I eased out a slow motion bubbling of mirth.
`I'll be…'
He was chuckling too, in slow motion. `I'll be . . . the Savior . . . of the world . . . and do nothing, and you .. .'ll kill … me.'
`And I . .' Goddam it, it was funny! How beautiful it was `… I'll kill you.'
The room was a beautiful blur bouncing up and down on the bubbles of our laughter. Tears were in my eyes and I took of my glasses and put my face in my folded arms and laughed, my big body rumbling from cheeks to belly to knees, laughing, tears wetting my jacket, the soft cotton material caressing my wet face like bear's bristle, and crying with an ecstasy that I hadn't known before that moment, and looking up because I couldn't believe I was crying and Eric's face blurred, blurred bright but blurred and I looked for my glasses - such terror that I might never see again - and after groping for forty days I found them and put them on and looked at the blurred brightness and it was Eric's holy face flowing tears like mine and he wasn't laughing.
Chapter Twenty-one
[Being an edited tape from one of the early analytic sessions given by Dr. Jacob Ecstein to Dr. Lucius Rhinehart, neurotic. We are cutting into the tape about half way through the analytic hour. The first voice is that of Dr. Rhinehart.]
- I'm not sure why I entered into this affair but I think it may partially be aggression against the husband. How have your relations with Lillian been? - Fine. Or rather, about as usual, which means up and down but essentially
happy. I don't think it was or is aggression against Lil. At least I don't think it is.
But against the husband.
Yes. I won't use names or go into details because you know the people involved, but I find the husband too ambitious
and conceited. I experience him as a rival.
You don't need to hide the names. You know it would make no difference outside this office how I treated them.
Well, maybe. I suppose you're right, but I don't think the names should be necessary if I can present everything else
honestly. - The details.
Yes. Although I suppose you will know then immediately the people I'm talking about. But still, I'll omit the names. How did the affair start? - I followed . . . a whim one night and went to her place, found her alone, and raped her. Raped her?
Well, there was a good deal of cooperation. Actually, she enjoyed it more than I did. But the original idea was mine.
Mmm.
We've been seeing each other off and on now for about half a year.
Mmmm. I go to her place when her husband's away, or occasionally we meet in a room I rent in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.
Ahhh.
Sexually it's been rewarding. The woman seems totally without inhibitions. I've tried just about everything my
imagination can cook up and she seems to have more recipes than me.
I see. The husband doesn't seem to suspect a thing. He doesn't suspect a thing.
No. He seems completely wrapped up in his work. His wife says he pulls off a quick one about once every two weeks but with about as much passion or pleasure as when making an extended bowel movement. Mmmm. I once finished an orgasm in her while she was handing a towel in to her husband in the bathtub.
You what? I was pumping away from behind while she leaned into the bathroom and talked to her husband and handed him a towel.
Look here, Rhinehart, do you know what you're saying?
I thought I did.
How could you … How could you possibly…
What's the matter?
How could you possibly miss the significance of this affair?
I don't know. It seems just…
Free associate.
What?
I'll feed you words and you free associate.
Oh, okay.
Black.
White.
Moon.
Sun.
Father.
Mother.
Water. Ah. . . bathtub.
Road.
Roadway.
Green.
Yellow.
Fucking from rear.
- Ar . . . ah . . . ah . . . artificial.