It was quite the scene at our favorite broken-down palace earlier this week.
“Sell! Sell! Sell!” cried Lord Worthless as he stood in the immense front foyer of Faded Glory Manor, his family’s once grand estate. “Everything must go!”
Moving men carried out furniture and racks of gowns, jewels, and fur coats, all to be sold at an auction in London. Lady Worthless hurried out with a wailing baby slung over her shoulder. Ignoring the baby’s cries, she tugged at a fox stole at the top of a pile the mover is carrying out. “Not Foxie!” she cried. As she pulled, dust rises in the air. “He once belonged to Mumsie and her Mumsie before her. You simply can’t take Foxie.”
“Sorry, lady. His Nibs over there told us to take everything,” the moving man said.
The baby crawled to the top of Lady Worthless’s upswept hair and sat there crying. Lady Worthless bawled just as loudly over the loss of her beloved Foxie. The baby finally stopped crying and sucked his thumb. Lady Worthless followed suit.
A mover came out with one of the maids slung over his shoulder. She beat on his shoulders, bellowing. “You can’t take me! I’m not a possession!”
“That’s not what Lord Worthless told us,” the mover replied. Accepting the truth of this, the maid drooped over the mover’s back, arms hanging limply, and allowed herself to be carried out.
Richie and Richina Sterling strolled in, glancing around dispassionately. “I told you this would happen,” Richie said to his sister. “I’m sure we could buy the place for a song but, frankly… who would want it?”
“The tennis court is nice,” Richina pointed out.
“That was built with our money,” Richie reminded her. “So that’s already ours.”
“So it is!” Richina said with a jaunty laugh. As she threw her head back to chortle, her earrings ring and her many bracelets tinkling like a crystal chandelier falling from the ceiling.
Oh, wait, that had been a crystal chandelier falling from the ceiling.
“Sell it! Sell it!” Lord Worthless shouted, pointing at the fallen chandelier. “Everything must go,” he said to the moving men, who dashed here and there, picking up everything that they could find to sell at the auction.
Doodles Worthless trailed in, dressed in her mother’s too-big gown and heeled shoes that are three sizes too large for her. On her head was an elaborate feathered hat that is so big it falls below her eyes. “Richina, look, I’m a big girl like you now. Let’s be friends.”
“I don’t think so, Doodles,” Richina answered. “Not now. Go play with the children.”
“But I’m all grown-up. I’m a big girl now,” Doodles objected.
“Wearing adult clothing doesn’t mean you’re a woman,” Richina insisted.
Doodles pouted and stamped her foot petulantly. “But I am a big Worthless.”
“Perhaps the biggest of them all,” Richina quipped drolly.
Snobby Worthless rushed in and threw herself on Richie Sterling, draping herself around his shoulders. “Daw-ling,” she cooed. “Let me count your money—oops—I meant let me call you honey.”
Richie threw her off. “Let me go, you greedy tart. I know you’re only toying with my affections to get your hands on my fortune. You just want the diamonds.”
“Diamonds!” Lady Worthless chirped as her thumb pops out of her mouth. “Did someone say diamonds?”
“Dia-mods?” said the baby from atop her head, speaking his first word ever.
“Mother, this wretched boy won’t give me his diamond fortune,” Snobby complained to Lady Worthless. “I batted my eyelashes and everything, just like you told me to. He’s mean! Mean! Mean!” Snobby went to her mother for comfort but Lady Worthless shoved her out of the way as she rushed up to Richie Sterling with the baby still sitting on her head.
“Mr. Sterling, I hear you’re not interested in my daughter, Snobby,” said Lady Worthless.
“That’s right. Not interested at all.”
“I quite understand,” Lady Worthless agreed. “You should get to know my younger daughter, Doodles, better.” Searching around, Lady Worthless tried to find Doodles, but couldn’t. “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Doodles must have blended into the tapestry.”
The baby on Lady Worthless’s head started to cry once more. “It upsets him when Doodles disappears like that,” Lady Worthless explained. The baby slid from her back, pulling off her wig and revealing snow-white hair beneath. “Come back with my hair, you naughty child,” Lady Worthless shouted as the baby crawled away, pulling the wig behind him. “Oh, I am much too old for this,” she muttered as she trails after him.
Richina Sterling looked at the escaping baby. “Why don’t you get a young nanny like everyone else has?” she asks.
“I had one, but Lord Worthless sold her off to help raise money to save the estate,” Lady Worthless explained wistfully. “We had better not stand here for too long or we’ll be sold too.” But her remark came too late, for as she stands there talking, one of the movers scooped her up to carry her off.
“Lord Worthless, help!” Lady Worthless implored her husband for help. “Make this man release me! Tell him I am not for sale!”
“Of course you are for sale, darling,” Lord Worthless insisted. “You’ve been trying to sell our daughters for months now. Why shouldn’t I sell you, though I don’t know who would want an aged mother like you.”
“You beast!” Lady Worthless shouted as the mover carries her away.
“Sell! Sell!” Lord Worthless shouted. “Everything must go! I need the money.”
Soon the movers had carried out everything. Richie and Richina were left in an empty foyer. “What’s the sense in selling everything to save the manor if the manor is unlivable because it’s empty?” Richina questioned.
“Who knows?” Richie answered. “And, frankly, who cares? Can I interest you in a game of tennis?”
“That sounds smashing,” she agreed and followed him out, her many bracelets making a loud racket as she goes.
For a moment there was silence in the empty room, but then a small voice sounded. “Hello? Where is everybody?” Doodles emerged from the wall, still dressed in her oversized clothing. She blew away a feather from her hat, which had flopped over her woebegone face as she searched the place, wondering where everyone had gone. Finally she heard a pathetic moan from under the table and spied Snobby’s shoes peaking out.
Grabbing hold of her sister’s feet, Doodles pulled Snobby out from beneath the table. Snobby came to consciousness once more. “I must have fainted,” she declared. “Imagine that Richie Sterling not wanting to marry me.”
“Or me,” Doodles added.
Snobby stood, took Doodles by the hand, and led her to the massive front door, pulling it wide open. “Come along, Doodles,” she said bravely. “We’ll find some fabulously wealthy men to marry us and buy us fancy things. After all… we’re Worthless.”