I hereby confess:
There are days when I think
it’s not worth the trouble.
I ran as if I hadn’t been awake for more than twenty-four hours. I ran as if the burn in my legs would somehow erase the need or the ability to cry. (It didn’t.) I ran as if Cerberus himself were chasing me. But it wasn’t a three-headed hound of hell who caught up moments after I slammed the Prescott gate behind me. And it wasn’t George, either.
“Amy, wait!”
I stopped. I clenched teeth and fists. And then, slowly, I turned.
Poe put his hands on the bars. “Open the gate.”
“There’s a reason,” I began in a choking voice, “they don’t let graduates keep their proximity cards. It’s because we don’t want you in our lives anymore!”
“Amy, I want to talk to you about this. Please, can’t you just calm down?”
“You lied to me! You betrayed us—again!”
“I lied to you?” His voice rose a few decibels. “Who was the one who pulled that act in New York today? You knew where Jenny was, and instead of telling me, after everything I did to help, you conned me!”
Yeah, and I’d felt bad about it at the time. But clearly it had been misplaced emotion. I stepped closer to the gate. “Jenny pleaded with me not to tell you. And she was right. You were working against us! What a lucky guess on my part, huh?”
“No, Amy! That’s not how it was.”
“Tell that to the goons the patriarchs sent to break into her apartment.”
He slammed his hands against the bars. “I was trying to help. I was worried about her. Believe me or don’t, I don’t care.”
“No. You don’t,” I hissed, getting even closer. I wrapped my hands around the bars as well and peered at him through them. “I was such a fool. This whole time, I’ve been telling myself that no matter what I thought of you personally, I could trust you to do what was best for the society. I was sure you of all people believed Rose & Grave came first.” I leaned in, until we were practically nose to nose. “You’re so good at making me look like an idiot, James. All along, you were trying to ruin us.”
“That’s not true!”
“No?” I dropped my hands. “Then explain the point of Elysion. Explain the point of stealing from our trust, of bogarting our members, of carrying on your own secret meetings in our tomb until you had compiled enough influence to go it on your own!”
For a moment, he said nothing at all.
I nodded, pursing my lips in an effort not to cry. When I’d regained enough confidence in my self-control, I went on. “You, who knows everything about the society. You know enough of the history to see what a bad idea this was. You know what they once used Elysion for. You know the kind of racism it represented.” I looked into his eyes, which were wide and gray and probably every bit as bloodshot as my own. “How could you start it up again?”
“I didn’t start it,” he said. “I swear. I didn’t know about it at all until the day you kicked me out of the tomb. I just—I missed Rose & Grave so much. It was the best time I ever had. The best friends. And it was gone. So when Nikolos came to me with an invite, yes, I went along with it. It wasn’t Rose & Grave, but I was welcome there.”
“But don’t you see?” I cried. “You’re destroying the society in your bid to cling to it. Grow up! Leave us alone!”
“If you didn’t keep begging for my help, maybe I could!” he shouted back.
“Hey!” George arrived at the gate. “Stop yelling.” He looked from Poe to me, then back again. “Mind stepping aside?”
Poe did, and George swiped his prox card over the sensor. The gate unlocked and Poe put his hand out to pull it open. George stopped him. “No, dude,” he said. “You’re not coming inside.”
“I just want to talk to her.”
“Well, I don’t want to talk to you,” I said.
“You were talking a few seconds ago,” he replied.
George slipped inside and closed the gate behind him. He came up to me, a small frown marring his perfect, gorgeous features. “This is really about me, isn’t it? Come on, Amy, let’s go someplace and discuss this.”
I wasn’t entirely sure it was about him, but I wanted a few words with Prescott here, too.
Poe pounded the gate. “No, Amy, wait!”
I glared at him. “Drop dead, James.” George put his arm around me and began to lead me away.
“For the last time,” Poe said in hushed tones, “it’s Jamie.”
I shrugged George off and looked over my shoulder. “Fine. Drop dead, Jamie.”
I went to George’s room without complaint, but once I was there, I unleashed plenty.
“How could you do this? Why did you lie to me?”
“I didn’t lie.”
“Another one! God, you’re good! How can you ever expect me to listen to you, to trust you, to feel comfortable around you, to…” Okay, I’d already said trust you, right? “…to sleep with you again!”
He looked hurt. “Not sleep with me?”
“George, our whole relationship is predicated on the idea that we, unlike all of those boyfriend/girlfriend idiots, were actually going to be honest with each other. Want to talk about the many, many times you’ve lied to me? How about what you were really doing on your e-mail on Thursday when I came over here? How about where you really were before you found me that night in the tomb? How about what you were doing the time you were supposed to meet me at the film festival? You weren’t writing a paper about Berlin! All this time, I thought you were lying to protect me from sordid stories about other women. It’s crazy; that I could have dealt with. But lying about Rose & Grave? No. The only promises you’ve ever made are about that.”
“You’re taking this way too personally.”
“No, George, I’m not. This isn’t about you and me. This is about you and the rest of the Diggers. I’m pissed at you as a brother. How could you do this behind our backs?”
He plopped down on his futon and took a deep breath. “I don’t know. I was hanging out with Nikolos a lot. He’s a cool guy. We’ve been talking about getting a boat this summer, cruising around the islands.”
And picking up chicks, no doubt. I gave him the “get to the point” signal.
“Next thing I knew, I was down there with the red robes. Nikolos seemed into the idea, and I thought, what the hell, right? Pretty ironic.”
“How so?”
“I didn’t even want to be a Digger, if you remember,” he said. “And here I am, a member of the Super Diggers. Still, I had no idea this would upset people so much.”
“You’re not supposed to keep secrets from us. You’re not supposed to be in another society.”
And yet George just sat there, shrugging the whole thing off. “Honestly, it didn’t even cross my mind that it would be an issue until this morning. When I found out that Jenny knew about us and that’s why everyone was so freaked by her disappearance, it did occur to me that you might be angry.”
“But you didn’t think to let me in on your little secret? Not even when I was going nuts thinking Jenny was in trouble?” I shook my head. “If you didn’t care about Elysion, then why did you bother?”
He shrugged. “It seemed fun. What more reason do I need?”
“For deceiving me? Plenty!” I cried.
He laughed then; the kind of laugh that’s about eight parts snort, one part chuckle, and one part sneer. “I knew this was going to happen,” he said, as if to himself.
“What? That we’d finally figure out this charade you guys were pulling? No kidding.”
“No, I mean I knew you couldn’t handle the parameters of our relationship. No strings, remember? I don’t owe you special treatment.”
“I’m not asking for it,” I said, while inside I seethed. How dare he accuse me of that! You’d think he’d know me well enough after all this time. “Right now, I’m asking for regular old honorable treatment, Digger to Digger. I’m asking you to think for a moment about how you might be hurting people, before you just go along with something for the hell of it.” Asking him to pretend he could care about someone besides himself.
He rolled his eyes and stood. “Come on, Boo,” he said, as a smile began playing around the corners of his beautiful mouth. “Don’t act like you have a good reason for every single thing you do.”
“I don’t,” I admitted. “Sometimes they’re really horrible reasons. But I have to take responsibility for them anyway. That’s part of growing up—putting away childish things.”
He raised his hands in a gesture of acceptance. “That must be my problem, then. I still like to play.” I scowled, which only made his smile widen as he came toward me. “But there’s more to this. Tell me you aren’t just a little bit more upset with me than you are with the others. Stop kidding yourself.”
“You’re right,” I said. “I’m more upset with you. Because we were close, and I trusted you more.”
He spread his arms. “See? It is about you and me.”
Oh, hell no. “You misunderstand, honey. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the fact that I spend more time with you than with Kevin or Nikolos or Omar. We’re friends. I’d be every bit as mad at Josh, or someone else I cared about out in the barbarian world. Do you think I’m in love with you?” I scoffed. “I’m not so shallow as that!” I turned toward the door. “And I’m not so stupid, either.”
His hand hit the door just above my head and slammed it closed. I barely had time to gasp before he grabbed me, whirled me around, and pushed me up against the wall. And then he was kissing me, hard. They weren’t the usual George kisses. All elements that could be considered languid, seductive, or charming had been given their walking papers. These hurt.
I turned my face to the side, but he followed me. “George—” I pushed at his shoulders, and he leaned in, crushing me with his body weight, insinuating his knee between my legs. “George!” I shoved him away.
We stood there, two feet apart, panting and staring at each other. George’s hair was mussed, his glasses slightly askew on his face, his permasmile completely absent. But I recognized his expression. He was turned on. He was turned on because I was fighting with him.
I closed my eyes. Just like his parents. I couldn’t become that.
“I’m leaving,” I said. “And I don’t want to do this anymore.”
His voice was cool and calm. “I think you should stay.”
“No.” I held my arm out, as if warding him off. “This wasn’t foreplay, George. I’m angry at you. I don’t want to be with you when you act like this. We may only be having fun, but we’re not playing games.”
This time, he didn’t stop me when I opened the door and got my ass out of there. I made it all the way out of his suite, all the way down the stairs, all the way across the Prescott College courtyard, up the steps to my entryway, and inside. All I wanted was to get home, go to my room, and go to bed. All I wanted was to cry myself to sleep. All I wanted was to be alone.
I entered my suite, closed the door behind me, then slid down it until I sat on the floor, my knees bent in front of me. I leaned my head back against the wood, and felt the tears building up behind my eyes. I hated men. I hated all men.
I heard the sound of a throat clearing, and opened my eyes.
Josh stood at my whiteboard, uncapped marker in hand. “Is this a bad time?”