SHAUN POPPED ANOTHER PRETZEL IN HIS MOUTH AS HE SAT AT the red light. They were stale, but washed down with water they weren’t too bad. He’d found them that morning in the back of the pantry, a forgotten snack from the Fourth of July picnic he and Jessie had thrown while Savannah had been on tour. Lately he’d been skipping both breakfast and lunch, but he’d worked up an appetite helping Jessie pack up her car that morning. She’d been torn on whether or not to go back to campus, but he’d insisted she leave, since they had no idea when a heart might become available. “No use sitting around here,” he’d said. “Might as well go and keep yourself busy.”
He hadn’t admitted how jealous he was that she had somewhere to go, an excuse for not going up to the hospital every day to do nothing but read and watch TV while Savannah wasted away on the bed beside him. It was depressing, to be honest. Depressing and scary. When she was awake-which wasn’t often – she was confident God wasn’t ready to take her yet. He wouldn’t have been surprised to hear God had told her that himself. He could see in her eyes that she had changed, had tapped back into that connection with him that Shaun had never really had. He was a little jealous.
The drive from A &A’s office, where he spent the mornings, to the hospital in Aurora took nearly an hour and a half. Savannah tried to talk him into getting a hotel room and working remotely, but he couldn’t bear to spend the money – though the gas wasn’t all that much cheaper. Instead, he did everything he needed to do in the mornings, foregoing business and staff meetings since he knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate, and then went to the hospital in the afternoon to wait for good news.
He was late today, however. He’d left work at lunch, like always, then had headed for home to scrape together some lunch from what was left in the fridge and pantry. He’d been slowed by a funeral procession that crossed in front of him at a stoplight, and the view of the hearse was like a kick to the solar plexus.
He’d been doing pretty well up until then. He had so much else to worry about-the medical bills, the fact that they had no savings, the email threats he was getting-that he’d been able to effectively lose himself in those issues and not confront the fact that his wife was dying. But as the gray car slid past him, his fear of losing Savannah and the pain he’d been burying erupted to the surface. As the slow parade of cars drove through the intersection, he choked out sobs that shook his whole body and left his throat raw.
The uncorking of his emotions sent him into a tailspin. He couldn’t get a grip. A life without Savannah… it was unfathomable. No one could ever love him like Savannah did. And no one in the world was like her. No one made him laugh so hard or love so much. Everything he did was for her, and he liked it that way. And after twenty-two years of marriage, he still thought she was as sexy and beautiful as she’d been when they’d met in college. Without her, the capstone of his world was gone. Everything would crumble to dust.
Once home, he stood in the shower and prayed aloud in the steam, alternately begging God for Savannah’s life and railing at him for the mess he found himself in. When the water went cold, he forced himself to dress and find food, though all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for a week. He just had too much to face, too much to worry over and try to solve. Too much he could do nothing about. The thought of escape was bliss, though what form of escape he was unable to let himself ponder. Too many details and he might actually attempt it.
Back at the hospital he pulled into the parking lot and checked his reflection in the rear view mirror. The shower had removed the outward traces of his breakdown, but he wondered if the ever-perceptive Savannah would see it in his eyes.
He let himself daydream, as he crossed the blacktop to the hospital doors, about what it would be like when they finally got The Call. How hope would bring the light back to Savannah’s weary face, how he would be fully consumed – for the meantime, anyway – by the fact that his wife would soon be back to normal. He hadn’t thought much about what that day would be like. It actually made him smile.
The one problem was that the good news they were hoping for would soon be irrelevant. With her condition declining at this rate, Savannah would eventually be too sick to withstand the stresses of the surgery. It was a race against time now, a race he didn’t usually acknowledge because the reality of it was too much to shoulder. He knew Savannah was convinced a heart would come in time, but God sure was cutting it close.
He was halfway to the elevator when his phone dinged to alert him of an incoming email. He tapped a button, then glanced at the screen and nearly choked on a pretzel. No, no, no…
He slumped against the wall and stared at his inbox, his stomach roiling with anxiety. He didn’t want to open the email, but he was afraid not to. “I can’t deal with this right now,” he muttered through clenched teeth. Did this woman not pay any attention to the news? Savannah’s story had been all over the local media this past week; certainly she knew what he was dealing with.
Unless that’s the point- she knows she has me over a barrel.
He shook his head and exited the email program, then pocketed the phone. It didn’t matter either way; he couldn’t do anything about it now.
Savannah was actually awake when he arrived. He thought she looked a little better-not much, but a little – but it might have just been wishful thinking. “Hey, babe, sorry I’m late,” he said, then kissed her forehead as he prayed she didn’t see the worry in his face. “How’ve you been?”
“Okay,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “Jessie gone?”
“Left this morning, yes – but she made me promise to call her if we wanted her to come. She almost didn’t go, but I made her.” Savannah nodded her approval. “Can I do anything for you?”
She shook her head. “Gonna sleep.”
“Okay. I’ll be here until tonight, okay?”
“Okay.” She closed her eyes, and sleep seemed to take her immediately. He was jealous of that, too. Half his night was spent staring at the ceiling.
Shaun reached into the bag where he’d stashed his book, sack dinner, and the mail from the last three days. He removed the latter, all rubber-banded together thanks to a conscientious Jessie. It had been piling up on the counter because he hadn’t had the energy to go through it, but he knew he couldn’t avoid it forever. Might as well go through it now while Savannah slept.
He threw out the sales flyers and business ads, then wasted some time thumbing through the Christian ministry magazine that came every month. He couldn’t concentrate on the articles, though he tried; really he just didn’t want to look at what was inside the envelopes that looked like bills. He looked at every article and even read the classifieds in the back before returning it to the bag and drawing a fortifying breath. It’s just mail, it can’t kill you. At least not directly.
A new insurance card for the car. The gas bill-lower than usual. So far this wasn’t too bad.
An envelope from their health insurance company. His shoulders sagged. He felt defeated already.
He slowly ripped it open and pulled out the pages. Eight of them in all, filled front and back with a mess of confusing tables and codes and procedure names he couldn’t decipher. The last page ended with a total due to each provider. Their combined total had five digits before the decimal.
His vision began to swim. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so devastated if he hadn’t gotten that email first. But now…
“Babe?”
Savannah’s voice startled him, despite how quiet it was. He sniffed, tried to blink away the tears standing in his eyes. “Hey, I thought you were sleeping.”
“You okay?”
“I’m fine, babe. I’m fine.” He gave her a smile, but she shook her head.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, seriously. I’m just… tired. I’m sorry if I woke you up. I didn’t mean to.”
She lifted a hand and he took it in his own. Her eyes were bright despite the rest of her face looking so drawn. “I’ll be okay.”
“I know you will. I believe you.”
“Believe God.”
He hated that his gut reaction was one of cynicism. “I do, babe. You’re going to be fine. Everything is going to work out, I know.”
She smiled and her eyes drifted shut. He waited until her hand was limp in his, then lowered it back to the bed.
He wanted so badly to believe what he’d said. He wanted to trust that God had a plan that involved Savannah recovering and Shaun winning the lottery, or discovering buried treasure behind the trees in their backyard, or anything that would allow him to finally get out from under the crushing financial struggle that was sucking both him and their bank account dry. But all he felt was despair, and no amount of praying seemed to help.
JESSIE FELT LIKE A POSTER CHILD FOR MURPHY’S LAW.
She’d been back on campus for less than 24 hours, and it had been one lousy break after another. For obvious reasons Shaun hadn’t been able to help her move in, so she’d been stuck moving her belongings herself. That in and of itself wouldn’t have been too bad, but because so many others were vying for the moving carts and the elevators were so packed, it had taken her way longer than she’d had time for, given all the details that still needed to be dealt with for the freshman dinner. Then she’d made the mistake of stacking too much on the cart once she got one, and a bump in the sidewalk had sent her desktop computer crashing to the pavement. The accidental damage insurance would take care of it; but she’d have to find time to file the claim-and until that was all sorted she was without her music or internet or email.
With so much time taken up with moving in, she’d had no time to start getting her room in order before having to abandon it for the dinner prep. That meant she had no idea where the shoes were that matched the outfit she’d planned on wearing that night, or where her bathroom caddy was so she could shower before the evening’s event. And apparently she had “customer service representative” tattooed on her forehead, because any time she ventured outside her room she got stopped by a freshman or parent asking her questions she had no idea how to answer. The resident advisor still hadn’t arrived, and as one of the few upperclassmen in the dorm, she was like a beacon to all the new students who were trying to figure out how to get their beds de-bunked or their computers set up to the internet.
And as if all that weren’t enough to stress her out, her mother was going to die and no one wanted to admit it.
Savannah’s decline since her admittance to the hospital had been frighteningly quick. Jessie had gone back to say goodbye the day before, and her mother had been so weak she could barely hold a conversation. It had only been a handful of days since Jessie had brought Savannah’s laptop to the hospital in the Springs. It was hard to believe someone could deteriorate that fast. It was harder to believe they’d then be able to recover.
And yet Shaun – and Savannah herself – seemed convinced that she would. Jessie wanted to believe them, and to have the same faith they did, but she was unable to muster the confidence they seemed to share. So she checked her phone obsessively to make sure she hadn’t missed a text or call, and found herself unable to concentrate on anything for long before her thoughts turned to funeral plans and wondering how she’d handle the grief once the inevitable occurred.
Jessie shook the dark thoughts from her head and consulted her checklist. Tablecloths – check. Centerpieces – check. Decorations… She looked around the gym for the box Adam was to have dropped off. She didn’t see it. She pulled her phone from her pocket and texted him, then checked the next item on the list. Sundae bar items. She groaned aloud. She’d forgotten to confirm the sundae bar with The Sweet Shoppe.
Their contact info wasn’t in her phone or on her checklist. Berating herself with mumbled insults, she dropped the checklist on a nearby table and headed for her dorm room.
On the sidewalk outside her dorm’s front door stood a new student and her parents. Tears glistened on all their faces, and she ducked her head in embarrassment when they engaged in a family hug that brought a lump to her throat. As she passed them she overheard the father praying aloud and saw the girl’s head resting on her mother’s shoulder.
Nothing like when I moved in. Savannah had spent more time talking to people who recognized her from her books and speaking tours than she had with helping Jessie move in. Granted she was less than an hour from home and they all knew they’d see each other often, but not even the milestone of beginning college had created a soft spot in Savannah’s heart. After her boxes had been moved in they’d gone to dinner, where Savannah had dominated the conversation with unsolicited advice about time management and not-so-subtle hints at the kinds of classes she thought Jessie should take.
When the time had come for her parents to leave, she’d gotten a giant hug from Shaun-who also pressed a wad of cash into her hand – and a peck on the cheek from Savannah when she took a break from the list she’d been dictating of activities she thought Jessie should check into. It would have been different if Jessie could have written off the behavior as her mother’s attempt to control her emotions over the thought of her baby girl growing up and moving on in life, but she’d known Savannah too well to even pretend that was the reason. It had been just another example of Savannah wanting to steer Jessie the way she thought she should go, and not taking into account the fact that Jessie had no interest in writing for the school newspaper or trying to join the honor society.
Jessie turned her back on the family whose experience highlighted the deficiencies of her own and swiped her card to unlock the door. She kept her head down and avoided making eye contact with the people who swarmed through the hall as she pushed her way through to her room. Once there, she grabbed the folder of freshman dinner info from her desk and looked up the number for The Sweet Shoppe. She called and asked the employee who answered to confirm the ice cream and toppings delivery for that evening.
“Gosh… I’m sorry. I don’t see that order in our computer. When did you say this event was?”
“Know what? Never mind.” Jessie hung up the phone, flopped to her bed, and cried.
SAVANNAH AWOKE TO FAMILIAR VOICES. It took a moment for her to get her eyes open, but by the time she did she was already smiling. “Hey,” she croaked.
“Ah, Sleeping Beauty awakens!” Mary gave Savannah a gentle hug, then frowned. “Okay, so, I had no idea you weren’t eating anything anymore. The nurse just told me. That really sucks – I brought brownies.”
Savannah smiled. “Make more… when I’m better… and I’ll forgive you.”
Colleen held up a stack of DVD cases. “Shaun said you were sleeping a lot, but we brought these just in case you find yourself awake and bored. All the good ones are here-Sleepless in Seattle, Shakespeare in Love, When Harry Met Sally, and Dirty Dancing.“
“Just don’t, you know, get any ideas,” said Bethany, waving a hand to the machines beside the bed. “All those cords and tubes would really get in the way.”
Andi took Savannah’s hand. “Listen, just let us know if you need peace and quiet. Or just take a nap when you want to and we can stick around until you’re awake again. We don’t want to impose, we just wanted to see you and pray with you and make sure you knew we were all here for you.”
“Love you all… you’re angels.”
“Let’s pray now-get the important stuff out of the way,” Mary said with a grin.
Savannah didn’t dare close her eyes, for fear she’d fall asleep. She stared instead at each of the women holding hands around her bed, their eyes closed and heads bowed as they interceded for her and Shaun. She was moved beyond words by their faithful friendship and sacrifice – she knew how long that drive was from the Springs – and as they spoke over her she thanked God for them and prayed that this ordeal would end in a way that encouraged everyone in their faith.
When they finished, Colleen began straightening the stack of cards and letters from fans that Shaun had brought a few days ago and now cluttered the bedside table. “So, are you really okay with visitors right now? Or do you want to sleep?”
“No sleeping,” she said. “Later. Tell me… what’s up.”
“What’s up, let’s see…” She began to regale Savannah with a dramatic retelling of the senior lunch she and Mary had helped host at church for the retirees. “I swear, I will get Alfred Collins and Helen Grable together by Christmas.”
“Girl, there’s got to be a better way to spend your time than playing matchmaker with senior citizens,” Bethany said with a laugh.
“They’d be… cute together,” Savannah said.
“See? Savannah agrees with me.”
“Savannah is not operating on all cylinders.”
Savannah gave a minute shrug. “She’s right.”
“Any news on when those cylinders might all be up and running?”
She shook her head. “When God’s… good and ready.”
Mary pulled a knitting project from a bag at her feet and began to unwind purple yarn. “Alex has been trying to get ahold of Shaun to go out for breakfast or something, but Shaun hasn’t returned his calls. How is he doing?”
Shaun hadn’t mentioned this to her, though she wasn’t surprised. “Not well. It’s hard on him… all the driving… me like this. I think he’s scared.”
“I would be too, if it were me. I just wish he’d get together with Alex so he could go vent, or play golf, or whatever it is men do to feel better.”
“I’ll tell him… to call… but you know Shaun… he’s private.”
“Yeah, I know. But still. He needs someone to talk to through all of this, someone that isn’t you.”
“I wanted to organize some meals for him and Jessie,” said Bethany. “Or is Jessie back at school now?”
“Left yesterday… Shaun’s always here. Not many… meals at home.”
“Well, he’s got to eat sometime. Maybe I’ll just hunt him down at A &A and bring him some sandwiches or something.”
Savannah smiled. “You’re sweet.”
“How about you?” Andi asked. “How are you doing? Like, really doing.”
She nodded slowly. “I know… God will… heal me… but… still scary. Pain scares me.”
Andi squeezed her hand. “Oh, Van. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this.”
Savannah shook her head. “No… it’s good… God… renewed me through this… broken body but… mountaintop faith.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “Lots of prayer time… listen to worship music… I needed to… slow down.”
Colleen snorted. “He couldn’t have just broken your leg?”
The others laughed as Savannah smiled. “Guess that wouldn’t… have done the trick.”
“Is there anything you need, Van?” Mary asked. “Besides the obvious, which I would gladly donate to you myself if it were possible.”
“Prayer for us… and the donor’s family.”
Mary’s face fell. “Oh, gosh. Yeah.”
“Will you know who they are?” asked Bethany. “Do they tell you that kind of thing?”
“You can… correspond… anonymously… of course I will.”
Andi chuckled. “That’s a heck of a thank-you card to write.”
Savannah’s head nodded a fraction. “You’re telling me.”
Suddenly exhaustion hit her like a fist. “Gotta sleep. But stay… if you want… watch a movie.”
“We don’t want to keep you up.”
“You won’t.” She smiled. “Hopefully I can… chat more… before you leave. Shaun comes… around one. Hound him then, Mary.”
She grinned. “Perfect.”
Savannah closed her eyes, worn out from the effort of conversation, and fell asleep to a soundtrack starting in the background.
SHAUN JUMPED AS A CLAP of thunder took him by surprise. He hadn’t noticed the lightning with the kitchen light on. He moved the pancakes to his plate and poured two more onto the griddle, then checked the salmon in the countertop grill. He’d managed to feed himself without a single trip to the grocery store since Savannah’s hospitalization, but this was definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel. He conceded he’d need to go shopping tomorrow.
One of the nurses had called on behalf of Savannah that morning to tell him not to come up because of the storm that was expected to roll across the state. It had been sunny when she’d called, but by lunch the clouds had begun to darken. He’d almost blown off the warning and gone up anyway; but now that the rain was pouring in buckets, he was glad he hadn’t.
Instead, he was eating an entirely unappetizing dinner and reviewing some stocks he was considering buying. It had been awhile since he’d actively played the market, but it was one of the few ways he could think of that might bring in some extra money. He’d taken out everything he could when the IRS had come calling a few years back, and hadn’t had the time to research stock picks thoroughly enough to make any moves since then. But with two more bills from the insurance company and Jessie’s tuition due, he knew it was time to get back into it.
He ate his pancakes as he made them and took the salmon to his office to eat while he read up on the two stocks he was interested in. The seed money was the one problem. He could get it if he went into their retirement, but he’d get penalized, which meant losing some of the money they desperately needed. But what choice was there?
By the time the salmon was gone his choice was made. All he had to do was bite the bullet and pull the money out of his 403b. He was about to pick up his cell to call his investment company when it surprised him by ringing.
“Hello?”
“Shaun, it’s Tammy – Savannah’s transplant coordinator.”
His blood iced in his veins. “Oh God-she’s not-”
“No, no, Shaun-we have a heart.”
It took a second for his emotions to put the brakes on his grief. “Wait-a heart-for Savannah?”
She laughed. “If it were for someone else I wouldn’t be calling you.”
He darted for the kitchen where his car keys sat. “I don’t know when I’ll get there with the rain. Oh man-I never packed a bag.”
“That’s alright, just get here when you can. The heart isn’t here yet, and it probably won’t get here for another couple hours anyway; it’s up in Fort Collins right now.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Drive safely now-no speeding.”
“Right, right. No speeding.” He hung up and ran back into the bedroom to grab a change of clothes, then shoved them into the computer bag that held his laptop.
He was on the road before he realized he ought to call people. But who? Jessie first, of course. He dialed, praying God would protect him from crashing as he drove through the storm. “They’ve got a heart,” he said when she picked up. “They said it’ll get there in a couple hours. I’m guessing she’ll go straight into surgery once it’s there. I’m on my way up now.”
“Oh my gosh! Okay, okay… we’ll finish up dinner and hit the road in about ten minutes.”
He called Alex after that, who promised to get the word out to their friends and Pastor John. Then he dialed Marisa, who had just gotten back two days prior from a visit to her boyfriend in New York. “They got a heart; it’s on its way.”
“Hallelujah! I can’t believe it! That was so fast.”
“Fast?”
“It’s only been, what, twelve days since she was admitted to the hospital the first time? Some people are on the list for months.”
Shaun had to do the math himself to believe it. Less than two weeks? It felt like a lifetime. “She wouldn’t have lasted months. God knew what he was doing.”
“Are you on your way?”
“Just left ten minutes ago.”
“I’ll call the staff and let them know. Is it okay if people come up?”
“As long as they promise to pray like crazy while they’re here, sure.”
She laughed. “You got it. See you as soon as I can make it up.”
The rain lessened as he drove, and by the time he was halfway there it had stopped completely. Without the weather to worry about, his mind was free to wander. They had a heart. Savannah had been right; God was going to heal her. Why had he doubted?
His thoughts turned to the surgery, and then to the bill that would be coming. Hopefully he’d be able to grab those stocks beforehand. If he had a minute alone, he’d leave a voicemail for the investor who handled A &A’s retirement program to find out about pulling out the funds.
Between the rush hour traffic he’d hit and the weather, it took him almost two hours to get to the hospital. It was just after eight when he ran at full-tilt from the car to the building and up the two flights of stairs to Savannah’s room. Two nurses were preparing to take her to the operating room. “I’m here, Van!” he said, squeezing her foot. She opened her eyes and smiled bigger than he’d seen in weeks. “Jessie’s on her way; Marisa’s coming up, too. I called Alex; not sure who will come up but he’s calling everyone.”
“Tell them all hi.”
He laughed. “I will.”
Tammy entered and threw an arm around Shaun’s shoulder. “You made it! What a night, huh?”
“You can say that again.”
“They’ll take her down in a minute; the heart is about half an hour away. I’ll walk you down to the waiting room and we can go over any questions you have about the surgery.”
“We’re done here, Tammy,” said one of the nurses.
“Alright then – Shaun, you and Savannah can have a minute alone.” She and the nurses left, and Shaun moved beside Savannah and held her hand.
“You okay, babe?”
She nodded. “You?”
“Better than I have been.”
“Pray for me.”
He closed his eyes and found himself speechless. Words couldn’t convey the desperation he felt for this surgery to go right. He stumbled through a prayer he was sure would make Savannah roll her eyes, but when he opened his own she was smiling wide. “See you tomorrow.”
He felt his throat threatening to close. “Promise?”
“Promise.” She squeezed his hand and he kissed her as hard as he dared.
Tammy returned. “Ready to go?”
Shaun let Savannah go and stepped back. “Not really.”
She chuckled. “Savannah?”
“Let’s get this… show on the road.”
“You’ve got it. Off we go!” The nurses wheeled the bed into the hall, and Shaun and Tammy followed them as far as the swinging double doors that led to the OR. He kissed her once more, then let Tammy lead him to the spacious waiting room lined with couches and dotted with tables and chairs.
“Will anyone else be coming?”
“Our daughter and her boyfriend, Savannah’s assistant… possibly some others, but I don’t know for sure.”
“I’ll let reception know and they’ll send them all here. Do you want to wait for your daughter before we go over the surgery?”
“No, I’m not sure when she’ll get here. Let’s just do it now while I can still concentrate.”
They sat at a table and Tammy went over the sequence of events that would begin with the arrival of the heart, but Shaun barely paid attention. All he could think about was his wife in the OR, chest splayed open, her life in the hands of a team of mere mortals. Well, and God, too. But that didn’t comfort him as much as it comforted Savannah.
“Dad!”
He turned in his seat and saw Jessie and Adam coming down the hall. She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Is she okay?”
“She just went in a few minutes ago for prep. The heart should be here soon. This is Tammy, the transplant coordinator. Tammy, this is our daughter, Jessie, and her boyfriend, Adam.”
“Nice to meet you. Boy, aren’t you the spitting image of your mother.”
Jessie smiled a little. “Thank you.”
“I just finished explaining the next twenty-four hours to your dad, but I’ll leave these papers here so you can read over them. Feel free to page me if you have any questions. I’ll be here until she’s out of surgery.”
“How long will that be?” Jessie asked.
“Around nine hours, assuming there are no hitches.”
She blew out a breath. “Wow.”
Shaun stood and shook Tammy’s hand. “Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome. Let me know if you need anything and I’ll see what I can do.”
She disappeared down the hall. Shaun sat back down and rubbed a hand over his face. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“How did she look before she went in?”
“Not great, but obviously she wasn’t bad enough for them to not do the surgery. I have a feeling this was an eleventh hour save, though. At the rate she was going…” He shook his head. “Anyway, we just have to pray this goes okay.” He took the hand Jessie stretched out to him.
“So… what now?”
He shrugged. “Now we wait.”
THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO WAIT alone, however. Not long after Jessie and Adam arrived, Mary and Alex did as well, followed by Adam’s mother and two other A &A staff members, including Marisa. Then Andi and Colleen showed up with their husbands, bringing four pizzas with them, and Pastor John arrived with his wife an hour into the surgery. The impromptu party in the waiting room made Shaun both happy and edgy. It was good to know how many people cared about them-and cared enough to trek for nearly two hours through rotten weather. But it was overwhelming as well – all the praying and worshiping (John had brought his guitar), all the concerned faces close to his asking how he was holding up. A couple hours into the surgery he told Jessie he was going for a walk, and left the group for the quiet of the chapel.
He stared at the stained glass picture of a hilly countryside at sunset, trying to capture some of the peace the image depicted. He was scared Savannah would die, and he couldn’t shake it. He was afraid to consider the details he’d have to face if the surgery didn’t work. He didn’t want to jinx it, or make God think that he was prepared enough for it that he would decide to go ahead and take her. But at the same time, he was afraid not to plan, knowing that he would never think of all the details in the throes of grief; better to have things figured out just in case.
He’d sell the house, for sure. He’d never be able to stay there without his wife, and it was too much space for just him and Jessie- especially since Jessie would likely never really move back. He knew how serious she and Adam were; surely a wedding would follow on the heels of graduation.
A &A would shut down, certainly. It was built around Savannah; without her at the helm it was pointless. It was a ministry for women; Shaun would not be able to do what she did, and Jessie had no interest in being involved – had no interest in the ministry at all, period.
Though at least with A &A gone and the house sold the debts would all go away. What a relief that would be, to have that monkey off his -
“What am I doing?” He said the words aloud, shocked at the turn of his thoughts. “God, I didn’t mean it. I would never trade Savannah just to get out from under this mess. It’s all my own fault. She shouldn’t have to pay for it.”
Another thought ignited panic. “This isn’t all because of me, is it? God, I’m sorry. Please, don’t take her. Don’t let her die.”
A noise behind him made him turn. A chaplain stood at the back, and Shaun’s chest tightened with embarrassment. How much had he heard?
“I’m sorry to disturb you. I did a service in here earlier and think I left my glasses on the podium.” He gave Shaun a friendly smile as he passed him on the way up to the simple wooden podium at the front of the chapel. “Ah, bingo.” He pocketed the glasses and walked back to Shaun. “I’m Reverend Hutchinson. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“My wife – she just went in for a heart transplant, and I’m-” Shaun didn’t know what to say. I’m cheating her ministry out of money at every turn so I can keep someone quiet and keep my kid in college? “I’m feeling… desperate.”
The reverend sat in the pew in front of Shaun and turned to face him. “Can I pray for you?”
He’d gotten plenty of prayer in the waiting room. He didn’t deserve any more. “No thanks,” he said as he stood. “Just pray for my wife.”
He left the chapel and headed back to the waiting room, but the strains of everyone singing made him turn around. He was definitely not in a worshipful mood. He followed the signs to the foyer where a bank of vending machines provided snacks and drinks. He could still hear the music, but hearing it wasn’t as bad as having to participate in it. He slotted some change for a coffee, then sat at one of the tables and let the minutes tick by as he chanted Don’t let her die, don’t let her die in his head.
He rested his head on his folded arms and eventually began to doze, only to awaken with a start sometime later, panicked that he’d missed something. The music down the hall was gone. He checked his phone for the time and saw that the surgery had been going for four hours. He took his coffee, now cold, back to the waiting room and found most of the visitors had crashed out on the couches. Jessie and Adam were playing cards; Mary was knitting in the corner, a blanket with various shades of purple cascading from the needles; and John sat at a table with his Bible and a notebook. Those who were awake acknowledged him when he returned, but thankfully said nothing to him as he made his way to an empty couch and settled into its corner. The chant picked up again in his mind as he closed his eyes, and for the next few hours he dozed off and on before finally succumbing to a deep sleep.
He was awakened by Tammy gently calling his name and shaking his shoulder. His eyes flew open when it finally registered who she was.
He jumped to his feet. “What’s happening?”
She smiled. “Surgery is done, and she did great. It’s over now. Savannah has a new heart.”