Step, step, step.
His feet were carrying him forward - there where he has once spent ten years of his life - ten long years … Here he came out of a next street’s turn and stopped - sighted joyfully and with a relief.
Yes, he has come at the long last - after ten years of separation he returned back to his native school, to people who have given him so much - helped make the first steps, supporting and encouraging him …
So, he has come, returned to his memoirs in reality. Only after ten years of separation life has finally granted him this chance. After all, he was just a little child when he once crossed this threshold - small helpless one, needing protection and aid of others … now he could defend others himself. Approached a school building - and almost instantly was plunged into a joyful and carefree atmosphere of childhood - the time which he spent in a work, and not entertainments. Entertainments … he smiled. A pure waste of time - burning the precious gift of life, a substitute for idlers. And he wasn’t such a one - like a lot of other men he knew. He distinctly remembered for now how he has spent this time working … nay, not in that silly cramming, but clever study instead - and learned to find a joy in that.
And others … other men did other choices - theirs. Someone - one close to his, someone completely different. Big and small, important and not quite so. Nay, important ones - there are no things insignificant. They built their own life - everyone his own way - as they desired, as considered it necessary, as it was convenient for them. In a word, everyone was walking his own path - they had the right.
Someone drank beer and smoked cigarettes. Somebody endless played football, spending his time for all day long on a stamped asphalt of a stadium. Some crammed thick correct textbooks. Shortly, everyone was going his own way he has chosen.
A step, and another one, and lots of more steps - rising on old ladders of an old building. First, second, third floor … stop.
He will first meet his former class teacher, and then the rest of them. A knock at the door - and a painfully familiar, yet considerably grown old woman’s face. A warm smile on his face - and the woman answers him with the same. She recognizes him and welcomes, obviously glad to meet him - and so does he.
A conversation starts - a long talk which, it appeared, will last for an eternity. He was talking about those ten years of his new life, as well as of old school one, - the way he understood and felt it for now. That conversation lasted and lasted - he was speaking, and she was carefully and attentively listening to. And a vice versa a short time after.
It became late then - and they have said goodbye. He promised to come back to school from time to time. He indeed returned the upcoming day to meet with other teachers. That was the smallest deed possible for him to thank them for what they have once done - to remember them … and sometimes, at least sometimes to visit again.
And the time to leave came once. To return back to his institute in a different city. A last farewell waving of hand - and in a way. In a way.
* * *
Knocking of iron wheels. Measured rocking of train’s apartment. A whistle of wind through a slightly opened window. Sleepy passengers. Somebody’s fluffy cat, making his impressive strolling through a salon.
- Barsik, - he called. - Come here.
But the cat only slowly raised a tail, turned his body and started moving in the opposite direction. A funny being.
Now he was returning to the town when he has graduated from the institute and has been working. A next stop … a methodical voice of the driver … entering and leaving passengers. A face - this familiar face … one of his school friend. The man was wandering directly towards him- with some sort of unseeing and roving glance he was scouting the surroundings … a tired face of emaciated man. Here’s the man sat down nearby and hasn’t recognized him at all - yet they have studied together for such a while! Studied at one school …
- Ivan, - he called. - Ivan, hi. Didn’t you recognized me ? No ? I’m Pavel. We have studied in one class! Have you truly forgotten?
- Pavel … Oh, yes … hi. Hi, - repeated Ivan and looked away to face the window.
Heart of his missed a bit and compressed painfully. What’s that, what has happened?! Not like that, in a totally different way did he image the meeting of friends! Has something dreadful befallen? He has to find out!
- Ivan, are you not glad to see me? What’s that with you, Ivan? You don’t look like yourself. Where has this cheerful and sociable guy whom you once were gone? I know, I am assured that you are still that one, just a bit depressed, right? You are simply tired after all, yes? Come on, tell me a bit about yourself - or let me tell you about myself. Let’s remember the past and our old good days. Aye? Ivan, Ivan, wake up!
And he has shaken him by shoulders.
Stop … no need to … shaking. Sss…stop …, - hardly moving a tongue he murmured in reply. - I recognized … y … you. Leave … leave me be … with my … p … p … pain. Don’t in … inte … interfere, I b … beg you.
- But what, what has happened?! Ivan, you know - I have never abandoned you in trouble, never - and never did you, we have always aided one another, each and every time! You couldn’t forget that all, couldn’t … I would not believe that! Do you hear me - I dare not believe that you have forgotten!
- The w … wi … wife abandoned me. And work … was … fired - Ivan’s words finally reached Pavel’s ears.
He sighted. And when people finally learn to concern life’s circumstances easier and not to give up before them? After all the life simply opens a new blank page, where the writings of their life is to be imprinted - a next stage of life. Why’s bitter about that? One must be able to say goodbye with no insults and part ways - easily. It’s necessary to be able to learn vital lessons and overcome barriers - no growth and evolution is ever meant possible without it.
He overlooked his friend over again. All right, looks like the time has come to use heavy offensive means.
- Divorced with a wife? Have been discharged from the office? What sort of nonsense is that?! And you have become limp? Like a wet mitten?! But you will no doubt find a better job! And talking of the wife - she’s not your property, right? She has made her choice - accept it, accept no matter how cruel in relation to you it could look. It’s not rigid - it’s you perceive it as such for you have become too attached to her and started to consider her as own property. She’s a free person and has made her choice - the one she deemed necessary. With her good luck!
He wasn’t completely assured that his speech will be apprehended and comprehended at once. He had a different main goal for now - to stir up a friend. And thus he continued speaking - parried ridiculous and eccentrical attacks, inspired him, convinced that everything is in his powers. He thirsted to help his friend … wanted that he finally learned to help himself and had no more need for aid from the outside.
They were talking - and his friend was crying. He started to cry when they began talking of his life and analyze it. He cried of former dreams and hopes which have not come true. Cried of a pure and crystal love which he desired to find - and which he couldn’t … for he did search outside, while it was necessary to seek in own heart.
He was talking of how he has come under the influence of former friends who couldn’t be considered as such - how he started drinking. How he didn’t has enough willpower and stopped short, has given in and started falling into the abyss. How the wife, no more reconciled with constant binges of her husband has thrown him aside and left for another man … departed without even trying to help. How with his own hands did he tore and crumbled dreams of family happiness, of mutual love - and how began to go to bars and night clubs. How he possessed a new woman each new day - a woman for a day … something pleasant to lie in bed with … not a person for him. How he tried to interrupt his life and start another one, but always couldn’t find enough power inside, for he has ceased to believe in him different - and has already given himself up as a bad job.
He was speaking, and his friend was listening to. They took lessons which Ivan should have taken a long time ago. Were talking about a choice he has made - a wrong … not the best one - and of a choice of different nature. A choice of life instead of death, a choice of happiness yet not sadness - a choice of joy in place of grief.
For a long time they have been sitting together - and under a stream of warm, powerful and convincing words his friend finally calmed down. Believed in himself - and an unshakable conviction to change his life by all means reflected itself upon his face. He’s a strong one. He’s capable. He will do that. Most certainly will.
Warm words of gratitude … happy smiles. A farewell.
- Farewell, Ivan!
- See you, Pavel!
Knocking of wheels. Measured rocking of the train. A cat, gracefully moving through a salon. He was approaching his city. He greatly hoped that he has managed to aid his friend … so greatly hoped.
They were approaching a city. Life was opening a new blank page in the book with his own writings.
17.08.2011
Brand – it’s when you pay for what you have never had and what you will never had, for what you desire to have, even though you are not the slightest idea of how it looks like.
* * *
Life – is a special kind of game. Everything you have won in it once you once have to lose. Everything that you cannot win, remains with you forever.
* * *
Hope – is a defeat of Love before Belief.
Love – is a victory of Hope over Belief.
* * *
Happiness – is when we are being understood and are relieved from necessity to understand others.
Unhappiness – is when we do not understand that we cannot be understood.
* * *
Mind – is an ability think up a way reducing time of calculation of quantity of stars in the sky and drops in the sea in tens of times.
Reason – is an ability to understand that such calculation is not required at all.
* * *
Irritation – is when you have no desire to harm yourself and another, but can do it.
Anger – is when you have desire to harm yourself and another, and can do it.
Fury – is when you no longer want to harm yourself and another, but cannot stop anymore.
Hatred – is when you are not capable to understand that you can not harm yourself and another.
* * *
Joy – is when all around seems extraordinary.
Grief – is when only joy seems extraordinary.
* * *
Light – is when it seems that the darkness is no more.
Darkness – is when is seems that Light has never been.
* * *
Happiness – is when you want, but cannot.
Unhappiness – is when you can, but no longer want.
* * *
Childhood – is when it seems that all are for you.
Youth – is when it seems that you are for all.
Maturity – is when it seems that each one is for each one.
Old age – is when you understand that each one is primary for himself.
* * *
Hope – is when you want to believe that it will be so.
Faith – is when you want to hope, that it will be so.
Love – is when you know, that it cannot be any other way.
* * *
Life – is when it seems that death will never come to you.
Death – is when you hardly have time to realize that were mistaken for entire life.
* * *
Fool – the one who knows that life is meaningless.
Wise man – the one, who can find his secret meaning in this meaningless.
* * *
Paradise – is when is seems to you that your most sacred dreams start to come true.
Hell – is when they have come true.
* * *
Paradise – is what was before us.
Hell – is what we have done.
* * *
Clever things – everything that is difficult
Trifling things – everything, that is simple
Ingenious things – everything, that is clever and trifling
Silly things – everything that is trifling and not clever
Reasonable things – everything that is trifling and ingenious
* * *
Wisdom is a power function, where life experience serves as its basis, and your reason serves as its exponent.
* * *
Beauty – is what demands sacrifices.
Ugliness – is the result of made sacrifices.
* * *
Art – a socially acceptable way of individual’s self-expression.
* * *
Reflection – infinite process of generation of nothing from nothing.
* * *
Self-perfection – endless, periodically interrupted and renewed process, similar to the attempt to measure depth of the river to be crossed, while standing on the land.
* * *
Irony – is when you would like to mock at something, but due to certain reasons you cannot do it fully.
* * *
Friendship – is an attempt to find in other something that you cannot find in yourself.
* * *
Books – transcendental objects. Similar in appearance, they possess absolutely different essence. Once having known any of them, you still cannot tell for sure what character will is possess after a while.
* * *
Treachery – is a process of divergence of individual’s actions with our expectations, concerning these actions.
* * *
Optimist – a person, whose believes that everything that happens is for the best.
Pessimist – a person, who, seeing everything that happens, have no desire to see this “best”.
* * *
Humor – a way of life for optimist and a medicine for pessimist.
* * *
Psychology – a science about what we are, why we are the ones we are, and why we don’t even need to try to become not the ones we are.
* * *
Socionics – a science about those ones, who are strongly prohibited from becoming not the ones they are.
* * *
Politics – a science about how to become the one, whom you are strongly prohibited from becoming.
* * *
Marketing – a science about how to convince another that he needs something that he has no need at all.
* * *
Management – a science about how to find an ideal combination of spice-cake with a whip.
* * *
Human’s biology – a science about what we are, why we are what we are, and what will occur inside us when we will become not that what we are.
* * *
Philosophy – a science about what is and what is not, but can either be or not be, and about what could be, if there was no what is, and couldn’t be what could be.
* * *
Medicine – a science about how we can become what we were, if suddenly we start becoming not what we are.
* * *
Genetics – a science of how to transform something we are and something we were not into something we desire to be, but what we should not be.
* * *
Diplomacy – a science of how to send away others so that they still remained grateful.
* * *
Statistics – a science of how the majority lives.
* * *
Show business – a science of in what way the minority lives.
* * *
Suicide – a way to forever close the eyes before a horde of self-made problems.
* * *
Eternal life – what we could have, if every moment of our life became infinitely long and wonderful.
* * *
Paradise in a tent – social illusion, caused by application of the given term to too small spaces.
* * *
Happiness – a realized necessity.
* * *
Human – special kind of angels, who cut their own wings soon after own birth.
* * *
Health – something that is not felt until it vanishes; something that, having vanished, can be restored back only with hard work; something, whose vanishing makes lives of ones similar to never-ending torment, and lives of others – similar to breakthrough.
* * *
Life – a process, similar with mountain racing : others show you one third of a path upwards, two thirds of remained path you rise yourself; and when descent time comes – for hold your breath for an instant, and then rush downwards, all the way mentally begging the God to help you not to fall down on such speed, and thus the way downwards is same in length as the way upwards, but requires tens times less. And when you have safely finished your descent – you have already completely forgotten details of the first third of climbing upwards and descending downwards, but cannot forget details of own two thirds climbing uphill.
* * *
Democracy – a rule of miserable over the blessed.
* * *
Human’s essence – what is remained when last hope disappears.
* * *
Kindness – the ability to substitute a second cheek after a blow on the first and say “Stop it”.
Love – the ability to intercept a hand, trying to give a slap in the face, and say “Stop it”.
* * *
Modesty – a springboard for wisdom.
* * *
Misfortune – what remains when the happiness is forgotten.
* * *
City – a home for those with gregarious mind.
Nature – a home for those with lonely mind.
Prison – a home for those with hardened mind.
Church – a home for those with aged mind.
Life – a home for those voluntary mad.
* * *
Success – a consequence of the fact that you were in time.
Failure – a consequence of the fact that you didn’t want to be in time.
* * *
Publicity – is when you are written about in newspapers.
Popularity – is when you are spoken about.
Fame – is when they can’t help speaking and writing about you.
Modesty – is when you understand all senselessness of publicity, popularity and fame.
* * *
Trust – what goes before belief.
Belief – what follows trust.
Experience – what remains after unjustified trustfulness and beliefs.
03.10.2010
I am not passive – I simply chose my goals carefully.
I am not zealot – I believe in the victory of human reason.
I am not aggressive – it’s hardly possible to speak differently with unreasonable ones.
I am not romanticist – I simply love life.
I am not a meek creature – it’s just useless to shout in a room alone.
I am not lonely – I am simply not part of the crowd.
I am not liar – I simply do not tell all the truth.
I am not reserved – I am simply not egocentric.
I am not rigid – there are simply times when one needs to be strong.
I am not defenseless – there are simply times when it’s required to pretend to be weak.
I am not silly – sometimes it’s simply necessary to deny common reason.
I am not uneasy – life simply demands movement.
I am not gloomy – I happen to be similarly “normal” sometimes.
I am not shy – my spirit simply soars too high sometimes.
I am not egoist – it’s simply necessary to think about myself sometimes
I am not pessimist – sometimes I simply forget to be happy.
I am not slave – it’s simply necessary sometimes to work for others.
I am not enemy – someone simply desire war sometimes.
I am not friend – someone simply desire to find allies in war sometimes.
I am not silent – I simply carefully select words.
I am not cynic – sometimes I simply call things by their proper names.
I am not insensible – sometimes it’s simply necessary to be closed from idly curios.
I am not mad – I simply do not always meet other’s expectations.
I am not indifferent – not all tears are simply true.
I am not impudent – it’s simply necessary to be the proprietor from time to time.
I am not helpless – it’s simply pleasantly to go down the stream sometimes.
I am not bored – someone simply does not understand from the first time sometimes.
I am not haughty – simply not everyone is capable to understand my language.
I am not warrior – it’s simply necessary to battle sometimes.
I am not hero – the times simply demand so.
27.09.2010
Let’s try to imagine how a notorious political action of last centuries could look like, being presented by a mass media channel, loyal to current political powers
Petrashevsky case in the eyes of modern pro-imperious mass media (ironical sketch)
All names aren’t invented, all coincidence could be casual, all meanings are meaningful by definition
Plot of the day
Greetings, our respected televiewers!
And we do remind you that today a court has taken place in the matter of bandit group of the terrorist Petrashevsky. Let’s remind our televiewers that very recently thanks to a denunciation of operatively introduced by intelligence services in the network of terrorist group agent I.P.Liprandi, they managed to uncover the extremist and undermining nature of activity of mentioned underground organization, after which policemen within their operative operation of interception detained all rank-and-file members of this group, including Sergey Durov, Alexander Palm, Alexey Pleshcheev, Feodor Dostoevsky. Other so-called cultural figures of literature and arts, including M.E.Saltykov-Schedrin, N.G.Chernyshevsky, V. G. Belinsky and A.Maykov are also subject to suspicion. About forty people in total were arrested during that special operation. Let’s note that according to the report of police department which was carrying out that special operation, all suspects didn’t provide any armed resistance to forces of tranquility and law in spite of the fact that according to Liprandi’s report they were considered as very dangerous and well-armed criminals.
Suspects are being incriminated the distribution of materials with extremist contents, including so-called “Belinsky’s letter to Gogol”, as well as development of utopian by definition ideas of the French philosophers and educators, including ideas of socialism, public equality and brotherhood, social justice and some other, which are considered the ones undermining all public state foundations and dogmas, and kindling intra national discord on an interclass sign. A number of statements of mentioned figures concerning ruling party and the president himself are considered to be frankly slanderous. Several philosophical remarks, uttered by some of the members, can also be treated as appeals to violent overthrow of existing political system. Let’s note that drugs were found in apartments of several members of this organization. Suspects argue that drugs were injected by law enforcement bodies, but such statements certainly have no real basis in them. At the present moment all confiscated extremist literature is liable to destruction as being resolutely pernicious for consciousness of citizens of our great country.
All right obedient citizens of our country are enraged by similar obscene tricks of these under-philosophers. The president together with orthodox church and the majority of the patriotically adjusted public resolutely condemned this terrorist organization in a uniform rush and demanded to punish them all according to all severity of the law.
According to today’s judgment, such a desire has been fully fulfilled. Taking into account all severity of the committed crime and absence of any facilitating circumstances, the court sentenced twenty one members of this bandit group to a capital punishment - to deprive them of lives through execution. The sentence will be carried out in the next few days. We welcome all interested parties to look at this surprising and touching event! And may the God help them all…
Thank you, these were all the main news for today. And now, talking of the weather …
17.08.2012
One day everything has changed in the Great Desert. For many month the scorching sun was so bright and a heat so intolerable that every source of water, even the largest ones, have dried up. Animals have been confused, they were tormented by thirst. So they have gathered for Great Deserted Council, which was not gathered for almost ten years, to think up a way to rescue from the sun. And each of them came into the Council’s center, and each was questioned by others of how it’s possible to find a salvation, yet nobody could give the answer.
In desperation, animals have called for their last hope – they have summoned a desert Lion into the center of Council, who had a reputation of being most courageous, wise and strong from all of them and by the right was considered their tsar.
- I will find water for all of you, I swear with the honor of the tsar of animals ! – the Lion has growled. – I will find it and I will show you a way.
And, having this said, the Lion has gone on searches of a source of revival, and the rest of animals started waiting for his return.
For many days and nights the Lion tirelessly ran and ran through the desert, driven by a sandy wind and thoughts of his dying comrades and of his debt before them. And when it seemed that his forces have completely left him, a great, boundless and endless ocean has opened before his eyes.
- At last I have found it ! I have discovered water ! Now we are saved ! – the Lion cried, and with the last bit of strength ran downwards to a coast.
When he at last has managed to creep up to a coast and scooped saving water in paws, he has suddenly noticed a fish, swimming in this water. The Fish played on the sun by all colors of a rainbow, and looked at him, as if studying.
- Do you desire to drink from my spring ? – she asked suddenly.
- Yes, - the Lion has either growled or whispered. I have been running for many days, my powers have run out, and my comrade are dying from thirst. I have to drink to restore my strength and return to them to inform of this great source of a saving moisture.
- But do you know about its properties ? – a Fish questioned.
- Of what properties are you talking ? – the Lion was surprised. – I see water, and I am going to tell about its source to others. Please, do not weary me, swim away, so I can drink this luring moisture and restore my powers !
- The water, which you are going to drink, may kill you, - replied the Fish.
What a strange fish, - the Lion has thought. How can water kill somebody ?
- To kill me ? Of what death are you talking about ? I have already almost died from thirst,- the Lion growled. Move aside, let me drink it !
- If you drink from my spring, your thirst will only grow and strengthen, - Fish responded. The more you will drink, the greater your thirst will become.
- But how can you live in this spring of yours and drink from it without dying ? – The tsar of all animals questioned.
- What is death for you, terrestrial ones, - is a birth for us, - she said. We were born in this bitter source – and are destined to spend our entire live in it. It has ceased to be deadly for us – and became our air and now we enjoy it.
- But what am I supposed to do then ? – The Lion inquired. I must help my relatives by any means possible ! I am considered as the strongest and wisest tsar of animals by right !
- You can drink from my spring and rescue them, - the Fish replied. There is a river in the north that runs into this sea – its water can bring you relief. Besides, you can also find my brothers in that river – for we can live even in your waters – who will aid you further. However, this river is far away, and you will hardly manage to reach it.
- Then what options do I still have? – the Lion questioned.
- You will have to drink from my spring, but remember, that your own price for this act can be too high. Waters of my sea will suffice for short duration, so you must travel with haste. However, even if you will finally come to a river, you will probably still not manage to return to your comrades. But my river brothers will help you to bring the message of a river source – but first you should reach it.
- And if I will refuse drinking from this sea ? – the Lion questioned.
- Then, most likely, you will be unable to reach the river, - Fish answered.
For several difficult minutes the Lion lay ashore, not even daring to take a sip of this water. However, when he has dared to do it at last, and has scooped some water in a paw, - it has tasted so bitter that he has immediately spat it out, being unable to bear that taste.
- No way. To drink from this sea means to die instantly, no matter what the Fish would speak – the Lion has decided. I still have powers, I shall reach that river, for I am the tsar of animals !
And the Lion, exhausted with thirst, having gathered the rest of his forces, has run in the direction, pointed by the Fish.
His forces, however, finally run out after only several hours.
The sun has risen highly once again over the Great Desert – too high for some of the terrestrial ones. After several hours of journey the Lion, exhausted with thirst, has fallen to hot sand, panting. He knew that he was dying. He knew that he failed to fulfill his duty.
- Damned fish ! – he thought. There are no even signs of a river here, and never was for certain. You have lead me the wrong way, you have killed me ! – he growled. Devil’s ffffffiiiiiissssshhh ! – a loud roar of defeated tsar of animals spread over the desert – and then the desert went silent once again.
Only a sun was still shining the same, only a sandy wind was still blowing, and only waves of great and boundless ocean were romping and splashing somewhere…
And only several hours of journey still remained to the fresh river, feeding the sea … which he could pass, if only has dared to drink from this bitter source …
04.10.2010
How’s that – to feel, that something invaluable, for which you have been searching for all your life – that you’ve found it at last ?
How’s that – to finally meet Him in private after so many earth years ?
How’s that – to experience His endless love, being poured on us, and see people still hating each other ?
How’s that – to perceive yourself as His warrior, fencing invisible Word blade ?
How’s that – to know, that He is always nearby … just to stretch a hand ?
How's that - to see same warriors, standing nearby, and behold how He smiles to all of you ?
How’s that – to learn of your former path – of your former ways – at last and to observe the new one, revealing before you ?
How’s that – to be aware of own immortality, and to reborn from ashes time and again as always, like the Phoenix for a new Earth journey ?
How’s that – to feel the higher light warriors of God aiding you – and to hear a quiet whispering of Heavens ?
How’s that – to feel a breathing of Universe inside you and sense a beating of Her heart ?
How’s that – to absorb the Light of another world, penetrating you, and to give it new and new forms ?
How’s that – to hear words of gratitude Firsthand ?
How’s that – to accept a path, intended to you by God, voluntary and to rejoice from its beauty ?
How’s that – to put one’s love into these words, intended to purify human hearts ?
How’s that – to light up human souls and to revive them to new life ?
How’s that - to see in one’s dreams the promised New world, only to wake up in sweat from rough touched of the old one ?
How’s that – to observer, how long-term problems and vital complexities, gathered for years, are dissolved during one short earth span, blown away by a wind of changes, as though they never existed before ?
How’s that – to truly love this world, despite all distortions, brought into it by capricious human mind ?
How’s that – to know, what awaits so many of you and with a grief in one’s eyes observe you approaching the abyss ?
How’s that – to keep whispering of all this to those, who still hear ?
How’s that – to go nip and tuck with those, who, like you, knows and feels all this ?
Oh men, if had only known, how’s all that …
27.10.2010
I feel I don't belong there, yet this is my world for now.
I feel like I am a sinner and a saint - all in one.
I feel I used to fall, only to rise higher after.
I feel I don't need to repeat the mistakes of the forgotten past again.
I feel I have recently passed through some trial … yet there are more awaiting me on the path.
I feel like I have already experienced all the common pleasures other ones dream of - and found them worthless.
I feel I have forgotten my true nature and lost my past in the labyrinths of lifes.
I feel like I was able to fly somehow, though I can't recall the time.
I feel my road is of rare origin, yet it won't be easy.
I feel many diamonds of the future path are still undiscovered.
I feel my wish for transformation have triggered some fate threads, and I must prove my worth for the Universe.
I feel the Universe is a constantly evolving, living being and we are all bound by some unseen force in it.
I feel I must dive deeper inside me for the past to unfold.
I feel I'm many-faced … so many personalities swirling inside me, constantly fighting for my attention. I am all them - and yet someone different.
I feel I have awakened, yet partially. I won't exists as usual "me" when I will finally dare to open still closed eyes.
I feel I could never awaken even like this, had I to listen to other people's "common sense".
I feel I know the major marks of my path, yet the details are still undetermined.
I feel my goals are right, yet only for me. My own ego must be destroyed in my wake for new essence to be born.
I feel the happiness makes me lighter, yet still I cannot soar.
I feel I can't call any country as motherland and even Earth is not home.
I feel I don't need to belong to any organized group folks, yet I could … just to have some fun examining them.
I feel I could speak more languages, yet now bound to the two, with one sounding so familiar … Did I relearn one of those ?
I feel I could sometimes feel people's emotions flowing around me, unseen by others.
I feel humans do not yet know the inner power they hold, for this knowledge could be dangerous.
I feel the paths of all ones intertwine in a strange ways and there are no random events.
I feel we are all have creativity of some origin, yet many ones buried it to look sane.
I feel some interesting events marking the future of this world are yet to come.
I feel we all have to be better if we are to survive.
I feel I will always be somewhat "out of touch" there, yet I can accept the laws most ones live with … just in case.
I feel somewhat like a child now, yet my mind is of elder.
I feel I will never stop seeking the wisdom, nor do I want to.
I feel I could walk the different direction, yet finally my destination would be the same.
I feel I am still human on the surface - and that is for the better.
I feel my path does never truly end, yet I am glad.
I feel I am being guided, yet cannot see the guide.
I feel I am not the only one who feels like this, yet those ones are few.
I feel I could say more … yet this is sufficient.
I feel I must keep silence … for now.
13.08.2009
You like judging so greatly that it seems as if you know everything of anything in the world around. You are so afraid of admitting own ignorance to anybody ! Probably, you already possess answers to all questions of life … or have you simply ceased searching for them ? Oh, yes – someone else have answered for you ! And thus you allowed them to decide your own destiny.
Certainly, you can console yourselves that you are neither the first, nor the last ones. That there are many ones, similar to you in our distressful world. That all people deceive, dissemble, steal, talk scandal, envy, sneer … Oh, if only such self-justifications had any power at all ! But if someone chooses to go and act together with the majority – whether he doesn’t become its integral part, sharing common responsibility for the choice of crowds ? But it’s so comfortable for many to feel themselves like a small screw, a pawn in a big crowd !
How many leaders of crowds has this world seen ? All of them sank into oblivion. Yet the stream of new solvers-for-you, apparently, isn’t going to run low at all. It will never extinguish until you learn to decide for yourselves, listening to a low whisper of own souls. But are people even capable to listen ?
You followed your leaders, destroying everything in your wake and trying to build something new on newly created ruins. You were ready to crucify others for the illusion of belief. For the sake of the next new idea, seeming so attractive to you, you destroyed thousands and thousands of innocent lives of your neighbors. Probably, it was worthwhile in your own opinions, yes ? Was it required to express internal contents of souls to understand all absurd of attempts of changing of others without changing yourselves first and foremost ? But whether it’s in your powers to revive those who have once been killed by you ?
You listen to each and everybody, yourself being excluded. And even when you listen to “yourselves” – you keep hearing only an echo of decisions, imposed to you by others. But these decisions seem to you as ones coming from your own clarity of spirit … if only it was that way ! For this particular reason you continue sleeping with your eyes open widely, and behold dreams filled with a dope of your endless desires of this, that, and-most-certainly-that-thing-as-well. After all, your life will become so defective without all these infinite things, seizing your consciousness ! And that way you gain at least a new subject for yet another conversation about nothing with your colleagues by a dream.
Until we dive in ourselves so deeply as it’s even possible, having learned own spiritual nature, we won’t be able to truly wake up. We will instead continue to operate and move like dummies for puppet leaders. We will keep thinking like them as if by a template; believing only in what they trust; dreaming of what it’s allowed to dream. But where will such “dreams” once lead us ?
You will never awaken until you are a part of a crowd. The crowd isn’t capable to realize own illusions. One can fly up over the crowd, but will never creep under its feet. It’s useless to belittle crowds to behave reasonably. It’s impractical to count on collective conscious of crowds. Crowds dissipate naturally when each and every person in them gains his own identity. Crowds of unsleeping ones do not exist at all.
The task of own awakening lies on everyone. No one else is capable to pass your own path – for that reason it cannot be passed while you are still a part of crowd. And you better not postpone these tasks for later. There is much less time remaining, that many of you would prefer to think.
18.09.2012
When was that?
Sometimes it seems to me that all this has happened several minutes ago, even though long twenty years passed since these days. This is not a fairy tale – in any sense. This is a story of my life, its mysterious and unforgettable part, its guiding shining star. The beginning of my new journey in this world. If you would like – solar rebirth.
Our memory always keeps for us the most remembered and wondrous moment of life. And today, after almost twenty years, I still remember very clearly that brightest month. They, those days, clearly reveal before me – whenever I wish it, my memory repeats them for me in brightest details – each and every day from several dozens. Sometimes it even seems to me that some special sort of memory is holding these events … They remained in my heart – those days.
Now I am remembering those moments once again, and tears are sliding on my cheeks … These are tears of grief and joy, my friends. Each day and every hour is so clear …
* * *
“John, it’s time for you to go home!” - and worried mother appeared on a porch.
But the boy did not hear her – he was far away. They together with Jim and Laura – little girl from the same city quarter were lapping in the river. They were scooping with their childish palms handfuls of water and with all available for them power were throwing them into each other, pouring over with a sparkling water stream.
Here he grasped flowing water with both his hands and threw it directly into Jim, having poured all his face from top to the bottom. Then Jim, who was still throwing streams of water into laughing Laura, has somehow put a hand on water surface – and an instant later a whole water whirlwind has encircled him. A water shield has risen around Jim. He himself was turning in a water and beating it with hands – and streams flied in different directions from him, touching both the right (whom a Laura can be considered by right – for after all it was not she who have begun this attack on him!) ones, as well as guilty ones – meaning John, who had imprudence to pour over this water champion Jim and was not, being poured by uninterrupted water streams, have already felt sorrow for such a precipitate state.
However this new water barrier and flying water streams, have, apparently, inspired all of them only more – they were laughing and pouring each other, no longer closing faces with hands from water streams, rushing in every direction by totally unpredictable trajectories, being sent by this or that party. Gradually he together with Laura, who have come to the rescue against this Loch Ness monster Jim, began to push him more and more to a coast – streams were beating in a face, he couldn’t see Jim clearly any longer, but kept fighting. But Jim did not retreat as well – now he had time to throw water in Laura as well, and she have got no less pressure than John.
They were fighting and battling together with each other, and ringing childish laughter filled space and unrolled with waves around the place. They had lots of fun that day. Jim was finally pushed into a coast – and they together with Laura by the right of full winners poured him without future resistance from his side.
Then they chased one after another in a water, much like jambs of blood-thirsty sharks, as the very same Jim has noticed. Those who have been caught up were seized in water for heels a dragged on a coast. Most easier it was to catch Laura – after they managed to seize her by heels in water, she obediently went to a coast and waited there while they were chasing one after another. Then, laughing, she swimmed to them – and this time was chasing them, already fairly tired from pursuit of one after another, and almost every time in that she prevailed. Well, certainly, they gave in to her.
Then there were wood walks and singing of birds in branches of trees. It was morning and they, having taken seat on wood logs, were listening to bird’s trill as if being charmed.
“Our wood brothers know how to praise light”, - I still clearly remember this phrase of Laura.
There were their joint hide-and-seek games in wood windbreaks and plentiful high bushes, growing there. There were descents from frosty ice slopes and snow games. There were falling in deep snowdrifts and friendly laughter of friends, standing nearby. There was a joy of experiencing of such enormous and wonderful world, opened before them.
They – these three – were only entering this life as children. They have been living like them from then on.
They… They – three. Now he is the only one left.
It was like a blow. No – it was much more terrible.
As though one thousand of flaming hammers have fallen upon you and pressed down so strongly that you couldn’t even breath … As though some deep abyss is sucking you inside and you are unable to do anything … As though some invisible force is breaking and cutting you in pieces … As if you have ceased to live any longer …
And still it was nevertheless – that particular day. Ten years ago – yes, then he learned that finest friends of his childhood and youth, who have given him so much – Jim and Laura … - both of them have died. Both have left this world and he remained in it without them. “Without them. Without them. Alone. Alone. Alone”, - his consciousness was beating its rhythm like a hammer. “Without … them”, - echoing in consciousness words have finally merged into a pure excuse of a phrase – and he has fainted, having fallen to a suddenly approached ground.
He came to his senses afterwards, though not immediately. For almost a year he has been coming to senses. This was indeed a great loss – a loss of, perhaps, the most valuable gift given by life to him. But he has endured it. Has consulted because he had to. And because a heart – his heart which has never before cheated him, has perseveringly and constantly from that day of this loss whispering to him that this separation is not eternal. That they, three ones will meet again under the sun of another world, will meet once his path here is finished and debt is fulfilled.
But all this was later, many years before. And then they were bright children – and nothing and no one saddened their festival of life.
* * *
It seemed that this day was the most common afternoon, which happens exactly three hundred sixty five times during a year for a detached onlooker. But it might seem to someone other – yet not to him. Not to him.
A ghost or a man? At first I thought that I’ve encountered a true ghost, when he carefully approached my home and greeted me. As if having appeared from nowhere …
I welcomed him, having sharply put my right palm to a head and then releasing it – for unknown to me reason men in military uniform often made this gesture, and so I have decided to try it out as well.
“Warrior”, - said stranger and smiled. “A true warrior will once come out of you”, - he added. He started talking. Asked me of my district and inquired if he can live somewhere here for sometime till “it will be time for him to move on” – it seemed he expressed that way.
We – I together with Laura, who have come running to my house just by that time to invite me and Jim on Saturday picnic, which her parents were going to arrange – both have actively joined the conversation with a stranger, eagerly rivalry chattering and interrupting each other to give that man as much information as possible on why, for example, he is will be glad to stop in the house of aunt Zhanetta and don’t need to even dare thinking of stopping in the “Night Rider” tavern. So we learned that ghost is called Richard. “Richard”, - said the ghost, - “one of my favourite names”.
When we finally finished our explanations and both stopped, having become fairly tired from such verbal outburst, he smiled and inquired whether he could stay in my house for a while.
“And why don’t you want to stop at aunt Zhannetta?” – Laura outstripped me with question and looked at the stranger with inquiring and interested look. Richard-ghost moved his eyes to a left-upper corner – as if reflecting on something. Then has somehow taken hands aside, having exposed his palms up as if asking someone unknown for help – so it continued for about ten seconds. Then he stirred up his head and once again has looked as us with a radiant look – till now I remember that wonderful sparkling of his eyes! – and has started talking once more.
- Decided to check one more time if I should stay where you have offered me at first. It will not be the best choice. I should stay for some time close to you for now.
We, of course, started asking him one after another of why he should stay exactly with us as how he has learned of that, and he replied: “You will learn everything in due time. When you will grow up, you shall understand. Warriors”, - he added and smiled. “Be not afraid, John, be not afraid, Laura. I will not cause you any harm. Warriors of good battle together – shoulder to a shoulder – and no against each other”.
But … I didn’t tell him my name! And neither did Laura! How could he possible know them? Judging by Laura’s face I have seen that she is a bit confused as well. “But how did you…”, - she started asking – and suddenly changed her mind, without finishing her phrase.
The stranger turned to face her and smiled.
- You want to ask yours and John’s names? No, I didn’t inquire people about you for that I have no need. You will receive the answer to that question as well, having grown up. Many things will open before you then.
He has told nothing more on that question and we haven’t interrogated him as well.
“As I understand, a consent of your parents is necessary for me to live together with you?” – and looked at us. “Well, certainly”, - he added again after five or ten seconds. “I will adequately pay for my accommodation and will not disturb you I my everyday life. However, if you”, - and he looked at me and Laura – “will ever need my help – you can always address me while I am staying with you. I will be around here for about a month, and then I will have to move on for my path calls for me. Ask your parents and decide together whether will you accept me – and who from your parents may welcome me. I will come tomorrow afternoon. Good luck to you, warriors”, - and, having this said, he has fitfully got up, waved his hand, parting, and suddenly disappeared behind a horizon almost as fast and mysteriously as he has come, having left us both in feeling of bewilderment and at the same time in sensation of some bright joy and presentiments of upcoming happiness.
At least I was left with such a feeling – but Laura, seemingly, as well.
- So, what are we supposed to do now? Did this man seemed … strange to you? – and Laura lift her eyes, studying me.
- Strange? Yeah, that’s true … he is strange … but still I trust him for some reason. Don’t know why. I trust him a believe in his motives – I replied.
- And so did I. I just wanted to know what do you feel. However, I don’t think that my parents will allow him to live with us – too watchfully do they concern strangers, even to … such as … - and Laura sighted. – But your will most certainly allow it! After all your family is short of money now and they will use this upcoming possibility.
- Yes, mine will likely welcome his offer. He will stay together with us … with us … for a month – I said. One month … “Why for so short, just a month?!” – word have suddenly escaped my lips and I hastily covered my mouth with a hand. What are these thoughts? Strange.
- Well, fine. I will come tomorrow evening and you shall tell me about him then. He is so mysterious … - Laura has favored me with her graceful smile, stood up from her place, has given up a lost farewell – much like that stranger – and has run to her house. Her silhouette was gradually thawing, as if concealing itself in this morning haze – and soon totally disappeared from sight.
“It means, tomorrow. It means, month. Well, let it be so then”, - don’t even remember from where did these thoughts came up to me, but there was some extraordinary force and internal consent inside them.
My parents indeed allowed this stranger to live with us. So has begun that wonderful and unforgettable month of my live, which has remained in my heart, remained – forever.
* * *
He was full of surprises and riddles, that Richard, and was extremely kind as well – and so we together with Laura, Jim (we couldn’t conceal such an event from him, and he too started visiting me in my home to meet time and again) soon all three have fallen in love with him. Even now I can still remember our conversations with him, his brightly shining solar eyes and quiet and filled with internal might voice…
“Are you asking me of where have I come from? From a world – worlds. There are myriads of unique magnificent worlds out there. Your life lies in the endlessness. It’s only necessary to move forward to understanding and beauty. And this world of yours – you can transform it into a blossoming garden as well. You hear me? You can! It’s all in your powers …”
“Now you are living the life of a child, you notice and see a lot of things – those which the majority of adults have already ceased to notice – lots of fine things. You are living in a live world. Each day is truly new for you, and wonderful as well. This is true and fair, a fine perception of life. Others have to study such perception. Those who have forgotten that such a sensation is possible – they have to be reminded of that. Your joy of life and love – your and one of your friends – it’s as though a key to a world. It will open all gates before you, it will lead you over abysses and give magnificent wings for a flight”.
“Yes, indeed a joy is promised to mankind. People could live in joy if not have made themselves enter a circle of sufferings. I do not know of why they have made this choice – but many nevertheless have made it. What sort of joy am I talking about? But you must have already experienced it! When you together with your friends were playing and frolicking – that was a joy of exploring the world. When you study surrounding world with interest – it’s a joy of learning the world. You receive joy of working as well. When you are in love and are giving your love to your neighbors – it’s a joy and delight of love and giving it back. It’s strange that some have lost this wonderful thread – but it means that they have to find it once again. Heart of theirs must they melt first! People passionately wish to be happy – and do nothing to make that happen. For some of them every day is like a monotonous foggy image and their life also happens to be full of mist. But it’s easy to lose the way and clue in a fog, therefore it’s necessary for a heart to shine with love and joy – and then no fog imaginable will cover this ardent heart!
“The one who is moving will reach once – I know, you have already heart these words – and they are true. It’s impossible to sit in one place, in the 100-th time raking up piles of own prejudices and unnecessary and insalubrious habits. One has to move on, to be inspired! The inspiration is necessary for men – but many believe that it comes only in some extraordinary cases. But it’s always near us – only to stretch a hand. Only to start working with kind thoughts in mind – and inspiration will always be your faithful devoted companion on a life’s journey”.
“How have I learned your name? And how animals feel fear? How people feel other’s gaze? How the atmosphere of a home in which they are staying can be felt? Certainly, not all possess such sensitivity – but they themselves close own way with prejudices. But even those who possess, usually consider this sensation as sort of artificial self-suggestion. Extremely accurately and clearly feel some – and still do not trust themselves! Wave them away, refuse, while they could study these phenomena. But with such a difficulty do men accept everything that lift their nature and their self-understanding, therefore for many indications of eyewitnesses are not enough – they judge of things in the world based on their own being. But your science can prove that – and it must finally pay attention to these aspects. Your science has already studied many laws of physical world – but now the time has come to study laws spiritual one. Actually, you have been told of them so long ago – many centuries before, yet they remained the diploma on paper for many, which they respect, yet not follow”.
“What are these laws? And what have you been told? Love your neighbor, learn to find pleasure in any work, learn to be courageous, bring light into the world. Simple words. Great sense and wisdom – and knowledge as well. But how many people remember of that everyday and live like that?”
“Who am I? After all the first time I have come to you, you must probably have considered me as some sort of ghost, right? But as you can see, I am live person as well as you. I am simply speaking of something of which many of you are still unaware. For those who remembered once but have forgotten – I remind”.
“Why should I leave you soon? Because my way calls for me I will have to go. There is much to be made yet”.
Such conversations we used to have in evenings. I, Jim and Laura – all of us gathered together before a house fireplace and like bewitched ones were listening to him. Probably due to a simple reason that he was telling the truth?
* * *
I clearly remember one day when heart of mine was beating uneasily. I couldn’t find peace inside me as if something sad was going to happen. I was going by our street when has noticed Laura and three adult guys who have surrounded her. Then he words and crying reached my ears – “Please, I beg you, stop it!” With all my powers I ran forward. Wind was beating me in face and picture was gradually opening before the eyes – three guys have surrounded her, one was holding her by hair and two others were tearing her clothes apart. They were doing that and were not afraid at all. No one, nobody from rare passers-by tried to interfere, even though together they could stop this violence.
Still running I have snatched one of them and tumbled down – began threshing with fists without looking. The desire to protect Laura was burning so brightly in my breast that I didn’t feel pain when two other guys abandoned crying Laura and have seized me instead. I felt no pain when one of them took me by my hair and another by a jacket so that I couldn’t move any longer. I felt no pain when they started beating me in my breast. I felt no pain when has fallen to the ground and they began kicking me with feet. I felt no pain by that time. The pain has come later.
A small stream of blood was flowing from injured nose and lips, leaving a viscous red trace on a sidewalk. Three guys were guffawing and undressing crying and begging them not to do it girl – begging in vain. I don’t remember how much time has passed – I ceased to remember. But the subsequent events I remember extremely clearly still.
“You shall now leave her alone and move away while you still can. Immediately!” – painfully familiar and now already cold as steel voice ringed in air.
Hardly moving my head I still managed to turn it and have seen standing nearby me Richard. Not like that, totally different was his voice when he was talking with us – now it was somewhat rigid and filled with great inner force at the same time. I badly remember those instants – my eyes were dimmed by some red fog – but still remember some things nevertheless … Hearing his words those guys have come off the crying and groaning Laura and turned to face Richard.
“Now!” – repeated Richard and made several more steps towards them.
“Oh yeah! Who’s the fucking shit are you?!” – one of them shouted in response – but there was no more that defiant impudence and self-confidence that was before.
“I said now! There will be no repeats here. You can back off, I will not touch you – you have yourselves created not the best consequences by that act. But now you will be cleaned away!”
“You try to expel us, goat!” – already obviously defying, the very same guy shouted.
Then Richard stepped forward, sharply raised his right hand up – during that instant as if some fiery blade sparkled in his hand – or, perhaps, my grown turbid consciousness has already started to dement me? – an he exposed his hand forward.
“Why the heck are you afraid of him? There are three of us, and he’s alone!” – the very same ringleader cried out and, probably having decided to set an example for his allies, sharply rushed towards Richard, exposing his fists forward.
He bashed at Richard with all his force – such a pressure should simply tumble Richard down on the ground. It seemed to me that during that instant of their collision something has flashed around Richard … anyway, I clearly saw how the tyrant who has bashed him as if hit a stone wall instead. He simply ran into him and was knocked away – and Richard has not moved at all, totally not stirred. Not a single iota. The tyrant instead felt to the ground, moaned and then went silent. Two other guys, already being frightened by his appearing, have abandoned Laura and started running away with all possible haste. They were not pursued.
I do not remember what has followed. I regained consciousness being already at home – and pain wasn’t felt any longer. I stood up and soon found Richard. He was silently sitting at a fireplace – it seemed that he was dozing, his eyes were close. I didn’t disturb him, and went to look for Laura instead. I found her in the next room lying on a bed, sleeping. Her wounds were tied up and there were not, not torn, clothes on her. It seemed that sleep overcome me once again after that. When I woke up again, both Laura and Richard were unsleeping. They were sitting near by bed.
“Ah, woken up”, - said Richard and smiled. “Rise up, warrior. Your wounds have been healed and you are ready to stand in line once again. You will have to do it before the upcoming era of trials”.
“I … I feel no more pain … totally. How could I recover so quickly?”
“Yes, and Laura feels no pain any longer. The pain has gone. I have cured you, though it was not an easy task – however I have already rested for now”.
“But how did you …?” – Laura started asking him, but Richard raised his hand as if calling for silence, and said – “Questions will go after, but for now you have to rest. Take a rest, warriors with lion hearts” – and he left a room.
* * *
Then there were our talks with him once again. There were even more many joyful days. These were unforgettable days. Probably, the best ones in our lives.
And then he left us – and we remained alone. In the next morning he got up and told me that today it’s time for him to go.
“Where to?” – I asked.
“The way I have chosen”, - were his words.
I began crying. I started crying when he told that he is leaving us.
He smiled and said: “Don’t cry, we are not parting ways forever. Perhaps, we shall meet again one day. Farewell, warrior, and do remember of the days of upcoming trials!” – he once again habitually waved his hand and sent his steps into a new revealing way.
We were standing shoulder to a shoulder – I, John, Jim and Laura. I watched him with sad and full of hope look. Laura hang down her head. “Farewell”, - she whispered quietly. “He will return”, - said Jim. “We will meet him once again”.
* * *
I regained consciousness from memoirs.
As clearly as now I still remember that wonderful month – and the next years of my life, accompanying it. I have never met this man again. Sometimes I even start to doubt – whether he is a human? Who is he? Wiseman? Prophet? Simply a person, according to his words, who have come to this world to remind people of their duty and show a bright path?
I have no idea. But I certainly know the one thing – his word have given me life. He has shown me a wonderful world in which we, we, people! – can live. If we desire it and choose it, if we will not be sitting idly, swimming in swamps of own prejudices, but move forward instead. If we shall truly love. If we shall rejoice life.
Yes, yes, yes! He has shown me a new world – the world of Life. He has pointed to surprising new possibilities available for a man. Whether we will desire to live in the light? It’s up to each person. I cannot make that choice for everyone. Everyone sooner or later, but inevitably – will make his own choice. But I have already made my own, and so I do answer to a fine – yes!
I answer to beauty – yes!
I answer to love – yes!
I answer to joy – yes!
And to the New World I do answer – yes!
02.05.2012
Today I woke up as always late. My pure and blissful Astral didn’t want to release me in this frail, dirty and sinful world. But I had to. Had to return back once again to help the disadvantaged, to set despaired on the right path and to rescue and protect the whole horde of local lost souls in every other way possible.
Yes, I woke up as of late – but after all, can a respectable and powerful magician eventually afford himself a little bit more than what is allowed to others ? Well, certainly, he can !
Today a rather responsible day awaited me – a new big customer and, if luck would smile upon me, all honest brotherhood of his acquaintances were going to visit me. From an anticipation of a good bargain magic heat spread throughout my mental body, so that I left this dirty reality for somewhat about twenty more minutes.
Having returned, I jumped up as a scalded one, for I remembered that I haven’t yet managed to carry out today’s morning ritual of purification – and started working instantly.
Under purification I, most certainly, understand the ritual of chopping so-called energy tails – a thing, known to every magician of a slightest degree of knowledge … well, I wanted to tell the found-out magician, that’s it. All right, I will explain for all of you so that you can understand it clearly – I was going to clean up my Karma once again.
It’s necessary to add, that aforementioned process has always given me fair pleasure, and mainly the understanding of the fact that it’s required to spend only several dozens of minutes per day – and all your Karma for previous day gets cleared – you become as pure as the God’s innocent person, and your chances to enter the Paradise stand close to a magic “one hundred” number. I, certainly, mean the Temporary Karma, instead of Personal, but that’s it … a slight specification. And cleaning of Personal karma is in no way tougher – the process takes about fifteen minutes (and recently thanks to active trainings I almost fastened it to somewhat about fourteen minutes and thirty seconds), and must be carried out far less often – one time per month suffices.
Well, is that not great, not inspiring ? Truly, great ways are opened for us, magicians !
Having finished off with purification, I dived into Astral once again to check the condition of my spiritual armor. It’s state was, to tell the truth, far from the best – keep sharping, keep sharping their teeth on their own benefactors all these spiteful and choleric men, keep striking it with their energetic blows. What can be taken from these ones ? The beasts they are, the beasts they are going to die once. And let their rest be long !
I poured a part of my morning forces into strengthening of the protection, having especially taken care of areas of chakras and solar serpent (for the uninitiated ones I will explain, that these are the most important power centers of a mental body of the magician). Besides all other things, this time I have poured truly other-worldly (my head and hands were still shivering for at least ten minutes at the completion of process) power into designed by me “Shield of anger”. Once more time I should explain that this is a special kind of energetic protection, which not only absorbs light and moderate power energetic blows, transferring a portion of its energy to a shield’s maker (the term called adsorption in magic), but also reflects a part of negative energy back to the attacker. Now I will not only be able to take away a part of their own force, but make a strike back to all these spiteful beasts, sucking away my forces ! For an instant I imagined the expression of the face of the one, who would dare to make a first strike – and my spiritual essence was overwhelmed with delight.
I was distracted from this blissful state by so inopportunely made doorbell call.
So, came, they came, my new dear guests, aspiring to recover from their nasty sores, unfairly bestowed upon them. Well, this work suits well such a powerful magician as I am.
I opened the door, already anticipating how I would greet my notable guests – but instead of them I saw on a threshold some strange being with a faint resemblance to those which are called as Hounds and dwell in the Bottom Layers.
- Have you lost a dog ? – the hostess of this being asked me.
To be honest, I was enraged outright. What’s the hellish dog ?! What’s the hellish loss ?! I have lost nothing ever, especially some dogs !
- I have lost nothing, and you … go away ! – I bellowed, and slammed a door forcefully.
Angered, I almost returned to my daily cares (I was especially amused to observe how silly and helplessly do the majority of these earth being behave in layers of the other world, when after death their spiritual bodies leave useless now physical corpses), when a doorbell ringed once again.
Certainly, I couldn’t restraint … flung the door open, being already ready to curse this mistress of her silly dog with all known to me caustic expressions (and, probably, having intimidated her with a possibility to lay a curse for form’s sake) – however this time there was not a single sign of dog.
- Is that you a magician Nag Nagiyevich ? – I overheard.
- M-m-m … yes, – yet being unable to come to senses after such fast change of disposition, I mumbled.
- My name is … well, that’s of no importance, really. I came to you on personal reception … according to the recommendation, - and the man smiled.
What I really didn’t except is an answer in such a style. Not so, totally differently they described me this future client of mine … he was not the way I imagined him.
Well, no matter. The chance cannot be missed.
- Come in, sit down, - I started to pay compliments (effective mean, by the way, useful). – With what affairs did you come ? Whom should I punish, tear to pieces ? In my career I had zero misses ! – and I smiled warmly, having once again said my favorite joke.
- No, we don’t need to torment anyone, - answered the client. – I am having a problem of much higher degree, and a true master of his deed is necessary in the subject … for example, one such as they have described me you, - and my client blurred in a smile.
My heart immediately jumped up. Something serious ? Something even more difficult ? That’s a completely new story, real business. For I have truly bothered myself to be engaged in some trifles and dirty tricks such as notorious malefices and curses.
- How can I be of assistance, my kind friend ? All my forces and knowledge will be at your disposal as soon as you desire, - and I returned him a smile. Well, no way, - I smiled much more attractively.
- I have the following problem, - and the man suddenly started whispering, - I need to revive one person. Do you understand me ?
To tell the truth, I was taken aback a bit. Never in my entire practice had I to resort to magic of such a power, according to gossips available only to faithful servants of the God. But, well, … you can never tell, right ? Perhaps it will all turn out and business of mine will flourish. I would become as rich as a king …
- Excuse me, to resurrect ? And would I be allowed to know of who is that so untimely deceased one ? Your mother, father ? Your distant relative ?
- No, - replied the man, - not they. And, having passed to whisper once again, he added : “It’s me”.
- H-h-h-o-o-w-w-w is that ? – I was astonished.
- Well, you know, theory of reincarnations … transformations … one thousand and one life … I would like to check it out. Let’s say … - and this client come to me very close, having whispered even more silently, - can you revive me in my penultimate embodiment ?
- A-a-a … i-i-i-s-s-s this possible ? – I was taken aback.
- Well. I believe it’s better for you to know.
I started hesitating. What this strange man wanted from me in this no less unclear day (truly is great the power of period of astral antiphase!) was ridiculous and surprising – never before I have heard about the process of reviving yourself. But if various theories of reincarnations, being developed by other magicians, are true, and I will have enough power to repeat the feat of… Savior … heck, one cannot dream of greater income and glory !
-All right, - I replied much more quietly (very useful move – to speak silently and measuredly). - I do believe that our combined forces will be sufficient in order to perform this act of … re-reincarnation. However I cannot give you any guarantee, and, besides, in any case you will have to pay in advance.
- Well, certainly, - and the person blurred in a smile once again. – We have to pay for everything in this world, right ? I believe, plastic would suffice ? Transfer of m-m-m… one million of credograts ?
I will be honest, my tongue was taken away from me during that moment, and once again my head started spinning and hands started shaking. One million of credograts ! This is … this is greater than the most impressive sum I was planning to ask from this men in a dozen … no, in one thousands of times ! Oh yes, truly is great the period of astral antiphase !
- C-c-c…certainly. This w…will cover all possible e…expenses, - I murmured.
- Well, that’s nice. Transfer will be performed today exactly at sixteen o’clock sixteen minutes by that time, to which we both will be the witnesses. As for now, - and the face of this man suddenly acquired some serious … no, I would even tell gloomy, shades, - back to the business.
Preparations took about an hour. Flasks, fabrics, lit smoking tubes, crystals, waving of hands, words of ancient languages … and the like, and the rest. In other words, it was necessary to create the most stable impression that something is really going to happen soon. And then – it’s only a matter of trick.
If this man is really so rich … if only … however, it’s better not even think right now what could be possibly done with his money, which all (and not only some pity million) will suddenly stop being his. Who knows … what if he can read ones minds (the possibility, in which I, most certainly, didn’t believe at all) ? Now it’s only required to distract his attention … and then …
Finally everything was prepared. Well … almost everything.
- Come, sit down here … yes, yes … between these interpolating light beams. And this bowl will be put here, in the center. Keep remember … when I start a ritual – don’t move from your place a single bit. It will be better for you to close your eyes completely …. Energetic streams will become very intensive, they can bring down an aura segment if you move suddenly. Is everything clear ? All right, let’s do it !
I stood nearby and started reading phrases taken out from some ancient doctrine – their original meaning got was lost in the depths of centuries very long time ago, but they still sounded very well … I would even say they sounded quite magically.
After a few minutes I sharply hitched my head up and rolled up my eyes, having upraised up own hands. Continuing my passes and uterine bawling out, I started bypassing my … client ... around.
Soon, soon … several more minutes … to lull vigilance … to force him to lost himself …
Secretly taken knife I reliably hide in a side pocket.
Suddenly, without opening his eyes, the man said : “Well … and why is that there is still nothing happening ? No illuminations … sort of enchanting fireworks … only some silly mantras from Bkhagavat-Geeta, forgotten by all … to tell the truth, I am already starting to be disappointed in you … mister … magician.”
He said the last word so frankly mockingly that I almost was distracted from the process of mantra-speaking.
- Be quiet ! You will break the ritual ! – I almost shouted.
- And it seems to me that you have already broken it, mister … magician. Broken very long ago … you and all your offsprings.
Something evil, something terrifying cut through the voice of this person, and all of a sudden I noticed with dread that mentioned ill-starred smile starts blurring on his face once again …
Now, now or never, while I am still having a chance ! I snatched out a knife, and have almost jumped on that mysterious stranger (who have obviously understood all falseness of my game), but …
- Fool ! Pity fool ! Have you not yet understood of who is standing before you ?!
Suddenly outlines of stanger’s figure began changing … it started growing more and more … and during that moment something with extreme force struck me sideways and flung away, depriving of hope and salvation.
Already fainting, I managed to behold my transformed stranger – and the horror, wild, eternal, never-ending dread of understanding extinguished its last bits …
* * *
Am I dead or alive ? Was reincarnated and destructed ? I don’t know…
Everything that I remembered – were sticky, viscous, become infinite instants of horror, fear and pain.
All I could not forget were words – words, with peals of thunder and stale ashes striking me in the face and ears …
- You have ruined my deed, pity fools ! They … these creatures calling themselves reasonable people, you must have made them helpless before my false prophets … you must have weaken their reason, their feeling of reality … you should lead them in the other imagined virtual world, invented by me …
You didn’t make it ! Instead, you became sort of city clowns so that even the smallest of these creatures gradually started laughing at you and mocking you! Were you really so blind that you didn’t see it, having sunk in your thirst of wealth ? Have you all, my called ones, become so blind ?!
And now … now ! – it seemed that my consciousness won’t sustain the anger which has been poured into these words and will forever leave my now useless body, - my false prophets cannot afflict them ! They are unable to confuse their minds, they can’t distort His word ! These beings are simply mocking you !
F-f-o-o-o-o-l-l-l-l !
But now you are mine – forever mine … until His warriors won’t invade my kingdom … All of you are forever mine! M-m-m-i-i-i-n-n-n-e-e-e !
Pain, never-ending, unstoppable stream of pain have fallen down on me like a stone bulk, killing the last remains of hope and taking the life away.
The last thing I remember, before the remnants of my consciousness were burned out by this fire of tortures, was the long, terrible, almost never-ending falling in the Lowest Layers of this very … Astral world.
18.09.2012
Small nomadic tribe. Hunting and living, living and hunting on each new terrestrial haven. But they were short – for vastness of steppes awaited them, they were short – for battles were inevitable.
Battles of equestrian orders. A lethal enemy’s weapon - long bent sticks, firing killing needles. His companions died every day … he learnt to get used to it, he had to. In peaceful times the tribe expanded and spread again – ready for new battles, new life and new victories.
This was his life. In this world and in this time.
* * *
Turning to the opponent. Double swing of a sword in the right hand. A strike - and flatwise blow on the armor sideways. Moving sword back. The sword describes an arch over a head of the opponent and again strikes in another side. Now the blade starts moving to the ground … both hands take it – and another blow on the plates, closing a shoulder on the right hand.
On the left. Right. Left. Right.
An arch again. Again the sword is turned in hands and flies into attack … another blow. Continuing to shower rival with strikes, he moved sideways. Some more steps and he has appeared behind the back. A blade, brought by two hands over a head … this should be the last blow, opponent will be defeated.
The steel racing into attack … the opponent is turning to face him… Clanging of clashed steel. His strike has been beaten off. The one he battled was not the weakling at all. A series of successful blows – is everything he has managed to make in this duel. There will be no easy victory – but a long and daring fight instead, a battle which he has thirsted with all his heart for a long time – a battle of worthy ones. It will be the battle of worthy – and let the strongest prevail !
One step back. The foot set back aside for stability. Clanging of steel tools which have met in their dance – now it’s his turn. A sharp withdrawal of a blade downwards – opponent’s sword slides off the block. Now a blade’s turn in a bottom. The blade has flushed, describing a circle in the air, - a blow. Opponent’s plate armor has absorbed the major portion of blow again – he resisted.
Now a tap of a sword for repeated blow … he had no time left. His flatwise blow on an armor has not shaken the contender, and that has given him time. Now he has to resist rival’s blow … his sword was describing an arch for another blow … but it was too late to use it as a block.
A hit. Stars in his eyes. The blow of the opponent has been made directly between the plates, covering a shoulder, and a helmet. A dangerous one, also demanding high skill, to lift a blade highly - and fair time for a swing.
Blow. Block. Blow. Block. Clanging steel, which has met in its favorite dance. Two flitting blades.
Two man, breathing heavily under heavy armor, enclosing their bodies. Two warriors, who have met each other in battle. Two knights, fighting for a title of the champion of tournament - fighting for sighs of beautiful ladies and admiration of commoners. Battling, battling as if all their life goals and all hopes have been put into this battle …
And let the strongest prevail !
* * *
The centurion’s order is clear. His phalanx along with others will pass in a wedge through the enemy - pass, sweeping steel-clad infantry and crushing the marksmen, positioned on a hill. It will be glorious fight - yes, glorious fight. They will prevail, they will win a victory in this battle for the emperor. Legionaries of Rome know no defeats.
Quickly given orders. Movement in the ranks of contradictory armies. Minute, another, third one. Phalanxes preparing for battle. It will be a great battle…
Two iron walls, bristling with swords and spears, which have moved towards each other. The fighting shouts, carried by a wind across the field of battle. The loud orders of commanders travelling by air. Fight began to boil …
His formation bit into enemy ranks. The exposed forward spear … a sword’s swing - and rival’s shaft flies aside. Forward strike – and enemy falls on the ground.
A blow on his armor from behind. He has reeled, but has resisted – armor has absorbed a blow. The turn towards new danger … a blade, sparkling in morning beams of the sun – and another opponent falls down.
A block. Someone from behind tries to strike at him again. A movement of blade downwards - and swift attack back without turning …
And yet again the blade flits in hands. Again, as countless times before, once the simple legionary, and now the leader of a phalanx – is in a fight, in glorious battle of great Roman empire. The shouts of battle and clanging of metal once again. Enemies, falling from blows of the blade. His comrades in arms, dying on the battlefield …
A battle once again. Battle of his empire – and his battle also. Glorious fight of grand empire …
* * *
The scientist and the researcher, the physicist and the chemist, the writer and the philosopher, a wise man. He was all of them - all of them were living in him. He devoted himself to work - for the queen, for commoners, for all citizens of his own country, for the ones in other. It was his life - his life of studying the world …
* * *
They were hunted and pursued. They were searched for and eliminated. They were hated - hated by those, who had not the slightest idea before of the right to execute and grant pardon, which they would soon gain. But they have gained this right – received it for murder and persecution of others, have chosen it as necessary step – the one, leading nowhere. But did they really know about it?
Prisons and colonies. Penal servitudes and executions without trial. The ruined families. The deformed destinies. The destroyed culture. It was horrible time …
* * *
He was the creator - one of those, loving his work - the artist and the writer of a new century. The century of creativity and freedom, a century of democracy of reasonable people – a century of peace, a century of creative recovery and inspiration. The century of world’s blossoming – century of sunrise.
He worked along with other people. Creativity for goodness became a symbol of the epoch. Virtue became a world star, the sincere love became the sun, tenderness became the drops of a rain irrigating the Earth, the purified human hearts - stars in a sky.
Wonderful epoch of sunrise and ascension …
* * *
Pictures emerged from his memory one after another and immediately rushed away into unknown lands.
Epochs and centuries, replacing each other. His life - his set of lives in this world, set of the ways, passed by him in different epochs. He was all of them … he was in many times.
Now, only now he has finally remembered it. He has remembered it at the long last - this memory of his ways was always with him, was in each new life, but only now he could feel and realize all immenseness of own life - and all its greatness. Lives in myriads of epochs, life in myriads of times. Myriads of lives in one of myriads of worlds.
How huge was his journey! How even longer and greater it can become! He has learnt much in this time - willpower in battles, determination and courage, fidelity and devotion, creativity as a life feat - all this became him. All this has grown and has assimilated in him.
He was in all - and all was in him. He was the creator, he, as well as others, was the creation of God – and was becoming his semblance.
The man has still stood for some time on his knees, listening to himself. This memory was with him - it always was with him. Now it was with him forever. He has already learnt much about himself and this world, but there is still even more left to discover. For his jouney– is a jouney in the immensity.
And then he stood up and with a confident gait has moved to an exit - and left a temple.
Has sighed deeply. So, this way has just begun – his work is awaiting him, his life is waiting for him. And let memory of this day never leave him - let it become the fire, guiding his way - a new journey in the transformed world.
So be it !
01.10.2010
- A difficult journey awaits you. This planet balances on the verge – and its fate lies on the bowls of scales of Universe. Either life or destruction awaits it further. But they have to choose their path themselves. Each of them will make his own choice.
- What should I do, Master ?
- You will be one of the warriors who have come into their world. You will have to fight, to struggle with injustice, to be upset of their imperfection. But remember well – this world balances on the verge, and it’s prohibited to bring chaotic elements in it. You will have to aid them to understand their ways – to help those who have heard you find a path to their bright destiny, which has always been waiting and still waits for them. To awake those fallen asleep, to encourage those sad, to give new powers to those joyful for bringing of good. Remember, though, that you cannot revive dead ones – there is neither this, nor the other world for them.
You will be one of many other, who will be send to this world – you will meet them in our life. You can unite forces – it will be easier for you to travel together. You will easily recognize them – your sensitive heart will not deceive you. When the knowledge of wonderful possibilities of spirit will be brought to this world, when consequences of various spiritual impulses will become obvious – then the planet will transform – as it was predicted. But keep in mind that to achieve this purpose all of you will have to battle – to battle against ignorance and cruelty, which continue to overflow this planet. You will have to fight – including those who have heard you and those awakened. They will have to understand it.
- Do they have any idea in what time they are living and what should they do to not allow the destruction of their interstellar home ?
- No. Only singles know about that – either those sent by Us, or those who have come to Us willingly in the course of their spiritual searches. Others either wander in own illusions, or close themselves by walls of negation – and that is one more reason of why intervention is necessary.
- Is there is a name in the history of their world, which has been given to this planet’s stage, when the first signs of its approaching became obvious ?
- Yes. They call it – Armageddon.
- What’s the name of this planet ?
- Its inhabitants call it “The Earth”.
- I have understood, Master. I am ready to accept my Way.
- We will meet you when you return. Remember of Us, and remember of them. The planet must survive.
- I am ready.
- Into the journey, warrior !
A flash of radiant shining light. The luminous spirit, shrouded in its beams, like in a cover. Next instance – and new dazzling stream of light engulfs him – and he disappears in the light.
* * *
One last effort of a mother – and the child was born. A pair of caring hands have immediately picked him up, wrapped up in a bed-sheet and went to wash. Only several minutes have passed – and the child was brought back to his mother.
The woman with tear-stained and happy face cuddles the child, silently and tenderly whispering something under her nose…
* * *
- Have you already made up your mind on how we should name him ? We have to give a worthy name to our little son.
- Yes, I have though up a name. We will name him Christian.
- Interesting. Why have you chosen such a name for him ?
- I … I don’t know … it’s simply … it’s as if someone has suggested it to me. I like this name. Let’s name him Christian, all right ?
- All right. I believe it’s quite a good name. Let it be Christian.
* * *
- Hey, you there, coward ! Have your wetted your panties out of fear already ?! Come, come here, mother’s sonny ! Such an assistant, oh yeah ! She is my girl and you will not touch her ! She needs no aid from you ! Have you got me, huh ?!
And little boy was taken on breast and uplifted.
- Have you understood me or not, I ask you ?! Stop keeping silence, you goat !
One more jerk. A blow in a stomach. Waves of pain, dispersing through body and the impossibility to make even a single breath. A hand, ready to strike again …
- Leave him be.
And a hand, trying to make a new blow, have been intercepted.
The attacker has turned back.
A boy of approximately the same age stood before him, only he was a bit higher. The guy, who has begun the attack, has jerked and pulled out his grasped hand.
- What the heck are you meddling in our affairs, aye ? Why have you come here, foul nit ? Who’s in the hells are you, bastard ?! This does not concern you, pig !
- Leave him alone. You have no intention to talk with him. You just want to cripple and frighten him.
This third one, who has disturbed this “talk” in such a wrong moment, was absolutely unnecessary here. And what’s even stranger – he showed no signs of fear at all. Only the calmness can be read in his eyes – and not even a fraction of dread. He has already learnt to see human fear, he read it time and again in the eyes of his victims – whether is was some cowardly excellent pupil or touch-me-not girlie.
But this one – he wasn’t afraid, wasn’t at all…
- I will repeat once again. Leave him be. You have already tormented enough people – it will be so no more. Not here anyway.
- What’s so bad that I’ve made, huh ?! What’s the bullshit are you saying, ram ! We were having a face-to-face “talk” here – and it’s not your fucked business to intervene ! This bastard was meddling with my girl, with my girl – do you understand ?! And now he is going to suffer punishment for it !
And once again he moved forward to the fellow, whom he has beaten recently, intending to continue fighting. Then the interfered little boy has risen between him and his target.
- Fine. Than you will have to deal with me.
The attacker just smiled.
- As you would have it, bastard !
He rose slowly from the ground. Approached that tormented scared fellow and put a hand on his shoulder.
- Have no fear. He will touch you no more. He now has someone to answer to for his crimes.
- T….thanks, for … for h…helping me.
Either the boy has not yet recovered from a punch in his stomach, or has still been experiencing dread.
- You don’t have to thank me. It's my debt. I have come here to perform own duties.
- And w…what wi..will be with … h… him?
- Him ? He has looked at recent tormentor, who bent and was still rolling from pain on the floor. He will touch you no more. And, well … he will recover soon enough. It should not concern you now.
- Ag…again thank you f…for you aid. H…how do I call you and w…why have you helped m…me ?
- You ask for my name, right ? They call me Christian. I have aided you simply because it’s my debt and because two warriors from one side never abandon each other on the field of battle.
And once again he has put his hand on boy’s shoulder, and, having smiled, has friendly shaken it.
* * *
- Please, get rid of your anger. You do not currently comprehend all consequences of your condition, and not only those consequence for you, but also for people who surround you in these moments.
- Stop poking me here ! Have your fun poking another, for you are like mummy’s child to me ! And it’s none of your business ! How would you behave if some slink had robbed you ?!
- I say “you” because I consider you as equal, as one inhabitant of this world to similar another. Your anger is pointless – event has already occurred, and it’s your past now. The thief is gone. One can regret his past, love it or hate it, but cannot change it. It cannot be brought back to be lived through once again – possible, differently. But each moment of your life is already becoming a past in this very instant – and so you have to live it to not only having no regrets after, but making it a new source of power in present.
- I do not understand you.
- Many of you are unable to do that, unfortunately. And nevertheless they should start realizing, where is the truth and where does lie lurk in the course of their own spiritual quest. Time never waits. It’s already running out.
* * *
And nevertheless it was wonderful here. Despite all the absurd and discrepancies, which have been brought here by capricious reason of this world’s inhabitants, it was great. The very atmosphere of this small shelter in a much bigger haven was pure.
- Would you like to confess, my child ?
- I thank you, but I must refuse – I will confess only before my divine Father. And for all my errors and mistakes I will answer only before Him as well.
- Oh, is that really so ? After all, you are not without a sin, my son.
- That’s true indeed. But I will redeem all my faults and nonsenses, once made by me in different lives – and, possibly, in this one too, - with my own life. Simply because it’s the only way ever possible and there are no others.
- But God himself has granted its servants the right to atone for sins of others and to pardon them. Those forgiven by us are forgiven by Him.
- How cheap your forgiveness must be ! I wonder whether it costs 30 silver coins ? But you have completely misunderstood the writings you managed keep – even if it has been deformed by your servants at earlier stages, how is it ever possible to talk about full accuracy of its interpretation ? There is no such law in the Universe, which would allow one spirit to forgive the other for mistakes, made by him, and in one lapse to cancel all their consequences. Another spirit can help only those coming to an end of the expiation – but it’s the man himself who walks the path of redemption.
- You are speaking of blasphemy, my child ! How can you judge what is true, and what is false, when we have a live proof of validity of all the laws, honored by us, given to us from the above ?
- You have understood a lot correctly, but, unfortunately, not all. The shortest and ones of great importance words on the planet, on the planets, are “God”, “Love”, “Peace”, “Eternity” – you have understood this right. The world lives in and is driven by love – by love of the God to His creations and His creations to Him and to each other. The Universe is eternal as you are – and this, unfortunately, not all have yet realized.
- Only the God is eternal, my child – but we are all mortal ones. Only by righteous deeds in His cause in this mortal life can we hope to reach life eternal.
- But you are eternal. Both I am, and you are, and each of us. Planets can be scattered to ashes, but we will live on. Another subject, however, is that you have really decided to destroy this planet into ashes, trying to repeat sad destiny of a predecessor civilization, for which this planet was too their space shelter in due time.
- This is untrue! Those sinning and having not repented do not live forever ! The fate of theirs is the fiery hell and eternal torments !
- Eternal tortures for mistakes of only a single life ? For the errors, made by a human on a very short part of his way ? Certainly, there are the acts which extend their consequences on a lots of lives. To fall once and to rise from the falling during many centuries – it’s a sad fate indeed. Many, however, prefer to dive into such depths, whence they cannot get out anymore, - therefore for them consequences of their actions may become similar to being eternal. But nevertheless – they are not endless, they can occupy many lives, but still are not eternal. But the true meaning of life lies not in the endless sinning and atonement, after all ! It’s in the creativity for good sake, in aiding your fellows, in walking your own bright path through the challenges of Universe – have you truly understood that ? Have all your so-called wise man understood that ?
- How dare you defile a Divine Word ! You will not be able to stay in this house, devoted to Him, anymore ! We have His Word !
- And that is great. Follow the way of everything blessed, granted to you. Grow this blessed seed in yourself – only then you can count on your perfection, only then you will move closer to your Father. Remember, each of us is His creation, and each of us is eternal. We are all Gods – at least in the potential. As His fraction, possessing all His traits in a germ, we can travel a path from a human– through the angelic human – to the incarnated God himself. And yet we can still remain at an animal stage – some of us have been living so for countless centuries without change – and the fate of those is truly unenviable. It’s for us to decide that – for everyone, and this is our most important and most fateful choice.
- This is enough ! I will not bear your presence here any longer ! Leave this house of our Lord now !
- Farewell, father.
* * *
Planet – garden ? What a bullshit ! I will rather believe in the mechanized iron planet !
Love makes the world go around ? It’s the physical strength that moves it !
There are other inhabited words ? But our apparatus haven’t discover any signs of life on the planets which are accessible to us – all worlds must be lifeless ! We are the unique source of life in the entire Universe !
A man can emit light ? Are you even in your mind ?! Tell me now, that space is filled with invisible green little men !
A man is capable to change the world surrounding him with his own thoughts ? Oh, yeah, sure ! I can surely change it with my own hands, but thoughts … I haven’t even heard a bigger nonsense than this !
I am a potential God ? I am a human ! And leave all those potential for someone else to care !
My feelings create the radiations, affecting me and my neighbors ? I bear a responsibility for negative feelings ? I would rather now affect you in a … hm … real way – hit your dummy head with my fists !
Space is not empty ? It’s filled with the essence of ours ? Yeah, yeah, do not lie like a gas meter ! Scientists haven’t even discovered anything like that – and it simply does not exist ! What ? Whether I can feel a difference between a temple and a prison’s atmospheres ? Certainly, no ! Wonder why ? Cause there is none !
How does a person feel a glance ? What sort of noticed flashing spark can arise between two people ? There are just two options here – either it all seems to you, or you have a really diseased imagination !
How did Christ cured people ? Oh, heck, here you are again, starting to tell tales about him. I have heard plenty of those tales in my childhood already ! No more !
Armageddon? Time of challenges? We are stuffed with these children fairy tales already, feed someone else with them ! We are adult and disbelief in such nonsense !
* * *
He was standing, surrounded by several tens of his allies. Awakened warriors of this world.
- We will not despair, and we will not turn back. Do you remember, how you have aided me when I was still a a schoolboy? You have helped me out of pure motivation. The world needs same sort of aid now.
- Yes, George, I remember. I have not forgotten. You are right, we will not surrender. We will keep working.
- What wasn’t possible today, would blossom tomorrow ! How wonderfully you have spoken that day !
Alice has approached him and smiled.
- The faithful one never gives up, the knowing one will bring his knowledge into the world to disseminate darkness of ignorance!
And once again Pavel has repeated his words told by him once.
- Dragons of rage will be defeated !
- Let the spiritual joy blossoms!
- Let each new day be truly new!
He heard these words, and tears have filled his eyes – even though he almost never cried.
It seemed that all of them have decided to remind him his last years of life in this world. They repeated his words – each one repeated something most dear to his heart. They all approached him and friendly clapped on his shoulder, encouraging. They – awakened brave warriors of this world.
- Yes, my friends. We will continue our struggling. We have a path, chosen by us, and our debt lies before us. We should help people understand a lot of things – but each one of them should also feel by himself where does a truth and a lie rests. The planet must survive. We have done much, but should make even more.
Our dreams live in the heart of the Universe and I beg my divine Father for the bright day, when they will come true, to come at the long last.
02.10.2010
Hello.
Forgive me, for I have not spoken with you for such a long time. For long, inadmissibly long I have been occupied by things which seemed the only important ones to me, the only deserving attention. And in this race, in this never-ending inconceivable bustle I have almost forgotten about you, have almost left you alone. I have no time left even to speak.
I know, I always knew, how important it is for you – to feel, that you are not forgotten, that you are important to someone. That somewhere someone is awaiting you, awaiting your return. That he will happily embrace you when you will appear again on a threshold of his house.
And now you have returned.
You have travelled by novel and unknown ways for so long – and this world is so full of dangers. But no – you have passed all of them, travelled effortlessly – so easily, as if the knowledge of how to bypass them was always with you, since your very birth … as though they were not even obstacles, promising danger, - but some mysterious, wonderful game … and you sincerely enjoyed it.
Forgive me that you had to knock on my doors several times – that I did not hear you from the beginning. I have almost ceased to believe in your returning.
You know, I have been thinking about you since the very moment you left me. The anger, hatred, rage, melancholy, despair - all of them replaced each other as in a kaleidoscope. All of them dropped on me like an icy-cold stream, depriving of powers and heat.
Yes, there were also joyful moments – small sparkles, which have flown away from an unknown fire, and flashed before eyes for an instant, before being dissolved into non-existence again. I have even managed to be happy all years of your absence – but only now I have become truly happy, when you have returned at last. As if I have yet again found something, I have been searching for all my life … something of the utmost importance.
And if you have returned – you must have forgiven me.
Come closer, allow me to embrace you. You have changed … you are completely different now. We both are no longer the ones we used to be.
You have grown up … became stronger. Truly, this life has taught you much – though what can we teach the wizard, capable to change the world ?
Approach me, stand no at a house threshold, for this house is our common one. It will always be this way from now on. Now we will be together again, together again – like in the old times, incalculable years ago.
We will be together, for we are the one. I and You. You and I.
I – human … and You – the eternal child in my soul …
28.09.2010
- Yes, doc ? What have you ?
- The newcomer. Our guys have picked him up from a doss house.
- Humiliated and offended one, or so to say ?
- Sort of. Was wandering around, singing songs. Was still whispering some nonsense under his nose, while was carried here – perhaps, believed, that we haven’t heard all that, - nay, heard, all his bullshit we’ve heard ! Well-well, where will we place him, huh ? He’s still hot – cause recently caught, or so to speak.
- And what exactly was this nonsense about ? Something about the Doomsday yet again, I take it ? We’ve tons of these homebrew Nostradamuses nowadays in our wards already.
- Well … not exactly .. or so I hope. You know, doc, I didn’t listen very attentively to all his rubbish – wanna still remain healthy, you know. But, nevertheless, I’ve heard something interesting.
- Boofhead – cloven-hoofed ! Go ahead, drag it all out, this plain truth !
- Well … in general … first of all he was saying that he’s been living here for a very long time already.
- You mean, in that doss house of his ?
- Not at all, that’s the very point ! He’s been living on the Earth for a long time ! That he’s, ostensibly, almost immortal, sort of. That he’s come to all of us once again, cause he has been called.
- Called ? By whom, I wonder ? Whether it was this sick imagination of his, hmmm ?
- Dunno know, he didn’t tell. Well, then, he has been called, yes, and not alone, but together with others – well, sort of his brothers, or something of that kind. Called ones, so I take it. That they all have come to help us awaken, cause the time is already upon us.
- The time, you say ? What’s time is that ? Whether it’s not the half of twelfth on our clock already, ha-ha !
- No way, sort of intended time, predicted.
- And what’s that – to wake up ? I take it that we both are not sleeping, or have I stopped understanding something in this our lives anymore, hmm ?
- Who’s the hell knows ! He also mentioned, that we are sleeping with still opened eyes, and that, well … those ones will have a harsh time, when that very time comes. That time will not wait for those not ready to awaken.
- Curios git'to !
- Like the mosquito ! Hell, doc, listen further what he was telling ! He also told, that he has remembered himself, or someone has aided him to remember. That previously he was fighting with a sword in fights just, and today has changed iron blade with an invisible blade of word, able to strike the darkness of human hearts even more precisely. That he’s been collecting pearls of last paths, scattered in world’s dust and forgotten, one by one … told something about the déjà vu. He also told, that he was searching for his family … true, real family of those similar in spirit. That he’s awakened partially, and desires to finally open still half-closed eyes. That he is a man of many names and still he has none at the same time. That he was born, died and forgot, born, died and forgot time and again.
- An amnesia, huh ?
- He finally said in the end, that the world will change very soon … greatly change. That many of us will not have enough time to realize all that … they will – but too late … All filth will emerge on a surface and become visible in the dimmed light … That we should love each other, appreciate life, keep faith … you know, I’ve ceased to listen from that point.
- And right were you ! No reason to listen to cranky ones at all ! To remain healthy ones, we all need to …
- Drop the guns ! Doc, you haven’t heard the last part of this story ! He, well, approached me finally – when we were dragging him here in the car … approached easily so, sat down, looked into my eyes … Doc, you should have seen this mixture of grief and at the same time some internal joy, tranquility of sorts, I cannot simply put it in words – I have nearly sunk in his eyes during that instance ! And then he started looking into my eyes for longer and I … I give you a word ! – it was like goose bumps running all over my back – as though he has started reading my soul like an opened book, do you understand ? That sort of sensation it was, no other ! And then he just began to speak of all my life, both of a fate and a lot – of what torments me and why I’ve become who I am at present, and that even if I am a small man, I still can have a good role indented to me … he’s told it all ! I even couldn’t say anything during that very instant from amazement – was looking into this eyes of his with a mouth wide opened, like the insolent loony !
- Well, you, colleague, just listen to all those loonies for quite a time and, perhaps, even the saliva will start dropping from that mouth of yours ! All right, that’s enough already. Place him in the six ward along with the second Napoleon. That’s the fitting place for him – and a fitting time.
- A fitting time … yes, a fitting … time.
- Well, did he at least have his documents on him ? What should I write down in our papers about him ?
- You know, doc, the strangest thing is … - and the speaker has sadly looked at his mentor, - he had no documents … and he himself asked us to call him – the Nameless One…
01.11.2010
One day you will awake, and your former world will die for you forever. It will thaw in beams of the morning sun of new day, it will disappear like night autumn fog, it will evaporate as former tears on someone's face dry up. It will be no more – as if it has never been before.
At first you will not feel it, you will not realize, what has changed inside you…what was so yesterday – and today became differently. But the old habitual world of yours will be no more, ever.
Something will change inside you, something so imperceptible and hidden…sleeping … in you before. Something will turn in you at last, something so ancient as Universe itself. Something will finally manage to come to light – and you will not recognize this new world.
You will come to a window, open it and look out … you will see that rising sun which has decorated heavens … will realize how the fresh wind hammered into an open window sways your hair and tickles your face … will feel a moisture on your skin, brought by it from unknown lands … will hear, how amusingly beeping those cars of people, travelling to work, on the ground … will see, how these funny men run below, always trying to not be late somewhere … will notice, how some bird rushed through the skies just before your new window to this world … and will be so surprised, how did you not notice all of this earlier.
You will not understand at first. Since these times it would be your insoluble question – how was it possible not to feel, not to realize all this earlier … how was it possible to live almost blindly.
You just will not realize it. You will not realize, for what unknown purpose have you lived differently before, why that gamma of feelings pouring through your heart now, – why was it inaccessible to you earlier and wonderfully became accessible now … just stretch your hand.
This will become an eternal riddle of your life, which you will not want to solve – for it will not be necessary henceforth. For in these very moments your old world will be no more.
You will be unable to tell, where has this feeling of greatest respect to the world, in which you have the luck to live, and all things living, come from. You will not know where have all your constant anxieties suddenly vanished and where has your grief gone.
Where has your desire to struggle for your personal sort of justice dissapeared and from where the feeling of absolute internal tranquility and acceptance of everything what occurs has come from?
Where has the feeling of own greatness has vanished and why it has been suddenly washed off by the arisen ocean of love to another ?
Why don’t you want to continue proving something to someone, argue with somebody, to put clever and silly arguments pro's and con's, and instead you are ready to simply look at these disputes between others and to smile to their childishness?
How, why, what for your interests, that had been so important previously, were somehow forgotten and faded, as though they never existed … for what reason did a single feeling replaced them – to always see this world as beautiful, as you see it now ?
Why did other adult and serious people suddenly began to seem to you as small children, battling in own created sandboxes with each other - and sometimes even so funny and diligently throwing handfuls of sand at each other … and sometimes even wiping the face, full of tears, with their small lovely palms ?
Where has all your former anger gone and why do you now greet and shake hands of your former immemorial enemies – and your soul exults, seeing, how their faces are changed, when you affably smile to them and stretch your hand …?
Why do you now approach the bed where your beloved one still sleeps, what for do you sit down on the edge near him, why do you bow to him and kiss, and then lean your head to his own … where has this tenderness, overflowing you, come from ?
What for, what for do you need all this ? Where has your old world gone ?
An instant fear will pierce you. You will be frightened by what has occurred to you. You will not know how to live on with this new feeling of yours. You will passionately want to return back, to life so habitual for you - so reasonable and logical. The mind will keep saying that you have not had time to do so many things - have not had time to build the house, to make your career, to do this, to do that, - and if you will accept your new world, you cannot do it anymore … simply will not see the point. And you will want to listen to him to strongly, for he has aided you in this life for so many times already – and you will almost make it …
But then you would suddenly remember as the sun shined on you – surprisingly beautiful for all these years, how wind pulled out your hair, how you felt an autumn moisture on your lips, how you saw a flying deciduous round dance, and how love to the world overflowed you … and you will throw away these impudent attempts of mind to spoil this beauty – for you will not want to lose it anymore.
There will be many years after – but they all will be different.
Your sleepy life will come to an end – and will not be repeated anymore. You will at last manage to see this world such what it always was for those who saw – and what is became for you from now on.
Both rising and falling, both success and failure, both joy and grief will happen as usual – but all of them will be different. They all will become a reflection of the wonderful new world, to which you have once – in that memorable day – come, and in which you are living now.
Just … just because something, that has been sleeping in you for so long, will once come to light.
Just because one day you will awake …
30.09.2010
Not knowing the ford, do not confuse the issue.
* * *
Soon the fairy tale flies, life moves slower to sunrise.
* * *
Through the dirt on foreign horse back to dearest home, of course.
* * *
One, two, three, then add some stench - one is master of shortchange.
* * *
Every pig’s in love with shed.
To ruin life each idler’s glad.
* * *
Every law has just two sides.
Made for rich, for beggar - bites.
* * *
Russia is a gentle soul.
Each day’s milked with a bowl.
* * *
Early to rise and early to bed - those with no wife will appreciate that.
* * *
Word is a sparrow? No.
Have taken off? Watch flow!
* * *
Feeding wolf, just keep in thought - it will eat, but yelp will not.
* * *
From the work you dare crawl? Work’s not wolf, won’t ever howl.
* * *
From all imaginable and known to humankind medicines the greatest one, being incredibly effective and having no side effects, only good nature stands above all-others.
* * *
Almost everyone dreams of himself as being exclusive in this life, yet even the most exclusive ones are being excluded from this life once.
* * *
It’s incredibly easy to become a man, when you have idea of how he should look like. It’s incredibly difficult to become a man, when you know what it should be like.
* * *
There are no insolvable problems - simply there are problems which no one ever seriously tried to solve.
There are no insoluble problems - simply there are problems which no one ever desires to solve.
There are no problems at all - there is simply always something, worth improving.
* * *
When we are happy with our beloved ones - we call it love.
When we are respected and reckoned with - we call it love.
When they are ready for a heroic deed for our sake - we call it love.
But who will call a feat of love the ability to pass through all trials and hardship of life, still remaining immensely grateful to it?
* * *
The more we love the woman -
The stronger suffer then,
If suddenly are doomed
To change the marriage’s plan.
* * *
The life is good for wings, not foot.
* * *
Crawled from mud - yet still not glad.
* * *
Everything must be beautiful in a man.
The face, eyes, ears … and especially his life and death.
* * *
From old sin you are not free - yet it’s better than new three.
* * *
If one’s rigid as a rode - they won’t break, but bend a lot.
* * *
Sinning not, you won’t confess. No confession - lots of stress.
* * *
Sleep is lie, yet has a hint - it is sub consciousness’ hidden glint.
* * *
The more downwards you slide, the harder it’s to do things right.
* * *
Virtue’s truly not a whip. If don’t help - they’ll simply kick.
* * *
Never stood where it did hit, or it’ll make a second bid.
* * *
Who is the most clever, finer and wiser?
Surely, the one who doesn’t consider himself as such.
* * *
All’s well that ends well. And even if it’s ending badly, it’s still well - because it’s coming to an end.
* * *
Trust in force? Prepare for fray. Trust in kindness? Love and pray.
* * *
Old man-friend will never rant.
* * *
Human law is strangest thing - looks so fine, and somehow stinks.
* * *
You have wisdom? Leave a mind. You have reason? Fly with wind.
* * *
Beggar’s fate is on the stake? Rich one’s innards - foul fake.
* * *
Foe has fallen in his pits? Now examine how he fits.
* * *
Seven one bear a single one (a funeral procession).
* * *
The eight world’s wonder - is Chukotka’s thunder.
* * *
Blind for blind’s not mentor, stroller - he’s fairy tales storyteller.
* * *
When old ones we kindly teach - holes of ignorance thus stitch.
* * *
Gorilla-man with no ideas? He’s a bouncer, dear peers.
* * *
The priest’s full of shame - from God received no fame.
* * *
Mind, no reason - that’s a trouble; word, no sense - exploded bubble.
* * *
Death will find the reason, liar will find the treason.
* * *
He is angry - yet not stout, he is learned - yet not proud.
* * *
Behind affairs day is lost if for this day you did the most.
* * *
Because so randomly they speak, wisdom there never seek.
* * *
Hasn’t put - to search don’t try, has ignored - never cry.
* * *
Don’t yell “go” until harnessed, rush to toilet until stressed.
* * *
Hurry up - live not in haste, gather up - enjoy the place.
* * *
Have all branches - yet no log, have no car - yet feel the smog.
* * *
One way thinking - sign of fool, for the soul mind is tool.
* * *
Alms for poor is at least for a rainy day a grist.
* * *
Fists are truly useless tools when you battle total fools.
* * *
To marry early - to be late, let own life walk measured grade.
* * *
Just one kind word - a pearl in grease, to being modest one can cease.
* * *
Every lock pick fits the master, every thief for rich’s - disaster.
* * *
And like the water whole world - it always change its final port.
* * *
A belly of beer vodka’s can’t hear.
* * *
Strict is our order, yes - yet it’s stronger than the press.
* * *
A prayer was hot, donations were not.
* * *
Many prophets, but one God.
* * *
He looks so glad this way and that, but just look closer - one is mad.
* * *
He’s naked, yet not trifle - his hands, look, holds a rifle.
* * *
Whose all with kindness treated - he will be never cheated.
* * *
Beat and fight - don’t die outright.
* * *
What we have we value not, when it’s lost then all we scold.
* * *
When you are rich, you lost the joy - and to be poor isn’t ploy.
* * *
Out of sight - out of fright.
* * *
With no money dream is stronger, but with money even longer.
* * *
One rouble for work, two hundred for the praise, and ten for the tips - men’s charity ways.
* * *
One must always move ahead to be happy, never sad.
* * *
It’s better keep sleeping without the yelling than constantly spitting in own home’s ceiling.
* * *
When one starts to move uphill, he starts to pay life’s bill.
* * *
Life is happy, never poor when it’s crystal and it’s pure.
* * *
You’ll see both good and bad until you go to bed.
* * *
Each your mood - and that is true - gives a birth to point of view.
* * *
The sex was easy, birth is hard - that’s why the harlot’s never glad.
* * *
You want to dream? Dispose of club. You want be warmed? Learn to rub.
* * *
Pincers aren’t good - never go to wood.
* * *
One man is not a man - no foe to battle then.
* * *
How many times it was then told -
Don’t shit in public for comfort!
* * *
Let’s child play, enjoy and clap - unless he’s trying to hang up.
* * *
Sandpiper’s great in the swamp just like the genie is great in lamp.
* * *
Each one’s needed in his place, almost all ones lost its trace.
10.04.2011
- Stand up, the court is beginning !
- Stand up, everyone. Thanks ! Now sit down, please. I declare a hearing on a poet’s case opened. I would like to remind both the prosecutor and the advocate that we are dealing with an extremely dangerous social element, masking under an assumed name, and unreasonably stating about the beginning of yet not totally clear cardinal changes of all world order.
- An earth world order, mister judge, - so the accused one told us.
- Yes, I thank you, an accuser, for this clarification. All visible earth world order. What naivety !
- Mister judge, shall I start ?
- Yes, certainly. We will first listen to the prosecution. You certainly have something to tell us, yes ?
- Indeed I have ! So, well, first of all I would like to ask jurymen and everybody in this hall to pay attention to this, if it’s even possibly to say so, creative individual. Just look at what mad sight he possesses … how these very eyes sparkle with some strange and daring fire ! And what an unprecedented impudence it is – to write about eternal life and potential human immortality ! We, both judges and admirers of classical literature, have learnt since school years one simple truth : trust, but check ! And this very check of his frankly crazy literature trash cannot withstand any serious criticism. A mankind have been learning this for a long time, - and it’s proven by views of true representatives of Christian belief, officially fixed on a paper, - that a human as a being, possibly possessing some sort of soul, still lives one and only one life and is resolutely incapable of revival in new appearances. Let us not take into consideration all that absurd, flying from mouths of those so-called spiritual leaders of the East, for they do not even worth a single bit of criticism. What completely nonsense is the statement, that a man did not die, pray tell, gathered Lords ? Alas, by the will of God himself we were made mortal, for from the ashes we are born and to the ashes we go. Alas, but such is the world order that we are capable to comprehend … and during seven thousands of years we, I bet, have managed to understood it up and down ! And, just because man is a being essentially frankly and suddenly mortal, so, these “writings” about endless life and, as a consequence, the New World, is simply a delirium of a feeble-minded ! And that very individual, facing you, is indeed a mad one, for only crazy ones are capable to create similar stuff so selflessly and disinterestedly. I confirm, that maybe accused one really possesses some creative gift, but who can give a guarantee, that these are not the intrigues of enemies of human race, desiring to ruin and destroy all our stability once and for all ? We just cannot make up with his nonsense, for his statements undermine all basis of the managed statehood, which we have been building for quite a while. And, besides, - they undermine almost all our cultural beliefs, all our traditions, foundations, rituals, habits and even prejudices, eventually ! Here is before you, mister judge, and I will not escape this word, is simply and plainly a spiritual terrorist ! He is the enemy of our entire society, of all our ideals, for which we have been preparing this very society for many years already … he is plainly a madman ! He is capable of ruining all our tradition, our power, all that stability, which we have been trying to achieve. He just simply scoffs at people and brainwashes them … they would better watch that television, drink and guzzle, after all, than read so mind-corrupting verses ! The past cannot come back and be returned – and this means that men cannot be revived, whether from ashes or from something similar, it’s absolutely impossible, I simply refuse to believe that, mister judge – and I hope that you share my fears, concerning similar potential sudden changes of spiritual consciousness of people, conducted by us. This change is absolutely undesired by us, - as well as the world does not desire similar madmen.
Look, just take a single look at how false and pathetically accused one is now trying to look me in the face … brrrrggghh ! My skin is just starting to crawl, mister judge, - for there is something, something really terrible in his eyes, - as well as in this person. We cannot allow him to influence minds of those loyal to us, to make him pervert them and take away from a path of patriotism and holy belief – that very orthodox belief, which he tramples with each word, each hint, each appeal to break down spiritual fetters ! How is that possible to consider oneself a believing person – and not to follow all canons and rituals of orthodox church ? How is that ever possible to assert, that God never lived in temples ? How is that possible to deny all moral advantage of fanatical patriotism ? How is that possible to oppose politics of free mixture of blood of different people throughout all territory of our state with no priorities to its native population ? How is that possible not to recognize so democratically elected government, after all ? Terrorist, he is one of the most dangerous terrorists in the entire history of our state !
All of you have seen his works, and our psychotherapists have recently also taken out their professional conclusion : this man is mad ! And this statement is proven by leading country’s physicians in their official conclusions, which I am eager to present to your attention, mister judge, as well as to the attention of jurymen. Therefore I warmly ask you, mister judge, to stop any further fatal activity of this individual and to place him where he should belong, - to imprison him in a psychiatric clinic for years to come, up to that day, when a Savior himself, if He even exists, of course, in a flesh and with His entire glory will descend into our world to aid our just souls to escape the bosom of shades without any efforts from our side !
Mister judge, I have finished speaking.
- I thank you for such a long and touching … I would even say warm … speech. And, I believe, that all those gathered in this hall, his relatives included, are extremely touched by such boldness and frankness of yours ! Well, and now, I guess, it’s still necessary to listen to the advocate, if he, of course, has something valuable to tell to those gathered in this hall today. Defense, the word is given to you right now.
- I thank you, mister judge. You know, I am in deep love with my profession, and it’s not I who should tell you, how it’s very necessary for all of us to behave with concern to others, trying to help, but … you know, mister judge, I believe that this is just not the case. I tried to, I would really like to be humane and capable to tell something considerable and important in the justification of my defendant, but … I have no words to make that today. I … do not see sufficient reasons for the accused to be somehow pardoned or justified. As well as the prosecution I consider his isolation from society a necessity – for as long as possible. I have had my say.
- Well … I thank you. You can take a seat. How do you believe, accuser, is there is a reason to ask opinion of the accused one ?
- I … do not believe that opinion of a madman can have any sense at all, mister judge.
- In that case the court leaves for decision-making.
* * *
- Everybody, stand up ! Thanks. Now please sit down. Based on the indications of defense and prosecution and having taken into consideration opinion of jurymen, the court has decided : to recognize accused one as deranged and, as a consequence, incapacitated and to imprison him in a psychiatric hospital for a term of at least one year with possibility of its further prolongation, according to the independent medical expertise. This sentence is definitive and is not subject to appeal. Please escort the accused one to a place of his future settlement immediately. And may the God help him !
* * *
They laughed loudly and mocked him. They spat in his face. They frankly exulted.
- So, have they caught you, Napoleon-of-all-the-Russia ?
- Place him in the six chamber !
- The author burns ! The chamber waits !
- You’ve been caught, the sentence’s terse … what a funny, such cool verse !
The first aid brigade has put an immobilizing white shirt on a person and dragged him through all area up to a car, parked nearby and howling with all voices of the underworld. The person did not resist – for now it was unnecessary.
The crowd shouted and aspired to snatch on the newly made prisoner, and separate group of agents of national security, accompanying physicians, had to push aside those too quick.
The man was needed for a regime alive. A living sign of its victory over own conscience and honour.
Still recently solar sky suddenly began to become covered by clouds. They crept and crept one after another from the horizon, covering each other and quickly closing a firmament. After a ten-fifteen minutes time span the sky has become almost completely black. Soon the first lightning sparkled and rain began to drum on a roadway with its large juicy drops.
The storm was almost ready to be born.
The sky conducted its own sentence to each and every living one.
27.01.2011
A blow. And yet another one.
Small streams of blood, flowing down from a torn apart skin.
Pain. Waves of pain, twitching the body in spasms, dimming the reason.
Desperate silent semi-cry, full of indescribable grief.
Angry face of the father, bent absolutely close. Naked wide-open eyes … a sight, filled with rage and fury.
Pain again, as always. More. Even more.
A lump of something warm, stuck in a throat, leaving no way to make a breath. A spittle on a floor - a spittle with blood.
- Father, stop it ! I b-b-b-b-e-e-e-g-g-g you … what f-o-o-r-r-r?!
- You, pitiful moron! Didn’t I tell you, that you must speak with adults politely and with all imaginable respect?! Especially with one such as I! How have you dared to call me an insect? How have you dared to name your father as such?! You, ungrateful degenerate! Take that, you, bastard! Take it, maggot!
A rattle, coming from a throat. It’s possible to breath no more.
- Stop it, now! Why are you beating my child again, you, fool! What sort of vile beast are you? Stop it now - you are going to kill him!
A voice of his mother, which had hardly reached his consciousness - silent and tender voice, which has become both firm as a stone and yet somehow completely broken. It always was like that when his father punished him. But yet no more than that.
- Silence, woman! You are not in position to give me orders here! I am in charge here, and you - you will carry out my will! That bastard has dared to call me an insect - and I do not forgive such foolishness! Did you hear me right?! I am a man to be proud and not some little pitiful louse - and I grant no forgiveness for such mistakes. Ever!
A new blow, time and again. How damn painful is that … His body didn’t become iron, no matter how strongly he thirsted for it in times …
And once again a voice of his mother breaches through the invisible veil - but this time it’s so quite … almost silent. How strange … does she speaks like that … or has he already ceased to hear?
A blow.
World changed - all sounds simply vanished. Judging by faces of his parents, it was obvious, that they were still arguing - but he heard them no longer.
It appeared that father shouted something once in response to his wife, but then, suddenly, confusion break through to his face, and he almost lowered his hand, carrying a weighty wooden club … But - just for an instance. Only partially. Suddenly his face once again altered his form to a furious and terribly repellent kind. He turned back to his child. Now. He is going to strike once more now …
A blow. A blow. A blow.
A breaking wood. A new flash of pain.
The world dimmed.
* * *
A low voice, caressing hearing like warm waves of a sea surf. A bent face of his mother over his own. A flowing calm song.
A mix of gray and fair hair. Gray-haired … But she, his lovely mum, was yet so young … I must have the strength to sustain it. I have to - no matter what. I am obliged. No other choice is an option. I must.
And the oblivion comes again.
He opened his eyes. Indeed, it’s still his world, the one he was born in. A kind one?
Mother, his dear mother has always been telling him, that this world is the one people see it - and the one they aspire to make it. The world becomes as such to every and each one. Good or evil, beautiful or ugly, full of incredible mysteries or totally senseless. It’s impossible to say how, but the personal world becomes as such, time and again.
He closed his eyes. The hearing was slowly returning, and his body, though hardly, was gradually starting to be felt.
Then he fell asleep once more - and has been sleeping for a long time. It seemed to him as if the whole eternity has passed before his sleeping eyes, though in reality it was, possibly, less than a whole day. He heard voices of people - heard their laughter and felt their joy. He exulted together with them, he sand with them all and his voice somehow intertwined in the common harmony of voices and then a song-joy, a song-triumph sounded even finer and happily. He rejoiced along with others - ones, able to rejoice. He loved life - despite obstacles, despite troubles. Indeed, he loved the life …
And then he suddenly woke up …
* * *
A young man woke up and shook his head somehow awkwardly, trying to drive away recent delusion of a beating. Was that really a delusion, though?
No. He perfectly did know that it happened once - was part of his past. Indeed, he remembered it - what for, why couldn’t he just threw away all these fragments of former memory of own tortures, why his devoted memory had no desire to do such a thing? For what unknown purpose did it store these old memories of years long since gone? Who knows for sure …
He tried to drive these events from his thoughts so hardly, so strenuously thirsted to forget them … But - no way, it wasn’t possible until now.
Why even now, when he was given so much by this life at last … his beloved woman, who is so close to his heart and who understands him from a half-word, loving deeply; fine job, allowing him to aid lots of people; glory, riches, recognition, success … why even now these terrible images - monsters of his past - still haunt him, flowing before his eyes time and again, as always? A reminder of what he had to suffer?
A warning?
Enough of running away, he thought suddenly. Enough of fearing. Enough of remembering of this and enough of constant milling it in own memory. The time has come to forgive people at last - to forgive for errors, to forgive and release this pain from oneself.
To forget - and to forgive. To forgive - and to forget.
And then, having faced a window and lifted eyes towards to ascending morning sun, he cried out: - “Father, I do forgive you now for all the pain and sufferings, which you have caused me. I forgive you and let you go in peace. Go now your own path. We will part our ways with no rage and hatred. Let you be forgiven by me!”
He cried all that loudly and joyfully. He cried as though warriors do after a long-desired victory.
- I forgive you! Let it be so!
- “Let it be so”, - his voice was carried far away to surroundings …
And just a moment later a wonderful music, a music of joy and triumph filled his ears. It was his own music - that one of his childhood.
A sign of his way.
03.04.2011
Yet I don’t want to die, my friend
In clocks of life there is still sand,
There is no way for saturation
For I do thirst for inspiration.
Yes, I know – time cannot be turned back. Yes, I know – mistakes of the past cannot be reversed. Yes, I know – how I was wrong for all my life and became truly right only right now. I love you how I did not love anyone in this world. And I loved much.
People deceived and betrayed me. They destroyed my illusion of own loneliness for short durations, only to let me feel again, how illusionary were my conceptions of it as of illusion. They loved and hated med simultaneously, for their love is so much like hate. And I loved them even for that. When a painful silence falls upon you like a heavy press, you even start to rejoice to a shout from own pain.
I truly loved you, loved you as no other woman in this immensely dim world. I was sort of an entertainment for them – a toy, which they threw away with pleasure the time it bored them, not wishing to understand, that even toy have a living heart. And in this amusing game they, almost like me, tried to escape from comprehension that sometime they too will be left alone with themselves – and along with you. Perhaps, I love you for that too – that you have always been near me imperceptibly, no matter wherever and whoever I was. You, probably, don’t know about it yet, but thereby you also invisibly aided me – helped true me not to lost in this false vanity of life. You have appeared to be the most true and devoted of all the women, known to me. You have become your full antithesis for me, actually.
Sometimes I called for you in a vain hope to be heard. It seemed to me that you have completely forgotten about me and will never shine the temple of my soul with your presence anymore. I have almost started to believe, that even the most devoted ones are capable of betrayal.
Yes … I see, I feel, how passionately do you desire to turn and face all these big and little ones, stepped over the border of their conscience, how deeply you want to shout to them all, that it’s only you, it’s only you, my beloved one, have never betrayed and deceived me, that only you always treated me so gently and carefully, as no other living being is ever capable of. For only you know, what is an inescapable heart pain … and only you have a cure for it.
But even you have come too late.
For I am not the one I used to be already. Something has parted with me – something imperceptibly important and indescribable in words. Belief ? Hope ? Love ? But what can belief do, when the last hope has crashed into ashes, and what to hope for when the heart has become too rigid to love anymore ? In such minutes it’s possible to love only you, both hoping and trusting.
But you have come too late !
I was young and full of strength once, and it seemed to me that I could do almost anything – and now it seems that I have sunk into all this almost completely. I hoped for trust and trusted love once, but love have disappointed me since then, and thus I have ceased to trust them both. I have already done everything I wanted to once, and still need to do something I cannot make ever.
You could be with young me, but you have decided to come too late. Or, perchance, have you willingly waited for me ?
Nevertheless, we are together at last to become one. Two halves of single whole, two parts of broken jar, which has already lost too much moisture of life. No one is able to separate us, the only true lovers on this guilty earth, initially intended for each other. I accept you the way you are – even though you have come too late.
Even though you have come too late, my death.
I accept you again for you are infinitely many-sided. And each death is always followed by a new birth.
Only therefor I accept you – to wash off all pain of the past, and become live once again, for I have been struggling for it for so long already.
Hi, my death. I welcome thee, oh my rebirth !
20.10.2010
- Come to us to crush your foe! It’s your wish to make them woe! Louses will be smashed by hills, will be standing on their kneels! Where are you?! Return at last! Stop right now and do it fast! - shouted the first Voice.
- Power! Delight! Gain the might! Join the blight! - the second was crying in heart-rendering squeal.
- Wonderful little girl we possess, you she will comfort, easy the stress! Thirsting for her? Where are you going?! Join the horde in the orgies and falling! - the third one shouted after.
- Money is better than all silly girls! Women are whores, beggars and trolls! All our gold you should better accept, strange voice of conscience better not kept. All in the world then you can always buy! Soul is lost - but the body survives! - guffawed the fourth one.
- Afraid of us, for we are here! We shall devour all that is near! We now don’t care, we’re gonna to die! Fear of us now and tremble, and cry! - the fifth howled with thunder peals.
- Hatred and rage … this ain’t cage! My lovely slave, I am your grave! Go down to me - bottom you’ll see. Hatred and rage - excellent blade! Go to the abyss, join the raid! - the sixth tried to caress hearing.
- Here! To us! Look! In the glass! Stand by! Flame, pool! Where are you?! Fool! - all of them started crying at once, merging themselves into some indescribable chaotic discord.
- See, how they overstrain below? They are shouting like that to everyone - including the pedestrian ones. Especially the pedestrian ones, to be exact. Really hungry they are, - my snow-white Workmate by Sky smiled and showed a hand downwards, where somewhere away on the earth under us landscapes of crevices with tongues of flame, periodically erupting from them, were flowing.
- There can be pedestrian ones? - I questioned.
- Even creeping ones happen to be. As a rule such ones are being very fast caught and … hrum-hrum … you know.
- Severely.
- Well …, - the Workmate sadly smiled. - What’s the reason in creeping? Especially in times like that one …
- By the way, how much time do we have in our possession? - I parried.
The Workmate looked somewhere upwards for a pair of seconds, then turned to me and answered.
- The time of everyone is made so that it’s always enough for his tasks, at due efforts. And concerning humankind in general - very little, - he added after a while.
- And what to do with them? - I questioned Him, showing a Chasm, spreading below.
- With these voices? Don’t pay attention. They will cry for some time and become silent. The higher you will fly up - the lesser you will hear them.
- How far shall we travel from here on? - I interrogatively looked on my Workmate.
- Can you see t-h-a-a-a-a-a-t star in the Heavens? - and Angel specified a small shining point, which has occurred on the horizon.
- Hardly noticed, - I replied. - But a direction of movement looks clear enough.
- Well, nice and perfectly, - and Angel smiled. - Then forward up to the Sky - on all wings, as they say!
- Forward! - answered I and smiled to him in return. - Together with you and the God!
05.02.2011