SAVANNAH HADN’T BEEN TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM SINCE HER last miscarriage. She welcomed the distraction of a new environment, letting herself stare unapologetically at the nurses and doctors as they walked or ran past her room. It kept her mind off her own troubles – like how much harder it was to breathe, and how much more her chest ached.
Shaun looked about as awful as she felt. He sat beside her bed in a plastic chair, shoulders hunched and features etched with worry. She’d never forget the look on his face when she’d regained consciousness – it still hadn’t faded entirely. The intake nurse had asked him twice if he was alright.
The time passed slowly. The ER didn’t seem full, but apparently it was still busy. She had nothing to compare it to, other than the rare episode of hospital dramas she’d seen on TV, and who knew how accurate those were. Regardless, it took half an hour for a doctor to finally come to Savannah’s bed and pick up the chart; when she did Savannah’s nerves kicked up a notch for fear of what she might say. Shaun straightened in the chair and they reached simultaneously for each other’s hands.
“Hi there, Mrs. Trover. I’m Dr. Rockwell.” She pulled over a stool, lips pursed, and looked over Savannah’s chart. “Weakness and fatigue for two weeks?”
“Yes.”
“And the fainting spell this evening.”
“Yes, that’s never happened before.”
Dr. Rockwell pulled her stethoscope from her neck and settled it into place. “You told the nurse your chest ached. For how long?”
“I don’t know – three or four days, maybe? But not as badly as it does now.”
“Have you had shortness of breath, vomiting, diarrhea?”
Savannah blinked at the rapid-fire questions. “Um – short of breath, yes. It used to be just when I’d go up the stairs, but it’s a lot harder to breathe now than it was before I fainted.”
Dr. Rockwell moved the chest piece to a new place, eyes trained somewhere above Savannah’s head as she listened. “Have you ever had a stress test, heart catheterization, echocardiogram?”
“No, never – I’m usually very healthy.”
“Do you have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, or do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been told you have a weak heart?”
The questions were becoming unnerving. “No. No to all of it. Like I said, I’m usually really healthy. Although…” She rubbed a hand to her chest. Talking so much was making it hurt more. “My doctor told me today to get an echo done. I was going to make the appointment tomorrow.”
The doctor helped Savannah sit up, then pushed her hair behind her ears and settled the chest piece between Savannah’s shoulder blades. “Deep breath in, please.”
It was more difficult than she expected it to be. She bit her lip, trying not to jump to any conclusions.
“Your doctor didn’t hear anything amiss in your lungs?”
“Rales – he said he heard rales.”
“Did you get a chest X-ray?”
“Yes, at the imaging center in his medical building. He said he saw fluid in my lungs and told me to get an echo done because my heart didn’t look right.”
Dr. Rockwell removed the stethoscope and laid it around her neck. “That’s consistent with what I’m hearing. I’m sending you up for an X- ray, we’re going to check your lungs again, and your heart.”
Shaun’s hand tightened on hers. “Any idea what it might be?” His voice sounded strained.
“I don’t want to say anything until I’ve had a chance to look at the X-rays.” She pulled back the sheets and continued her examination. After a moment she pressed on Savannah’s ankles. “Do you get swelling very often?”
Savannah pushed herself up on her elbows and gasped. Her ankles had swollen considerably. “No,” she said, her voice small. “Never.”
The doctor gave them a sympathetic look as she draped the sheets back over Savannah’s legs. “Don’t worry; we’ll figure this out. But first things first. I’ll order that X-ray, and someone will be with you in a bit to take you up to radiology. As soon as I get a chance to look at the results I’ll come back here and tell you what we’ve found.”
She made some notes on the chart, then left them staring at each other.
“ ‘What we’ve found’ – she didn’t tack on an ‘if anything.’ “ Savannah lay back again.
“Noises in the lungs – that could just be pneumonia. Walking pneumonia, maybe.”
“That’s pretty common, though. Dr. Helms would have picked that up. And my ankles… what on earth would cause that?”
They both fell silent, staring once again at the activity outside their little room. Savannah tried not to let her imagination run wild, but it was an exercise in futility. She thanked the nurse with more gusto than necessary when they were finally taken up to radiology; she was grateful for the change of scenery and another new experience to keep her mind occupied.
By the time they got back down to the ER-and placed in a curtain-walled cubicle room, which did nothing to calm her anxiety since now the noises and drama of the place were more easily heard- Shaun was looking almost worse than Savannah felt. “Honey, you need to get something to eat, or… something. Coffee-go get yourself some coffee. It’s past ten o’clock; who knows how much longer we’re going to be here.”
“I don’t want to leave in case the doctor comes back.”
“I promise I’ll make her wait until you’re back. Seriously, they’re going to think you’re the one that’s sick pretty soon.”
He gave her a weak smile, then reached for her hand and brought it to his lips. “I love you, Van.”
“I love you, too. Don’t get all emotional on me, Shaun. I won’t be able to take it.”
He chuckled and stood, kissing her hand once more. “Alright, alright. Make sure she waits for me.”
“I promise.”
It turned out there was no need; it took another hour before Dr. Rockwell came back. When Shaun roused Savannah from her nap to hear the news, the dull ache of too little sleep pulsed in every muscle. She prayed she’d be able to rest again soon.
The look of tension in Shaun’s face was at odds with the gentle way he clasped her hand. Savannah was grateful for his strength; she didn’t know how she’d make it otherwise. “So what’s the story, doctor?” he asked. “Do you have any theories?”
“I do, yes. And I think it was a very good thing you came in tonight.” Dr. Rockwell uploaded the X-rays onto the computer beside the bed and took out her pen. She used it to point to the hazy image of Savannah’s lungs. “You can see the somewhat cloudy appearance of the lungs here – as though the film didn’t develop all the way. That’s called pulmonary edema, which basically means fluid in the lungs.” Then she traced a bulbous shape that ballooned out to the right from the center of the chest. “This is your heart. A healthy heart would only come out to here or so-” She indicated a space about half an inch closer to the center. “Yours is enlarged.”
Savannah felt like the breath was pulled from her lungs. She fought out the words. “Enlarged heart?”
“So what does all that mean?” Shaun’s voice belied his fear, as did the way his hand tightened on hers.
“I believe we’re looking at heart failure.”
Savannah almost laughed. “Heart failure? I’m the healthiest person I know. How is that possible? It can’t be right. Right, Shaun?”
Shaun’s eyes never left the doctor. “You can fix this, right? What do we do now?”
“We’re going to admit you for an echocardiogram and a cardiology consult. But I’m encouraged by the fact that you’re still as active and alert as you are. I think we caught this just in the nick of time.”
THE NEXT TWENTY-FOUR HOURS WERE like a roller coaster that only went down.
It was past midnight when she was finally brought up to the room. She insisted Shaun go home and sleep since the night nurse assured her nothing else would be done until the morning. “I’ll call you as soon as they tell me when things will get going again.”
“I won’t be able to sleep knowing you’re here alone.”
“You’re exhausted. You’ll sleep. Believe me. You definitely won’t if you’re here, at least not well. Better chances in your own bed. Just go.”
She slept on and off, woken frequently by unfamiliar noises, vitals checks by the night nurse, and runaway dreams that left her breathless when she woke. Her breakfast was brought in at seven-thirty, and she gave up trying to sleep after that.
In the new semi-private room-which she shared with a woman whose heart monitor beep drove Savannah batty-the television with limited channels was her only source of entertainment, and nothing on the airwaves was interesting enough to hold her attention for long. As a result, her thoughts ran wild, dreaming up scenarios that all ended with her wishing she had pen and paper to write down her wishes for her funeral. She felt worse than she had when they’d first arrived in the ER. True fear was starting to set in.
She was taken after breakfast to the echo lab, Shaun arriving just minutes before the appointment, and underwent the echocardiogram. After that it was back to her room, where Shaun settled in to the chair beside her bed with a book and Savannah tried to take a nap. It was a pointless attempt-her keyed-up nerves were enough to override her exhaustion.
“Jessie wanted to know if she should come,” he said out of nowhere.
“What did you tell her?”
“That we would let her know when we found out anything, but that she didn’t need to come unless she really wanted to.”
“When does she leave for school again?”
Shaun thought a moment. “The 27th.”
“She’s got a lot on her plate with work and getting ready for the next semester. No sense in her wasting time here. Besides, anytime you visit someone in the hospital they always look worse than they really are. I wouldn’t want her getting scared when things aren’t really that bad.”
“Aren’t that bad?”
She kept her eyes to the ceiling. “I’m working on positive thinking.” She sighed and looked to the window, but the sunlight that snuck in through the cracks between the curtains and the walls hurt her eyes. “I should have asked you to bring my Bible.”
“Want me to find you one?”
“Would you?”
“Of course. I’m sure we’ve got one in the car. Give me a minute.”
He returned a bit later with a flimsy paperback version that had seen better days. “I should have thought of that when I came this morning. I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t worry about it. I’m not really in the mood to read. I wanted it more for the comfort.” She held it in her hands and frowned, disappointed. The unfamiliar feel of the cover couldn’t compare with the soft, worn leather of her personal Bible. She flipped to the Psalms and let her eyes skim the page until they caught a familiar verse:
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
She had written out those lines after her first miscarriage and taped them to the bathroom mirror. The verse had still been there when she’d had her second miscarriage, but sometime in the years after she’d removed it; the paper had curled from shower humidity and the words were ingrained on her heart and memory. Why hadn’t they come to mind during the last two weeks?
A disturbing thought came to her as she stared at the Scripture. She hadn’t prayed once-besides the brief and panicky, “Dear God, don’t let my heart go out!” after seeing the X-ray – since coming to the ER. Shaun hadn’t even suggested they pray together.
What had happened to her faith?
Like a panoramic movie, the last ten years of her life scrolled through her mind, revealing the incremental decline of her spiritual life. She saw herself on stages across the country, at the head of endless lines of fans wanting her signature in their books, at planning meetings and publisher meetings and marketing meetings. She didn’t see herself in church, or hidden away in prayer, or reading Scripture. She’d become a businesswoman for God, selling the promise of a meaningful life and cashing in on the desperate longings of harried mothers who wondered if their existence amounted to anything more than carpool schedules and menu planning to stretch a buck.
“Shaun, we need to pray.”
He looked up from his book, concern clouding his face. “Why, what’s wrong?”
“We haven’t prayed at all since we came in. We haven’t prayed together at all since I’ve been home, even. And before the tour…” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I haven’t seen it. I’ve been so caught up in the… the business of ministry. I feel like such a cliché.” A humorless laugh escaped, and her chest burned with the effort. “What if all this is meant to be a wake-up call? We’ve lost our passion, we’ve lost sight of our – our need for God.”
Shaun’s face was sympathetic. “Oh babe, I’m sorry you’re feeling like that.”
“But you see it too, right? It’s not just me imagining this? I mean, when was the last time you and I were really on our knees together? It’s both of us. We’re going through the motions like this is just our career and not a ministry, not a mission.”
Shaun nodded slowly, his eyes trained on the Bible in her lap and his expression unreadable. “No, you’re right. You’re absolutely right.”
“We need to repent. Now.”
Shaun looked to the doorway, then took her hands as she bowed her head. Tears slipped from her cheeks as she asked forgiveness for their prideful independence and lack of desire. Her spirit ached almost as much as her chest as she cataloged all the ways she’d turned Abide & Abound into just another job, all the ways her relationship with Christ had been reduced to a business contract, and Shaun mumbled his agreement along with her. As she prayed she felt a renewed sense of connectedness not only with God, but with Shaun. They’d been more like coworkers than man and wife for a while now; maybe this would reignite the flame they’d once had.
They murmured their amens, Savannah wiping the tears from her face and Shaun giving her hands a brief squeeze before sitting back down in the chair beside her bed. A lightness in her soul gave her a surge of hope. No wonder her body was in revolt. Her spirit had been sick. But maybe now that they were back on track, she’d begin to heal.
Savannah began reading the Psalms again. Now the words were leaping off the page and into her heart. A mix of remorse and relief had her alternately thanking God and confessing her sin as she read for the next hour. After a nurse interrupted her to check her vitals, she looked to Shaun. “Listen, regardless of what we find out today, I want you to call Pastor John and see if he can come over tomorrow. I think we’d really benefit from praying with him. Maybe we should start meeting with him once in a while, to keep us accountable. What do you think?”
“Accountable? What do you mean?”
Savannah was disappointed by his defensive tone. “Just… I don’t know, making sure we don’t slip back into that rut again. You don’t think that would be helpful?”
“That makes me feel like you don’t think I can be trusted to do the right thing without someone breathing down my neck.”
The comment was out of character. Savannah gaped in surprise. “Shaun, what on earth would make you think that? That’s not what I said at all, and it’s certainly not what I meant.” He had always been more private than she when it came to his faith, but she never would have expected him to respond like this. “You used to meet with Alex and Kurt and William once a month for breakfast – that’s the kind of thing I’m thinking of, just a checking-in now and then, someone to ‘report’ to besides just each other. That obviously isn’t working.”
Shaun shook his head and waved a hand to dismiss the idea. “Look, when you’re out of here and we’re back to normal, then we can talk about that kind of thing. For now I don’t even want to think about A &A. I just want us to focus on getting you better.” He sat back in his seat and reopened the book he’d been reading, effectively ending the conversation whether she was finished or not.
Hurt but too tired to fight, Savannah flipped back to the Psalms, but instead of reading she closed her eyes and began to pray.
She awoke with a start, unsure of how long she’d been sleeping. The cardiologist stood at the foot of her bed. “I’m sorry to have interrupted your nap, Mrs. Trover,” he said, his deep voice soothing her. “But I wanted to talk to you about our next step.”
Savannah clutched the Bible tightly with one hand. Shaun grabbed the other. “So you know what’s wrong?” Shaun asked.
“Well, yes and no.” The doctor pulled the curtain as far to the other wall as it would go, giving them the most privacy they’d get in a shared room. He perched himself on the edge of the bed and consulted the printout he held. “Based on a lack of indicators for congenital issues, we’re guessing a virus has attacked your heart- which would make sense, given the flu you had. We just don’t know what virus, though honestly it doesn’t matter at this point. It’s the result that we’re concerned about – namely myocarditis. Heart failure, in layman’s terms. We’re going to keep you here, get you started on some medications that will hopefully help slow down the failure, monitor you for a few days to track your heart’s efficiency, and that will help us determine what the next step is. Typically we can’t do a lot for the myocarditis; we’ll treat the symptoms and give your body the rest and support it needs to heal the heart itself. To that end, we’ll keep you on the heart monitor to watch for arrhythmias, put you on a restricted diet, start you on digoxin and Lasix, and see how things go for the next week or so.”
“A week?” Savannah rubbed a hand over her eyes. “That’s so long.”
“Well, honestly, it may be longer than that. We just have to see what happens.”
Shaun sat on the edge of his seat. “So what are you looking for over this next week then? And what are the options at that point, the possibilities?”
“Well, if things go the way we hope they do, then your heart will begin to strengthen, we’ll see some improvements in energy and strength, and your heart’s efficiency will recover to where it should be. Most patients do recover from myocarditis with standard supportive treatment, and your previous health is a good indicator that you will.”
Savannah was afraid to ask what was on her mind, but more afraid of the unknown. “And if I don’t improve? What then?”
“Hopefully it won’t get to that. But depending on how things go, we may have to try some other medications, see if they slow the failure and help turn things around. A pacemaker may be necessary, if your heart’s rhythm gets out of sync. But if you continue to worsen at the pace you have so far, it’s possible you’ll need a heart transplant.”
Savannah feared her heart would stop right then. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at Shaun, knowing she’d break down. “A transplant? It could get that bad?”
“There is a possibility, yes.” He stood and hung the chart back on the foot of her bed. “But don’t dwell on that. Your chances for a full recovery are good.”
He gave them a parting smile and nod, then left them to sit with the reality of a heart so broken it might never heal.
SHAUN WOKE DISORIENTED, THE LAST of his dream still playing out in his mind as he opened his eyes to a room with too much light. He shook the disturbing images from his head and checked the clock, then groaned when he saw he’d overslept.
By the time he got downstairs for breakfast it was almost nine o’clock. He heard Jessie in her room, talking on the phone, and realized he couldn’t leave for work until he told her what was going on with Savannah. She’d already been asleep when he’d gotten home the night before, and he’d been reluctant to wake her since he wasn’t sure if she had a morning shift. Apparently she did not, which meant she was probably on the phone with Adam; that conversation could go on for hours. Shaun decided to have his breakfast and then ask her to hang up so they could talk.
“… And then we could do a sundae bar for dessert, maybe see if The Sweet Shoppe would be willing to donate – oh wait, my dad’s here, hold on a sec.” She covered the mouthpiece of her cell with her hand. “Hey, Dad, what’s up? I didn’t know you were still here.”
“I overslept this morning. Can we talk for a minute before I leave for work?”
Her face clouded. “Yeah, hold on.” She went back to her phone. “Hey, let me call you back. My dad needs me for a minute. Cool?… Okay, love you too. Bye.” She hung up and tossed the phone on the bed. “It’s about Mom, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is.” He sat across from her on the bed, their knees touching over the floral bedspread as he laid out the details, starting with Savannah’s collapse. “They’ve started her on some medications that might help – in fact, they seem fairly confident that they will. But she’s going to be in the hospital for at least another week, possibly more.”
Her eyes got big. “Wow. That’s a long time.”
He huffed out a chuckle. “Yes, it is.”
“But then what?”
“Well, hopefully the medications will help take some of the pressure off her heart and let it heal. Once it does…” he shrugged. “She’ll be back to normal.”
Jessie nodded slowly. “That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
“So… anything else?”
“Well, she asked me to get her laptop to her sometime today. I was hoping you could take it to her.”
She made a face. “I don’t know if I’ll have time. Adam and I have to finish planning the freshman welcome dinner, and I’m working until five-”
“Jessie, this is your mother. She’s lonely in there.”
Jessie rolled her eyes. “Come on, Dad, we both know she’s not desperate for me to visit.”
He arched his brows in reproach. “You’re her daughter. Of course she wants to see you.”
She sighed, slumping back against the pillows. “Come on, Dad. You know we don’t get along.”
“I know – and that’s why I think you ought to go in and see her. How often do you two spend time alone together? Your relationship will never improve if you’re never together.”
“But, Dad, hanging out with someone and hanging out in the ICU are completely different. Seriously, it’s just going to feel forced. She’ll know it, and I’ll know it, and it’ll be totally uncomfortable.”
He remembered yesterday afternoon, when Savannah had gone off about them not being spiritual enough lately. Maybe with that personal awakening her eyes would be opened to how distant she was from her own daughter. “She may be a little… easier to relate to.” He put up his hands in surrender. “Look, you’re an adult; you can make your own decisions. Just bring her the laptop and leave if you want to.”
“Oh, right, that would be really nice.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re telling me everything, right? They didn’t give her only a month to live or anything?”
“Well, no. They think it’s serious, but they seem to think they’ll be able to get it under control.”
“But what if they can’t?”
He hadn’t wanted to get into the what if’s. He let out a long breath. “If they can’t, she might need a heart transplant.”
Her eyes went wide. “Oh-oh wow.”
“Yeah. But really, they don’t seem to think it will get that bad. Although being cooped up in there by herself might be enough to do her in,” he said, attempting a joke.
Jessie looked at the clock, then back at him with a look of resignation. “I work at noon; I’ll go see her before then.”
He stood and planted a kiss on her forehead. “You’re a good daughter.”
“You’re a good dad. And guilt-tripper.”
He laughed for the first time in two days. “Thanks, I think.”
Shaun got in the car and headed for A &A. He hadn’t planned on working today, but Savannah had insisted. “The only thing you can do here is sit in an uncomfortable chair all day and read while I nap.” She was right, of course, but he still felt like he should be there – if for no other reason than to monitor how her spirits were doing. He hadn’t said anything to her before leaving, but by the time he was finally kicked out of the ICU, he was concerned at how much she’d slept and how much more drawn she looked. Certainly it was just the shock of the previous 24 hours of tests and news and constantly being awakened by nurses when she was trying to nap. But still…
He shook the thoughts from his head. No use borrowing trouble. She was in the best place possible if she truly was deteriorating, and dwelling on it wouldn’t fix anything. He had other things to think about, like the hospital bills that would be rolling in soon. A &A had decent insurance, but it didn’t cover anything 100%, and he knew hospitals were notorious for gouging you on even the smallest items, like ten bucks for an aspirin. He needed to start planning now for when those statements came, because they had no money right now to pay them.
He could think of a few ways to save some money here and there, like not going grocery shopping while she was away and just eating what they had in the house. Jessie usually had one meal at home, sometimes two, and he could skip breakfast. Over a week that wouldn’t amount to much, but he could get used to it now and then keep it up when Savannah came home. Over the long run it would help a little.
But not nearly enough. He knew that for sure. The only way he could think to get more would be to skim more from A &A. And in order to do that, he’d need to get rid of Nick.
Savannah would be mad when she found out. But he had to do it. What choice was there? If Nick was as conscientious as he appeared to be, it wouldn’t take long before he figured out Shaun’s scheme.
He didn’t anticipate any pushback; one of the reasons he’d hired Nick was because one of his references mentioned something about Nick’s avoidance of confrontation. As long as Shaun stayed firm, chances were Nick would slink away and never come back.
Shaun pulled into the parking lot and sat in his car for a minute, psyching himself up. He wished he could just get it over with, but he didn’t want to do it at the beginning of the day when everyone was around to see Nick pack up. He’d catch him around 4, ask him to stop by Shaun’s office before he left for the evening.
As for what Shaun would do until then, he had his work cut out for him. Time to start reacquainting himself with how to do the job of an accountant.
JESSIE TOOK THE LONG WAY to the hospital, giving herself time to let her emotions sort themselves out before facing her mother. She was angry with Shaun for guilting her into going. But mostly she was scared. Scared to go to the hospital, a place she’d only been one other time, to say goodbye to a dying friend in high school. Scared to see her normally vibrant and healthy mother in the stark white bed. And, despite her chronic irritation with Savannah, she was scared her mother might die.
Yes, Savannah drove her nuts, with her critical view of everything Jessie did and her disinterest in building a more solid relationship with her daughter. Yes, she was sick of being in Savannah’s shadow, of hearing someone’s squeal of excitement when first meeting Jessie and discovering she was the daughter of “that Savannah Trover.” Yes, she was tired of being an involuntary spokesperson for A &A. But a girl needs her mother, and Jessie was no exception.
Knowing there was a chance, even a slim one, that Savannah might pass brought Jessie to tears. A tiny sliver of her heart still held to the dream of their relationship changing. Maybe it was time to start doing whatever she could to make that dream happen. It would have to be a two-way street, but if she didn’t get things going she might lose her chance.
But how?
Jessie parked the car in the visitor’s lot but kept it running as she analyzed her typical reactions with Savannah. She didn’t usually engage much, choosing instead to do whatever needed to be done with Savannah as quickly as possible and then retreating. And when Savannah said something that irked her, or hurt, or insulted, Jesse’s typical response was sarcasm or anger or passive-aggressiveness. She winced at the realization. Maybe their poor relationship wasn’t completely her mother’s fault after all.
“Okay, so what do I do differently?” She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, staring at the lobby doors, waiting for inspiration. “A little help?” she prayed aloud, glancing to the sky and then frowning when it dawned on her that she’d never really prayed about her relationship with her mom. Figures it would take the possibility of death for me to finally start. I’m sorry I’m such a dunce, God.
She was about to give up and just go in when the word honesty came to her. “But I’ve been honest before. Haven’t I?” She sat with that thought for a moment, waiting to see if God revealed anything else. Honest in my responses to her, yes. Honest with my feelings, no.
She’d never told Savannah flat-out how their messed-up relationship bothered her, or how Savannah’s criticism hurt, or how Savannah’s lack of interest in Jessie’s life made her feel like her mother didn’t really care about her as a person. It was time to lay it all out on the table-or, at least, to stop biting back her true feelings and opting instead for snark and sarcasm. If she didn’t start it now, she might never get the chance; and if, God forbid, Savannah really did die, Jessie didn’t want to spend the rest of her life wondering how different things might have been if she’d just spoken her mind.
But could she do it?
“Oh boy,” she sighed. “God, help me.” The prayer seemed to be her new mantra. She turned off the car, pulled the laptop case from the front seat, and headed for the hospital.
SAVANNAH WAS WOKEN BY YET another nurse checking her vitals. She groaned but didn’t have the energy to open her eyes and administer a glare of annoyance. “Again? You have got to be kidding me.”
The nurse chuckled. “Oh honey, you’ll go right back to sleep. Not like there’s anything else for you to do.”
“You’re telling me.” Savannah sighed, then jumped when the phone rang. “Hallelujah, conversation.” She pried open her eyes and saw the nurse smirking as she handed Savannah the receiver. “Hello?”
“Hey, Mom, it’s me.”
Savannah warmed at the voice. “Oh, sweetheart, hello.”
“I’m downstairs, but if you don’t want visitors it’s totally okay-”
“Of course I’d like to see you. Come on up.” Savannah handed back the receiver with a smile. That was a pleasant surprise. Hopefully it would be pleasant, anyway. They hadn’t talked much since Savannah’s failed attempt at emotional intimacy with her daughter. Maybe this would give her a chance to redeem herself. She wouldn’t be out of the hospital before Jessie went back to school, and then her opportunities for conversations would be even more scarce.
Jessie’s face peeked in the door a few minutes later, just as Savannah was about to close her eyes again. “Sweetheart, come in,” Savannah said. “Thanks for coming. Oh, my laptop, wonderful. Just set the bag on the floor. I’ll get it later.” She reached out her hands to give Jessie a hug, noting with an ache the way the girl hesitated, eyeing the heart monitor before leaning down to her. Savannah hadn’t seen a mirror in two days; no doubt she looked awful.
“Did I wake you up? You look really tired. Like, really tired.”
Savannah gave her a wan smile. “I am. But I can sleep all day, so don’t worry. If I could get more than an hour’s sleep at a time I might feel better. They poke and prod you at all hours here. It’s ridiculous.”
Jessie’s eyes slid back to the machine. Savannah couldn’t blame her. It was almost eerie, seeing the little green line jumping like the stock market chart, just like in the movies. “It’s mesmerizing,” Savannah admitted. “I spend way too much time staring at it, like it’s going to do something different all of a sudden. Or stop.”
Jessie’s gaze snapped to hers, and Savannah winced.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to be so noir.”
Jessie turned her back to the machine and looked around the room. “So, Dad said you’re stuck here for a week?”
“Yes. A very long week. But the laptop will help, if I can find the stamina to use it. Sit down, if you want.” She nodded to the chair beside the bed and smiled. “Terribly uncomfortable, I’ll tell you right now. So are you working today?”
“At noon, yeah; I’ll have to leave in half an hour.”
“That’s fine, I understand. You were sweet to come in; I appreciate it.”
Jessie smiled slightly. “Sure.”
“So when do you go back to campus?”
Jessie smiled. Savannah loved how Jessie’s face lit up like Shaun’s when she was excited about something. “The 27th. That’s the day before the freshmen orientation starts, and Adam and I are in charge of the welcome dinner. In the past it’s been this casual thing, right? But we decided to make it sort of like a formal, with the jazz combo doing background music and some of the upperclassmen-”
“You know, when I started there in ‘79, they held a separate welcome party for the women. So few women enrolled they just set up a table in the kitchen. They gave us a welcome tea, with doilies on the table, like we were a bunch of grannies or something. We all just died laughing.”
The memory came from nowhere, and made her want to laugh again, if only she had the energy. That was the first day she’d met Tabitha. She hadn’t thought of her in years. She knew how sad it was to admit that. “I had that great Farrah Fawcett feathered ‘do and used half a can of Aqua Net to get it to stay.”
She caught Jessie’s unreadable expression and gave a weak chuckle. “My gosh, I sound like a granny. Actually, I feel like one today, too.” She closed her eyes briefly, trying to summon the strength to keep up the conversation without feeling like her chest was going to explode. “So, you must have your classes picked out, then?”
“We did that before school ended in May. I told you the classes I was taking when I got back, remember?”
“You did? Oh, that was right before I left for the tour, wasn’t it? I was probably distracted; tell me again.”
Jessie was silent for a moment, then said with a sigh, “Child psych, worldviews, 21st Century Issues, and language arts.”
“That’s an interesting load. I think my junior year I took six classes both semesters. It was the one year I really put the pedal to the metal. You should consider picking up a fifth class. You don’t want your senior year to be-”
“I’ve got all my semesters already planned out, Mom. I know what I’m doing.”
“I didn’t say you didn’t, Jess. I just don’t want you to be overwhelmed your senior year, that’s all. Leave space to enjoy it.”
“I’m not planning on graduating next year anyway, Mom. Dad and I talked about this, remember? I’m going to take an extra semester so I don’t have to kill myself with school and work.” She huffed out a breath. “I know he told you, you just don’t remember. As usual.”
Savannah frowned. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. It must be this stupid heart thing-”
“No, it’s not, Mom.” Jessie rolled her eyes. “This is how you always are. If it doesn’t pertain to you, you don’t remember and you just plain don’t care.”
Horror dawned on Jessie’s face. Before Savannah could think of a response to the completely unexpected accusation, Jessie hopped up from her seat as though electrocuted. “I should go; there was traffic.”
Savannah watched Jessie disappear, her heart wounded in another way. She and Jessie had never connected; she knew she wasn’t always the most attentive mother, but to insinuate that she was self-centered to the point of ignoring her only child – that was ridiculous.
She hit the call button, and a nurse arrived a moment later and pulled the laptop from its case and set it on Savannah’s lap. Her thoughts hummed around in her head, though her body barely had the strength to type. She opened her mind-mapping brainstorming program and began to slowly take notes. Surely she had a book somewhere in this mess. Certainly that’s what God was expecting her to do with this experience – turn it into a way to minister to other Christian women facing hardship.
Scripture re: illness/hardship/suffering. Comforting the afflicted. Other ppl’s stories, not just mine? She stopped frequently to let her thoughts play out or her mind wander, but also to rest her hands and eyes. She had fatigue in every muscle. She tried to be patient with herself and her limitations, but finally during yet another break she slapped the laptop shut with a grunt of anger.
Frustrated, she closed her eyes and fought tears. She hated crying when people might see her. She also hated being so weak, a prisoner to the strength-sucking heart disease that was hindering her from living the life she loved. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so still and unproductive.
The light bulb in her spirit went off again, just as it had the day before. She was doing it again-trying to do, do, do instead of just abiding with God and letting their time together overflow from her heart and into the way she ministered. That’s how A &A-Abide and Abound-had gotten its start. She was embarrassed to see how few hours it had taken to fall back into the trap of treating her relationship with God like a means to a career.
Savannah reached for the Bible that was still sitting on the bed beside her. She set it on the laptop and opened it to the Psalms again, her new favorite book. After sitting still for a moment to catch the breath that was stolen from her nearly every time she moved, she began to read, soaking up the words and trying to focus on God alone instead of the noise of the hospital and the urge in her head to keep doing. She didn’t last long before her eyes closed against her will, the muscles too spent to continue. Prayer became her next outlet, and occupied her until she fell asleep again.
SHAUN DIALED NICK’S EXTENSION, IGNORING the fist in his gut. “Hey, it’s Shaun. Listen, I’m tied up for pretty much the rest of the day, but could you stop by my office before you leave this evening?”
Nick was amiable, as always, and Shaun indulged in a brief moment of self-hate before going back to the budget he’d been reviewing. At least Nick was single – no family to support, no girlfriend to disappoint, at least not that Shaun knew of. He tended not to get too close to his accountants.
Shaun had spent most of the day combing through the budget, thinking the stingiest, most miserly thoughts he could to try to find more places to cut back. The biggest possibility was in relocating to a cheaper building. If they could slice off at least a quarter of their rent, he’d feel a lot better. And with one less cubicle needed, they’d fit in a smaller space. The fact that he was about to get a whole salary back into the coffers helped, too, though he didn’t feel nearly as good about that.
Nick knocked on Shaun’s door at five o’clock. Shaun felt the tremble start in his hands as he waved him in. He began to clean up the mess of papers on his desk to give them something to do for a moment. “Hey, Nick, take a seat.”
Nick sat just in time to catch the container of pens that teetered off the back edge of Shaun’s desk when it was pushed by a mound of paper. “Didn’t get a chance to ask you today, how’s Savannah?”
“Ah – still hanging in there. Thanks for asking,” he said with a terse smile. Why did Nick have to be such a nice guy? “Nick, I – I’m going to just get right down to it, and I hope you’ll forgive me for not giving you a little more warning. With Savannah and all, I’ve been a bit distracted, but I knew I had to get on with this.” He cleared his throat, clutched his trembling hands out of sight in his lap. “You’re the accountant, so you know that our budget is tight, and this economy is struggling.” Nick nodded along with him, a politely curious look on his face. “You haven’t been here long, and I know I never went over with you the trends in giving this organization has seen since its inception ten years ago, but I’m confident, unfortunately, that the resource and book purchases are going to continue to decrease as our economy continues to struggle. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I’m a stock-market-playing kind of guy, and I make it my job to know what the market is doing so I know how to best invest and sell. Everything is pointing to things getting much worse before they get any better.”
Nick cocked his head. “Really? I thought things were already starting to get better.”
Shaun shook his head. “No. It looks that way on the surface, but the foundation of the market is cracking. Point being, we as a ministry need to start planning now, while we’re still in the black and not in crisis mode. We need to prepare for the day our giving and sales drop off so we can stay afloat. I’ve been trying to think of ways we can tighten our belts here, start stashing more into our savings, and one of the ways I can help make that happen is by taking on more responsibilities. One of the jobs I’m qualified to do here is the accounting.”
Understanding dawned in Nick’s eyes. “Ah… I see.”
“You’ve done an excellent job in the short time you’ve been here, Nick, and I can’t tell you how awful I feel letting you go. But we’ll give you a month’s severance and a glowing recommendation, which I hope will get you back into the job force somewhere soon.” Shaun slid a confidentiality notice across the now-cleared desk, then held out a pen to Nick. “I’ll stay late; you can take whatever time you need to clean out your desk.”
Nick’s expression clouded as he took the pen. “Oh, so – today?”
Shaun held his gaze steady. “I’m afraid so.”
Nick studied the confidentiality notice for a moment, then opened his mouth as though to speak, but quickly shut it again and signed. “I’m sorry I won’t get to see Savannah before I leave. Please let her know Christy and I are praying for her.”
“Christy?”
“My girlfriend.”
Dang it. “Oh. Well, thank you, to you and Christy, and I will definitely let Savannah know.” He stood and shook Nick’s hand before he left, then waited for the door to close and Nick to disappear from view before vomiting his lunch into the trash.
THREE DAYS LATER, THE LAPTOP and the book both lay forgotten on the table beside her bed. She spent most of her time sleeping now, partly to escape the pain that was worsening in her torso, but mostly because she simply couldn’t stay awake.
Her mind was having a heyday, however, playing out in dreams all the things she couldn’t do in reality. This time it was a marathon. She’d never run a marathon before, never even had the inclination, but here she was, flying past the cheering crowds that lined the street in some nameless city. They were shouting her name in unison, urging her on; she could see the ribbon stretched across the lanes in the distance. Van. Van. Van.
“Van? Van? Hey, babe, it’s me. Wake up.”
The scene faded away as Savannah came back to consciousness in slow motion, her senses awakening one at a time. She opened her eyes and saw not only Shaun, but the cardiologist as well. Neither knew how to keep their thoughts off their faces.
She smiled at Shaun and lifted a finger in greeting. “Hey.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
Shaun kissed her forehead. “Hey, babe. I’m sorry to wake you up, but Dr. Wells wanted to talk to us; I knew you’d want to hear everything firsthand.”
She nodded, then raised her brows at the doctor whose lousy poker face made her aching heart sink. “Your face… gives you away.”
He gave her a faint smile. “One of these days I’ll have to take an acting class.” He held her file, which had grown thick in the five days since she’d been admitted, but didn’t look through it like he usually did as he spoke. “I wish I had better news-or at least an explanation. But I don’t. Your body just isn’t responding like we’d expected to the medications. Your ejection fraction is still dropping; the last reading was 18%. For it to get back up to 60% now would be a miracle; I’ve never seen a recovery that major. We think it’s time for a transfer to University Hospital up in Aurora.”
Savannah felt Shaun’s hand tighten around hers. The sound of his breathing changed; she knew he was fighting back tears. She tried to squeeze back and hoped he could feel her feeble attempt.
“They’re very experienced there; you’ll be in excellent hands. They’ve got more resources for this kind of illness than we do; and if you need a transplant, they can get you on the list and handle the surgery. Your nurse will be in with the transfer paperwork shortly; once we get that done we’ll get you into an ambulance and they’ll take you up.” He looked to Shaun, then Savannah. “Do you have any questions?”
Questions? Savannah wanted to laugh. Of course she had questions. But she didn’t have the mental strength to line them all up. She looked up to Shaun. Shaun coughed then said with a strangled voice, “What are the chances… I mean, how long will it be before she gets a new heart?”
“They’ll be able to give you that kind of information in Aurora.”
“Will a new heart fix everything?”
The doctor’s face brightened. “It should, yes. That’s the source of all the trouble right now. If we get that fixed, you should be good as new, barring any rejection complications. I don’t know the stats on that, either – another question Aurora can help you with. But they’ll go over all that with you when you get there.”
Dr. Wells took Savannah’s hand. “I’m sorry things are working out this way, Savannah. You’ve been a pleasure to work with. Come back and visit us when you’re back to your old self.” He nodded to them both, then left.
Shaun sank into the chair beside her. “It’s not like we didn’t see it coming. But having it all official…” He coughed again, his way of covering for his breaking voice. She squeezed his hand again, and he squeezed back, which made her smile. “Okay, time for the really awkward conversation.” He looked up from his lap, but still not into her eyes. “It’s been ten years since we looked at our will, Savannah. We should do that… soon.”
She blinked at him. “Seriously? Don’t jinx things!”
“I’m not jinxing them; I just want to make sure we’re prepared. It’s the Boy Scout in me. Our life now is nothing like it was a decade ago; we need to account for that, make sure everything is covered. Think of it this way-if we do it, we won’t need it, right? It’s a law of nature. You prepare for the worst so that the worst doesn’t happen.”
She turned her head away, her gaze going to the unremarkable view beyond her second-floor window. She knew in her heart he was right, but still, the thought of making those kinds of preparations… actually, the more she thought about it, the more she realized she should probably make some other preparations as well. Just in case.
“Memorial service, too. So we don’t need it.”
“Oh, Van.” Shaun’s voice cracked. She took his hand as tears came to her own eyes. She didn’t have the strength to fight them back, or to even cry them out. They slipped down her cheeks, and she conjured the image of her dream, her body bounding through the street, her hair long-though she’d had it short for years – flowing behind her. She imagined handing the dream to God as she prayed, flat-out begging that this not be the end.