What was the scene like at a recent country dance attended by those ever-entertaining Worthless sisters? Our spies tell us it was quite the crush!
Doodles and Snobby Worthless stood in the ballroom of their dilapidated and now empty estate, Faded Glory Manor. They concocted ball gowns by ripping down the peeling wallpaper and folding them into dresses. “It doesn’t matter that Father has sold all our possessions, Doodles,” Snobby told her sister. “By throwing this ball we will find husbands with fabulous fortunes. They will heap jewels on us and restore Faded Glory Manor to its former grandeur.”
“Who has been invited?” asked Doodles.
“All our friends and neighbors! Here are some of our friends now,” Snobby cried. “Welcome, neighbors. Do come in.”
A troop of local shepherds in muddy boots marched in. “Thanks for the invite. Where’s the grub?” says one.
“Grub?” Snobby inquired, confused.
“The food we were promised,” another farmer reminded her.
“Oh, that,” Snobby simpered. “It’s on its way.”
“It better come soon,” another farmer grumbled.
Snobby caught sight of a more suitable guest coming into the ballroom and hurried toward him. “It’s Duke Oldenfat,” she trilled with delight.
The duke, who is a hundred if he’s a day, grinned and winked at Snobby. “So nice of you to invite me, my dear. You know how I’ve admired you from afar.”
“Not that far,” Snobby reminded him. “You sit under my window and recite bawdy limericks.”
“Ah, yes. You once inspired me,” the duke agreed. He squared his shoulders as he prepared to recite. “There was a young woman from Dorset who would let me remove her—”
“That will be enough of that,” Snobby interrupted.
“Hey, where’s the food?” yelled one of the farmers.
“Coming,” Snobby told him. “Doodles, dear, would you go see if you can scrap up something to eat around here,” Snobby requested. When Doodles didn’t answer, Snobby realized that with her sister’s propensity for blending into the background she would never find her now that she’d been literally dressed in wallpaper.
“Food!” another farmer shouted. “You promised us food!”
“Put a sock in it!” Snobby bellowed back. Turning back to Duke Oldenfat she smiled graciously because she knew that he could be an excellent source of funding and at his age wouldn’t last long. Snobby dreams of the day when she would be a Merry Widow.
“Did you like the poem?” Duke Oldenfat asked, drool spilling from his lips as he looked at Snobby with unabashed lechery.
“Utterly divine,” Snobby crooned. Wanting to hurry things along, she took the sides of her dress and yanked them suggestively down so her skinny shoulders were exposed. “Here, duke, sniff me for a while,” she said leaning close to the old duke. “Tell me if you like my perfume.”
The duke held his nose.
“You don’t love it?” Snobby asked, aghast.
“Frankly my dear, everything about you has started to stink. How long do you think you can toy with my affections? You’re young enough to be my daughter and I no longer think it would be fun to have a spoiled brat running around my lavish estate.” He bowed deeply, and the effort he expended brought on a coughing fit.
“But Duke, I could tend to you in your dotage,” Snobby insisted, solicitously helping him stand straight.
“Sorry, young lady. I retract my offer. I bid you adieu.” The duke stormed off, leaving Snobby there to watch him leave. “Oh, who cares about you, you old coot?!” she shouted after him. “I still have Richard, who adores me, and he’s richer than you.”
“Did you say I adore you?”
Snobby whirls around to see Richard behind her. “Of course you do,” Snobby replied with confidence. “Time is running short. When shall we marry?”
“To be honest, Snobby, time is not running short,” Richard replied.
“It’s not?” Snobby questioned.
“No. It’s run out.”
“Run out?!” Snobby cried, shocked. “What do you mean? You adore me!”
“Alas, once I did. But now I have my inheritance and I see that… well, that…” Richard hesitated, momentarily at a loss for words. “There’s no other way to say it, Snobby: I’m just too good for you.”
Lord Worthless enters, dragging a chandelier behind him. “Who is too good?” he inquired.
“Daddy, Richard thinks he’s too good for me now that he is fabulously wealthy,” Snobby explained, running to her father’s side.
“Well, of course he is,” Lord Worthless confirmed. “Everyone is too good for us these days.”
“Who will I marry, then, Daddy?” Snobby whined.
Doodles Worthless came in at that moment. “Why don’t you marry your secret admirer?” she asked guilelessly.
“Who?’ asked Lord Worthless.
“Shhh!!!!” Snobby hissed at Doodles.
“Oh, is it a real secret?” Doodles asked, covering her mouth with her hand.
“Who is this secret admirer?” Lord Worthless asked Snobby. “Does he have money?”
“There is no such person,” Snobby told him. “You know how Doodles is.”
“Do I?” Lord Worthless pondered. “She’s always disappearing like that. Most confusing.” He turned to Richard and held up the chandelier. “Care to buy a lighting fixture?” he asked. “It literally fell right into my hands.”
“Do you mean it fell from the ceiling?” Richard inquired.
“Yes!” Lord Worthless confirmed. “It keeps happening to me. I suddenly discover that I’m holding a doorknob or a kitchen cabinet handle. Chandeliers fall right into my arms. Wall moldings fall into my pockets. I seem to have become a magnet for all sorts of pieces of the estate crashing down around me. It’s most perplexing!”
“Perhaps your estate could use some fixing up,” Richard suggested delicately.
“Faded Glory Manor?! Never! Faded Glory Manor has stood just as it is for over three hundred years. If I did anything to change it, it would no longer be, well… Worthless.”
“Exactly,” Richard agreed.
“Precisely,” Lord Worthless said. Nodding, he surveyed his crumbling estate, confident that it would always be Worthless… as it should be.