at night.
I spent most of the night being either numb or sobbing. It’s a pain I’ve never experienced before. My emotions are frail, but I have been surrounded by the kind of support you could only dream of in a crisis. My constant tears have dried up, and I have clarity and peace. I long to see this sweet angel and I know one day I will. He/She is in heaven, whole, and complete with Jesus.
I never thought I would watch my husband deploy and then five days later be told that our unborn baby has died. If it happened to someone else, I would have thought that I could never handle such blows. Through it all the pain, the sadness, the anger, the frustration one thing is clear. God is Sovereign. He still reigns. He still loves. He still comforts. I will praise him in this storm.
Lord, in times of trial, may I cling to the truth that you still reign.
“The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.” (Psalm 145:14)