The night before the transplant, Martin couldn’t sleep. There was a weight pressing down on his chest, and when he closed his eyes it only grew heavier.
He looked across the guest room at Javeed’s sleeping form. The electronic picture frame sitting on the bedside table glowed softly, still showing photos from the Australian trip. Javeed had grown attached to these images of his parents’ exotic past.
Living with Javeed in Omar’s house felt like a taste of the future, a preview of life after death. The last time they’d been guests here had been straight after the accident, but this was different: Javeed was almost settled now. Everyone accepted him as part of the family, and he slotted in unselfconsciously with no awkwardness or shyness. If anything, Martin worried that he might come across as too sure of his place, but no one seemed to mind, and that was better than him spending the next ten years feeling constantly beholden to his hosts, mortified by every fingermark he left on the walls. Rana had no interest in pretending to be his mother, but she treated him exactly like one of her nephews. Martin had no doubt that she would have preferred an easier intermission between raising Farshid and the arrival of grandchildren, but she would take her promise to Mahnoosh very seriously, and she would never let Javeed feel unwelcome or unloved.
For six days, Martin had been waiting for an opportunity to talk to Omar, but there was always someone else around. Worse, he still didn’t know what he’d say. Sometimes his worries turned to white-hot panic, as if Omar might be scheming to induct his son into a cult of murderous Aryan supremacists, an Iranian Ku Klux Klan. Sometimes the whole thing shrank into insignificance, as if it were just a neurotic tic, a laughable fastidiousness over language.
Lying in the dark, watching the photos cycling beside Javeed’s bed, Martin wasn’t even sure how much of his fear was about his son’s future and how much was about his own death. He had seen his parents die, peacefully, and the world had not come to an end. He had witnessed the violent deaths of dozens of strangers, and the world had not come to an end. The only thing that could be done for the dead was to protect and care for the survivors. But would he have been so blind, for so long, to the impossible trade-offs that the Proxy had entailed if he’d been thinking only of Javeed? He had not merely wanted Javeed riding through Zendegi with a trusted companion to watch his back and offer good advice; he had wanted to be that companion. Even with his thoughts dissolving into fog each time they parted, it would have been a kind of survival.
Martin heard someone walking through the house; he recognised Omar’s throat-clearing cough. He climbed out of bed and opened the door; he could see light spilling into the living room from the bathroom. He walked to the kitchen in the dark, filled a glass with water and stood drinking.
The toilet flushed and Omar emerged, sending a shaft of light through the adjoining rooms. Martin didn’t turn but the light stayed on and he heard Omar’s footsteps approaching.
‘Martin jan, are you all right?’ Omar whispered.
‘Yeah.’
‘Do you need anything?’
Martin shook his head. ‘I can’t sleep, that’s all.’
Omar hesitated, perhaps wondering if he should press his guest to be more forthcoming. Then he said, ‘Wait.’
He walked back to the bathroom and turned out the light, then he switched on a small lamp in the living room. He approached Martin again. ‘Come and sit here. We can talk for a while.’
Omar ushered Martin into Mohsen’s armchair, then sat on the couch beside it. He was wearing an Iranian national football team jersey and tracksuit pants. Behind him on the wall was a painting of Imam Ali; a yellow light shone through the clouds around the Imam’s green turban while chains of flowers and ornate calligraphy filled the bottom of the frame in the foreground.
‘You’re worried about the operation?’ Omar asked.
‘Just a bit.’
Omar tssked. ‘Everyone is praying for you. It will be all right.’
‘The surgeon’s good, but the patient’s not so great.’
Omar reached over and squeezed Martin’s forearm. ‘Come on, don’t talk like that.’
Martin said, ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Sure.’
‘I don’t want to bring back bad memories…’
Omar frowned, but he was puzzled, not warning him off. ‘It’s okay, you can talk about anything.’
‘When you were in Evin,’ Martin began, pausing to look for some sign that he was overstepping the mark, ‘why didn’t you tell them about me?’
Omar looked confused; he rubbed one eye with the heel of his hand. ‘Tell who what?’
‘When you were being questioned,’ Martin persisted, ‘why didn’t you give VEVAK my name? Nothing too bad would have happened to me; I would have just been deported in the end. It might have made it easier for you, if you’d given them something.’
Omar stared at him blankly for a second. Then he laughed softly, mindful of the house full of sleeping people. ‘You mean, about the hospital? Why didn’t I tell them that the only way I got that faggot out of the hospital was because some crazy foreign journalist gave me his clothes?’ He looked down, shaking his head with mirth. ‘Do you think they would have believed that? They would have been sure that I was lying, and they would have beaten me even harder.’ He leant back on the couch, one hand over his mouth, trying to control himself. ‘It’s lucky they didn’t arrest you. If you’d tried to tell them the truth about standing in the cupboard in ladies’ clothes, they would have beaten you black and blue.’
Martin grinned back at him as if he shared the joke. The truth was, he felt a mixture of relief and humiliation. He was glad that Omar hadn’t actually suffered needlessly to protect him, but he felt like a fool for holding the wrong idea for so long.
Omar seemed to sense his discomfort; he became serious. ‘I’m not laughing at you, Martin; you did a good thing. But don’t blame yourself for anything that happened to me in Evin.’
Martin said, ‘Okay.’
‘I wish I had a photo, though,’ Omar said. ‘When I sent my friend to give you the clothes, I should have told him to take a picture first.’
They sat talking for almost an hour. Martin kept waiting for the meandering current of the conversation to take him to the right place, but Omar’s eyelids were starting to droop. Martin felt the tightness in his chest growing; if he missed this chance he might never have another one.
He said, ‘Javeed’s got a new friend at school, an Afghani boy. You don’t mind if he invites him over to the house?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Are you sure?’ Martin pressed him. ‘It’s just that I’ve heard you say some things about Afghanis-’
Omar stiffened. ‘My problem is with the criminals. Any friend of Javeed is welcome here.’
Martin said, ‘So how do you know which Afghanis are criminals?’
Omar regarded him with an expression of mild irritation. ‘They’re the ones who are stealing things and murdering people.’
‘So thieves and murderers are the problem, not Afghanis?’
‘They’re wild people,’ Omar insisted. ‘And this isn’t their country. So what do you expect?’
Martin said, ‘Is Iran my country?’
Omar recoiled. ‘You’re an honoured guest! You didn’t abuse our hospitality.’
‘Nor did Javeed’s friend, or the boy’s family.’
‘And I told you: Javeed’s friend is welcome in my house, as often as he likes.’ Omar glared at him, wounded.
Martin said, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.’
Omar’s expression softened. ‘It’s nothing. We’re both tired, and you’re worried about tomorrow. You should get some sleep.’
‘Yeah.’
Back in the guest room, Martin lay cursing himself, running through the conversation in his head, trying to imagine how he could have put things more tactfully. But he’d lost his chance; there was nothing he could say now. If he raised the subject with Omar again it would already be too tainted with a sense of grievance.
Javeed had permission to take a day off school. Martin woke him at five o’clock, an hour before they needed to leave.
‘Why are you cooking breakfast?’ Javeed asked sleepily.
‘You don’t like pancakes?’ Martin spread his arms around the stove possessively. ‘I can eat them all if you don’t want any.’
‘No!’
Omar joined them. He kept Javeed distracted, swiping food and messing around with condiments so Javeed didn’t notice that Martin wasn’t actually eating anything.
The rest of the family rose just before six. Martin still felt like an interloper around Mohsen and Nahid, but they both offered a few gruff words of encouragement. Rana shook his hand, Farshid embraced him briefly, everyone mindful of not making a big scene in front of Javeed.
Omar drove them to the hospital. Martin sat in the back beside Javeed. ‘I spy with my little eye something beginning with L,’ Javeed declared.
‘In English, or in Farsi?’ Martin asked.
Javeed sighed. ‘I said L, not
lam.’
‘Lamppost?’
‘No.’
‘Light pole.’
‘No.’
Martin stared out into the traffic. ‘I give up.’
‘Liver.’ Javeed cackled at his own ingenuity.
‘That’s cheating,’ Martin said. ‘You can’t see it.’
Javeed held his hands up to his face in the shape of binoculars. ‘I can already see it in the jar at the hospital. My eyes are better than yours.’
It took half an hour to get admitted; Javeed sat on a chair in reception and dozed. In the ward, Omar and Javeed waited outside while Martin changed into a paper gown. In the shower the night before, he had used the depilatory gel the hospital had given him; below the neck his body was completely hairless.
Someone knocked. Martin climbed beneath the sheet.
‘Come in.’
It was Omar, alone. Martin said, ‘Where’s Javeed?’
‘The nurse is watching him for a minute.’
‘Okay.’ Martin waited.
Omar approached the bed; he looked nervous. ‘I don’t have time to say everything properly. I just want to tell you… I know he’s your son. I know you want him to have your ideas, not mine. I won’t forget that, Martin jan. Whenever I talk to him, you’ll be looking over my shoulder.’
Martin searched his face, but there was no trace of resentment. ‘And that won’t drive you crazy?’
‘Maybe a little bit,’ Omar conceded. ‘But that can’t be helped. I want everything right between us.’
‘It is,’ Martin said.
Omar reached down and squeezed his arm. ‘Okay, you should talk to him now.’
Omar brought Javeed in and sat him beside the bed, then he left the room.
Javeed yawned. ‘You have to get better now, Baba,’ he said.
‘Okay, I’ll try hard,’ Martin promised.
‘Then we’ll go up in the balloon together?’
‘Absolutely.’ Martin hesitated. ‘Can I tell you something, though?’
Javeed nodded.
‘I’m going to try as hard as I can, but if I can’t get better, you mustn’t be angry with me. You have to believe that I was really trying.’
Javeed looked down, confused and dejected.
‘Pesaram? Do you believe me?’ Martin raised himself up and put an arm around his son. ‘Listen to me. I love you more than anything else; all I want to do is stay with you. But don’t be angry if I can’t do that.’
Javeed shuddered as if he was about to cry, but then he whispered in Martin’s ear, ‘If you can’t stay, the Simorgh will look after me.’ It was not a reproach; it was meant to comfort him.
‘Okay.’ Martin understood that he had caught only the faintest glimpse of the world Javeed was building in his head; Zendegi had offered no more than a crude imitation. But between the version of himself hovering around Omar like a nagging insect and whatever form he took in Javeed’s private mythology, he would not be erased completely.
Martin held Javeed until the anaesthetist came in, wheeling a small steel trolley.
He said, ‘Do you want to stay and watch me go to sleep, azizam?’ That was Mahnoosh’s name for him, but Javeed didn’t object; Martin had the right to speak for her when she could no longer speak for herself.
Javeed said, ‘I’ll stay.’
The anaesthetist inserted the line. ‘This lady’s just going to make me sleepy for the operation,’ Martin explained. ‘It doesn’t hurt at all.’
Javeed nodded solemnly, staring at the drip bags and monitors, distracted for a moment by the mechanics of the process.
The anaesthetist said, ‘Count backwards from a hundred.’
Martin kept his eyes on Javeed, smiling. Nothing mattered now except drawing all the bitterness out of this moment, leaving behind something that his son could carry lightly for the rest of his life.
He said, ‘One hundred elephants, all from Zavolestan.’