EUNI-TARD TO CHUNG.WON.PARK
Mom, you haven’t written me back in a while. Are you still mad about Lenny? Stop worrying about the Mystery, okay? Worry about Sally instead. You have to watch her weight. Don’t let her order “peejah.” Make only food with lots of vegetables. I’m going to buy her some nice summer shoes from FootsieGalore, the kind she can wear to interviews too.
I’m too busy looking for Retail jobs to take the LSAT prep right now, but definately next summer. The miscellaneous charge on AlliedCVS must be this new “minimum aggregate APR” they’re charging these days. It means we’ll have to pay a little less for the monthly charge but we have to pay this new charge immediately or it gets tacked on to the principal, which then turns into a maximum aggregate, which will probably mean another six thousand or more in the next two billing cycles. I think it’s time to switch out of AlliedWaste anyway and LandOLakes is running some special promotional rates this month although you have to borrow an extra ten thousand just to “switch in.” I guess we should at least “do the math” and check it out.
EUNI-TARD TO GRILLBITCH:
Dear Precious Pony,
Hello out there in TV land! Oy. I guess I’ve been streaming too many old shows with Lenny. Weird. So now my mom is mad at me too. Dinner with la famiglia was a disaster, as you rightfully predicted. Why on earth did Lenny think he could charm my parents? You know, he is so FULL of himself sometimes. He has this American white guy thing where life is always fair in the end, and nice guys are respected for being nice, and everything is just HONKY-dory (get it?). He went on and on about how I can form sentences and how I always talk about taking care of Sally, and meanwhile my father is just flexing his fist under the table. Believe me, that flexed fist was all Sally and I could think about while old Len went on his little dietribe.
I know his heart is in the right place. It’s always in the right place. But after a while, who cares, right? How can he not understand me? It’s like he doesn’t take time to put two and two together. He promised he would read less and spend more time taking care of our apartment, but his head is all caught up in these texts. I looked up War and Peace and it’s about this guy Pierre who fights in France, and all this terrible stuff happens to him, but in the end because of his charm he gets to be with this girl he really loves, and who really loves him even though she cheated on him. That’s Lenny’s view on life in a nutshell, that in the end niceness and smartness always win.
But the worst was my mother. She just went OFF on me. Like, yeh, nuh moo heh ta. You could do so much better. He’s old, he’s unattractive, his skin looks unhealthy, he’s got bad feet, he’s not as tall as you said he was, he makes 25,000 yuan a month. If you want to date someone older, there’s this gemologist from Palisades who makes close to a million a year and daddy says the Post Human place Lenny works for is a total scam and is going to fall apart completely. Mom kept teening me “Keep options open, keep options open.”
I tried not to be hurt, but it was impossible. It’s like in the same way Lenny doesn’t see me, they don’t see HIM. To them he’s just this unattractive, not-rich person with a hole in his sock (I thought I was honestly going to kill him for that).
But then we went home and I got that sucky message from my mom and then I just started to feel like I loved Lenny even more. Like the more she detested him, the more I loved him. He was so tired from the dinner and the stupid church service, he just conked out and fell asleep on the couch and he even snored like he never does. He had obviously put so much of himself out there, my sweet, caring tuna-brain, he had tried so hard as he does to be nice to my parents and to defend me against my asswipe of a dad, and it had just taken everything out of him. And I thought, if someone can’t recognize what a good man he is then what good are they to me? I guess what I’m saying is I’m not as turned off by Lenny’s vulnerabilities anymore and I have my cuh-ragee mom to thank for that epiphany. That’s the thing with Lenny, if you spend time with him you realize he’s just very yamjanae. I think that’s a very Korean thing, to be able to sense someone so sweet and gentle and appreciate him for who he is.
Sorry to blah blah blah for so long. Things are really pretty good overall. We’ve been hanging out and talking and doing lots of fun stuff together. We saw some Images in a gallery and had some okay burgers at bürgr in Bushwick (why can’t they have In-N-Out here in New York?). We had unprotected sex and he told me he could see us having a baby. I was like: WHAT??? But it kind of made sense. I WANT to have a baby with him, even if things are really bad in the world. I think I’d be the happiest fairy in the forest if we were a real family someday. Oh, and then we went to this Sri Lankan place for dinner and Lacy Twaät was sitting next to us. Remember she used to do all those gagging and ass-to-mouth porns when we were kids? She was wearing a size two Parakkeet blazer with pearls and sheer Onionskin jeans which she can totally pull off even at her age. Overall, a very classy, refined ass hookah look. And her date was this older Germanic-looking gentleman, very handsome.
Speaking of, I’ve been going to Tompkins Square with more supplies, doing some odd ends at CLOTHES WASHING AND SANITATION and just hanging out with David. He’s so funny. He just grabbed me at one point and threw me over his shoulder and carried me around the whole park so that I could wave to everyone. It felt good to have a strong guy taking charge of me, and David is SO strong, and not just because he was a soldier in Venezuela. And he keeps his little hut so NEAT (not like you-know-who, ha ha), which is something he said he learned in the army. He’s getting ready for when the Guard comes to clear them out, which is making me nervous. If you have any old äppäräti or even laptops, please send them to me, because these people are really desperate. I tried to get him to just have some lunch with me, but he won’t leave the park. He’s as dedicated to his people as my father is to his patients, and I guess I really admire that. I’ve been looking at his mouth, and there’s something charismatic about him having lost some teeth. He’s a rugged man who knows when to be physical and when to be smart. Anyway, I bet if he had Healthcare he could look even more handsome. Sometimes when he talks about what it’s going to be like after the Bipartisans are overthrown, I’m like hmm, that doesn’t sound bad. He’s against the Credit people, but he thinks Retail is always going to be a part of our lives and that Retail girls can be Creative. His ideas are a little out there, but at least he believes in something, right?
Sigh. Okay, Princess P, I’m off to swiffer the balcony, which is covered with bird doo 24/7. This is New York and everyone always shits all over you. Ha ha.
GRILLBITCH TO EUNI-TARD:
I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you right away, Panda. Something really BAD is happening here. These LNWIs ran into my father’s factory when it was closed and took it over and they phased out the LAPD last month and the National Guard won’t do anything and now it’s like we’re going to lose the business or something? I heard my mother and father just VERBALLING VERY QUIETLY in their bedroom and I got so scared, because I don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to help. Usually they tell me everything but the look on my father’s face was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh and they were even talking about going back to Korea for a while. I tried to go to Padma and there was a road block on the 405 and they had people with their hands behind their heads, so I just turned off into a service station and sat there with the motor running and then I just started HITTING AND HITTING AND HITTING the steering wheel. WTF??????????? How can they not protect our business? How can they just let this Aziz’s Army do what it wants? It’s like they don’t want us to feel safe anymore. I don’t think you should hang out with this David guy, Eunice. He sounds like one of those dicks who’s destroying my family. And I don’t want to be with Gopher either because he’s not one of us and he understands NOTHING and his parents have old-school money and it’s all just a JOKE to him. I told him about my dad’s factory and he was like “good let the poor people take over.” I think this is the time for us to forget who we are and to be a part of our families and everything else is just that weird noise you hear when people you don’t know are verballing. It’s true, everyone is a ghost around me, except when I’m on the äppärät with you. This country is so stupid. Only spoiled white people could let something so good get so bad. I’m sorry you had a sucky dinner with your parents and I’m glad you’re loving Lenny more than ever, but you should take into consideration what your parents say, because they’ve been around for so long. I’m not saying don’t date Lenny, just balance in your mind what you feel for him and what you’ll eventually have to do. I love you, sweet potato.
EUNI-TARD: Hi, Sally. Did you hear LNWIs took over the Kang’s plunger business?
SALLYSTAR: No. That’s terrible.
EUNI-TARD: That’s all you have to say?
SALLYSTAR: What do you want me to say?
EUNI-TARD: Do you want to get burgers? You can have a little red meat if you promise to just do vegetables and yogurt for a week.
EUNI-TARD: Hello? Earth to Sally Park.
EUNI-TARD: You must be busy. You still haven’t told me what you think of Lenny.
SALLYSTAR: Everyone’s concerned about you.
EUNI-TARD: They’re CONCERNED? That’s really nice.
SALLYSTAR: Mommy and Daddy just don’t want you to rush into anything.
EUNI-TARD: And you’re their Media spokeswoman now?
SALLYSTAR: We’re not a perfect family but we’re still a family, right?
EUNI-TARD: I don’t know. You tell me.
SALLYSTAR: We have to get new carpeting for the living room and new runners for the stairs. Do you want to come to NJ and help us pick it out?
EUNI-TARD: Can I bring Lenny?
SALLYSTAR: You can do whatever you want Eunice.
EUNI-TARD: I was kidding.
SALLYSTAR: So you’ll come?
EUNI-TARD: I’ll come. But I’m not going to sit next to Dad or say anything to him. Lenny uses the word truculent. Dad’s like a truculent child, it’s best to ignore him.
SALLYSTAR: Cut him some slack. He’s trying. He’s not completely well inside and that means we have to forgive him.
EUNI-TARD: Whatever.
SALLYSTAR: Seriously. You will feel so much better if you forgive him, Eunice. Then you can focus on what’s happening on the rest of the planet. Maybe you can help me set up a food distribution committee for the tent cities we’re doing with Columbia and NYU. Things are getting really bad at Tompkins Square.
EUNI-TARD: How do you know I’m not helping out already?
SALLYSTAR: Huh?
EUNI-TARD: Nothing. I’ll forgive Dad when he’s 70 years old and Uncle Joon has gambled all his money away and he’s this raving homeless man who turns to me and Lenny for help. Then I’ll be like, you treated me and Mommy and Sally like shit, but now here’s some money so you don’t starve.
SALLYSTAR: That’s so horrible. I can’t believe you would even think that.
EUNI-TARD: Hey, I’m kidding. Sense of humor?
EUNI-TARD: Sally, are you still there? I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I really miss Myong-hee. Last time I was in LA I tried to braid her and she was squealing “No, Eunice emo!” like leave me alone, you’re not the boss of my hair!!! She’s such a cute little oinker. I bet next time we see her she’ll be like four inches taller. I don’t want her to grow up.
EUNI-TARD: Sally? Come on! Was it the thing I said about dad?
EUNI-TARD: Fine. My BOYFRIEND is almost home and we’re going to make a branzino together.
EUNI-TARD: Sally, do you love me?
SALLYSTAR: What?
EUNI-TARD: I’m serious. Do you really love me? I mean like a person. Not just an older sister you’re supposed to look up to.
SALLYSTAR: I don’t want to talk about this. Of course I love you.
EUNI-TARD: Maybe I didn’t do enough.
SALLYSTAR: What are you talking about? Would you please just SHUT UP ALREADY. I’m so sick of you. THE PAST, THE PAST, THE PAST!!!
SALLYSTAR: Hello? Eunice.
SALLYSTAR: Eunice?
SALLYSTAR: Hello.