Once upon a time, I went to school to be an actor, another borough boy just home from the service. Through this window, you see me on a stage, trading punches with James Caan. Through that window, you see me running out of Capezio empty- handed, the vision of me in tights hot in my mind. I thought my career in front of the cameras had come to an end before it started, but I would eventually appear in several movies, acting work becoming a subgenre in my career. I have played myself in various films, some of my own (Vegas Vacation, Ocean's Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen), some made by friends (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Full Frontal). I learned to act only when I learned how to be myself, which is, of course, another kind of character. In short, I learned how to act-and I am not saying I'm a good actor, only that I'm comfortable in front of a camera-after I learned how to stop acting. When Martha Graham told me to walk across the floor, I was aware that I was a kid acting like he was crossing the floor. Now that I am an old man, I can simply cross the goddamn floor without thinking too much about it.
I appeared in my first film in 1991, at the insistence of Sydney Pollack, an old friend, who was directing The Firm, a legal thriller based on a novel by John Grisham. (Sydney was one of the great directors, the maker of, among others, Out of Africa, Tootsie, The Electric Horseman, and Absence of Malice.) He wanted me to play Sonny Capps, a mobbed up client of the firm who, in a key scene, spars with Tom Cruise and Gene Hackman. The part seemed like a perfect fit for Sydney himself, who had done terrific turns in several films, including Tootsie and Eyes Wide Shut.
I said, "Look, Sydney, you do it. You'd be great."
"You'd be greater," he said. "Jerry, you are Sonny Capps."
"Why don't you be me being Sonny Capps," I said. "You'd be better at me being Sonny that I'd be myself. You were my teacher at the Neighborhood School. You know I'm not an actor."
Sydney laughed. He was a great friend-he died two years ago, and not a day goes by when I do not think about him. He had one of the great infectious laughs. It started in his chest and rose through his body, filling his lungs and eyes, warming everyone around him. He said, "No, Jerry, this part is written for you."
I said, "No."
He said, "Yes."
After much discussion, I finally agreed to do it. He could be persistent.
The scene was being shot in the Caribbean. I started worrying about my performance on the flight down. I mean, what the hell do I know about acting? What's worse, I was to play the scene with Gene Hackman and Tom Cruise, two of the biggest stars in the world. How was I going to do this? I was tight. I was scared. Self-confidence and pride, those were the only things getting me through.
I went to the set in a new suit, with my hair done up and makeup on. Sydney looked over. "All right," he said. "You look good. Are you ready?"
"Hell yes, I'm ready."
He sat me in front of the cameras with Cruise and Hackman. It was a change, going in front of the cameras. It was unnerving. I felt like a soldier caught in the sights of his own army's guns. You get fame and notoriety in front of the camera, but lose everything else.
In my scene, which comes halfway through the film, I grow increasingly irritated as Hackman and Cruise, lawyers at the firm, try to sell me on a course of action. I finally snap at Cruise, who, in his response, demonstrates his mettle. We rehearsed it, then filmed it, then filmed it again and again and again. Sydney was a perfectionist. He did not want to quit until he got it just right. Sitting there, I could not help but think like a producer: How much footage have we gone through, how much money have we burned up? It was endless, and I was frustrated. These shots, one after another, all seemingly the same-it was like repeating the same word over and over. The whole thing turned into gibberish.
We finally stopped for lunch. I asked Sydney, "Well, how's it going?"
"We got a little more to do," he said.
"We can't," I told him. "I'm exhausted."
He said, "Look, Jerry, you are not a producer here. You're an actor. We go till we get it right."
I sat back down. I was tired, spent, at the end of me. Then, finally, after the who-knows-what take, Tom Cruise turned to me and said, "You know, you've got some nerve!"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me," he said, "you've got some nerve coming onto a set with real actors, using up our energy and wasting our time."
I turned and looked at him, goddamn piece of garbage, talking to me this way. I flushed red. I could actually feel the blood running into my face. "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" I said. "Do you know what you're doing?"
Just then, Sydney yelled, "Cut-we got it."
I was sitting there dazed, at a loss.
Cruise started laughing. He grabbed my arm and said, "No, no, Jerry. It's not real. Sydney told me to do it for the scene. For the scene."
I looked around, then I started laughing, too. I said, " Sydney, my God, you bum!"
"It was just what I wanted," said Sydney. "Jerry being Jerry."