My arms opened themselves to him as he slipped into the closet, my body receiving him without hesitation. He didn't speak. Neither did I. There was no need. The moment he stepped into the darkness, the world of Mao was behind us. The blossom of the spring fell into my arms as he devoured me. I couldn't get enough of him. His hair smelled of the East China Sea, and I recalled him telling me once that he worked at a seaweed plantation on weekends. He caressed me. My insides cried out in joy. We held each other and I felt him swelling. Time ceased.
I no longer realized where I was.
We lay in silence. Returning to reality was a shock. As he stepped out of the closet I was terrified to think of what would happen next.
There was no movement. Wild Ginger was still sound asleep.
Evergreen left the house while I still lay in the closet. I heard the door shut. It was two o'clock in the morning. The sound of the clock striking the hour was unusually loud to my ears. I crawled out of the closet. I was concerned that we might have left evidence. But there was none. I felt strange. If my mind couldn't yet grasp what had happened, my body had never felt better.
I left Wild Ginger's house at three o'clock. Walking through the lanes I took a deep breath of fresh air. The night seemed, for the first time, beautiful.
I went home and embraced my pillow. My mind lingered on the strange thought that I was no longer a virgin while Wild Ginger was. I felt bound by guilt yet liberated at the same time. All my frustration had vanished. I wondered what Wild Ginger would do if she could experience this same feeling. Suddenly the idea of devoting one's entire life to Mao was not only dull but ridiculous.
I had a dream in which Wild Ginger visited me. "I was collecting candy wrappers in the streets," she told me. "I came home with my handbag filled with dirty wrappers. I soaked them and washed them carefully with soapy water. I pasted them one by one onto the tiles in the bathroom. The whole wall was covered. The beauty was extraordinary. I sat and looked at it for hours on end. The flowers, leaves, animals, and rocks. A wall of spring. When the wrappers dried, I peeled them off and inserted them between the pages of my books. They saved me from the boredom of the Mao studies."
I wasn't eager to go to school, because I was afraid of seeing Wild Ginger. The whole morning I lay in bed and pretended to be sick. Then Wild Ginger came. It was afternoon. She seemed to be in good spirits and was in her regular army uniform. She brought my mother a string of garlic and strode directly to my bed.
I sat up, like a criminal being confronted by a policeman.
"Are you all right?" She looked concerned and reached out her hand to feel my forehead. "No fever. What's wrong?"
I realized that she didn't know what had happened last night. I pushed her hand away. "I am just a little tired."
"Is it because I made you stay in the closet for too long?"
"Of course not." I hopped out of the bed. "That wasn't a problem. Not at all."
"I am sorry I fell asleep last night. Evergreen left. He just left and hasn't come back. I am sure he's upset. But he doesn't have to worry about it, I'll make it up to him. He loves to be with me. I could be reading anything and he wouldn't care." She smiled.
I found myself suddenly annoyed by her smile. I remained silent and began to put on my shoes.
"What did you do after he left?"
"Me?" I kicked off my shoes and then put them back on again. "What do you mean? Would you… like to have a cup of water?"
"No thanks. I suppose you didn't take off with him, did you?"
"No, of course not. You told me that you didn't want him to know that I was there, didn't you?"
"No."
"Is it cold outside?" I tried to hide my nervousness.
"What did you do, then?" She raised her chin and looked into my eyes.
"I…"
She began to laugh. "It's all right to tell the truth."
"Truth? What truth?"
"I mean, it's all right to say that you fell asleep too and that you did nothing else."
"I did fall asleep. Of course."
What had happened seemed unreal to me. It had been a week and the three of us had lost contact. It was as if we were waiting for something. I wasn't clear about my feelings. I couldn't stop replaying what had taken place in the closet. I began to feel that I could never be the same way with Wild Ginger. I wouldn't admit that I had betrayed her. Yet I couldn't say that I didn't betray her. I had enjoyed Evergreen shamelessly. I felt lucky for what had happened. Evergreen and I had offered each other something we craved-human affection. I was too desperate and too selfish to reject him. I had always envied Evergreen and Wild Ginger. I had always wanted to be in Wild Ginger's place. It was long before Evergreen came to me. I encouraged him by not reporting to Wild Ginger the moment he and I discovered each other. My excuse was that she never wanted Evergreen physically. If they had been lovers, I would never have allowed myself to interfere.
On the tenth day, I received a letter from Evergreen. He asked if I could meet him that evening in his friend's apartment on Big Dipper Road. My excitement was beyond belief. I went at the appointed time, eight-thirty, to the apartment building, which faced the street. The place was on the second floor over a basket shop. The staircase was filthy and dusty. It was crowded with baskets. The wooden stairs squeaked under my feet. I stood in front of a narrow door. I knocked. A skinny middle-aged man opened the door. He let me in without a word and he left as I entered. I heard him locking the door.
"Hello." Evergreen's voice greeted me in the dark.
"I need to see."
"I'm lighting a candle."
"Is it safe?"
"Mr. Xing is the bellman of the neighborhood. Nobody bothers him." The candle was dim like a ghost's eye.
"How did you bribe him?"
"He needs food coupons. His family is dying of hunger in the countryside."
I took a deep breath as he began to kiss me.
"No guilt?" he asked. "I was afraid that you might regret what happened."
I told him that I wasn't thinking. I couldn't. I was out and beyond myself.
"Same here," he said, blowing out the candle.
The room was now completely dark.
Downstairs came the noise of basket makers. They were talking in a strange dialect, yelling and laughing at the same time.
Evergreen came to me in silence. It felt as if we had been lovers for years-our bodies knew exactly how to please each other.
"Let's be the reactionaries, let's burn down the house of Mao," he whispered.
We repeated the pleasure again and again.
Downstairs grew quiet. The midnight shift workers had gone. I was beginning to feel tired. But Evergreen wouldn't quit.
He sat next to me by the candle and watched me eat the snack he'd brought.
"Why don't you have more buns?" I asked.
"Sure." He leaned over and said, "Take off your shirt."
"No. Why?"
"I hunger only for you."
I began to laugh. "Go chew Mao quotations! Fill your stomach with them. Come on! Chairman Mao teaches us…"
"'A thousand years is too long, seize the moment.'" He grabbed me. "Chairman Mao also teaches us, 'A revolution is an insurrection, an act of violence by which one class overthrows another.'"
"Chairman Mao again teaches us"-I put down the buns and wrestled with him-"'The situation must change. It is the task of the people of the whole world to put an end to the aggression and oppression perpetrated by imperialism."'
He went wild. '"If the U.S. monopoly capitalist groups persist in pushing their policies of aggression and war, the day is bound to come when they will be hanged by the people of the whole world.'"
I could feel my body blooming. I was unable to continue the reciting.
"Don't you stop, Maple! Show your faith in Chairman Mao! Demonstrate your loyalty! Page one hundred fifty-six. 'Speech at the Moscow Meeting of Communist and Workers' Parties.' Come on, now!"
'"It is my opinion,'" I began, '"that the international situation has now reached a new turning point.'" I stopped, my thoughts suddenly scattered-the pleasure was too overwhelming.
"Go on, Maple, go on. 'There are two winds in the world today'"-he caressed me, his hands cupping my breasts from behind-'"the East Wind and the West Wind. There is a Chinese saying, Either the East Wind prevails over the West Wind or the West Wind prevails over the East Wind."'
We were breathless. He insisted we continue reciting. I tasted his sweat as I went on. '"It is characteristic of the situation today that the East Wind is prevailing over the West Wind. That is to say, the forces of socialism have become overwhelmingly superior to the forces of imperialism…"'
Our bodies came together again.
The mind's scene was splendid.
"Say yes, Maple, say yes! Say you want me too, say it! I need to hear you say it!"
My tears streamed.
"Yes! Do that again, Maple, yes!"
"Chairman Mao teaches us…"
"No."
"Come on, Evergreen!"
"'People… people of the world, unite and defeat the U.S. aggressors and all their running dogs! People of the world, be courageous, dare to fight, defy difficulties, and advance wave upon waves.'"
'"Then the whole world will belong to the people. Monsters of all kinds shall be destroyed!'"
'"Keep pushing the cart,' Maple!"
'"Keep pushing the cart until… until we reach the Communist heaven!'"
"Oh Maple, the blind man is picking peaches."
"And the blind woman has caught a fat fish-this is a miracle."
"Do the quotations!"
"You armchair revolutionary!"
He groaned, "Oh! Chairman Mao!"
The night didn't end until we collapsed in each other's arms. I meant to talk about what to do with Wild Ginger but didn't get a chance. To be honest, I was avoiding the discussion. The problem had grown too big to be fixed. In the meantime Evergreen and I were testing each other. Before I could do anything regarding Wild Ginger I needed to know my feelings as well as Evergreen's. Nevertheless I feared that I had no control of the situation. Wild Ginger could break in any moment. I had, in fact, been waiting for it to happen. She always had a foreboding before her fate took shape. I could smell the scorched words in her mouth.
I continued to avoid Wild Ginger. Luckily all her time was being taken up with a big campaign to promote Mao's latest teachings. There was an accident-an "accident" in Wild Ginger's eyes, but not in mine. It chilled my enthusiasm completely for the Maoists. A high school student, a piano player, had criticized the Red Guards for destroying his piano. A fight broke out and the Red Guards placed the pianist's hand in a doorjamb and slammed the door shut.
Wild Ginger rushed to the spot. "The man could have played Mao quotation songs! I know him. His name is Guo-Dong the Grand Beam. He is a good comrade. We had talked about having him play the solo for the Shanghai Mao Propaganda Band. He was my responsibility! And now you have ruined my plan!" She ordered the door slammer to be immediately arrested and sentenced to life in prison.
To all of us the sentence was too harsh. Wild Ginger had been acting strangely recently. Her voice was distant and her expression remote. Her eyes looked weary although still penetrating. Something seemed to be seriously bothering her and she was constantly angry.
I ran toward home as if someone were chasing me. It was my own thoughts. Evergreen and I hadn't met for a month. Had he gone back to Wild Ginger? Or had she caught him and made him confess? I had a feeling that the confrontation between me and Wild Ginger was about to take place.
The neighborhood was quiet that noon. The midsummer heat was stifling. Fat locusts infested the trees and made high-pitched noises. I slowed as I neared the lane. I noticed a shadow under the sun. It was Evergreen.
"Wild Ginger and I are finished," he began.
I felt bad and relieved at the same time.
"Last night I made up my mind. I went to her house." Evergreen's voice was strained. "She… actually knew. The moment I mentioned your name she came and slapped me in the face. She told me that she didn't want to know the details. She didn't cry or anything. She… led me to her bed."
My hair began to prickle at its roots.
"She stripped herself and said that she would give me what I wanted. Even if it meant that she would have to lie to keep her position."
I squatted down by the roots of a tree and waited for him to continue.
"I could hardly think at that moment." He knelt down next to me and lowered his voice as much as he could. "I… tried to hold on to my clothes when she tried to strip me. She was… I don't know how to describe it. I couldn't tell if she was herself. Anyway, she wouldn't let me go… She insisted on us going to bed. I told her that I couldn't do it. I… I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I said that it was not worth it. She should have her first time with someone who would appreciate it. Then she cried."
My tears welled up.
"She said that she had put her shame in my hands and that I was… obligated to pity her and show mercy if I had a conscience… It was… awful. She slapped her own face when I refused to touch her. She began to hit her head against the wall, said that she was sorry to Chairman Mao, said that she was going to whip the beast out of her body. The sound of her banging her head on the wall devastated me. I begged her to stop and… I said I would try to take her.
"It felt like making love to the dead. She was underneath me, her eyes were shut, her legs apart, her jaws locked tightly, as if she were going through torture… But she wouldn't let me go. She cried, 'You must finish me!' In the meantime she wouldn't stop talking and reciting Mao quotations. She yelled at me, 'Prove that you are not a coward, admit that you are evil seduced. Show your shame, take out your sun instrument and look at it, spit on it…' Oh, these terrible words! I can't get them out of my ears! I thought I was mad to hear that. I am sorry, Maple, I shouldn't put you through this…"
"Go on, please. I need to know."
"She said it was her turn. She must toss herself in the pit of shame. She must see for herself how grotesque coupling was. She pulled over a mirror and demanded that I look at myself while taking her. The ugly members of our bodies. She said, 'Don't you think they are the most disgusting organs? One is like a worm and the other like a bee's nest! One should be cut and the other scorched!' She made me hate my body. I really did at that moment. I could have thrown up. She said it was the right feeling. The disgust. Keep looking. I can still see her shouting in front of my eyes. 'What are these? Animals! Animals!'
"I was completely impotent… I begged her to quit, but she said that we must fix the problem. It was only sex that blocked my eyes to see my own potential as a great Maoist. She said I could be fixed if I let her help. She said, 'You must get erect. I must go through this in order to get it out of your system. We must do this so there will be no myth between our bodies.' I tried to explain but she refused to listen. She pushed herself onto me, all over, and my body started to betray me and then… suddenly"-Evergreen paused to catch his breath, his shoulders trembled, and his face turned paper white-"I saw blood."