I should note finally that since my life is one devoted to disintegration, those periods when the Die had me doing long range conventional things like founding Dice Centers are less full diceliving than others. To develop my CETREs I had to be as square as the cube of a die; I had to hang my M.D. around my neck and bulldoze millionaires and mayors and town planning boards and other doctors every second of every day. Except for brief, anonymous sidetrips to various places to commit murder or rape or larceny or buy dope or help a revolution, I had to be straight as John Lindsay.
However, I sometimes enjoyed it. There is a bourgeois businessman in me that loves being given freedom to buy and sell, to practice public relations, to chair committees, to answer questions of reporters or public officials. The work of developing the CETREs went on too long for my residual self's taste, but I farmed out more and more of the control and the work to Fred Boyd and Joe Fineman and Linda (my God, without her dieing, we'd never have gotten any of the centers and our DICELIFE, Foundation would be broke).
But though I've enjoyed living most of my roles, and enjoy writing about them all, they simply won't all fit in one book. Fortunately, I have faith that the Die will choose a good selection of events, and if It doesn't;' the bored reader can simply flip dice a few times and let the Die choose a new book for the night.
Not my will, Die, but Thy will be done.
Chapter Seventy-Five
Dr, Jacob Ecstein reports that his owe initial reaction to. 1m is of the Corpus Die Dice Center, was one of profound disgust. He could see no sense whatsoever in the required emoting of rage, love, and self-pity. He found himself unable to perform, the exercises. For rage he emitted a slight peevishness, for love a hearty bonhomie and for self-pity a blank expression. He indicated that he didn't understand what self-pity could possibly mean. To help Dr. Ecstein a teacher (an actual, as contrasted to an acting, dice teacher) spat in his face and urinated on his freshly shined shoes.
Dr. Ecstein's response was instantaneous `What's your, problem, buddy?' he asked quietly. . . - . . The teacher then went and obtained Miss Marie Z, noted television and screen actress who was in her third week of random life, to come and try to help Dr. Ecstein express love. Dressed in a lovely, soft white evening gown and looking even younger than her twenty-three years, Miss Z, eyes glistening, heads held demurely before her, said to Dr. E in her softest voice 'Please love me. I need someone to feel love for me. Will you please love me?'
Dr. E squinted at her briefly and then replied `How long you felt this way?'
'Please,' Marie begged. `I need your love. I want you to love me, to need me. Please.'
A tear glistened at the corner of one.
'Who do I remind you of?' Dr. E asked.'
'Of only yourself. I have needed your love all my life.'
`But I'm a psychiatrist.'
'Please don't be a psychiatrist anymore. For one minute, no, for ten seconds, for only ten seconds, I beg of you, give
me love. I need so much, to feel your strong arms around me, to feel your love ..'
Marie was close to Dr. E, her beautifully formed bosom heaving with her passionate need to be loved, tears now
wetting both her cheeks . .. .
`Ten seconds?' Dr. Ecstein asked.
`Seven seconds. Five. Three seconds, just three seconds please oh please give me your love.'
Dr. Ecstein stood squat and tense and his facial muscles moiled and twitched. His face began to get red. Then,
gradually, the moiling stopped and, white-faced, he said:- 'Can't do it, Honesty, Trust. Don't know what love is.'
'Love me, please love me, please I'm-'
'The teacher pulled Marie away, and informed: her that there was a request for her presence in one of the love rooms
and she skipped off, leaving Dr.. E still unloving.
Since self-pity is the hardest emotion of all for emotionless people to feel, the teacher made no further efforts with the
basic emotions and took Dr: E to the marriage playroom.
`You, have been unfaithful to your-wife-' the teacher said.
`What for?' he asked.
`I was only suggesting options. Let us say then you have been faithful to her, but-'
The teacher was interrupted by a short, slightly-fat, middle-aged woman coming in and marching up to Dr. Ecstein
and screaming is his face 'You viper! You swine! You beast! You betrayed me!'
'- wait a minute,' Dr. E stammered. '
`You and that trollop! How could you?'
She hit Dr. E a vicious blow on the side of the faces, almost breaking his glasses.
`Are you sure?' he said, backing away. `Why are you so upset?'
'Upset? The wholetown talking about you and that cesspool behind my back.'
`But how can anyone know what never-'
`If I know about it, the whole world knows about it.' She hit Dr. E again less strenuously and collapsed on the couch in
tears.
`It's nothing to cry about,' Dr. E said, coming over to comfort her. `Infidelity is a minor matter, really nothing -'
`Ahhhhhggg!!!!' she erupted from the couch, plowed her head into Dr. E's stomach and sent him crashing over an easy
chair onto a telephone table and wastebasket.
'I'm sorry !' Dr. E. screamed. The woman on top of him was scratching at his face and he rolled desperately away.'
'You bastard!' the woman shouted. `Cold-hearted killer. You've never loved me.'
'Of course not,' Dr. E said, scrambling to his feet. `So -what's all the fuss about?' 'Ahhhhgggg!!' she screamed - and came at-
Later the teacher tried to suggest other possible option to Dr. E. `Your wife has been unfaithful, your best friend
betrayed you, your-'
'So what else is new?' Dr. Ecstein asked.
`Well, let's say your money has all been lost in foolish investment.'