I’m not sure when I officially stopped mattering, but I think it began at age 40. I know this because I’m a great reader of fashion magazines, and InStyle recently told me that I no longer mattered, if indeed I existed at all.
They didn’t even let me down easy. And I subscribe.
The article I was reading was called “Great At Any Age.” It was about beauty tips for women as they got older, and the article was broken down by age groups. The first page was addressed to women in their 20s and told them that “nothing topical gets rid of cellulite completely.”
Funny, I can remember my 20s, and it was the one decade of my life that I didn’t have cellulite. I had an orange Mazda, my first VISA card, and several thousand law school applications, but no cellulite.
Never mind. I turned the page
The second page was addressed to women in their 30s and informed them that their “skin was thinning.” That didn’t ring true to me, either. Every woman knows that as she gets older, her skin doesn’t get thinner. On the contrary, it gets thicker. Those of us who used to be thin-skinned simply stop caring about what people think of what we say, write, do, or wear. I always thought this was called perspective, but boy, was I wrong. InStyle told me so.
I turned to the next page, which was addressed to women in their “40s+” and told them that “gentle exfoliation” would stimulate their circulation “for a smoothing effect.” I wasn’t worried that I wasn’t smooth, but nevertheless, I resolved instantly to start exfoliating and to be gentle about it.
I turned the page. But there were no more age groups in the “Great At Any Age” article.
The “Great At Any Age” article was over.
The top age limit to be Great At was 40s+.
Now, wait.
I had thought I was Great At Any Age, because that’s what they told me at the top of the page. But they really didn’t mean it. I was Great Only At The Ages of 20 Through 40. They were the only gals who got their own age categories, instead of being lumped in all together. What about the ages of 42, 47, 52, 65, 75, 79, 83, and older? At those ages, I wasn’t Great. I might actually Suck.
The article should have been called: “Sucking At Any Age Over 40.”
I flipped the page and tried not to take it too much to heart. After all, as I say, my skin is thicker now, and nothing bothers me anymore.
The next article was entitled, “How to Wear… a Sporty Jacket.” The ellipsis are theirs. Don’t ask me why. I’m 40s+ and can barely take care of myself in the bathroom. Ask a twenty-year-old with cellulite.
Anyway, I was excited when I saw the article about how to wear… a sporty jacket. I’d never thought about how to wear… a sporty jacket. I had always assumed that you… put your arms in the sleeves and slipped it… over your shoulders. But what do I know?
I was eager to learn about sporty jackets.
Only one problem. The sporty jacket article was addressed to age groups, too. Since when does a sporty jacket come with age limits? This is America. I always thought I could wear… a sporty jacket at any age.
Boy, was I wrong. Again!
Unbeknownst to me, sporty jackets had a shelf life. In fact, I had a shelf life. I’d thought if I was alive, I mattered, but InStyle set me straight.
Oddly, the age groups for sporty jackets were different than the age groups for cellulite creams. The first page of the article pictured a sporty jacket with a hoodie, for women in their “20s/30s.” The second page showed the same jacket with a white shirt for women, in their “30s/40s.” The third page showed the jacket with a set of plastic beads, for women in their “40s/50s.”
Whew. What a relief. A number with a 5 in front. I did exist, at least as far as sporty jackets were concerned.
But I was confused. I existed for sporty jacket purposes but not for cellulite cream purposes. Doesn’t this seem backwards? I don’t want to reveal too much, but my 40s+ self has more need for a cellulite cream than a sporty jacket. Unless the jacket is sporty enough to cover my tushie.
Plus, the article raised new questions. Am I too old for my handbag? Too young for my ballet flats? Are my clothes snickering at me behind my back?
Then I thought of something. InStyle didn’t ask me my age when they cashed my check for the subscription.
Ya think they’ll ask when I cancel?